Why do men encourage women to approach when it’s desperate and unfeminine?

Question

A common piece of advice on this website for women is to approach men yourself but why would a woman approach a man when the man could come up to her if he was really interested. It’s unfeminine and makes you seem desperate. When has anyone ever heard a story of their mothers or grandmothers going up to their husbands instead of vise versa. Any self invested woman wouldn’t be seeking out men themselves it makes you look like you have no life and takes away any mystery or intrigue.

Imagine a beautiful woman who looks reserved and mysterious but joyful and you went to get to know her so you approach then imagine a woman whose also beautiful but gets to navigate how to go up first, doesn’t get any cue, simply walks up, she loses any allure to her she’s just a pretty girl whose clearly very interested meaning the man has to put less energy into trying to appear kind or charming because she just likes him from his surface level so much so she was to chase him down and take the masculine role of approaching first.

Why do men encourage women to make themselves look easier by approaching when it only backfires on the woman?

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

We don’t think it’s desperate at all , we are all people , that have a lot of similarities, , we all shit pretty much the same. So when it comes down to being interested in someone , whether you are a guy or a girl , there is no rules about whether you can pursue someone or not. We don’t walk around with signs flashing over our heads , stating what we are into , or what our current relationship status is etc. So it’s ok for both sexes to make the first move. I have dated girls’ that I made the first move on and I dated girls’ that made the first move on me. So it can go either which way, we aren’t mind readers , so if a girl approaches me first , and shows interest in me , I don’t consider her desperate whatsoever , whether I am attracted to her or not , I consider her a confident girl that finds me interesting or attractive , something about me drew her to me , she doesn’t know my relationship status , she doesn’t know what kind of girl I am into , she knows nothing about me , but she more than likely wants to know more about me , by her approaching me first. Us guys’ do the same thing when we see a girl that catches our eye and we find her beautiful , if he has a set of balls , he will approach her and try to get to know her , he doesn’t really know shit about her , but he is more than likely interested in her and wants to know more about her , hoping she will be interested in him as well. Sadly a lot of people are shy and don’t have the courage to approach someone they are interested in and sadly that’s their own issue for being that way. Whatever it is, that is holding them back from pursuing someone they are interested in , is something they have to figure out on their own. I use to be shy when I was younger , but I realized why am I shy? What is stopping me from approaching that beautiful girl that caught my eye? I was my own worst enemy by not accepting myself for who I was. So somehow someway , I got over that shy stage and said fuck it , I am going for it , it’s either I go for it and take the chance , or not take a chance at all and missing the opportunity of posssibly getting to know her. If she denies me? Oh well , at least I tried but at least now I have an answer , instead of going home and kicking myself in the ass for not trying whatsoever. So I don’t mind at all of a girl approaches me first , she is allowed to pursue something she is interested in.

Summeroflove · Accepted Answer

Because if you’re into someone you should make a effort to that person if you refuse to approach someone you’re the one limiting your options because if the only men approaching aren’t even the men you want, yet the men you want are picking other girls. You’re in trouble

If a woman I was genuinely attracted to approached me yes I would go out with her I don’t understand what this whole desperate thing is, if someone’s desperate that means they’re willing to pick anyone regardless of whether she genuinely likes you. Being desperate isn’t showing interest and someone who I show interest to and she doesn’t show it back there’s plenty of women who will.

I don’t understand at all “making yourself look easier” if you’re not sleeping around with tons of men or something.

If a dude has a lot of options then you know there are women throwing themselves at them. You are probably single and frustrated you can’t find someone. That’s even worse…

ShellyB · Accepted Answer

I think there are a few reasons you see that advice here. One reason is because some people saying it may not realize it’s a bad idea maybe because they are v young or have not had experience with this at least from the female side.

Another is that some guys may feel like approaching girls is work and they would rather we approached them to make it easier or share the chance of being shot down.

And I think some say it just to bug us tbh.

I will say from observing other people in real life it rarely leads to a relationship, I have seen it lead to a one night stand but that is all. And I have known girls who were mocked and lost popularity because they tried twice. My opinion is if you try once, you will get teased about it, if you try twice you will be seen as desperate at least by those who are aware you tried twice.

