Found texts on husbands phone with another woman - what should I do?

Question

I found texts on my husbands phone with his college "friend". We ran into her last year and he was looking at her weird. For month's he's been on his phone non-stop. Also, he kept sitting in his car in the garage on his phone? So while he was sleeping, I opened it (don't ask how) and saw a ton of messages with his "friend". From what I can tell they haven't met up but he's trying hard to convince her. He showers her with praise, says he's always been in love with her, that "you are the perfect woman I never believed existed". Talks about how perfect her face is. She writes about wanting to start a family (not with him) - my husband is writing crap about her having a 2.0 of our daughter!!! She says "go talk to your wife" and he wrote "Im not thinking of my wife in that capacity" I am devastated but don't know what to say because of how I found the messages. He is pestering her in the texts to let him take her to lunch. She says "sure I'll hang out with your whole family. Your daughter is so cute" and he just keeps responding "you can have 2.0 of my daughter". I am financially dependent on my husband. He even owns the business I run for us and he has another full-time job making most of our income. So I cannot just leave. I feel devastated. But is this even cheating if he hasn't seen her? Is this just fantasy for him? Went through his DM's and texts - there don't seem to be any other messages. He's pretty locked into this one person.

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

This was upsetting to read. It started out upsetting right off the bat. It got increasingly upsetting as I read it through.

I am so sorry this is happening. I am literally angry and upset just reading about this happening to a stranger. I can only imagine how you must feel right now.

This is 100% cheating. This is cheating as bad as if he were having an affair with the neighbor. The fact that they may not have met up means nothing. This is not fantasy.

I am huge into privacy, and in general, I would not be ok with phone snooping. I'd be really hard on that... usually.

In your case, it is irrelevant.

**His guilt removes any moral culpability for your snooping.**

This motherfucker WAS cheating. It's a good thing you did invade his privacy. It's ok to slap him if he tries to use this against you when you confront him.

So as I was reading this, my bloods getting up, and I'm getting angry on your behalf, and then more upset because you are even thinking about the snooping being a potential issue... then

I read that you are financially dependent on your husband. I felt like a punch in the stomach. There goes everything I would be urging you to do. Which would be essentially: "confront him, or don't but If you don't... you should leave"

That isn't a practical option. At all.

I usually do have some decent suggestions. I am not finding any easy solution here. Your situation might be one to think about, before taking any action whatsoever. (I have never in my life said that to someone who had been cheated on).

Because of the economic reality, rushing to confront him can have some serious implications for your future.

I think that you should get a consultation with a divorce lawyer to discuss the realities of your economic circumstances. You might be entitled to a lot more than you might think.

You really should ideally, know what your actual situation is before you confront him. You need to know what the exact stakes are, if you confront him and end up wanting to walk away.

Or if you decide you want to walk away without confronting him at all: you need to know what "walking away" actually would look like, to know if it's even a real option for you.

It might be more of an economically viable option than you might assume. If its at all possible, I really think a consultation with a lawyer about your specifics is a smart first step.

I think that you should hold off for now, if you can, from confronting him. But only because it might not be the most prudent move.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Feel free to DM me if you ever want to chat, or vent or anything at all. No pressure of course.

I understand you might not want to talk about it. I honestly don't know how you got through writing those details here. It was painful just to read. But if you do don't hesitate to shoot me a message.

Shiprex · Accepted Answer

He's emotionally cheating and making this other woman probably uncomfortable. He's not being kind or committed to making you aware of WHY he's doing this. Is he bored? NOT a good excuse. Is he missing out? NOT a good excuse. Is he keen to find out because she was his first love? Maybe but still a shitty excuse.
SO wygd? It's a tough one because you NEED his support but it is clear he's trying to hide this "relationship" from you and that he's prepared to destroy the trust you and he should be sharing.

Suggestion
1. Maybe try bringing up this woman if possible in a less than intrusive way so he can perhaps click you're aware of his interest
2. Seek contact with her through his phone to arrange some meeting that you can actually bump into them and reveal his sordid behaviour

You've found out this by devious means because you sensed something was amiss and that's perhaps underhand of you BUT it has been because you were suspicious. Bring it up as a thing and that you want to get to the bottom of.

MzAsh · Accepted Answer

First off, I just want to say I am really sorry you are going through this.

You did not imagine it, you did not overreact. You knew something was wrong in your gut, and you were right to trust yourself. He is the one who betrayed the marriage, not you.

