Would you date someone with a chronic illness?

[yikeserino]

Does the type of illness matter? What about a chronic mental illness? I'm concerned for my own dating outlook, personally. I feel it's only fair to disclose before things get serious, even if it isn't contagious whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I would and have. My ex-wife has a fairly serious lifelong chronic illness that she needs treatment for. However, to be more specific and honest, I suppose it would depend on what it was exactly. If it was likely going to cut her life *much* shorter or was terminal, etc., I'm not sure I would want to get involved to be honest at this point in my life (I have children and I want/need a stable relationship). As far as mental illness, I'm an extremely rational and logical person and I don't know if I would be able to deal with many mental illnesses. Again with children, I need and want a stable relationship for their sake.

On the flip side, my ex-wife was specifically looking for someone who had no major diseases or even was a genetic carrier of any kind of major inheritable disease even though she herself was. At one point she had me get gene sequenced to check to see if I was a carrier for certain diseases. It was then I found out I had a pretty clean genetic profile. It appeased her, but I found it a little bit hypocritical on her part. I brought it up with her and she simply agreed with that statement. I feel like she wanted a genetically engineered man with a perfect genome. And by the way, it was her that initiated the divorce, not me.

[yikeserino]

I appreciate this. I don't agree with her looking for someone who is genetically clean. Although, I do sympathize. It would be somewhat appealing to know that I'm not putting my kids at more risk by being with someone without the gene. I know there would still be a risk because mine is somewhat genetic, but it would be nice not to increase my childrens chance of acquiring it.

[Opinion Owner]

That was exactly what it was! She absolutely did not want to increase our children's risk of having any kind of inheritable disease. She went out of her way to marry someone ethnically different from her as well to decrease the chances even more.

[yikeserino]

I don't know that I would go as far as seeking a man without the gene, but I would want to look into our kid's odds after deciding to conceive. I would want to be prepared I suppose. Even though I can still give my newborn a mild form of it for a short period of time, I would ultimately feel guilty for giving it to someone long term. Either way, this is an interesting perspective

[Opinion Owner]

Totally agree. I do understand where she was coming from. She wanted to give her kids the best chance at being disease free and I can appreciate that. Isn't that kind of natural? Humans in general try to size up and choose the most suitable and best mate possible, natural selection right? It's just now we have the technology to look more than just skin deep. On the flip side, I know my children are probably carriers now.

[yikeserino]

I suppose it is pretty natural, but I find it to be on a level of I want my kids to be set up well in life. Knowing that my kids will be carriers is honestly a reason why I would consider fostering or adopting instead. Although there is always something nice about knowing you carried your child as a mother I suppose, lol.

[Opinion Owner]

Yup, my ex is very happy knowing she carried them and gave birth to them. It's also amazing how much of yourself you see in your own kids. Even as infants and as toddlers, they exhibited traits and quirks of mine that they simply could not have learned. They had to have been innate.

[yikeserino]

That is absolutely adorable! What caused your wife to initiate the divorce if I may be nosy?

[Opinion Owner]

I guess it boiled down to me holding back my emotions. I did that on purpose to an extent after the kids were born. I wanted to create a really stable environment for them. But that's kind of what she lives for in a relationship. She wants that emotional roller coaster of a ride, the crazy ups and the crazy downs. So she eventually became disillusioned and resentful in ways. Since we didn't fight or get in arguments, she says that she didn't even become fully aware until it was too late to fix things. By that point she said she realized she just wanted to be done with it.

[yikeserino]

That's really rough, but it also sounds like she may have been emotionally immature. Without knowing the whole situation, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing though (also without knowing your opinion lol).

[Opinion Owner]

She's emotionally different than me. She thinks that I will easily be able to find a much more compatible person that I would potentially be happier with. Her emotional roller coaster thing seems unstable and a little crazy to me especially after being married for many years. I like to become comfortable in a relationship and not be on edge all the time. But that seems dull to her and fills her with despair. If she had told me, I would definitely have tried to work on things with her, open up more. She says that probably wouldn't have helped, we're just too different emotionally.

[yikeserino]

Thank you for taking the time to let me get to know you. I appreciate your replies

[prasanp]

yes I would until its not something extreme mental conditions like they use violence. I don't think I can't deal with a girl with a anger management issues. Some mental condition like depressing or ADHD or other's , I think they are fine.
about physical illness, it all depend on what types of illness it is; Its matter I don't want to date with someone with HIV. I am looking for long term relationship when we date so I am fine with many illness but some illness is not something I want to deal with.