This all sounds v “mean girls” but it is not up to me it is just how it is, at least as far as I have seen, it might be different in different social situations or in the past or the future but I doubt it.

Anyway JMO!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I believe the reason we don’t hear about this much with older folks is because their generation had a much different society and gender norms/roles that we don’t see much of anymore.

Men were in the role of the provider, they had more to offer and as women we were the nurturing homemakers who couldn’t get jobs. Even once we could work those roles paid in peanuts, making it nearly impossible to both live on our own and take care of our kids without support. Now our roles have evolved, and so have mens expectations of us. A man will quickly remind you of double standards and women doing equal work.

With that in mind, what would make a woman approaching a man unfeminine or desperate when most men these days will expect us to play an equal role? Whether that’s going half on or fully paying for dates, splitting rent, paying bills, driving, etc etc. We’re no longer perceived as the damsels in distress.

V_Injector · Answer

Men have been told not to approach because that's creepy. Now women hate it because we listened.

I'm fucking old and don't give a fuck about you retards. You've got these problems because you created them.

Not you, but women in general have been allowed to create this problem. Most these dudes don't want to have a run in with mattress girl or the one that posts and roasts you online at the gym just for looking as you stripped down and shooke your goods to promote your onlyfans account.

I think this question should be "re-imagined" and sort of ask why women have made your men like this. I'm not trying to blast a gender here, but god damn, you're pointing out a gender problem your gender generated for internet clout.

So bring back those guys is what you want now? Then what... more of what happened before? Put them on blast some more which I don't think any guy ever wanted ever. You realize guys are humans too right and they also seek pleasure and avoid pain. Basic human behavior.

Fuck you all... can approach me or stay the fuck out of my space... that's my take. It's not my fault that approaching you has been made into a trap for internet clout that burns me in the process. None of these other dude's fault neither. This is what your gender says they want as a whole... so step up your approach game or go buy cats and some boxed wine.

ohsheeT · Answer

. Well I don't know about that.

I don't think it makes women look like that at all..
. And most women on here are anonymous anyway so why would we approach somebody that's anonymous when we really don't even know who they are.

I come on here and I answer very quickly 10 15 20 questions and then I go back to whatever I was doing.

When I'm working I'm busy doing what I'm doing and sometimes I just face off the world around me and I've always felt it was nice when a girl approached me and said hey I like you or whatever because then it brings me back to reality it brings me back down to things around me and I can start a communication with this person I don't think it makes a woman look bad at all I actually kind of like it

ManOnFire · Answer

You're worried about that? Men are the ones who are viewed as desperate for approaching. And by women themselves. Or thought of as being weird or trying hard to get sex. That's why a lot of guys don't really try to talk to women anymore.

So which one do you want? Don't approach men because it's desperate and unfeminine? Or sit back and wait for men to approach but then think they're being desperate or persistent for doing it?

D_D_D · Answer

Imagine a situation.. you're sitting in a bar or whatever place you hang with others, and then the guy of your dreams is checking you out and after all the years you couldn't find the right guy for you, you finally got a chance with your soulmate but you still don't know that he's your perfect match so you check him out waiting for him to approach you and you both wanna get together but you remain so called "feminine" and leave him the masculine roll but he's too nervous to approach you so after a while of debating with himself he doesn't have enough confidence and thinks you'll reject and embarrasse him cuz he might think he's not in your league or whatever so he just leaves without approaching you.

