I found out my boyfriend was texting his ex. Advice please?

[WonderingStar]

So a while back I figured out that my boyfriend was secretly messaging his ex. Im not proud of how I found out, I looked threw his phone. I know its wrong because its an invasion of his privacy and I should be able to trust him or confront. I just knew things were off and he was being more secretive, I only looked threw it to put my mind at rest because I thought I was being paranoid. What I saw was that he was texting his ex till about three in the morning (the last message when I found it). I dont know how long it was going on for and what was truly said because all but three messages were deleted. Texting his ex wasn't the main problem, but I admit I wouldn't be too happy however I can't tell him who can talk to, but he hid it and deleted the messages which tells me there was something that was bad enough for me not to see. I told him I knew he was talking to his ex and admitted to him what I did and asked him what was going on. He admitted that he was talking to her and flirting with her for an ego boost. She was the girl that cheated on him in school. We are both in our 20s now. I asked him what he said but he told me he can't remember and when I first asked him what was going on before he knew I looked through his phone, he said I could check his messages. That's when I told him I knew he deleted them. It was obvious enough.
He did apologise for it and didn't get mad at me going through his phone. He accepted he was in the wrong. The next time she contacted him he blocked her and said that he didn't want to talk to her anymore for the sake of our relationship. While I have forgiven him, Im still a bit bothered by it. Did I over react? Should I have reacted differently. I thought I made him happy why did he need her to give him an ego boost? I really want to know what was said and I know Ill never get an answer. I thought we were happy and we get along so well. This is my first relationship so some advice and others opinions would be really helpful.
Thanks :)

Updates

+1 y

Hey thanks for all the opinions and advice I don't really have anyone non biased I can talk to you and unfortunately I know my friend is one of telling stories.
For a bit of background we are together for about two years and are currently living with one another. He is a really great guy and can have a heart of gold. We get along so well and he says he's never been more himself and comfortable in a relationship. But this threw me for a loop.

[bbch25]

I totally get it. I had the exacct same thing happen. I KNEW he was talking to his ex though, he said they were friends but hardly ever spoke. And one day I just felt it was wrong, he had told me I can read them any time I want, so I looked through them. And I admitted it. And the way he was talking to her, and some of it seemed inappropraite to me, and at one point he had sent her money about 4 months after we were together etc.
Just... it wasn't right.

But I get how it's hard NOW to move passed it. He's told her he's focusing on us, we have an agreement when she messages we read it together and talk about what to do because she isn't in our lives anymore (and he said I helped him realise how selfish and manipulative she was being). But yeah sometimes it still bothers me in the first place that he could say some of the things he did, break his promise to me about being honest, thinking of me, not sending money etc etc etc.

For me the BIGGER problem here is.. he felt he needed to flirt with another girl for the ego boost. That doesn't go away. It just changes person. My ex was like that, I went through his phone (had actual reason to, mind you). And he had like 10 different conversations going some he's calling beautiful, others it was outright sexting.. And stupid me listened to his excuse of "I just needed to feel good. It's an ego boost. I'd never act on it". But that's just it. Eventually words stop being enough. He'll chase the girls at the bar, maybe won't act yet, but he needs to know he can get girls... That is how cheating (for some) starts.

He needs help. He was flirty with his ex, lying, being secretive, deleting messages... That can't just change.

[loveArt1983]

Choices are, 1) did you get see his ex, if you did you could been friends and find out what were his faults hey, What was reason she was trying to contact him be his friend, or one last fling,
One last fling I suggest moving on, being friends bit, you may want ask if they friends with benefits, or sex friends? if not you could ask if he has other ex-girlfriends.
2)
womansday_com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a6716/infidelity-in-marriage/

third choice would be now you have something hold him over, was fact his ex was younger than him or older? there studies out there you should read...-> psychologytoday_com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201310/the-10-reasons-why-men-cheat

Sad excuses -> lifescript_com/well-being/articles/0/6_reasons_why_men_cheat. aspx
opinion: however if he was quick apologize, I going say if behavior was secretive from start I going go with you two need couples counseling don't believe it just for married people, its for boyfriends and girlfriends too. If don't want pay for much go see a priest, ask him what proper way for man run around with ex behind your back he might see your side being betrayed.

[Darkfairie17]

I would be pretty upset too if my boyfriend was texting other girls.

I actually went through this. I had a boyfriend who was doing stuff like this. TBH once you can't trust a person, I really see no point in staying together unless you both are willing to work on things.

It's not fair to him that you invaded his privacy. And it's not fair to you that he was talking to his ex. He obviously knew it was wrong or else he would have kept the texts on the phone. It does seem suspicious.

The only thing I can say is you two need to have a heart to heart and decide what you want to do.

An ego boost is just an excuse. There are many ways that don't involve other people that boost a persons confidence.

[WonderingStar]

I know what I did was wrong I apologised for it. He didn't get mad and was sorry that I felt I had to do it. He said his phone will always be there for me to pick up anytime and he gave me the password to his laptop. Neither of which I will look at without his permission. He also said that if I wanted to test his trust some ways to help rebuild to do so. I'm not going to this either. I don't want a relationship filled with mind games. It will take time for me to fully trust. I'm not a very trusting to begin with but I will try.

[Darkfairie17]

Thanks!

[reptocarl]

Dump him. He isn't over her. You're just a rebound and it won't last anyway

[WonderingStar]

I dont think I could be a rebound when it was several relationships ago and weve been together 2 and a half years

[reptocarl]

Then why is he talking to her?

