Why do emotionally unavailable people still try to date?

Question

Many of us here on G@G have experienced heartbreak and done the recovery work to heal and move forward with our lives, however it's difficult to encounter others who haven't done this and yet consider themselves "ready" to date again, which often leads to a great deal of frustration and wasted time/attention over someone who simply isn't ready to date with any serious intentions.

So why do emotionally unavailable people still try to date? Why waste other people's time?

Serkee · Accepted Answer

Because they think dating will help them let their guard down again and be comfortable with themselves, but they don't want to give anyone the emotional tools that were used to hurt them in the first place. Nobody likes being emotionally unavailable, and nobody is like that on purpose. I'm certainly emotionally unavailable, the only people I really feel safe showing my emotions to are strangers online, who I'll never meet. Being this way hurts, I want very badly to open up to the people I care about, but I can't. I know that the moment I start to do so I'll break down immediately, and people will see me for what I really am. Small, weak, pathetic, and a burden who has to rely on other people for support. It's painful, it's frustrating, and it's emasculating. Nobody wants to be around that. So I hold it in and put on a stoic front. As unhealthy as I know that is, I also know that I just can't deal with the alternative. So if I'm too cowardly to even talk to people about it, let alone confirm all my insecurities by actually seeking out professional help that probably won't even work, and it isn't getting any better on its own any time soon, how am I supposed to fix this problem? Well, living this way is incredibly lonely. Maybe if I weren't so lonely I wouldn't hate myself so much, and I'd be able to take the hit to my ego and get help. But I'd best be careful and not show how I really feel, or else I'll get hurt again, and I'll be even worse off than I am now.

Of course I don't actually try to date, it wouldn't be fair to the other person to have to deal with me like this, but that's my thought process when I want to try dating again, and I don't think it's too far from the thought process of most emotionally unavailable guys who try to date.

Chazmatazz269 · Accepted Answer

Most people are selfish; especially in this day and age.
There are also some grand misconceptions about “emotional availability”. That graphic, for example, is WHACK! Ell oh ell!

This is something men have been dealing with for generations. If both parties are not equally satisfied with how their relationship is progressing, women are always hurtling pejoratives at the fella. If she wants more sooner, he’s afraid of commitment, a player, a dog, or “emotionally unavailable”.
If he wants more sooner, he’s needy, pushy, controlling or a “narcissist”.
They never really turn their perception on themselves to consider that the problem MIGHT actually be themselves. But that goes back to selfishness and self-centeredness. As we continue to raise more children to become demanding, entitled adults, we’re seeing more men behaving this way. The difference is that men who feel entitled to exactly what they want from a relationship exactly when they want it are still subject to all those same nasty words, and at least one new one… “incel”.
I, for one, am tickled pink that people are dating less, having less sex, marrying less and having fewer children. As a species, we need to concentrate on quality over quantity for a while. Ell oh ell!

Damaged00 · Accepted Answer

There's two sides to this. Yes there are selfish people who don't care who they hurt just so they can get over their past or fill some void. They are terrible people. Especially if they know they are not fully healed or ready.

But on the other hand some people don't even realize that they need to wait and heal before trying to date. Or they believe they are ready until they actually try but end up getting triggered. How can someone know they are truly ready until they try? That's how the world works in every way. We make mistakes but that's how we learn, by trying. You can't necessarily fault that person. That wouldn't be fair.

TheRealPepperPotts · Accepted Answer

They are being selfish (subconscious or not) and are trying to move forward without actually addressing and working through their feelings in a healthy way.

This is exactly why I am not dating right now. I still have some things to work through. It's a messy and unpleasant process, so I get why people try to just ignore and move on. But the feelings don't just go away just because we bury them. We have to allow them to be felt. I know I'll get there because I am facing it and being proactive, but it wouldn't be fair to a guy to get into a romantic relationship. I won't use a guy for my therapist, it's not right or fair.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

The motivation is purely selfish. They have a big void in their lives and they think dating will fill the void. It is an unthinking and desperate ploy to stop hurting.

coachTanthony · Answer

Our ego is like a drug we all still want to be wanted!

kylee2437 · Answer

Because those people want the sense of someone loving them without putting in necessary work for it in exchange. A lot of it comes from sense of loneliness, hating oneself and not taking responsibility for those feelings

Lionman95 · Answer

I would say because they don´t see a problem in them. The issue is that no one bothered to tell and teach them how to improve. There are a bunch of phrases floading the around that a true love takes you as you are, that nobody´s perfect or that one doesn´t have issues they are just special effects.
I see the reason that people try to comfort each other spreading them but it makes it harder for a person that isn´t good at connecting or sharing information and emotions with others see that as a reason why he or she had problems getting in a relationship.
In my experience many people seem to prefer to gossip over their friends/family members inabilities behind their back instead pointing those out to the person that has those issues so they can improve.