You guys never met and never dated and never got married or had kids and you just moved on with your lives however they might turn out.. but you both are not aware that you had a once in a lifetime chance of meeting the perfect half but he got cold feet and you were busy being feminine so you both lost the love of your lives. I know it's a bit extreme but eventually we're all here in this world Men and Women looking for a significant other just the same as the other gender (assuming you're looking for it) anyway.. just like we all gotta work and make money to get by in our lives we also have the responsibility to do what needs to be done in order to find ourselves love (again, assuming that's what you're looking for). So my point is.. if you want something go get it don't count on others to provide you with it cuz they're humans and they can have insecurities and confidence issues and get cold feet too just like everybody else, and it'd be a shame if you missed out on the potential love of your life just for a silliy social convention.. also guys are way more likely to fear rejection since girls get hit on all the time and they're used to shutting guys down and in a lot of cases Not in the nicest way so yeah don't wait around too much just go for it.. in my opinion I think it makes the girl seem a lot more confident and knows what she wants and not afraid to go get it:)

good luck ^_^

buzzword · Answer

Well I know my Dad approached my Mom first when they lived in the same apartment building. At the time my mom wouldn't give him the time of day... She thought he partied too much because he was always drinking beers and BBQing outside at the apartment building. He definitely approached her first, but because he was often partying with his military brothers she was put off by the wild lifestyle. It wasn't until he moved to a house with some friends away from her that she got interested in him years later. Then yes, she chased him down. They ended up married. They had three boys. They ran a successful business together. They spent pretty much every day happily together until my father died. They never fought. It worked out great for them... She was no slouch either. She grew up playing volley ball and did chearleading so she was very fit and what you'd consider a hot girl. She was in beauty pageants and all that shit, but for the most part she was relatively shy and a woman of good morals. What it took for her to land a good guy is to stop acting so high and mighty and start putting effort into forming relationships. So that's where I come from when I say women should approach men. You want it? Go and get it. If you think you're some special treasure and not willing to put in the work, then you'll never get what you want.

RingOfFire · Answer

Have no idea. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't like when women approach me. It's a turnoff. Makes me think there is something wrong with them. That's a man's job.

For questions like this always look to NATURE to give you the correct orientation.

Millions of years of evolution don't lie. And it has created physiological, psychological and role differences between men and women. That reality cannot be wished or fantasized away.

Nature designed men to be hunters, protectors and providers. Their hunting instinct makes them the natural initiator of relationships. It manifests in a number of ways including the fact that men are designed to love the hunt. THEY want to be the aggressors, the competitors, the initiators. That is the natural role nature designed them for.

If you deviate from that, you are going against natural design. Doesn't mean there can't be exceptions, nature always makes allowances for exceptions, but one way or another nature always wins over fads and fantasies.

In recent decades, there has been a movement of nature deniers... men can be women and women can be men. This is a speck in time where society derailed and thinks that somehow people are above nature. And it has created confusion that leads to questions like this one, especially in those of younger generations who had their heads filled with mush in the schools who are teaching this nature denying fantasy.

So you are right. Men are the initiators in relationships and it has been so for millions of years. Nature always has a reason even if we don't understand it. But I'll put my money on millions of years of evolution over whatever the popular fad du jour is any day.

patrick994 · Answer

It is absolutely not true that a woman is less feminine if she approaches someone, nor is she desperate. Women who pursue are proactive and self-assured, knowing their worth and not conforming to the stereotypes imposed by a sexist and patriarchal society.

In courtship, there are no roles; if you like someone, go ahead and declare it. It’s too easy to demand gender equality when it suits you. I have the impression that women like you are just insecure and don’t know how to handle rejection.

Femininity and masculinity are merely social constructs. Your reasoning of attributing femininity to a certain way of behaving is entirely sexist and senseless.

thatshydork · Answer

I wouldn’t say it’s desperate or unfeminine. Besides, the whole idea of femininity depends on the traditional views of the culture you come from and, in the United States at least, it used to be very common for a woman to use what is commonly referred to as the handkerchief method. One could argue that such a method as the handkerchief method was a way that women approached men or got men to approach them back in the day.

If you don’t think that women should be the one to approach men, then don’t approach men. Just don’t put others down if they do. How others go about their dating lives is their business, not yours.

Pegases · Answer

I think women are going to have to. There's an interesting shift in society where many men aren't willing to risk being called creepy or disrespected unless they see very obvious signs that a woman is interested. This isn't anyone fault per say, but society created this dynamic that likely isn't going away as long as we have men that are far too upfront/obnoxious, and feminists that demonize men for existing. That being said, you're less likely to be rejected because of this dynamic, so it's in your best interest to do so.

