Should I be easy to fit into his schedule, even if I feel insulted? Or should I expect more effort on his part to prioritize me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I only see each other on weekends because we live an hour apart and work through the week. We haven't been dating long, only three months, but I've noticed that he is quick to run me out of his house for other events he has going on. I get that he doesn't want to involve me with his family or introduce me yet, so I respect that when this is the case, but it also means I drive over to his place an hour, spend the night, and get kicked out in the am with hardly any time spent at all.

We have plans for me to go over this weekend, but once again, he has a family event, and I'm feeling insulted and cheated of my time and effort at the thought of going over for a short spurt of time only to be quickly asked to leave. I feel like he's penciling me into the very corners of his schedule, like I'm not a priority in the least. Not that I expect to be anywhere near his family in that sense, mind.

I'm considering asking for a rain check, but I began to wonder:

Is it better to be easily available and at his beck and call as I have been, putting in the 2 hour round-trip drive and then putting up with being asked to leave super early the morning after even after I gave the man a full-body massage the night before (ik, stupid detail, but effort is effort)? Or should I ask for this rain check and put some boundaries down because I feel that if we're going to see each other, he should put more effort into making quality time for me?

And should he be prioritizing me more at this point, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

It's better to be easily available and at his beck and call.

You should ask for that rain check.

[Mr_twoface]

As a man I don’t understand why sometimes women undervalues themselves in a relationship. You are equal in a relationship and hence should expect the same in return. Relationships are about balance, respect, and mutual effort. If you feel that you are making all the adjustments to fit into his schedule without much reciprocity, it might be time to communicate your feelings. It's important to express that you would appreciate more effort on his part to prioritize your time together. Expecting more effort on his part doesn’t mean demanding all of his time, but rather seeking a reasonable and respectful balance where both partners feel valued and important. Healthy relationships involve both people making each other a priority. If you talk about how you feel and what you need, it might help him understand your perspective and adjust his actions accordingly. If after communicating, things don’t change, you might then consider if he is the right man for you, long-term.

Take a rain check and openly communicate. Even ask him to come over to yours (if possible) or spend a day out with you and if he is having a family event, then he should cancel with you and prioritize you when he knows he is alone. I feel it’s totally unrespectful against you!

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your input!

I asked for a rain check. I've been wanting to all week, but was really just unsure if I'm being irrational about this, given how new our relationship is. But it's true that we're in different spots on each others' priority lists.

For now, I didn't communicate too much. Just said we should take a rain check so that he can focus on his family without having to worry about fitting me into the cracks of his schedule.

I honestly don't know how to communicate that I want him to value my time and effort more without sounding like I want him to make me a priority on some level.

[Mr_twoface]

I'm sure you've got tons of life experience which ultimately brought you to this new relationship and hence never doubt your inner feelings. If your gut tells you something based on your emotions, you aren't irrational.

You did the right call to rain check and not communicating this time. Talks of such importance need to be in chilled and relaxed atmosphere where both aren't occupied by others. It may help to write down what you want to say and then make bullet points of the things and in that order you wish to explain it. Conversations of such is most difficult because you don't want to devalue yourself asking him to prioritise you more, since in all honesty, he is the one who should grasp it. However, write down ways you believe you can express yourself without it sounding you asking him to prioritise. Make the conversation more about you and how you've felt recently since you guys been together and allow him to ask as well.

Let me know if you need to reflect more or if there is other things I can assist with! Best of luck!

[strateguy632]

b, depends how frequent each week.