Is it odd to ask your partner's prior boyfriends' ethnicities?

[Anonymous]

[ProbablyClueless]

That would be extremely odd, yes. The only time asking something like that would be okay is if your partner makes race/ethnicity a focal point of your relationship with them.

For instance, I am a white guy who has mostly only dated Asian Indian women. I've also dated other races, but it's mostly been Asian Indians. That's not really by choice, more of a circumstance. Asian Indian women have just happened to be the women who are receptive to dating me.

Someone looking at my dating history might think I have a fetish, but the truth is that the fact those women were all the same race is a coincidence. The way you know that I'm not a fetishist is because them being Indian doesn't come up as point in the interactions. I don't care about the fact they're Indian; I'm connecting with who they are as people. If I meet a woman who isn't Indian and we get along well romantically, that would be just as good to me.

However, if I was constantly bringing up the fact the women were/are Indian, that's a different deal because I'm making the fact they're Indian a point of focus.

[mattthefatbat]

Communication is always a good thing in a relationship. Asking about your partner's ex's ethnicities can be just a way of learning more about what your partner may like, sure the partner may have negative thoughts or conclusions about your motives for asking the question, but to me I wouldn't find it bad if my partner asked me about my ex's ethnicities because although it wouldn't change anything about our relationship it would be something she can be at least allowed to know

[DishLady]

Not really... if you're already asking about the person's overall sexual history. It helps you learn a little more about the person's type and how you fit into the tapestry of the person's relationship and personal journey.

[Asker]

Thanks for answering the question. Your question is exactly, what i was thinking.

[Asker]

Opinion, not a question, my goofy ass.

[DishLady]

😂 It's ok. I got it.

[LunarEclipse433]

I totally agree. It doesn't have to be racist. Some people want to know where others messed up so they don't make the same mistake. If your partner is super sensitive on certain matters and you find out, it helps you understand why to not say or do certain things that may be an uncomfortable trigger to your partner. Basically should be open communication.

[kylee2437]

I think asking about your partners past in general is quite controlling.

[Asker]

How explain?

[kylee2437]

Because they have a motive behind asking something that is super irrelevant in theory.

[Asker]

I believe the past matters, no matter how bad it may be.

[kylee2437]

We can agree to disagree. Fixating on the past does not allow a couple to start fresh and focus on their present moments. You create unnecessary insecurities by focusing on what was

[Asker]

I agree to disagree. Many bad things can arise from keeping the past closed off.

[kylee2437]

I don’t understand trying to figure out ethnicities of their exes arises anything good. You are using that idea to pass judgments on someone you are trying to love which in reality is quite opposite of love.

[Asker]

We all have unique expressions of affection, ranging from passionate and assertive to gentle and tender.

[kylee2437]

Being controlling and passing judgments on someone is not affection, it’s possessive, and it makes for a relationship that reflects that. You literally told another person this info really doesn’t even matter so like. Fix yourself

[Asker]

Of course, I can make an informed decision about what I want. I am the one investing my time into the relationship, and if I cannot accept the situation, then I am not the right person for it.

[kylee2437]

@asker and that person is dodging a bullet by not ending up with someone that fixates on the past. This is coming from a woman that been there, done that. Saving herself a lot of pointless arguments

[Asker]

No one is being possessive. I feel like you're the type to call people narcissists and not know what it means.

[kylee2437]

Passing judgments based on who someone has dated before is indeed possessive. You are inserting yourself in a part of someone else’s life you weren’t there for.

[Asker]

Yeah no.

[kylee2437]

Yes and yes. You are the one that asked the question. Two people have said this logic it’s stupid and here you are trying to battle because you can’t accept the fact that your behaviors only affect your dating life negatively. That’s your own choice

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm not going to date someone who's a prior stripper. Past relationships, do matter it tells me what type of person they are, and if they can sustain a relationship.

