If sex appeal only attracts players, can you really attract a guy on dating apps without showing your sex appeal?

[Crimsyjo]

I guess some will say what is meant by sex appeal. I mean, a really beautiful woman won't need to try to give off sex appeal. She could probably wear a hotdog costume, blanket, bin liner and still look sexy without trying. But for us older average looking gals... it's hard not to wanna draw a guy visually if you might otherwise get overlooked. But then once you do that it's hard for them to look beneath the surface and see what an awesome person you are too?

And I know. Dating sites are pretty terrible for having 80% of people on there probably only looking for sex. But I don't meet anyone I feel attracted to out in group events either? I am working on it!

[meepmeeperton]

I don't think there's any shame in showing off the goods a bit, just don't come off as too desperate with it. Have a little subtlety. Otherwise you risk getting equally desperate guys who are extremely horny and will type things to you they wouldn't have the confidence to say to your face outside of the app... post nut clarity will hit them like a truck though.

[Crimsyjo]

Yh I post pretty normal pics. Maybe 👀. Just wearing normal tops that show a little cleavage. One pic has a cop hat on. But that's just face shot. Rest are like having meal out in pubs. 😏

[animalwithin]

You say you're older/average looking. How much do yo weigh? Do you take care of your skin? Are you in shape? These are basic things that go a very long way that most women ignore and then they wonder why they can't find someone.

[Crimsyjo]

Yes I spent 8 years single and just looking after myself with no dating intentions or desires. No I'm not skinny tho. But I've had FBs from age 20 to 27 who say I'm sexy. I get hit on in clubs with guys in their 20's who think I look 30-35.
I apply sun screen everyday no matter the weather and night cream etc. For maybe about 4 years now. I go gym 4 days a week. I have ton's of energy and high sex drive. More than my recent 37 Yr old boyfriend could handle.
My issue isn't my sex appeal. It's more that it's all guys see and not the fact that I'm an intelligent, independent, goal orientated, self-sufficient, communicative woman with dreams and passions, hobbies and goals. And also loyal, caring with strong morals regarding being faithful despite how free I am when single.

[animalwithin]

Interesting. I think modern society has conditioned many men to just view women as sex objects (for many reasons but honestly women perpetuate this so I don't blame men).

You're going to have to deal with that fact and just be very, very, very selective. It's not necessarily bad to have sex appeal, but the onus is on you as a woman to be seen as more than that. It's up to you to lay the foundation for a guy to take you seriously beyond your sex appeal, not him. This is done through your appearance, the way you dress, speak, carry yourself, the subjects you talk about, etc.

[MrOracle]

This is not an attack, or anything personal, but I can't help but explain this to you, and to any other women facing a similar situation who might be reading this.

You said "the fact that I'm an intelligent, independent, goal orientated, self-sufficient, communicative woman with dreams and passions, hobbies and goals."

You may not realize this, but when mean hear the words "independent" and "self-sufficient", they immediately cross you off the "relationship material" list. These are NOT things men value - they're things men AVOID, at least when it comes to a relationship (for just casual sex, it doesn't matter either way, because he won't be dealing with those aspects of you).

I realize that you've been taught Feminist ideals your entire life, and you've been told you need to be independent and self-sufficient, but MEN HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR THIS, and are turned off by it. But that's not an accident - Feminist leaders intentionally set out to destroy relationships between men and women, and have openly admitted this in places where they felt it was safe to do so (among other hard-core Feminist women).

Women who are independent and self-sufficient almost never respect men, nor will they ever admit that they NEED men (even when they clearly do), and that means that such a woman is almost certain to destroy her man's life eventually (women have no problem destroying things they don't respect), which is why today's men actively avoid such women for relationships like vampires avoid sunlight.

Again, men don't care if you're independent if all he wants to do is bang you a couple days a week, but it's a completely different situation if we're talking about a relationship. Casual sex and relationships are two completely different things, and men absolutely treat them differently, and just because you qualify for one does not mean you qualify for the other. This is true for all women (to the extent that this generalization is true - there are always a handful of exceptions to any generalization, but the generalization is true the overwhelming majority of the time), not just you. Your own experience should be enough proof that this is true - I'm just trying to help you understand WHY it's true.

