My wife is hiding secret messages from me. What should I do?

Question

We've been married for almost a year, dated for a year before that. Last summer, I found out my wife was still getting messages from a guy she dated when we first met. She promised to block him, but recently, I saw his notification again. She tried to hide it and later deleted her reply, making me suspicious. When I asked to check her phone, she refused, and became aggressive.

She eventually confessed to having old dating apps, but her explanations seemed like half-truths. Our conversations go in circles—she downplays her actions and insists on forgiveness without showing genuine regret. I'm not sure if I even want to forgive her. I need advice.

Skinhead-1979 · Accepted Answer

Sounds familiar... I also knew that my partner, with whom I have been 'together' (living under the same roof) for 11 years, was cheating behind my back and I have confronted her a number of the times. Initially I was easy to fool, but towards the end no more.

I requested her to have a conversation about our 'relationship', she agreed... but then started to stall and wanted to wait till after the Christmas (The 'Christmas Deadline' is nothing new with her, she's done that multiple times to me... and also to the guy before me). I declined and forced her to make a decision before that. I didn't want to pretend to be a happy family on Christmas and then that I'd be 'purged' after that.

She started off by saying "I know you have done your best, but it is not enough... it is over".

Uhm excuse me? I wasn't aware I was the one who had to prove himself? She's the emotionally abusive one, and I constantly begged her to change and start caring about me (I didn't realise there was the possibility she is a Narcissist at that time... I do know now); I suspected that she was cheating and nearly caught her out a few times... I even knew with which guy she was cheating... but no, I had to prove myself.

I was always the one to request the conversation about our relationship; never her... and they always went the same; I would vent my frustrations, fears and concerns... and she would just stare, like a sheep, at the wall behind me, barely saying anything to me.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

Talk to her about it and stand your ground with her , and tell her you will not tolerate a cheating wife , and give her an ultimatum. Let her know you will file for divorce if she doesn’t cut all ties off with her ex and delete herself off of those dating apps. Before you tell her to delete those apps , screen shot them and save them to your phone for evidence, if you end up in divorce court , that evidence will help you take her ass down.

Damaged00 · Accepted Answer

I want to tell you to try to save your marriage. That marriage is sacred and worth it. That maybe if you have a talk with her and express how you feel that she will change and suddenly be all in. But I can't. I've been where you are and I tried for YEARS to save a marriage with someone just like her. I wasted so much time and effort. I regret staying and hoping as long as I did. It killed my spirit. You will always question and wonder if she is doing this even if she does stop. It isn't a way to live. I'm very sorry you are going through this but save yourself.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

ask her what the secret is bro

also... married after only a year of dating. it's not like anyone couldn't see this coming. come on. too soon. did you get engaged at the 6 month mark then?

just get a divorce. your whole marriage cycle is as long as someone not even being proposed to yet. it's been 2 years total. you should have waited longer

anyways. you have the proof, she knows it too. so communicate with your wife about it. do not take "tip toeing" around anything for an answer

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I don't know why she married you, but it doesn't sound like she wans to be married. . . at least not married to you. Sorry, but this will not get better. You can try giving her ultimatums, demanding marriage counselling, etc. but if she is not motivated, nothing will change. Get out now and cut your losses.

DishLady · Answer

Sounds shady. If you want to be kind, watch her delete her old apps. There’s no reason she needs them. If she refuses then give her an ultimatum.

Anonymous · Answer

Man, that's a tough situation to be in, and I can see why you're feeling conflicted. Trust is one of those things that's really hard to rebuild once it's been shaken, especially in a marriage. The fact that she tried to hide the notification and then got defensive when you asked about it is definitely a red flag. It sounds like you're dealing with more than just a small slip-up it's about the trust and transparency that's essential in a relationship.
One thing to consider is that her refusal to let you check her phone and her aggressive reaction could be a sign that there’s something she doesn’t want you to see. And while it's possible she genuinely doesn’t understand how much this is affecting you, it's also possible she's minimizing it because she's not ready to own up to what she's done or face the consequences.
When it comes to whether or not you should forgive her, that’s a deeply personal decision. But forgiveness doesn’t mean just sweeping things under the rug and moving on like nothing happened. It means working through the issues, understanding why they happened in the first place, and making sure they don’t happen again. It also means she has to be willing to put in the effort to rebuild the trust she’s broken.
And about those dating apps—if she's still hanging onto those, that’s a big issue. It's not just about old messages; it’s about keeping doors open that should have been closed when she committed to you.
You have to think about what you need to feel secure and valued in this relationship. If she's not willing to meet you halfway and work on this, it might be time to seriously reassess things.

Purpleronnie · Answer

I’d simply remind her that your relationship / marriage is built around trust and that you feel that her being vague and secretive about apps on her phone or conversations she is having is giving you cause to believe that you can’t fully trust her.
Ask her how she would feel , act or react if the situation were to be reversed.

If she can’t understand that honesty and trust are important to the future of your relationship then I’d suggest that she takes some time in a different space and re-evaluate what she wants.

BeenThereLovedIt · Answer

You already know the truth, the red flags are up. She gets combative and secretive. She's texting with old flames. You've only been with her two years, and I don't care if you are married or not, you simply don't really know her as well as you should before marrying her, so it's your fault too, but that's neither here or there.

Two years is too soon and now you see why. You need to confront her on an epic level. Don't bother trying to trap her in a lie or catch her in the act, you already know she has disrespected you and gaslit you over it.