Now to be absolutely clear…

Yes, this is 100 percent cheating.

People get confused because they think cheating only counts if there is sex involved. Wrong.

Cheating is anything that violates the emotional or physical boundaries of your relationship. If you believe this is a betrayal to you, it is betrayal. Period. And in a marriage, this absolutely qualifies. No doubt about it.

He is emotionally attached, fantasizing, investing time and energy into another woman, and he is openly disrespecting you in the process. That is not a mistake. That is a deliberate choice. He is having a full-blown affair in his mind and heart. And let’s be honest, if this woman showed any real interest, he would not be sitting in the garage texting. He would already be gone.

Also, and this is important, this is not going to be one time thing. A man who crosses emotional lines this deeply does not just magically snap out of it.

If you stay, it is very likely you will face this kind of betrayal again. Different woman, same betrayal.

Also, stop worrying about how you caught him. You had instincts screaming at you. He is the one who broke the trust, not you. Do not let him flip it around and make you the villain.

Now, my advice…

Start gathering evidence now. Take screenshots, save messages, keep records before you even think about confronting him. Consult a divorce attorney quietly. Many offer free consultations. You need to know your rights.

Get a support system in place.

Reach out to friends or family, someone who can help you line up a place to stay or help you financially if needed. Fight for spousal support and your share of the marital assets.

You were financially dependent because of the life you both built together. You are entitled to your fair share. No guilt. No apologies.

This man had a full emotional affair under your nose, and you do not owe him silence, mercy, or loyalty at the expense of yourself. Take back your power. Protect your future. You deserve better, and you already have the strength inside you to make it happen.

Caroline91 · Accepted Answer

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is devastating. His behavior was so guilty that I think you are not wrong for having gone through his phone, and that's rarely something I would say. I would not absolve the woman he is talking to regardless of her rebuffing replies. She should have shut this down immediately if she was serious. Just the fact that she is still texting with him is encouraging him, so she must be enjoying the attention or be getting something else out of the continued contact. But it seems something is seriously off in the marriage bc, as a general rule, a man who is happy in his marriage doesn't do this. That in no way makes it all right. If you are unhappy, you address that with your spouse and work to fix it for both of you. I think the only thing you can do is get into counseling. I would suggest you start and get the therapist's suggestions on how to proceed. I can imagine how hurt you must be, as well as possibly feeling scared and trapped bc of your financial reality. I wish you the best.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

I'm here to sprinkle some love and guidance your way! First off, I totally get the whole snooping saga and emotions painting the room a fiery red. Trust is on a roller coaster here. This flirty messaging business is definitely a red flag, even if it's digital and not physical. Emotional affairs can be just as hurtful. 🌶️💔

Communicating with your husband is crucial, though. It's tricky when you've found things in a sneaky way, but you deserve answers. 📱🕵️‍♀️ Have an open and non-confrontational talk (try to leave the spy-glasses at home, if you can). Figuring out his intentions is key to untangling this web. Remember, love should lift you up, not tear you apart. Stay strong and remember that having a supportive friend or therapist can be a great anchor in these stormy waters. 💪😊

Finchie40 · Answer

Ummm yes that’s cheating , he is investing his time into this other girl behind your back , So if he wasn’t up to no good , he wouldn’t be doing this behind your back period. So he definitely has the intentions to cheat on you with this other girl , if this other girl said yes to him , he would be going to her without you knowing. I can’t tell You what to do , but when my wife pulled this shit on me with coworker , I immediately told her it’s over and separated from her cheating ass , even though she claims she didn’t cheat , she still had the intentions of cheating and that’s all the evidence you need to separate or divorce from his ass. Word of advice , send those messages to your phone without him knowing you did , so if you contact a divorce lawyer you can use this evidence against your husband in court and he will be paying you alimony for infidelity. If you follow through with the divorce. Do not think things will be ok , the trust you once had for him is now broken

DishLady · Answer

First of all, he’s an absolute shit.

Next, she’s doing the push-pull thing where she rejects the guy to accept him. (Otherwise she would have blocked his attentions to her and been sone with it.)

You can subtlety ask him something innocently that will make him nervous — like asking if he’s ever thought of having the 2.0 version of your kid… and wink at him.

Change your makeup and style a little — nothing crazy but just enough to wonder what’s up with you and this new apparent mode you’re in.

Make an effort with your appearance just to go out on a common errand (shopping etc) without checking in with him every few minutes. Let the afternoon pass till he asks you where you are.

