I found out my boyfriend was texting old friends with benefits?

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for five years. We were even in the same college course, but he failed an exam last summer and didn't go back, while I continued. He became very depressed after failing, and due to family problems, he decided to work full-time.

I pulled back in January, not because I was over him, but because I needed to study. He took on a full-time job where he was very unhappy, and we were clashing over finding time to meet.

During this time, he texted an old friend with benefits on Instagram and even asked for her number to text her. We almost broke up in February due to not getting along and other issues. He continued communicating with this girl until the end of March. Nothing happened between them because she refused to send pictures or meet up, and he claims he wouldn't have met her as he pushed her back.

He lied and pretended we were broken up at the start, then told her we were back together and stopped texting her. When I confronted him, he broke down crying and begged for another chance. He admitted he was immature and said being away at military training has made him realize things. He blames his actions on being very unhappy with his life and his abandonment issues, stemming from his parents abandoning him numerous times throughout his childhood. He has had a very difficult background, including being homeless at one point in college. His dad found out about what he did to me and didn’t even correct him, just said, "I don't give a shit what you do." Both his parents are single, and his dad is a very abusive man. He has joined the military/army to get away from him. He has stated that he doesn't want to end up like his father. He said he understands if I want to leave and promised to delete Instagram and do anything to get another chance. I've seen his data and this is the only girl he has texted. I explained to him that he betrayed my trust. Would you give another chance? I don't know if I will be able to overcome this.

[Changiis07]

That's tough, because as you mentioned he betrayed your trust. He doesn't want to be like his father yet does things behind your back. Sounds like he has a lot of work to overcome and should not get into a relationship if he isn't willing to commit fully. Messaging another girl is wrong and the trust is gone. Now that is up to you if you want to give him another chance you can do so, but you will be wondering what is on his phone and this and that. So you can see how it goes but I would be careful to not waste your time on someone who is untrustworthy

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow, that's a really tough situation. On one hand, I can understand why you'd be hesitant to fully trust him again after what he did. Texting an old hookup like that behind your back was definitely not cool. However, it does sound like he's really reflecting and trying to make positive changes in his life by joining the military. His childhood background also provides some context for why he might have struggled with commitment and acting out when things got hard.

At the end of the day, only you know if you'll be able to move past this betrayal or not. If you do choose to give him another chance, I'd say make sure he does the work to rebuild that trust - be fully transparent, go to counseling together potentially, agree on clear boundaries. But you also have to really look inside and decide if you can truly let it go without holding resentment. A relationship without trust is tough.

On the flip side, ending it now would also be understandable to protect your heart going forward. Either way, don't feel rushed - take time to think it over before deciding. Your feelings are valid no matter what you choose. Just make the choice that feels right for you long-term. Wishing you the best working through this.