Levin · Answer

Unfortunately dating dynamics are a lot more complicated than they once were. As the fellow below says, these days you can often be labelled a creep for approaching. Also, a lot of women are hardly feminine. Traditional gender roles have been distorted.

Men approaching first is fine but women have to be at least approachable. ie give some reasonable signals, smile, glance, show interest.

But really, no one needs to play these stupid games. The right person is down to earth and puts in some reasonable effort.

NamerOfStars · Answer

Because men aren't women, and don't share female stupidity (we have our OWN varieties, thank you very much). It doesn't make you look lifeless, it makes you look interested. If we wanted mystery or intrigue, we'd date Raymond Chandler.

Look, I get it; you've realized that women have the easier and less socially dangerous role, and you don't want to lose it- but an increasing number of men have realized that, too, and aren't willing to play against a stacked deck any more. Feel free to return the favor- but understand that you're knocking out a lot of options if you do.

RiseofArtemis · Answer

Its not unfeminine, women in the past did something like that where they made a signal that was known in their culture, aka dropping the hankercheif or repeatedly making eye contact.

And most men today don't give an F if a woman approaches them, we would be flattered and it just depends how you do it. Most of us men are just completely done with it, if you want a man you need to get him yourself, guys won't put up with the stuff anymore to ask women out, the risk is too high and the reward too low.

Forget about asking a man out at your work place. That's a clear no since if anything goes south they lose their job.

tzdc21 · Answer

It's desperate when women approach, but not desperate when guys approach? And that's not unfeminine or bad at all to walk up to a guy and say, "I like you and I wanna date you" What's so bad about giving a guy that incredibly rare and pleasant experience? And it does not only backfire on the woman, inf act more than likely you're gonna be successful, and if you're not, the guy is more than likely gonna still respect you for doing something other women weren't willing to do. And as far as why men don't approach much anymore, you have the metoo movement to thank for that. Making it very dangerous for a man to even come into the vicinity of a woman, because one false allegation, even when he's not doing anything wrong, could lead to prison and a massive dent in your reputation.

Telekinetic-Potato · Answer

I mean if you see it like that then yea, you're probably looking for a guy who is more at your level.

But most men are mature past seeing a woman go after what they want as desperate or unfeminine.

That's a very bad outlook to have

mstbooblover · Answer

Come on, why would woman approaching a guy be desperate and unfeminine? Worst case scenario as I see it is a girl trying to get desperately the attention of an unaware somewhat dumb guy... On the other hand some guys are somewhat shy, as I was honestly, and believe me, when a woman then takes the initiative, she's more than welcome !

SugarSugarplum · Answer

Because of the growing trend where girls ridicule guys if they aren't Greek Gods rolling $1000 bills at them. Or winking across the room at them only to say "piss off" if they try to come talk.

If women want to be treated like men, we have to act like them now.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

You are talking from a  traditional, conservative standpoint  and asking progressive standpoints to explain you how progressive works. I don't think this is going to be productive, unless  you want to give away some of your traditional standpoint?

Juxtapose · Answer

I want a woman who is intelligent enough to go after what she wants without caring about societal bullshit. Expecting me to do certain things just because I am a man is such a turn-off!

And yeah, some of the best love stories I have heard were from the woman approaching first.

LiamJHayden · Answer

1. #MeToo has made a lot of men reticent to approach, lest they get accused of harassment, being creepy, and get blasted online for simply saying "Hello."

2. Some guys are not afraid, but are unaware or oblivious to the lady's interest.

3. Some guys are just really shy.

Anonymous · Answer

I wouldn't give that advice to women generally. For high-value women (i. e., hot girls) the should definitely NOT approach. Their problem isn't about finding guys who are interested in them (they ALL are) but about sorting through them to see who is the best fit. Asking out a dude doesn't solve the problem of the hot girl.