Seriously, leave her, have her served with divorce papers. Thank whatever gods you worship that you don't have kids with her (you don't, right?).

I've seen this behavior from women time and time again, and it's always, always, always the same thing. She's either cheating, or moving in that direction, and she's already settled on that course of action. Get out and get as far away from her as possible, while you still can.

barbie · Answer

That’s a tough situation, and your concerns are valid. Trust is crucial in any relationship, and her hiding notifications and reacting defensively when asked is a red flag. Forgiving her is up to you, but it requires more than just moving on—it means addressing the issue and rebuilding trust. If conversations keep going in circles, a marriage counselor might help. The fact that she still has old dating apps is a big issue too. You deserve a relationship without doubts about loyalty. If she’s not willing to work on this, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.

dustybiker2 · Answer

If she had nothing to hide she wouldn't act suspiciously. It probably started back innocently enough but somewhere along the way she crossed a line (maybe mildly) but feels guilty enough to hide it.
I'd be inclined to tell her she's obviously hiding something, either be honest and up front now, so you can talk about it, or you will have trust issues which will cause irrevocable harm to the relationship.

HawkPerception · Answer

Sorry man. I'd just leave her. There should not be any shady actions like that in a serious relationship let alone a marriage. Set her free. I have always let my partners have fingerprint access to my phone and they've done the same with me. They were the ones who initiated it too, which I love. You should have nothing to hide from your loved ones.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

She is cheating on you only 2 years in so she is for the streets, best to throw her back on it. You could try counselling but I doubt there is anything to save here. I personally always check peoples phones its the easiest source to find a cheater, especially someone who won't show me what I want to see, they are for the trash lol.

patty · Answer

I get why you’re feeling conflicted. Trust is key in any relationship, and her hiding notifications and reacting defensively when you asked about it is definitely concerning. Her refusal to show you her phone and the aggressive response suggest she might be hiding something. Forgiving her is your choice, but forgiveness shouldn’t mean ignoring the issue.
If you’re stuck in endless, unproductive conversations, a marriage counselor could help you both see things more clearly. Also, the fact that she’s holding onto old dating apps is a big issue. You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to doubt your partner’s loyalty. If she’s not willing to work on rebuilding trust, it might be time to reassess the relationship.

Breanna_nonbinary · Answer

Every human has needs. In a relationship we have needs too. People cheat in relationships because one of their needs isn’t being met. For men this is usually sex and for women this is usually love (or the perception of more affection). If our partner isn’t meeting our needs then we should be able to seek those out in other people.
This means you have a choice. Either do more to fulfill her needs or allow her to seek them out in others.

edmwarrior · Answer

She's a bop. Trust me i've been there. These are all red flags. I've seen this red flags with my ex wife. I trusted her 100% though. My trust was wrong. She doesn't respect you enough to block her ex. She doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth. She won't respect you enough to not cheat on you. She will cheat if she hasn't already. Trust me. Break it off now and get it over with. Don't waste anymore time

_Troian_ · Answer

That doesn't sound great to be honest.. thats a huge red flag for me which can't be tolerated. If I ever get myself into serious relationship, that will be only if she doesn't involve any guy around her that she had things in the past.. I don't even tolerate male friends, being this much open and comfortable is not masculine behaviour in my opinion.. she gonna listen and know about my principles if she wants to be in relationship with me, that's it.

Staximus · Answer

The fact that she refused to let you see her phone means she still had calls, texts, messages in other apps etc. from him that were not deleted. If she had nothing to hide or messages that were just friendly and wanted to end the issue, she would have just handed you the phone. She sounds shadier than an old oak tree.

BetaBucks · Answer

Just know that she'll never actually change. She'll just get better at hiding it and might take breaks when the suspicion builds up too much. There's almost no chance that she's loyal to you.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

One day you'll stop being a sucker. Do you want that to happen at 45 or 65? Which do you think will be easier to recover a high quality of life?

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

I think you should call quits on this childish behavior and dump her, there's women out there that don't play these childish games and are good with commitment.

Belgie · Answer

She is showing you contempt. Divorce is in your future.

LiamJHayden · Answer

So sorry you put a ring on her, because she gives every indication of being unfaithful and ending things is so much easier when there are no legal entanglements.

Ladsin2 · Answer

Are your assets tied together with her?

tzdc21 · Answer

She's cheating dude. It's crystal clear by her behavior. Divorce her.

Sweetdreams1950 · Answer

Talk to your wife about it, You can talk things out in your relationship.

In_Trance · Answer

I don't think you need advice. You know what needs to happen

gorydetails · Answer

Start divorce proceedings. She's 100% fucking other guys.

Anonymous · Answer

Get your financial affairs in order, update your dating apps and get ready to hit the dating market again.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Ah, the phone is the tool of the cheater.

Anonymous · Answer

No advice needed.. better to get divorce papers ready!ضمير: هم, هن

exitseven · Answer

Trust but verify.

hisstarrr · Answer

Divorce. She's unhappy with you.

Iron_Man · Answer

Put a stop to it immediately

pethouse · Answer

She’s cheating on you dog. Divorce her.

Awantika03 · Answer

Family matters talk with her

Anonymous · Answer

Don’t be a cuck dump her

Dongie · Answer

Trust her.

jahaims · Answer

Divorce

My wife is hiding secret messages from me. What should I do?

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