Relationships come at a huge cost and a huge risk for men, and so they're only willing to go through with it if they can get certain things that they really value - and that's NOT independence and self-sufficiency, at least not for the vast majority of men. Obviously you can be those things, you'll just have to be those things without a man, but you can't have it both ways. You might have been able to get away with that when you were 20 and hot, but your 20s are long gone, and men would rather have peace alone than deal with an independent woman at home who will destroy every bit of his peace.

[Crimsyjo]

Of course I value your opinion!! That's why I'm here 😊. I guess we as women are told constantly that being clingy and needy are also turn offs for men!! So I guess it's about expressing them middle ground right? Any suggestions?
My current tinder reads:
Open, honest, genuine, outgoing, friendly, fun, spontaneous, educated, nice gal. Seeking same back. Only, not a gal 😆 guy version of me. Open, honest, genuine. Energy. Monogamy!
Questions. Name one non-materialistic thing u can't live without? 👀
What's a deal breaker for you when looking for love? 🥰
Why did you swipe right? 😝
Opinion on pineapple on pizza? 🍍🍕

What do you think? I've tried lots of different profiles. I used to list more qualities I wanted in a man but using the word dominant mainly drew guys looking for dom/sub sex. I've tried saying I have career, car, studying etc just want a guy to have that spark and joy with.
Yeah.. that prob screams "independent so just need sex" or something lol
To be honest I'm not sure guys really read the profiles so i just kept it light.

[Serkee]

@Crimsyjo I think you were right to stop listing as many qualities that you want in a man. Seeing a list of qualifications makes guys feel like we're looking at a job ad. Most of us won't say it, but we feel belittled by that. We want to be with girls who we can be comfortable around, not girls who make us feel like we have to constantly impress them and prove that we're worthy. Guys who are looking for a relationship and not just sex will probably skip right past you if you have a list of qualifications they have to meet in your bio. Players will just say "yeah, sure, whatever" and ignore the list, and swipe right anyway. Because what do they care? What you want in a man doesn't affect them at all if they don't intend to be your man.

I think your list of questions is a good idea too. It's a good way to break the ice. So many guys just say "hey" because they don't really have anything to work with in most girls' profiles. Even if they have a shared interest, opening with something about that interest unprompted just feels forced and awkward. You giving them a prompt to start with is both a great way to help them start a conversation, and a great way to weed out people who didn't read your profile.

Overall I think you have a good bio. It's a lot more inviting than most, and you give them a good opportunity to message first with something other than "hey." Because as much as I'm sure you're annoyed by those messages, guys hate sending them too. They just can't think of anything else if they don't have anything to work with other than pictures and a list of things you want. The only thing I'd change on your profile is to get rid of or change your last two questions. "Why did you swipe right" feels like an interview question, and "opinion on pineapple on pizza" feels like generic filler. Other than that, no notes, great profile!

[Crimsyjo]

@Serkee awww great thank you!!! I will make those changes. Think I just struggled to think at the time lol
And hmm. So far nobody has actually answered the questions so I am still probably getting player type guys who don't even care about the profile haha

Oh and I totally get the "hey" opener. But I know for sure guys also get fed up of sending more meaningful first message only to be ignored anyways! So I get it. It's OK. As long as once you respond you then get something more substantial to show interest and ability to communicate well lol.

[MrOracle]

@Serkee gave you some good advice. And, yes, as much as possible, you should always be targeting middle ground, and never the extremes. Most people occupy the middle ground, and few people are comfortable in any situation that's extreme.

You don't want to communicate sex appeal, because you aren't just looking for casual sex. Instead, you want to communicate FEMININITY, which may be similar, but it's definitely NOT the same thing. A man wants to know what FEMININE elements you can bring to the relationship - he doesn't need (or want) any masculine ones, because he's already got those covered. If all you had to eat for a year is beans, no one is going to impress you with their bean supply, right? People want things they don't already have, not things they already have in abundance. This is why things like careers and degrees and income and independence are a turn-off - not because we don't want you to have those things, but because if you think men value those things in a woman (like women value them in men), it means you have no concept of what men are looking for, and that just means conflict.