[FashionQueen86]

This is definitely something I would not be able to rest from or put aside. Your instincts were telling you something, and although it was a bit classless to roam through his phone, you did indeed find something really wrong.

Now, it is true that he should be able to speak to whoever he wants, as long as he doesn't have the tendency to hurt you in the process by cheating. However, he was hiding it, and if there really wasn't anything wrong going on, why did he feel the need to delete the messages?

And you're right, you thought you guys were going on great together. So, why did he need an ego boost, especially from a girl who did him wrong by cheating on him, which that should have been in his past, right? You also have to think about it in other aspects as to why would he even give her the time of the day if she hurt him like that? You should have been his present and the only girl he'd focus on. Another way to look at it is do you really want a guy who's going to play ego games by trying to get back at somebody? A bit immature.

I don't know, something doesn't seem right.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he isn't over her. I went through the same thing with a guy I dated and things just went downhill from there, and I never could trust him the same again. He knows what him and his ex texted about even if it's only the subject matter that he remembers... he's not telling you for a reason. It's emotional cheating. In the end you'll have to male up your own mind and decide what to do, but ask yourself this, if you hadn't confronted him, would he still be texting her? And how would you feel if you had read the messages and they were all flirty or sexting or about times they spent together? Either way he spent enough time thinking about her and paying attention to her and knew he was doing something wrong enough that he felt he had to hide it from you. Unless he has a reason to communicate with his ex ie. Shared custody or something, he shouldn't really be wanting to stay in touch, in a way he has to hide it from you especially, otherwise why break up with her in the first place?

[ekc8295]

Since this is your first relationship, it seems like you don't have the experience to realize that it's unhealthy. You don't trust your boyfriend and with good reason. He was secretly contacting his ex and deleting messages so that if you did happen to find it there would be less damning evidence. That is a massive red flag. It also seems like you guys don't have healthy communication. If he's feeling insecure he should have discussed it with you instead of violating your trust and flirting (most likely more) with his ex. You should have communicated to him that you were concerned about him hiding things from you instead of snooping. Overall, you guys have a really bad foundation for your relationship. My advice is to leave and find someone who is trust worthy. Also work on your communication more. Really though, you're being treated horribly and this is mostly his fault.

[freyanna1017]

If he's texting this girl at 3 am and deleting messages something was up. Because if he really respected you as soon as the conversation of "hey, hello, how are you, goodbye" became something more he could've told you about his ex texting him but the fact that he deleted messages means it was more than that regular conversation. But I like that he was being honest about the flirtation but to what extent was this flirting? HMM. I don't think you should've reacted differently, I know the snooping was kind of wrong so you should've asked him maybe what was wrong before, and if he says he needed an ego boost, maybe that meant he didn't have much while with you? Don't quote me on that, because I don't know. Also if you don't trust him you should really talk about the situation because relationships are all about trust.

[Wonderer89]

Been in the exact same position, and was given the exact same excuse. It took a really long time to make him understand how I felt about him needing an ego boost from other women in the first place let alone one he had slept with for years but he eventually got where I was coming from and that it was also a pretty average thing to do to the other girl as well.
Once he understood my feelings it stopped, and he came to me whenever he needed a bit of extra attention so I could provide.
Trust him 100% now

[Anonymous]

You already know you need to walk. And you already know why messages were deleted. You already know why it was 3am. You already know this wasn't the first night. Don't make excuses in your head. People always do that "oh it's a new relationship, it's ok we're not that deep yet" or "yea he doesn't just feel guilty because he was caught, he feels guilty because he loves me"

Please please please, don't stay in this. For your first relationship, this is awful. If you stay, these things will happen again. And when that happens in first relationships, it's always so easy to repeat the cycle. If you walk, you'll feel so proud and have so much self worth and just walk off with your head held high, you're much more likely to know for next time and won't put up with crap from guys meaning you only have guys who treat you good.

[HitGirl_4680]

It's a bit fishy, he wasn't being honest and he was hiding things. Be it just texting or not that hurt your feelings and that's what matters.

You have to re build the trust however you feel will do that for you. You did nothing wrong. He has to earn your trust back.

Some do some dont. Time and feeling will tell.

Been in a similar sitch myself...

[lovydoey]

Break up with him. U should NEVER feel like plan B only plan A. And he obviously still cares/loves his ex enough to be secretive texting her and not be upfront with u about it.
U should find another guy that sees u as his only trophy and ur only plan to conquest ur heart. Not some guy that wants a girlfriend but also an ex. U deserve better :)

[Anonymous]

There is no good reason to be talking to an ex while in a relationship. That tells me he isn't over her and you have every right to feel bothered or mad. If it was me I would have dumped him because the way I see it; he isn't mature enough to take a relationship seriously and is still hung up over the ex.

[ClumsyAngel]

... an ego boost from someone who cheated on you that probably hurt your ego when it happened...
I don't think he forgot what he sent, he was still hiding something. I think you reacted correctly here

[Ayra_Frey]

How about you apologize for breaking his privacy... and then BREAK UP with this soon to be ex (hopefully). I mean, he isn't over her. He had to hide it, let go of this guy. His ex should be the past, he didn't even move on!!

[Daddys_Bri]

he's cheating if its secret and at three sorry but that what i think

[taytay10133]

dump his ass u deserve better

[Erik-Shaw1993]

Break ties with him and save yourself the trouble.

[DJtechnojoe]

maybe he just wanted someone to talk to

[Anonymous]

Uh oh that sounds like trouble!

[PlussizeElla]

Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Who cares.