[kylee2437]

@asker if that’s how you feel, then hopefully you are perfect because while you expect someone else to be , I highly doubt you are. My ex that passed judgments on me was actually quite worse than me.

[Asker]

It's because we're adults and we're understanding.

[kylee2437]

Making judgments of someone past doesn’t convince anyone that you’re understanding

[Asker]

I wasn't like that in any of my past relationships, so that might just be a you problem.

[kylee2437]

And also a relationship being sustained has to do with two people working towards that, not just one person deciding whether someone can or can’t.

[kylee2437]

I have no me problems lol I’m in a happy relationship where the past only comes up if one of us is feeling open enough to discuss it. Because that’s how healthy relationships work.

[Asker]

You know what she replied normally as any partner should. I think that just you. lol

[Asker]

She asked the same question back and I answered openly. I think it's about transparency instead of hiding it.

[kylee2437]

@asker just because she’s open, doesn’t mean your intent wasn’t malicious. And once you let your insecurities keep dictating your dating life, she will eventually figure it out

[Asker]

No one is acting with malicious intent. We all have insecurities, but they do not control my contentment. You are not acquainted with me, and I am not acquainted with you. You are making judgments based on my preferences.

[kylee2437]

@asker but you are acting with malicious intent whether you want to admit it or not lol you are playing victim and it’s weird considering you asked for peoples opinions on this

[Asker]

You do not know how to use the word "malicious." No one is playing the victim. Your opinion is heard, but I do not have to accept it; that is controlling of you.

[kylee2437]

@asker I never said you had to accept my opinion lol my opinion holds truth to it as you stated you would judge someone that has a past that doesn’t abide to your liking. You already indirectly stated my opinion is true, so whatever you feel at this point is on you.

[Asker]

To clarify, I did not express agreement with your opinion. It seems you have made an assumption in this regard. My perspective is equally valid, and I had no intention of controlling my partner's past by asking simple questions, as I was accused of doing.

[Asker]

In conclusion, our viewpoints are distinct and personal to each of us. Therefore, we can amicably acknowledge our differing opinions.

[kylee2437]

@asker I never said you agreed with my opinion. I would never expect a guy that fixates on the past to agree with what I have to say. You clearly made this question to defend your bad behaviors (that you know are bad behaviors clearly) against people you don’t know. And you are looking for people to reason your bad behaviors. I’m the wrong person for that one , sweet heart

[Asker]

At this point, I feel like you're pressuring me to agree with you, sweetie. You did so because you said your opinion has some truth to it. I asked a question to see if it's unusual, which I feel like the new generation is more open to answering.

[kylee2437]

Honey boo, you don’t have to agree with me lol I’ve dealt with a man like you before and all I am saying is any girl you decide to reject out of insecurity dodged a bullet. You are the problem. Sorry to say. Good riddance and have a good night

[HollyK21]

Asker, you 100% posted this question just to argue. Obfuscating, disingenuous in your bullshit when you should be listening because she’s attempting to educate you. It’s so fucking childish to be THIS transparent in your nonsense. GROW UP you’re out of line.

[HollyK21]

@kylee2437 Kaylee you’re so amazing for tolerating all this gaslighting 33 comments. This is absolutely a man who cannot listen or receive advice. Sad really.

[HollyK21]

*kylee

[JTinSC1981]

You don't understand consent. Anyone, man or woman, has the right to ask their partner anything about their sexual or romantic history. You don't have the right to hide things from a potential intimate partner.

[HollyK21]

What does consenting have to do with asking about someone’s romantic past? What do her exes races have to do with anything other than your own insecurities or racial bias?

[kylee2437]

@JTinAC1981 consent has nothing to do with intentions. And someone has full rights to conceal events that may have been traumatizing

[kylee2437]

@HollyK21 controlling men never like to be called out. They like to fight tooth and nail on their illogical thinking

[meepmeeperton]

Not really, it gives you an idea about what kind of people they were willing to date in the past and how different or similar they are compared to each other and to you. Somewhat useful information.