Turning the push-pull to YOUR advantage may get him to second guess his situation with this other female. And if it doesn’t, you’re boosting your confidence a little at a time till you’re ready to move on.

ShellyB · Answer

First going through his phone is bad but seems justified to me based on the clues you were seeing, which turned out to be true. What he is doing is WAY WAY 100 TIMES WORSE than going through his phone.

I guess if you wanted to try to talk with him about it without admitting you snooped you could ask him about her in different ways at different times and compare his story he will probably slip up and you can then confront him about that and just say what you THINK is going on and see what he says.

But honestly I think I would just throw the texts in his face and leave him.

I do not know what to say on the financial part of it but, I don’t see how this relationship can continue. I am sorry but I don’t. Maybe it can if he apologizes and tries to be better but I think he is more likely to get angry and defensive.

Do you have family you can talk to and who might be able to help? I’m sorry for you dealing with this!! Good luck!!

AviatorTom · Answer

Tell your husband what you found, and how you feel, in a calm sitdown discussion with him. Communication is the most important thing in a marriage. What happens in thst discussion will help determine the future, whether your marriage continue, or not.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

She might be his college crush, I would suggest to dig deeper first on the view it might seem your husband is behind her but what led to it?

Try to get info on it why is he so infatuated with her?

Is he having midlife crisis and maybe he wants something more and new...

If this is the only issue and he has not hurt you in any other ways then you can try to bring him on the right path..

To hold a marriage is a great thing, there will be some ups and downs like one person can loose trust in another but divorce is not a solution if this is the only issue and he is not abusive to you or your child think about it.

Men sometimes get distracted in search of new thrill then ruin their and their loved ones life
If not you who will correct him.

Understand if he is happy or not in this marriage and what he wants from the life now.

And even if this has to end it doesn't need to be bitter.
Not saying his right or supporting him but if you understand the cause you might find solution

What I feel reading his conversation it's some kind of infatuation and she might be just flaming and flirting but lowkey.

So try to get in the root of it and make it work if possible.

Other wise as every one suggested you have lots of options but can you tolerate leaving without him it's not always about the money but the bond you have built.

Cormac995 · Answer

He's trying desperately to cheat to the point he's harrassing this poor woman to an extent. A lot of what he's saying is creepy and messed up and I'm sorry to say but you've married a selfish monster by the sound of this. You need to get a divorce from this POS. The good news is you've caught him and he doesn't know. Get coppies of all his messages and act normal like you don't know anything and build up as much evidence as possible. If you can prove how awful he is than with how biased our divorce courts are he'll likely get railroaded out of town and you might walk away with enough alimony you'll be perfectly fine. Also this will get your daughter to side with you when this blows up which she should. Also this is a when not an if. You can't stay because eventually he'll leave you anyways to try and be with her or someone else and you'll lose your financial stability anyways just later instead of now. Gather ammo and screw him in court. It's what he deserves in this case.

Amy10223 · Answer

She sounds as if she does not want to cause any rift between the two of you, and he seems like he is the one pursuing her. However, she IS texting him, and anything can happen.

If I were you, I'd take pictures of his texts with your own phone, and get myself a good lawyer who can help you. What to do--do you want to stay with him and know all this? I wouldn't, but that's my opinion. he is cheating in his heart, and before it leads anywhere else, try to become more financially dependent if there is a way. However--a lawyer with proof of adultery would cream him and would award you monthly money after a divorce. If you have children, they would need to stay with you as well, as courts would decide favor the parent who did the cheating. First see a lawyer, then file a motion in a court. It takes time.

On the other hand should you want to forgive him, know that this can happen again.

OneViewpoint · Answer

You have three choices.

Divorce him and become a single mom.

Or, stay and nothing will ever be the same. You'll be roommates by virtue of economics. You'll resent him for cheating. He'll resent you for keeping him from his dream woman. Maybe you'll both adopt a don't ask / don't tell policy and get sex outside your marriage until your kids are out of the way. Maybe you'll make good roommates. Dependable, some sort of "love", but no passion. And it won't be where you want to be. That's what I did.