On the OTHER hand, for a less hot girl, it MAY make sense to approach a guy. I'd only advise that approach to a girl who isn't getting asked out on dates at least a few times a month. If you're not getting asked, you need to either put yourself in places where you WILL get asked, or you need to go ahead and ask yourself. And here I'd advise targeting a class of dude other than "Chad Thundercock" to ask out if what you're looking for is more long term. If you are looking for a shag though, Mr. Thundercock will do.

MisterWack · Answer

“ it’s desperate and unfeminine”

Why is there so much sexism against women? Approaching is fine and flirting is fine, being interested in a person isn’t effeminate or negative or weak or whatever you call it regardless of gender.

Shoot your shot, be proud that you did!

Apple1996 · Answer

It's not desperate at all, its being confident and going after what you want. I approached my husband first and it worked out fine. Most men aren't gonna be weirded out by a woman approaching even if they aren't interested they'd probably be flattered to have a woman approach them.

natured · Answer

It's usually adviced by young boys that are scared of rejection, some people react to rejection very bad, so what do they do? They let us pick... as if we don't care about rejection...
I agree with you, and honestly I never found myself making that first step, because a real MAN MAN, can immediately spot it if you are interested in him, just through looks and he will approach you..
SO BE YOU, don't follow advices that do not align with your soul.

HighValue · Answer

Just always wait for men to approach and enjoy getting cheated on and ran through. The ones that use women and leave them almost always approach first, so don't complain if you get used.

If you want traditional that badly, and expect him to always pay too, you need to be a virgin waiting until marriage, with no tattoos, and have to do what he says and get no opinions of your own.

WhitneySnow · Answer

I’m not sure I agree with that. I like when the guy approaches because I’m shy by nature, but a lot of times the guy is shy too (especially if he really likes you and doesn’t just want to hook up with you) and if you want anything to happen you have to make the first move.

Radiate143 · Answer

Yes, because men have become so feminine. They don't want to take any risks. They want no responsibility and definitely no accountability. Yet, they feel entitled to the best a woman has to offer, on their terms.

Men don't respect t women who approach them period. I don't care if they get married in the end. He doesn't respect that woman.

I don't care what these guys on here say. They know it's true.

idonotlikeyou · Answer

No one put a gun to your head and said, "Go talk to that guy." If you don't want to, don't do it. Stand by the wall and watch as other women go after what they want.

ICanSmellTheCosmos · Answer

Oh, boo. You're a big girl, not some helpless, infantilized damsel. Grow a pair of ovaries and act if you want something. If you can't do that, then you're a coward, and many aspects of life will pass you by.

You sound like you're full of yourself and think that you deserve to be catered to by men.

LadyKitty · Answer

Well perhaps its because we live in a modern society. There is nothing unfeminine or desperate about approaching a guy that you are interested in. I personally approached my partner and here we are 9 years later! It didn't backfire on me.

KpopMusicFan · Answer

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the woman approaching a man I’ve done it with past boyfriends and ended updating them and they actually liked it that I made the first move.

Anonymous · Answer

For the same reason anonymous pink trolls try to convince women that they're desperate for approaching men. When the reality the anonymous pink troll just doesn't think men are worth any effort, and is shocked to find no man wants to date her.😆

Sorry hun, you have to risk something to get something worthwhile. Nobody says a woman has to approach men. But when a man isn't getting the hint it's the quickest and most ADULT way to get results. And there's nothing desperate about that.

Staximus · Answer

It's not 1897 anymore, nobody thinks a woman approaching a man is desperate or unladylike units she's all over him like a cheap suit. I don't have time for chicken shits, ice queens, or mind games and mysterious bullshit. If a woman is attracted to me, she better make it obvious or else I'm fucking off into the sunset to find one who is a clear and effective communicator.🤡👉 🌅

Anonymous · Answer

You're obviously anti feminist. You can't moan about not being treated fairly and not expect to have to put some effort in you realy can't have it both ways. Presides there's nothing better than a woman that knows what she wants and works to achieve that goal it's not unfemanine or demining at all have some pride go get the guy you want.

Fireguy17 · Answer

because they are interested in meeting them.
for the same reasons guys approach women.
A woman that approaches a man is self-assured, confident, knows what she wants and is not afraid to get what she wants.
My kind of women.

