Would a medical condition be a red flag that would stop you from dating a person?

[OlderAndWiser]

A co-worker and friend, named James, was divorced a few years ago. He has used online dating and has met several women through dating sites. One of them - Judy, 59 - is a very attractive woman, fit, cute face, intelligent, and apparently a "good catch." They dated three or four months and had a very active and satisfying relationship which included sex. James had not promised any long term commitment to Judy, but he was not dating anyone else, and Judy knew that.

After several months, Judy told James that she was in stage 3 kidney failure and would probably need to begin renal dialysis within a few years. This news was devastating to James.

Dialysis usually must be performed three times per week. The day of dialysis requires bed rest afterwards. Three days of the week, a patient is a prisoner of their dialysis center. If they want to travel away from home, they must locate a dialysis center near their destination so that they can continue their dialysis. Life becomes very un-fun when a partner is on dialysis and Judy would have become totally dependent on James.

James decided that he was not willing to become Judy's caretaker in the near future and they parted on friendly terms. In later discussions, I think James had fallen in love with Judy though he had never admitted that to her. I think she also loved him.

Under these circumstances, would you have continued to date Judy (or, girls, would you have continued to date a guy who was in the same position as Judy) or would you have done what James did? Should Judy have disclosed this condition much sooner?

Updates

1 y

UPDATE #1: James told her that he liked her but did not see her as a future wife. He was willing to continue dating her and having sex, but she should feel free to date other guys. James and Judy continued dating but not as intensely and she did date other guys. She eventually got engaged to someone else, and he put a tracking device on her car and caught her spending the night with James. Despite that knowledge, he married her, and she stopped dating James.

Updates

1 y

UPDATE #2: One day, she invited James and me to have lunch with her at a nice restaurant. Her husband had an investigator following her. When the husband got the report on the lunch meeting, he started divorce proceedings, and they are no longer married. James found someone else he is dating exclusively and he has not seen Judy since the lunch meeting. Judy is living alone in an apartment.

[Finchie40]

If I loved them and cared about them I would stay by them as much as possible and pray for their recovery. If they loved me , i would leave it up to them to make that decision on whether they wanted me to stay or go , but I would also focus on my life and responsibilities as well. I dated a girl that I really liked and her and I hit it off like crazy , the connection we shared was amazing , we spent so much time together and enjoyed every second of it together we were dating and having tons of sex for about 6 months. Until she ended up in the hospital , she called me up and told me she was in the hospital because she fainted , so I immediately went to be by her side , they were doing tests on her and found out she had a brain tumor , she was in the hospital for a few weeks and I was by her side as much as possible until they determined there was nothing they could do and sadly informed her she won’t have much more time to live , she told me to move on with my life and said she was blessed that she has met me. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere that I will continue to stay by her side , but she told me not to and said she didn’t want me to , that she doesn’t want to make me feel obligated to stand by her side , so she demanded me not to stay and told me to leave. said she will call me instead. After I left the hospital , I got a phone call from her sister A few hours later. saying she passed away. I went to her funeral and I was devastated. So if you truly love someone you make them your priority no matter what until they tell you otherwise. People that just leave are selfish people that only care about themselves. Your friend is a selfish person by not staying by her side , because all he was thinking about was who is was going to stick his dick into next. He should of stayed with her until she told him otherwise.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

It is a red flag to hide it, more than having it.

Any life threatening or affecting quality of life condition should be disclosed during early dating so the other person can decide if this something they can deal with.

For example, I know a woman that has extreme skin sensitivity to sunlight, so she always wears covering clothing and beach activities and outdoors are usually a big no no for her. She always has some burn on her face or hands so she can't really hide it, but she's upfront about her condition and the limitations it brings.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think he made the right decision, as hard as that was. She should have been upfront about that because it was within her power to do so.

It's one thing if someone is healthy and then later develops a health problem, as most people will. It's quite another to hide a serious health condition and then spring it on someone. I have an autoimmune disease, and I would explain that fairly soon in the relationship. It's managed, but it does have the potential to be very difficult to manage, particularly if I were to carry another child and couldn't take certain meds. A man would have to decide if he is willing to take the risk that I might be bedridden for a period of time and unable to have sex. I would respect it if he wasn't up for that.

What she did was honestly selfish. I know she wants love and had likely experienced guys dumping her as soon as they found out. But for her own sake, she should have been up front. What if she hadn't told him, they had gotten married and then he can't take it?

The reality is that most people will end up with some kind of health problem, many of them serious. We have to weigh if that person is worth everything to us if that happens. We also have to consider that we might be the vulnerable one in need of care at some point, too.

[OlderAndWiser]

MHO candidate!

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@OlderAndWiser Awww, thanks! :D

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@OlderAndWiser Per your update: I'd say your friend James dodged a bullet. I think it was wrong of him to sleep with her when she was engaged to someone else, if he knew. But what kind of woman sleeps with another man while engaged?

The guy she married is disturbing, too. Sounds like a control freak. What she did wasn't right, but he had the option to break the engagement and chose to move forward anyway. And a private investigator? Sheesh...

What a messed up situation.

[OlderAndWiser]

I agree with your assessment but James is fairly self-centered. The guy she married is a retired state trooper.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

Nope, I am really into this man, If I heard he had some kind of medical condition and needed me, I’d stick by his side and love taking care of him… Because I rarely ever catch feelings for someone and I have feelings for him and I’d think it’s worth fighting for his life and make his life a bit more beautiful, happy and easy.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I’d genuinely want him to feel loved and cared for and know that, I am there for him and I am not going anywhere.