You do the whole marriage counseling bullshit, cry and promise to do better and you both pretend you don't resent each other and basically end up in option #2 above anyway.

lyrem04 · Answer

Umm that def is cheating. I’d leave that man asap and silently put your safety first you only know someone until you don’t. Majority of crimes against women done by their partners are when they tell them they’re leaving them so stay safe and your child as well. I’m so sorry this is happening to you that’s horrible. Gosh I hate liars it’s like when someone lies to me their face change and they become unrecognizable like who r you. So yea don’t let him know you know until you’re somewhere safe would be my advice and def do leave him it’s just not worth it and not a great example for your kids to stay with a cheater.

Communicationisking · Answer

Wow that must be difficult to deal with, lucky she is/well seems like totally not down to be with him I bet she feels awkward being round him and is just too nice to tell him to F off and I get the message she is saying to him but he clearly doesn't.

It is concerning he has a crush that bad that he wants to have another kid with her but from what you have said she is smarter than that thank F for your sake.

I think this won't end well for him.

Really hope he works it out soon that he has no chance and that he is in a committed relationship with you and your family and that what he is doing is stupid.

glennos89 · Answer

Just tell him straight up that you looked in his phone and read the whole conversation. What a asshole is your husband unbelievable.

I would have divorced him straight away if I where in your shoes. He is trying to cheat if he hasn't already done it before. Do yourself a favor and get rid of this jerk

itsannalee · Answer

Never open someone else’s phone if you aren’t ready to see what in it.

Yes he cheats on you, my advice just simple.
Once someone betrays you once, they will betray you again someday. You don’t need to drink a whole sea to know if it salty.

NotLongKindaGirthy · Answer

If you want to get divorced, call a lawyer. Otherwise, call a marriage counselor. Or if you just want revenge, call your husband's best friend. Sorry this happened. Good luck.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Yes he's cheating. Emotional cheating is still cheating. Honestly talk to a lawyer before confronting him. Figure out what your options are.

MrChinaski · Answer

This is a difficult issue. Building financial independence, e. g. taking a different job your husband doesn't control, sounds as though it may give you more options down the track.

I'm sorry your husband is an ahole.

Anonymous · Answer

He's cheating and betraying your trust and you're snooping, betraying his trust. Some dude here says he is hard on this, but not now, that's not me. One wrong does never make a right in my book.

I don't know why you're so worried about not being able to afford to leave him, seems like he's planning to leave you, none the less only one thing you can do, and that's sit and talk. Stop being a little slave to him and his business and earn some money.

The one I feel for the most in all of this is the child.

sawno · Answer

Its cheating, up to you what you do but at this point secretly looking for a faithful guy would equal the energy.

MannMitAntworten · Answer

Go to a casino and make several large withdrawals. Tell your husband you lost everything gambling. Except, don’t gamble any of it of course. Make it your escape purse.

beenherebefore · Answer

Confront him immediately. No shouting, no accusations, no drama just say what you've seen and you would like an explanation.

Anonymous · Answer

That’s terrible!!! Confront your husband and talk to him. If you don’t like what he says, talk to a divorce lawyer. They can usually get you money if you end up divorcing him.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Confront him after you've meticulously documented your finances & suggest therapy if it's worth saving.

exitseven · Answer

See if you cn copy the texts and then see an attorney. This may not be as bad as you think.

Nikki1989 · Answer

The phone is the main tool of the cheater. Those devices are a curse.

worldscolide · Answer

This is insane, please leave him. He is emotionally cheating and trying to physically cheat. I am so sorry. I hate cheaters.

Staximus · Answer

So why are you not also the owner of the business you run?

Argyros5 · Answer

You can talk with a lawyer, or if you have any lawyer friends, you might ask them.

SolitarySolace · Answer

Check your own phone and be sure you’re not also doing the same before possibly becoming a hypocrite

StevenMcGarrett · Answer

Maybe you can message her and surprise him with a threesome.

Anonymous · Answer

Lose weight, build those glutes. Make sure he doesn't leave home with a loaded gun.

rebelkid · Answer

Just be upfront and confront him as soon as humanly possible

LiamS95 · Answer

Time to ask for a divorce.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Save the texts and file for divorce.

Vampirelover_12 · Answer

Dump that 304. Divorce him.

RedInnocent69 · Answer

Yeah, that’s a problem

robocop666 · Answer

she is not interested in him.

Anonymous · Answer

Take the man for all he owns , it’s over.

Gayuglycowardv3 · Answer

Open up the relationship

Vegasrunner · Answer

Is he HV?

happydayz234 · Answer

Break up. Simple as.

Found texts on husbands phone with another woman - what should I do?

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Found texts on husbands phone with another woman - what should I do?

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