I know you said you weren't having a lot of luck meeting guys locally, but I *really* advise you to revisit that. The fact is that the majority of single "relationship men" are not on dating apps - really, nearly all the men who are on the apps are those just seeking casual sex. There may be a few exceptions, but the odds are not in your favor due to supply and demand.

Meeting people in person - and building up new circles of friends - takes a lot more work and time, but the payoff is real. Most of the guys you'd meet on dating apps aren't going to be local, so what's really the point of that anyway? If you want a real relationship and someone to actually share your life with, that person needs to be local to you.

[Crimsyjo]

😍 I'm sat at a outside pub table drinking a cider and sketching as I type.
I'm trying u know!! Putting myself out there in public lol

[MrOracle]

Find some local coed activities that you would enjoy anyway - a cooking class, a sport (even a bowling league or a dart club), a movie group, a car club, or whatever you might have in your area - and get involved. You *may* meet someone directly doing that, but that's not necessarily the goal - the real goal is to meet new friends, and then start doing things with your new friends outside of the activity - a party or BBQ or whatever - and meet THEIR friends, who are already partially vetted by your friends. That's where you are most likely to find the real good guys, because they'll come out to their friends events even if they never otherwise go to anything social.

I know it's far easier to sit on your couch and swipe, but ask yourself what the REAL results of that are. Almost certainly, the results have been dismal, because the vast majority of people don't use dating apps for anything other than attention/validation (mostly women) or for casual sex (both men and women). People looking for real relationships on dating apps is rare.

[MrOracle]

That's a good start. I'm genuinely trying to give you advice that will help you succeed, because you failing is bad for everyone, and you succeeding is good for everyone. I'm glad you took it in the spirit it was intended.

Focus on being happy/positive, and on being Feminine. Those things will attract men (including "relationship men") better than anything else. When you pick out your outfit, think "feminine, classy, and casual" unless you're doing something that requires you to be more formal. Being feminine brings its own sex appeal - a slightly different flavor - without you having to be in any way suggestive.

When you have free time to think, imagine that you are a man, and do all of the things that men do, and ask yourself "what would I want when I got home from work, as a man?" Set aside sex, and even set aside food (though food is a very good answer), and think about what ELSE a man would want.

If your mind went to hugs, cuddles, and softly spoken words, you are on the right track. We don't need gifts, and we don't need perfection, and we don't need anything complicated or expensive. We need femininity, positivity, simplicity, and peace. The better you understand that, and the more you can communicate to a man that you understand that, the more likely you are to succeed.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I wouldn't bother with sex appeal. If you want a great guy, get a professional photographer or a friend who is really good to take pics of you doing different things that you love (biking, farmer's markets, walking in the park, etc.). Here's an example of posting photos that show your attractiveness without baring skin:

Post this...

Not this...

No. Just... no.

Hope this helps. :)

[Crimsyjo]

Honestly... if I see guys with "professional " photos like this I immediately think catfish, fake or AI.
And there are plenty of AI bots on dating apps.
I've been working on better pics that are not selfie. And only flesh I show is normal amount wearing my normal type tops that might show top of cleavage. But it's not "in your face" lol

[Crimsyjo]

Oh and thank you! I appreciate your opinion and examples!! I'm still working on more pics in locations!

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Of course and you're welcome! I used stock photos for copyright reasons, but I hear what you are saying. :D

A friend who's good with a camera/phone and using a tripod and natural diffused lighting will help a lot. You want to use as few filters as possible to give an accurate representation of how you look. These online selfies have so many filters being used that people are unrecognizable. It's perfect that your fav color is red/crimson. That catches the eye and stands out in profiles. I wish you the best of luck! :D

[Crimsyjo]

Yeah it's really hard but I don't put filters on any of my dating app photos anymore lol. I've been learning 😄

[osmanthus]

Dating apps generally are over saturated by horndogs and if that's your jam then nobody would stop you from possibly getting laid by any Tom, Dick, and Harry. Heck, some websites have catfishes wherein the guy purposely uses a false photo (s) they illegally ripped of or used without permission of someone they don't know or knew by 6 degrees of separation. I'd say meeting people in real life eliminates all of that; they don't have anything to hide behind and have to actually talk and interact with you.