[Anonymous]

I'll find out if I'm datable in the future I guess. I struggle too. I was married for quite awhile which my ex's alcoholism put quite a strain on me. I, also, got slammed with some health issues that made it a bit worse.

I think what is important is are we practicing good self care and being the healthiest we can be. People are more apt to see us as a viable partner if we are on top of our illness whether it be taking meds, doing natural things, eating right, keeping our stressors down and doing therapy.

And we are more than our illness. We can be creative, kind, caring people and many people with anxiety disorders and depression are some of the most sensitive people which isn't all bad.

It takes a partner to understand that brain disorders as I call them aren't any different that diabetes just that scientists and doctors don't really know how to treat them. Most of the time it is just trial and error. We are still in the infancy of treatment when it comes to brain disorders and ones like bipolar are now thought be be protein based liked MS.

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it should be disclosed at some point in the dating process so the other person can make a choice. I would have a hard time dating someone who used to have a drinking problem but has been in recovery. That might not be fair but part of me just feels I can't take the risk loving someone who might slip up in the future. That sounds pretty hypocritical on my part I'm sure.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok I read the post completely wrong. That is what I get for having insomnia. I was answering if it was a psychiatric illness but in my case besides my digestive problems I've had for a long time the anxiety and depression would be my chronic illness.

[Anonymous]

It would depend on how chronic. And how independent he was. As long as he didn't view me a potential carer, id consider dating him. But I can't really say yes for definite until I know more about his illness and how it would affect our lives together.

[OlderAndWiser]

What is the chronic illness which you must confront?

[coachTanthony]

They never tell us do they? LOL

[OlderAndWiser]

@coachTanthony It may be something that is too embarrassing to reveal, but the disease varies greatly. For some people, psoriasis causes them to have problems dating while, for others, it is something life threatening. The advice depends on the seriousness of the ailment.

[coachTanthony]

Yeah for sure! Hard to give generalized advice without knowing!

[yikeserino]

It's not necessarily embarrassing. I have SLE, and started to show symptoms around 16, but was only diagnosed about a year ago when I got really sick.

[Daniel_Rilley]

I'm only saying this because it's true and I have one. So yes I would but most people are going to lie and say yes just to feel good about themselfs but in the real would they wouldn't. Some maybe but most no. I been in a few relationships and right when I told them or they found out they changed and either brake up, lie, cheat or just change around you. I won't Judge everyone but most of the time that's the case it's sad but it's true.

[yikeserino]

I've found this to be partly true in my case as well. That's partly why I asked

[Daniel_Rilley]

Yeah it sucks more when they say they understand or its okay but then with in weeks or days everything changes. Especially when you really care for them.

[yikeserino]

The worst time I've experienced this was when I was sick quite a while and in and out of the hospital for about 4 months, and afterwards he decided it was too much for him. Which I understand, I completely sympathize with that. It was just a really heartbreaking reason to leave, though.

[Daniel_Rilley]

I've been there done that and it's really hard for everybody and I understand what you mean. It's hard and it hurts and it feels really unfair. But we can't change what we can't control sadly. I been in the same spot but instead of a parter it was my mother. I'm sorry too hear you went through that. I for one know I need somebody besides family to talk to and when something like that happens it's hard

[pleasestopthis]

Asker: sorry to say but if he loved you enough, he would have stayed. People who love you stay in good and bad times. Would you have done the same?

[JjTheWizard]

Personally yes but I grew up w me and most of my friends having at least minor illnesses, I don't know how most people would take it but a little mutual understanding can go a long way with this stuff, just make sure you acknowledge that both of you will have issues from it and try to focus on the relationship as much as both of your respective health's and happiness

[yikeserino]

I do like the idea of acknowledging that we both have issues. I feel like it would be harder for the other not to look at me like I have more? Or that maybe I'm a financial liability?

[JjTheWizard]

I can't see that if someone truly cared for you then the respect and love they have for you would outweigh any doubts they had or any financial difficulties. That said it relates back to my previous point of acknowledging each others difficulties in dealing with these issues and getting through it with a strong foundation for a lasting and meaningful relationship as your reward. Obviously it's not going to be as easy or as simple as that but it makes that if someone truly loves you then you just need to make sure they know you love them too and give each other what you both need out of a relationship, otherwise you may just be generally incompatible.

[yikeserino]

This is insightful, thank you for your input. We all have our different issues in a relationship. Some are just stronger than others depending on how the two act.

[JjTheWizard]

Exactly :) i hope i helped in some way, best of luck to you

[yikeserino]

You have, thank you for taking the time to reply.

