Is my boyfriend wrong for needing reassurance that I won’t cheat back on him?

Question

So my boyfriend of 3 years got caught cheating with his ex. We’re working it out. However, I recently admitted to him that I briefly thought about cheating back as revenge. It was a thought that popped up in the midst of my anger while I was processing the betrayal. I never went through with it and I never will but I just wanted to be honest with my boyfriend about my healing process.

He’s now feeling insecure and have been getting suspicious of me whenever I don’t respond back quickly or when I’m on my phone. He even said that no guy would want me and that I won’t find a guy that can satisfy me better than he does. I get why he feels insecure, honestly I do. Even though he cheated, he still doesn’t want to get hurt. Hypocritical of him but he’s human after all so I get it.

But now he’s making it seem like I have to be the one convincing him that I’ll stay loyal instead of the other way around (because he was the one that actually cheated). I’m a bit turned off by his reaction, am I wrong for feeling this way?

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

Wow, I don't like this guy at all... this is one immature child you've got. It's no shock, a lot of guys are not developed, but he really is a pile of... well... unrefined human. I wanted to say "dog poo", but that is not quite accurate, but close...

This is one immature wounded brat you've got here and this whole thing is an opportunity to do some serious internal work. If that is done, you've both got a chance. Lets be honest, you are 30... your clock is ticking, you only have so much time. You have to figure out if he can evolve emotionally as a human or you cut him loose.

He's playing guilt games and lowering you to control you... so you don't leave. It's a lie (of the devil). Find the devil yet? hint... is inside him. Pathetic, but typical of someone that has low self worth.

I'll stop there... I'm not digging into you but I will if you like. Time for both to go to therapist (expensive, long path... often not helpful... but try), read books, study your deeper emotional problems... and work on selves.

Ok you... I understand what you did and don't have an issue with it.. it's normal to feel you want to hurt the other person back. That means you have spite and vengence. Where is the love in spite and vengence? You can work on that... answer... it doesn't exist.

Normal humans... standard, typical. immature... you've just not developed these areas, no training, experience. This is the hard work of relationships... time to do the work... or die. Im more concerned about long term ignoring it and suffering than I am short term pain.

have no problem with leaving him... he got a lot of work to do and I don't trust him... at all... unless he finds and resolves the deep emotional issues he has. But if you love him, you can give him time to develop. A LOT of guys are immature brats... spoiled by you know whom... your girlfriends on the planet and poorly trained in society!

And we've not even talked about your relationship and what issues lurk, this is top of iceberg stuff... ugh...

God help you both. Go to church and find Christ, will help start the process of transformation.

AviatorTom · Accepted Answer

You're not wrong for feeling this way. Having said that, it's important for you to evaluate your relationship and how much you want it to last. Yes, he screwed up and cheated. He knows how easy it is to do that, and is looking for reassurance from you that you won't do that, because he values you and your relationship. If the relationship is really important to you, it may be worthwhile to give into his insecurity over this and convince him you won't cheat on him.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You feel exactly how you should. I'd leave him for the cheating alone especially when it's after 3 years with an ex because he should've moved on from that a long time ago. But now becoming controlling and trying to turn it around where he tries to make himself the victim and make you feel guilty. That's serious manipulation. I'd get away from all this quickly because it seems like it's progressing quickly and it's probably already too late to turn it around. Him trying to tell you no one else would want you is at best extremely offensive because it's only to make you fear being alone as a pathetic attempt to guilt you i to staying with him. There sounds like there is nothing healthy about this anymore. It sounds unfixable to me.

LazerBean · Accepted Answer

You're with someone who cheated on you, then told you that nobody else would want you. But somehow the main thing that turns you off is his insecurity?

His insecurity is the least of your concerns. Smh, you a clown for this

Account · Answer

The fact that you are staying with a cheating piece of shit who has the nerve to insult you in the process is something that I cannot comprehend. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

Avicenna · Answer

Why are you even still with this jackass? Let him stew for awhile worrying if you're determined to stay with this clown.

loveslongnails · Answer

YES, he's wrong, and worse, YOU'RE wrong to put up with his façade. He's using you.

If you decided to stay with him, that's your guys' business. Obviously YOU believe he can be trusted going forward, again, your business. But now he's throwing mental abuse at you:
" ... no guy would want me " That's pure abuse, and he's trying to break you down and make you feel like you're of little value

Then he throws this shit at you: " (you) won’t find a guy that can satisfy (you) better than I do." That's more of the same emotional abuse, boosting his own ego and trying to make you feel "oh so lucky" to have him. More bullshit.