WindAtMyBack · Answer

It's not desperate. Nor is it unfeminine. That's just the excuse many women keep telling themselves because they are too chicken to make the first move.

Pohjolan · Answer

You are projecting. You may be too young to remember this from the pre-Covid era but its fine to do basic socialising. It doesn't make you desperate.

We get approached by women who are not interested in us as well.

Its not any more making a move nor expressing sexual or romantic interest than asking someone to pass you the salt.

There's no longer a obligation to do social distancing nor was it a feminine role.

Shy_Steve · Answer

That's true, But it's the same for Men.

An Average Girl and an Average Guy asks out everyone they find Attractive, Which do you think will get Rejected the most?

We say Women simply because they are less likely to get Rejected than us Guys.

Berethor · Answer

Because many men don't like to do it themselves and it shows that the woman is interested, a man is usually be interested anyway, problem that most women who do that are hos.

Truthatanycost · Answer

I've always advised against this... but having said that I no longer approach anymore, and it seems a lot of other guys have stopped doing so too.

Ms_Facesitter · Answer

It is not desperate. Why is going after what you want desperate? You are still considered a woman after asking someone out. You are not easier for doing so. It does not backfire. Just pick the right man.

anon1903 · Answer

Is it? I mean, it's only desperate if the man in question has already turned you down, vocally or otherwise, but you still keep on persisting, wanting to wear them down. That's  loser behaviour

ProbablyClueless · Answer

Because we're tired of putting shit loads of work into women who flip-flop constantly, treat us like garbage, and waste our time.

Kelley1 · Answer

Because in modern society, it is not safe for men to approach. Women who will not approach should do without.

Quidthonian · Answer

Feminism ruined that old-school approach.
I am what you women call "friendzone material", so I don't bother. If you are interested in a middle-aged, over-weight, geek then be my guest. My DM is always open.

BarryLiverstone · Answer

Because not everyone is the same. If she likes a guy then go talk to him. Just because she breaks the ice doesn’t have to define an entire relationship.

DermalPunch · Answer

Preach! You're 100% correct. It's always a bad idea for women to approach. It's never ever a good deal.

John_Cobretti · Answer

It just makes things easier for us  Plus , if he doesn't make a move are you gonna just keep waiting and then let go?

gag6474 · Answer

its not unfeminine at all. its how my parents got married in first place

Aiko_E_Lara · Answer

That's because a lot of us don't think it's desperate and also, a lot of women would just use "it's unfeminine and desperate" as an excuse when they get to experience how hard approaching is

normalice · Answer

Because for the most part men don't actually know how to approach women.

DextroShade · Answer

Because in today's age of poundmetoo feminism, men can suffer severe consequences for approaching women in many places. Women made it this way, so now they will have to approach if they want a guy.

genericname85 · Answer

because men are sick and tired of approaching women with overinflated egos who think they're a 10, when they're a 4.

Anonymous · Answer

Because inside the last decade you and your liberal friends voted to make men approaching women illegal so we encouraged you breaking the divide you collectively caused and you won't so humanity is on its way out which is at least a good thing

beefcakebradybatson · Answer

Is this 1924 or 1974 ? OF COURSE sometimes a woman should approach a man who interests her, especially if said chap is really shy as I often am around the ladies.

hotrodk9 · Answer

At one time,20,30,40 years ago I would agree, but times have changed. Men no longer have any idea if a woman might be interested and then 9 times out of 10 she says get lost so we don't even consider approaching.

Anonymous · Answer

Because it comes down to equality. It’s 2024 that’s why men are saying that.

Anonymous · Answer

I never do approach but I can let a man know when I'm interested and want to be approached.

jahaims · Answer

It's neither desperate or masculine. You are just immature.

Raaj4you · Answer

Bcoz modern girls/ women said they are equal to men in everything.

elaphe · Answer

How is talking to someone "desperate?"

Why do men encourage women to approach when it’s desperate and unfeminine?

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Why do men encourage women to approach when it’s desperate and unfeminine?

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