[UnwaveringLostSoul]

I would date a girl that has mental illness disregarding which type. Maybe it's because I have depression and a skin condition. But I feel like that's something that we can BOTH work on and get better with each other and grow as individuals. Also if both people find interest in the other person, only to be turned down because a mental illness the other person will continue to be stuck in that hole while everyone moves forward. That's why I think its essential for both people to lift each other up, instead of disregarding the other person for their chemical imbalance. That's my opinion.

[yikeserino]

Agreed. I feel like we all have something to work towards, regardless of illness.

[Jammers14]

I agree with you. It’s definitely something you should share with your partner before things get serious. If you don’t tell them, it’ll just make it worse in the future. They’ll wonder what else you’ve been hiding from them. Heartbreak will definitely happen.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I have Chronic Mental Illnesses and i have dated girls who
whose illnesses was worst than mine and we had no problem
but one thing i want make better i don't want a relationship
that is just based on sexual things such as foreplay or actual
sex i want take time and base it on real love.

[cth96190]

No, because it would be pointless.
Dating is a series of auditions to select a mate.
Someone who has a chronic illness is self-evidently unfit genetic material, therefore unsuitable as a mate, so interacting with them would be pointless, as well as a waste of time and money.

[Brookie1212]

I would. My condition doesn’t get worse over time (although it could) but I will have it for the rest of my life and will probably pass it down to my children and my boyfriend still loves me. If you love the person and you know it’s much more than infatuation, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Depends on illness and what I could expect when it progress.

Big NO, if I would need to 100% change her adult diaper and/or she will become mentally 'vegetable'.

[yikeserino]

I say that would be reasonable.

[trishhhxx]

I think I could date someone with any illness that obviously wasn't going to be detrimental to me like AIDS - but besides that if someone wants to be with u they will take u for ur whole glory and successful relationships are inclusive of teamwork.

[sawno]

If its something i can handle i would yes, there is burden in these relationships but they can be really rewarding as well. But it does depend on the illness and how capable i am off handling that specific one.

[Catnipboi03]

Yes, absolutely! I have Crohn's Disease and Anxiety Disorders... if I were to discriminate that's make me a hypocrite and shit person. I'm many ways, those that have experience with suffering have more open and compassionate hearts because of it.

[sejla]

There is some thought that digestive problems can cause anxiety since about 90% of the serotonin is produced in the gut.

[Catnipboi03]

Absolutely linked!

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has an illness called ulcerative colitis. He is on medication to control it and basically would die without it. He told me about it when we first started dating. Only thing that bothers me about it is seeing him in pain when he has a flare up.

[Cliftondbrown]

I doubt many people begin their dating relationship with a person afflicted by a chronic illness. I would say 98% of the time the person was healthy when you started dating and then subsequently came down with a chronic illness later. The real question is would someone stay.

[yikeserino]

Very true. Then I ask, would you stay?

[GuidoThePizzaMaker]

Depends on what it is.
I would potentially date someone with chronic illness, assuming it was manageable, not life threatening.
Its impossible to be depressed with me around, so I wouldn't worry about that in a partner.

[MissDawn7961]

you can be friends and date someone who has a serious health problem but you do not have to marry them unless you fall in love with them ! Do not marry anyone out of pity for them either ! Thanks

[RedThread]

Yeah I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. I have bipolar disorder which is a mental illness. It's regulated mostly with meds and therapy. I also have Crohn's disease which is a lifelong bowel disease with chronic pain and bowel issues.

[yikeserino]

Crohn's is rough, I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you're feeling okay rn though!

[SjE78]

I have chronic pain etc and it would be selfish of me to not date someone who has yet expect them to accept me

so my answer is yes without question

[pleasestopthis]

Well it depends. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but in marriage sex is definitely important. So, if the chronic illness we're talking about will make it impossible to have sexual intimacy, I don't think so.

[InlikeFlynn715]

Yes, depending. Things like depression and anxiety are pretty common and I'd be so happy helping a significant other carry their burden because I can relate to it, if it were something like autism or dirty defects or something I couldn't relate but if I loved them I'd still fight it with them.

[DevylasArsaukas76]

since when is autism a total deal breaker?, they can express love,

[DevylasArsaukas76]

autism isn't a dirty defect

[DevylasArsaukas76]

both men and women with autism deserve love like everyone else, why should they be automatically disqualified from the world of dating?

[InlikeFlynn715]

Good Lord, autocorrect killed me here. Birth. I meant to type birth defects. And what I'm saying is I couldn't relate to them because I've never had a defect or something like that so it would be harder for me to understand their situation and how their mind works.

[DevylasArsaukas76]

high functioning individuals are kind of like everyone else, except they might have minor issues related to the condition