[ProbablyClueless]

It's not that sex appeal only attracts players; it's that sex appeal is the only thing players are attracted to. So by leading with your sex appeal, you're attracting everybody, but if you aren't offering anything of deeper substance, the only people who will stick around are the players.

[Crimsyjo]

I feel like I add substance... in fact if a guy doesn't show some interest of talking to me and getting a connection I'm the one saying bye bye.
Some things about me outside of sex... I'm an artist, a student, I work, I go social events such as comedy shows, movies, bars, lunch out. I have an interest in philosophy and psychology (my current degree) and an interest in people. I go gym and keep fit. I listen to lots of music. Sooo... I'm never short of things to talk about. But unless you talk flirty guys still act like u are boring.

[ProbablyClueless]

Relationships definitely take two people! The guy has to be interested and you have to be interesting.

For what it's worth, I've dated women who were so stunned that I was taking a genuine interest in them that they didn't know how to feel like they were interesting people.

[Crimsyjo]

Awww. Your username of probably clueless does not fot you. That's awesome u are actually a genuine guy who likes to actually know a person on a deeper level!!
Wish there were more guys like you! I've met a lot but only through friendship like on here. I think the fault must be with the dating app and expectations around that.

[lightbulb27]

Id keep it modedt or you lose certain guys. Its fishing… what lure used likits audience

[Anonymous]

Well gee, take a look at your profile pic with your head cropped off. What kind of guy do you think that attracts.🙄😆😆😆

If you are a decent woman you will attract decent guys along with the trash. If your not a decent woman decent guys will sniff that out and stay way, regardless of what you do. You might trap one here or there that isn't very woman savvy. But as soon as he figures out he's making his dash for freedom.

[katiesmuff]

Only a sad individual would even get on a useless dating app!

[Crimsyjo]

Why? How else do you meet people who are single and not afraid to tell you that they are interested?
I was single 8 years and not approached once until I started using dating sites.

[Billlewis]

Just your comments and questions alone are enough to raise the dead... lol

[Crimsyjo]

Aww. Well i do love it here. I get to be free to show myself both sexually and my personality. And those that take time to get to know me see both sides of me. That's what I want more of in the offline world! But it's hard.

[Billlewis]

Just take your time and you'll be successful, I'm sure of it;)

[MrGSpotHer]

Yes I know what you mean but with me I noticed women will go for the men who make more money than average, the type that actually play women and have lots of friends with benefits

[Crimsyjo]

I don't know if I'm unusual? But I've never asked a man about his money in my life. And I've dated men who don't even have a job. Which has been a mistake. But only because I end up supporting them when all I ask is they support themselves. Doesn't matter from what job. They could be a toilet cleaner but so long as that pays their bills and they have income over to be able to do nice things together (sharing the cost) that's good enough for me.
What country are u in?
I hear this comment a lot from men and don't know if it's a culture thing (women in U. S in particular?) Or a false idea men have come to? Like thinking penis size matters so much to women?

[MrGSpotHer]

Well I don't need to be supported I have an income and my own flat I live in Wales UK, I just think even when they don't realise it women will pick a guy that feels more secure with a good payed job and good income even more on a date app, it's not always what they realise they are doing it's more with out knowing it, but for some reason it feels I'm always ending up on the question about work and income and it's always the end of that conversation with that person if I lied I would get meets all the time pmsl

[MrGSpotHer]

But to answer your question I think women would only attract the right types not showing sex appeal but it's all a lotto now and if you pay on the dating apps I don't really go out much looking for a female now to know I don't like how things have changed so much

[Crimsyjo]

I hear you. And I don't know enough about other women's motives or behaviour to really say for sure. But asking a man about his job and status (own house, car) isn't always about wanting to take advantage of a man. Quite the opposite. As I said... I've gone out with men without those things and they take advantage of me. So it's a woman's way of saying I want to get to know you but I don't want to feel you are using me for a place to live or to sponge off me.
It's sad but true. Number of guys who are living at home with mum still and seem eager to want to come move in with me!! And probably jump from short term relationship to next one instead of trying to support themselves! It's out there!
I would like a guy to have a job, car and at least be renting his own place. But like you said.. it's hard for me to ask those things and not seem like I'm the one trying to take advantage of a guy!