You're willing to overlook all this because "he's only human and doesn't want to get hurt"? I call bullshit. He's devalued you, manipulated you and you're enabling him. You're a "bit" turned off? You should hand him walking papers and believe in yourself, and not be afraid to be alone for a while.

lumos · Answer

Dude, get out of this relationship while you still can. This is in no way a healthy relationship. It's straight up toxic that he's trying to make you feel bad for even thinking of doing what he did to you, and that he's now trying to manipulate you into thinking you're worth less, or that you won't be able to find someone else. He's trying to trap you in a crappy relationship where he can do whatever he wants with no consequences, and you'll just roll over and pretend like nothing happened.

You're not wrong for feeling weirded out by his reaction, if anything you should be enraged by it. Cheating on you and treating you that way is not something a loving boyfriend would do. Dump his pathetic ass, you deserve better and WILL find better.

godfatherfan · Answer

Honestly, once someone has cheated, the relationship is done. How can you ever trust him again? seriously. He is always going to think you will cheat on him to get back at him, which is dumb. The fact is that the trust has been shattered in your relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You are better off finding someone that loves you for you, and doesn't need to go looking for other women.

Flower7 · Answer

This relationship is over. The trust is broken on both sides. It's also very toxic for him to claim that you wouldn't be able to find anyone else who wants you. Not to mention, he's a cheater. This guy seems to have no good qualities. Just let him go and start fresh.

CarolinaGirl5 · Answer

You're 30-35 years old asking this question, you're unmarried with no children. Look at your life and think about what you're asking. You're not getting any younger your clock is tickingre-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

HighValue · Answer

Once trust is broken, the relationship will never be the same. If you stay with him, make sure you will be satisfied feeling the way you do now for the next 20 + years, otherwise it would be best to move on to find someone loyal and not waste time with the wrong person.

Anonymous · Answer

He's asking you to stay with him, knowing he will do it again. Because it's easy and once you stay, he knows you'll tolerate his nonsense.
Him putting you down to keep you around... are you really questioning whether you should be with him or not?
You deserve someone who wants you, and while he does, supports you... not make a fool out of you. Please don't allow yourself to stay stuck in this mess. Life isn't long... don't waste it on someone who doesn't see your value.

SuchSightsToShowYou · Answer

He's the one who cheated. If anyone should be policing anyone's behavior, you should be policing his.

Instead, the fact that he got caught cheating seems to mean, in his mind, that you now have an obligation to make him feel better about his bad choices.

You might want to consider breaking up with this guy.

elizamichale1 · Answer

Ofcourse he is wrong... he has no right of seeking any reassurances from you... in other words he is saying that yea he cheated but he wants u to reassure him that u won't cheat when clearly he is the cheater

Nikki1989 · Answer

His need for reassurance stems from a place of insecurity and vulnerability. It will only get worse if you don't put a stop to it.

Peridot25 · Answer

I can tell you one thing: You’re stupid for not leaving him in the first place. Look at how he’s treating you. No normal human being would treat a loved one like that.

TheCoffeeisHot · Answer

It's not wrong. It just means you have to be understanding of his insecurity at that specific spot. He, on the other hand, needs to start believing you and trusting you more. It's a team effort.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

I read the first sentence and nothing else. Dump him.  The rest of your post is irrelevant.

StevenMcGarrett · Answer

Ugh, this is never going to end. Get rid of that guy. You can do better. He is the one that cheated but he wants to control you and make it seems like it's your fault. It will only get worse.

Sabretooth · Answer

I'm not even gonna read all of this: ''He even said that no guy would want me and that I won’t find a guy that can satisfy me better than he does.'' that is the only thing of consequence. get. the. fuck. out! this guy is an abuser.

Unit1 · Answer

Enjoy your cheating boyfriend

DtMe89 · Answer

Sounds like a lot of projection coming from him. Accusing you, when he's likely the one cheating

LiamS95 · Answer

It's completely his problem and what he did caused this situation. If I were you I'd already be on my way out the door.

Smegskull · Answer

Stop ruining each other's lives. Split up and move on for both your sakes. re-state//background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft

JesseP1nk · Answer

Trust is broken. And he broke it. Good Luck fixing it. That is why i think you two should break up

noohair · Answer

No, your feelings are valid. His attacking you seems odd. Do you really feel that this guy is "The One" for you?

Anonymous · Answer

He sounds like an asshole who cheated on you and now wants to control you and degrade you by saying things like no guy would ever want you.

In_Trance · Answer

He wouldn't need it if you gave him the correct vibes in the first place.

Anonymous · Answer

Repetitive Lack of trust How fucking annoying  dump his insecure ass

Anonymous · Answer

I mean, if you're continuing to hold it over his head, then it's understandable.

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Dump him he sounds toxic as fuck lol

avery58 · Answer

He sounds like a classic narcissist

WhitneySnow · Answer

I completely agree with you

jahaims · Answer

Have some self respect and move on

LiamJHayden · Answer

Dump him and move on.

Is my boyfriend wrong for needing reassurance that I won’t cheat back on him?

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How do you reassure your boyfriend you won't cheat on him?

Is my boyfriend wrong for needing reassurance that I won’t cheat back on him?

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