NathanDavis · Answer

we don't think with our hearts... and we don't reason with our urges

and some people act and react, rather than plan

also... not everyone really wants to "date" but they do want to connect... so they go and try, and also sometimes, people do want to fail

SueShe · Answer

I believe that those that are emotionally unavailable, for whatever reason this unavailability may be, are not so much interested in dating in itself but more in fornicating.

I use the term "fornicating" on purpose because what they actually want is just to have sex. The definition of "fornication" is, according to the dictionary

"sexual intercourse between people not married to each other".

That is basically what dating is. To have sexual intercourse without being married. Those people that are emotionally unavailable are not really interested in building up a long term relationship (10+ years) but are actually only preoccupied to get rid of some sexual hormones and then to move to the next victim.

At least that is how I perceive the entire dating problem nowadays.

MicahRaine · Answer

For sex or because they think that dating will "heal" them.

Basically because they're selfish and manipulative.

Relationships can be very healing, BUT one of the best things you can do to create a healthy relationship is work on yourself for your partner while they work on themselves for you.

Anonymous · Answer

While I agree a person should not go into a committed relationship if they don't want commitment.

Is it possible they simply don't want to, or are intellectually ill-equipment (as many men are compared to most women) to provide Emotional counseling services?

A lot of guy relationships are transactional and deal with reason not feeling. I understand a lot of women want to dump upon each other their emotional baggage and problems and see that as the point of life.

But this kind of commutation and the game associated really is an area women have long exceeded men in their capacity to play. A trait related to how female brains are wired and noted for thousands of years.

So while men must understand women's emotional focus, women must also understand men's relativist emotional ineptitude and avoidance.
This needs to go back to being seen as a typical male and female traits, and not an expectation of the other.

DizzyDesii · Answer

Attention whores who seek validation and occasional comfort. I dated two who basically never got over their ex breaking their heart, so they’d just use others to feel better, then they’d move on like the circus passing through town

SixFootSexy · Answer

It's called  avoidant attachment , and it starts in childhood and is reinforced through bad relationships. Some are people who don't want to feel trapped in a committed relationship. While others are more ethically avoidant and don't want to hurt their partners but it becomes harmful regardless of their dysfunctional efforts.

NoneOfYourBusiness96 · Answer

The irony of asking the people of GAG about emotional availability and then reading them trying to prove to themsleves they are not the problem but others is appalling. The people here are here for a reason. I spent a few days here and already dealt with a lot of defensiveness and covert spite and shittiness. Yeah. Clearly the right place and people to ask this question.

Dongie · Answer

I can see some advantages in approaching this area in this frame of mind. You're not likely to get broken.
Does it matter to this person if they break a heart or two as they search for the one to make them and their emotions sit up and take notice.
Isn't there some saying that fits in here nicely?

All's fair in love and war.

exitseven · Answer

We are told that we should be in a relationship and are made to feel that there is something wrong if you don't.

osmanthus · Answer

Could be that they don't have anyone else in their lives they could talk to or are possibly depressed, so, it's easier to put a band-aid on the situation and pass the time with someone. Companionship to ease loneliness, maybe.

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Because they enjoy causing heartbreak to people just looking to find someone to share their lives with. Call it what you want, psychotic, sociopathic? Personally though, I will go with spiteful, or just plain unadulterated evil!

OfMiceandMen · Answer

I think they succumb to societal pressures to be with someone and even though they aren't in the right frame of mind to date they do it anyway, just to appear... normal.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

They're not aware that they are unavailable or don't think it's a problem.

MrGSpotHer · Answer

I've just been on my own for a while don't know if it counts but I've been told that because of what I said 😂

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Never start a new relationship before the previous one is totally finished!

LiamJHayden · Answer

Undoubtedly for a variety of reasons. Some because they hope to find happiness in it. Some because they want sex. Some because they do not know how to be single despite their emotional unavailability. People can think of other reasons.

Nerdvana · Answer

Because they still need sex. But both parties are at fault.

worldscolide · Answer

Good question. I do know that some women like men who are emotionally unavailable.. Never understood that my self. I can't be wit someone who expects me to be stoic all the time.

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Some of us love our stoic (or semi stoic) men. There is every reason for strong men to date.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Selfishness. They want love but they don't want to love others.

Juxtapose · Answer

They want to have their cake and eat it too. Damned be the feelings of the other person.

DrPepper12 · Answer

Misery DOES love company but people like this need HOSTS cuz their parasites.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I'd give an emotionally unavailable person a shot. As long as they're not a crying panic attack about everything.

luvstoned4him · Answer

most men won't turn down free access to sex...

avery58 · Answer

Because they're selfish

Shy_Steve · Answer

Because it makes them look horrible to other people if they don't.

OhLongJohnsoning · Answer

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