[MrGSpotHer]

I don't know how they can do that they must lie a lot I guess, I don't like to lie if I did I would get meets all the time 🤣

[Crimsyjo]

Haha no point in getting meets if the lie is too obvious! My last two jobless boyfriends did indeed lie about having jobs when we was at the talking stage! And then once met I'm too soft hearted to want to "judge" and "dismiss" someone when they turn round and give me a sob story of why they not got a job at the moment.
I did tell my recent ex it was a red flag for me. Right from start lol. But I gave him a chance.
Turned out he also had a conviction for fire arms and fraud 🙄

[MrGSpotHer]

Well no I'd have a income so I'd only be saying a half lie 🤥, I just find it difficult to lie I tried before and I had to reply in the middle of the night to say I don't work I couldn't rest at all 😆

[MrGSpotHer]

But I don't know if I agree I think if they knew me before deciding to dismiss the low income they wouldn't always think the same if money didn't really matter to them..

[DrPepper12]

No sex appeal necessary with a great profile and pic.

[Nikki1989]

Guys on dating apps are desperate, so of course.

[thenerdone]

Personally I wouldn't want to date someone whose only (or primary) appeal appears to be their body. I'm not really very interested in sexiness and I'm sure aome other guys feel the same way.

[elizamichale1]

I think showing off ur sex appeal is a little necessary to find a gud match

[Juxtapose]

There are people that are both romantic and lewd, it can be hard to find them I guess though. I consider myself both.

[Enes38]

In my opinion, sexuality is not everything, a person's conversation and the peace I find with her are more important.

[noohair]

Social media has given us a culture where looks are more important than content of character.

[Crimsyjo]

Absolutely!!! That's why I think only way to meet someone now is in a non date setting where u get to know a person over time!
I'm just trying to figure out how and where I can do that at my age!

[Anonymous]

Sex appeal is THE most important aspect in attracting ANY guy. Not just players--ANY guy.

[Crimsyjo]

Haha oh. Well i have enough sex appeal. Took me time to accept myself as I am and realise it and not it's like a super power lol. BUT it's a curse too because how do you also move the guy to want more than just sex with you?

I just started talking to this guy on Tinder. Says he wants long term. Saying right things. And I tried really hard to hold my 😈 side in but he still got hot and horny and then my devil rose and I couldn't hold back. So now we both like grrr... wanting to fuck and he can't stop texting me how 🔥🥵🥵🥵😈💦💦 he feels. BUT... i do want that in a relationship! Not as a fling!! And feel it's too late now to reel him in. His mind has gone to the sex zone lol.

[Opinion Owner]

LOL! The sex zone cums (a lot!) before the relationship zone!

[Crimsyjo]

Haha yeah 😄. But these dating gurus on Facebook are all about how a woman should hold out at least 3 months and not even mention the word water or shower so as not to switch them into sex zone. But a) no sex zone means guy usually fizzles out of the convo within an hour. And b) it is important to know you both on same page sexually. Right?

I guess I should just fuck him and see if he loses interest or wants more more more haha!

[woahhh152]

Dating apps like Tinder are literally used for hookups

[JohnK123]

Never been on a dating app so maybe? Haha

[Crimsyjo]

Haha I bet you at college or still hanging with large groups of people u met through school? It's much easier when you are younger! When u get older and don't have many friends or they married and working and don't have time to hang out... ? Finding other people similar to you gets really hard! So dating apps in theory are great idea. If people were honest on there.

[JohnK123]

Oh ya true

[CubaPirate]

Good luck with that one