[AviatorTom]

No, after my divorce I dated a woman who had breast cancer and had one of her breasts removed. She was still going through therapy. We did break up after 6 months, but for other reasons, partly because it was LDR.

[Avicenna]

It depends on the totality of the circumstances, TBH, but if it means becoming a caregiver to someone I just met within the past few months, I doubt I'd be in a position to do that.

[Surely]

After taking care of my mother. When she had a stroke and was found with breast cancer. I having a full time job and being unmarried. Her care fell on my shoulders. With little time for myself. No one can imagine what is involved in caregiving for a loved one. Until they do so.
The woman was probably enjoying the love that was given to her. Before she broke the news. I would hope that I would not be put in that situation. But if I were. I would probably stay around and provide support to her.

[WindAtMyBack]

It's a hypothetical situation that I can't honestly know what I would do. I would PROBABLY stay with her.

Three months is a bit long to wait to tell him, but she did tell him before they got TOO serious. I think she was trying to be fair, if a bit reluctant.

I don't think I could dump her without feeling very guilty. I think even if I did break off the relationship, I would remain friends.

There are multiple deal breakers for me, but I don't think that is one of them.

[SvenTree]

To answer your first question: It depends on the medical condition; I wouldn't mind dating someone who has a prosthetic arm or leg, who uses cochlear implant (provided she can comunicate verbally) or who is blind. However, I don't think I would date someone who has intelectual disability, schizophrenia, is deaf (who can only comunicate vía sign language), or has a terminal and rapidly degenerative condition.

Regarding your second question: It's hard to tell what I would do in that situación, but I think I would do the same as James did. It's hard for me to imagine becoming someone else's caretaker in the not so distant future at this point in my life and then walking into it.

[VIVANT]

I still don’t understand why he would have to be her caretaker. She’s already getting dialysis so she must’ve worked out a system for it living on her own and I don’t see why that wouldn’t continue.

[VIVANT]

I’m just curious about this part because it seems to be a leap or maybe the idea that as time progresses you would need more help but still there are people whose job it is to help people getting dialysis… millions of people get dialysis 🤷🏻‍♀️

[SvenTree]

@VIVANT
I didn't make the statement that "James would have to become the caretaker"; The person who posted the question did. Also, I don't know the specifics of the heath care system in the place where they live. However, despite the fact that there are people who's job is to help people get dialysis, people with this kind of medical condition frequently need someone to accompany them, drive them to-and from the care center, accompany them to appointment with doctors (Example: nephrologist, ophthalmologist, neurologist, etc.); and depending on the severity of the condition, they might need help with other every-day activities.

[SvenTree]

@VIVANT
Also, No. According the post. Judy is not already getting dialysis. The post says that the prognosis is that it's likely she will need to get dialysis in a couple of years.

[VIVANT]

An thanks! I missed that 👍

[VIVANT]

I wouldn’t leave someone bc they needed dialysis. I don’t expect every day in life to be “fun” I had to spend most of my childhood imprisoned, I don’t really have a day off for the time being but I’m happy bc I’m free… so four days a week is a bargain. Fun to me, is the bonus part of life not the core. Anyhow if I love someone you can’t really replicate that.

Just curious, she already on dialysis now, why would he expect her to become dependent later? Who does she depend on now?

I don’t think he should’ve stayed bc he’d develop resentment and they would be terrible for everyone. I also think everyone has something to offer and everyone will suffer some condition sooner if later and I don’t personally see it as a deal breaker.

Hope they both find love 💚

[DrPepper12]

Taking on a long-term care assignment for unhealthy people is not to be entered into a lightly.

I've said before that I'm a big fan of self-preservation and this would be a good example. I'm a no.

[OlderAndWiser]

I agree with your assessment but James is fairly self-centered.

[OlderAndWiser]

Responded to the wrong user!

[exitseven]

One of my friends was on dialysis and it is a bad beat. He later got a kidney transpla t and lived a pretty normal life for the next 20 years.
I would I quite about the feasibility of a transplant before making a decision

[worldscolide]

It depends on if I love the person.. You know I'm married. If I found out my wife had something like that, there is no way in hell id leave. For better or worse means something to me.

[Unit1]

WHO THE FUCK does NOT have a medical condition?

[Twalli]

If we had been dating for long enough, probably. It would have to be for over 2 years though. If we're at the point when marriage is likely, I wouldn't mind, because I already want to be with them for the remainder of our lives.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

A medical condition of someone would not stop me from dating them.

[Anonymous]

Well I don't know if this condition is fatal but, if it’s not, then yeah. That woman would have needed someone who loves her to stay and care for her in her hardest times, I don’t think James loved her. 3-4 months he probably loved the sex and excitement.

[Anonymous]

Medical condition that requires me to become my partner's caretaker is complete dealbreaker for me. Like hire someone lol I want to live my life.

Also I'm married already but if I was dating I'd like this kind of information disclosed as soon as possible. I'd get mad if I got news like that after we started dating.

[LiamJHayden]

A few months of dating is not a promise to take care of someone till death. I would remain her friend but not her partner.

[Paris13]

Remain Friends. At least. xxoo

[NathanDavis]

if I loved her... she can have both of my kidneys as well

[DextroShade]

If she has an expiration date when I meet her that's a deal-breaker. Also, any cluster B personality disorder is a deal-breaker.

[chocolatetwopointo]

i dont wanna be a nurse thanks

[Agape93]

Depends

[paledreams]

Most likely

[DtMe89]

Depends

[Dongie]

She should have, but if I found love I'd stick.

[beefcakebradybatson]

STDs !!!

[In_Trance]

It absolutely would