[RavVid]

No. I think it is legitimately on the table what went right and wrong in previous relationships.

On the positive you might learn what to avoid doing. On the negative you might find the last 10 were controlling and think there could be a good reason for that.

She'll be the poor wounded bird in all of them of course.

[RebelinSteel]

Yes it’s very weird and potentially racist, not wanting to date a girl because she dated a certain skin colour / ethnicity, is weird.

That and her history is hers and I don’t ask about it,

[HighValue]

It is fine. If someone doesn't want to reveal their romantic/sexual past to a potential partner, that is because it is something bad and you should avoid them and find a better partner.

[HighValue]

Also, if they accuse you of being "controlling" it is usually because they have a bad immoral past so they often use "controlling" as a way to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions/life decisions.

[Flatmanlewis]

Maybe not weird, but perhaps inappropriate. Past is a past for a reason. We don’t owe reasoning for every decision we’ve ever explored in our lives just because we’re with somebody now.

[DaBiggestBird]

Yeah sounds kind of random. Like the loud kid from school who’s always yapping about some random ass bullsh*t and making peoples ears bleed. I’ve never seen anyone like this but I know that stereotype exists somewhere

[mandyfire98]

Why does ethnicity matter in who that person has dated?

[JTinSC1981]

It obviously matters to the hypothetical person who is asking.

[kylee2437]

@JTinSX1981 what a way to dance around an actual logical reason as to why does it actually matter. You know what you are doing

[JTinSC1981]

@kylee2437 You do not get to decide what other people are sexually attracted to. If a black guy thinks it's gross you fucked white guys in the past, that's his absolute right. You do not get to dictate his sexual preference. Trying to do so is akin to nonconsent and rape.

[kylee2437]

@JTinSC1981 and good riddance to men that have that mindset. You aren’t a catch, and are limiting your limited amount of options because of your insecurities. Weak minded.

[kylee2437]

And also you are truly mentally ill if you think an opinion is rape. Go get some therapy

[JTinSC1981]

@kylee2437 I think you're trying to force men to be with women they don't consent to being with. THAT. IS. RAPE.

[kylee2437]

@JTinSC1981 that’s an expected translation from someone that is as stupid enough to believe a persons past matters. lol women are better off without men like this, and my point is , if a woman comes into contact with a man that is like this, she best run for her life. We don’t want men like you.

[mandyfire98]

His account was banned. So this site is better off without him too. I love that he got called out for being a bigot and then tries to weasel his way out by calling someone else a rapist. So desperate.

[JTinSC1981]

Nope. Ask anything you want about prior things.

[Anonymous]

A few of my ex girlfriend's had boyfriends dump them after they found out that a black guy like me had dated them. One guy even checked my junk out in the bathroom.

[SotiCoto]

I believe it is odd. More importantly, it is a needless and unpleasant thing to do. It being odd is relatively unimportant compared to that.

[DrPepper12]

Directly? Yes. In natural course of relationship growing and just conversation? Sure its a topic then if convo permits and its not forced.

[paledreams]

I wouldn't find it odd asking my girlfriend who doesn't exist lol 😆

[OddBeMe]

Why does it matter? Is she tainted if she says a particular one?

[kylee2437]

Yes. That’s particularly why he feels the need to ask this to her. Shot right in his insecure heart if she mentions the race he didn’t want to hear. And acting like it’s her loss if he decides not to date her

[OddBeMe]

@kylee2437 sounds like an asshole.

[slatyb]

Yes, it is. Why would that matter in any way?

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s odd like why does it even matter?

[Asker]

It doesn't, but I need to know.

[Opinion Owner]

Why?

[Asker]

Its preference, some guys do get icks just like girls.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to know. I’ll tell her if she tells me

[Astarlessnightsky]

Yes. really weird.

[Dongie]

Quiet.