What do you you think of my diary post today?

[Crimsyjo]

I've added/hidden bits for anonymity or context

Today feels like a haze of frustration and exhaustion. The past few days have left me feeling a bit flat, like I'm carrying around the weight of too many inconsistent connections. It’s that nagging sense that while these guys pop in and out, it’s all on their terms, not mine, and I’m the one left feeling used and a bit empty. It’s not that I don’t get what casual sex is—I know it’s meant to be light, spontaneous, and free. But casual sex doesn’t have to mean careless. I’m realizing I need a level of consistency, some kind of rhythm in these connections, or else they just feel hollow.

Even the ones I’d hoped for more with (guy I've known a year now) feel like they’re slipping into the same pattern. His mixed signals have been confusing, and his recent behavior makes me wonder if he’s even worth the energy. I tried to put myself out there last night, and while he enjoyed the teasing, it left me feeling more like a convenience than someone he actually values. Then there’s (R), who went from all that warm affection to barely being present. And guys like (C) or (O) seem to pop back in just for their own reasons, like I’m just on standby for when they’re in the mood.

I’m caught between wanting to let it all go—to just cut these connections off altogether—and not wanting to deal with the loneliness that follows. Is it better to have some attention, even if it’s inconsistent and unsatisfying, or to have none at all? I know if I don’t put myself out there at all, I risk feeling invisible. But if I keep opening that door, am I just letting myself be used?

Right now, I just feel a bit worn out by it all. Maybe some distance could help me figure out what I actually want and what I’m willing to accept. For now, I’ll take things one day at a time, and maybe focus on myself a bit more. I need to feel valued, not just convenient.

*sigh*

[SamIam96]

It’s difficult to truly understand what you need and want by just reading this and other questions of yours.

I get the impression that you’re a sensual person; which is great. At the same time, you hunger for connection. I think those two things can be at odds with each other. Our sensual hunger often demands immediate satisfaction. That’s why most of us masturbate. That’s also why many people hookup. Sex with another person is just better. It can look like there’s a connection. I think those connections are pretty weak. Moaning is no substitute for honest conversation. You need those conversations to know someone and to build trust and ultimately relationships.

I don’t think you can form a connection with someone if having sex with them is a first priority. If you want both, connecting as people has to come first.

If I were to give a bit of advice, I’d recommend you lower your expectations. Enjoy the sex, but don’t expect to build relationships at the same time. Or, build relationships that aren’t based upon a sexual need. Maybe that means you have two groups of men. The ones that you want to build a relationship with before getting intimate and those who satisfy your desires.

Have fun!

[Crimsyjo]

You are spot on well done. I agree to everything you said.
Yes I am sensual (sexual lol) and it's a need. I mastubate a lot but it's not the same. I want real sex.

I want connection. Ultimately I want a relationship. One that has lots of sex. But all the other intimate th8ngs too and I crave conversation.

Your right again that casual relationships/sex have an initial connection. But it's weak. Not from my side. But men will give lots of attention until they get what they want.

I already have two groups in my head. Under 30 I consider for casual sex. Over 35 for relationship. For those I will not have sex and I will tell them I am looking for something genuine. For under 30's I still say I'm looking for connection. Because I want more than hook up. The guy I was in love with, he started as a FB hook up but we have a year of connection now. If he was older and not currently in a relationship he is perfect with his sexual passion and intense communication.

My problem is that NO guys in my over 35 group want to build connection or relationship. They ALL try to be exactly same as the under 30's hook up guys. Conversation goes sexual, I've tried no sexual chat (they get bored and disappear) or flirty chat but with boundaries (they chat a while but get bored if I won't sext) or be sexual (they then only see sex and want nothing else).
But getting a guy actually saying he's looking for a relationship and not talking BS is extremely rare. Honestly. In a year I've not met a single one. I've had two dates that were liars in that regard. And one guy who did become my boyfriend but mainly I think he was looking for free accommodation as his mum wanted him out.

[SamIam96]

I’m guessing that the over 35 guys are horny as ever, but getting less. They’re haunting places where they think they can hookup, either online or in person. I know that the only reason I’m going to some sites is to get off. Those places are not going to have the kind of people you’re looking for.

[Crimsyjo]

Well I hear this a lot too. I can get a hook up on tinder within an hour. I joke it's like ordering a pizza to get sex.

But relationship... ahh. They either don't use dating sites or they don't pick me to match with (or I'm not picking them).

I've tried going cafes with my laptop to study. I go bars and clubs (wrong crowd really). I been going gym like 2 years. I've done courses (one on sociology one meditation). I joined Meet Up and gone to mixer groups, pizza events. I've even gone twice to speed dating.
So I have tried!!
I feel through work is best way but my current job is not going to offer up anything.

[SamIam96]

A friend once said that you make your own luck. Some people have a cloud over them. They sit back and hope something good happens.

Others, lay groundwork for success. Waiting is difficult. In your case, the relationship you want will find you. It's just a matter of time.

[Crimsyjo]

I spent 8 years not looking and not wanting a relationship. At my age now I don't feel I got much time left lol. I guess I'm just feeling that scary big 50 coming. So I'm probably feeling more desperate than I should. I'm also very impatient. When I want something I make it happen. But I can't control finding love.
I think at the moment tho I'm done. Done with casual guys. Or at least expecting anything from them.

[Anonymous]

I've read your description here of your diary entry more than once. For whatever reasons, what you describe seems to affect women more. And I sympathize with the frustration and emptiness women feel in situations like yours. Having a casual sexual relationship shouldn't mean a lack of caring or respect for the other person. And when things are like that then feeling empty is understandable.

My opinion from reading your posts is that you want a sexual partner who is more open with his feelings. And I think that's a perfectly legitimate thing to wish for. You have a lot to offer because you come across as caring and thoughtful. I hope you don't "shut down" when it comes to relationships but at the same time keep some appropriate boundaries. Men who don't show you any affection or respect don't deserve your time.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't know why GaG posted my opinion here as from Anonymous.
It's from me, @TadCurious.

[Crimsyjo]

Haha aww
Thank you. I actually did reach out with a few direct boundary setting messages which has helped.
I still want a relationship not casuals but alas... I see none wherever I look.

[MicahRaine]

"I need to feel valued, not just convenient." Yeah. . . that's relatable as heck.

I'm no counselor, but I think it would be a good idea to take some time away from those people. Maybe even go on a trip and just relax in nature.

As someone who's fresh off a heartbreak where I was used, the only two things which have really helped is distance and prayer.

[Crimsyjo]

Hey. I've had so much heartbreak thos year. After taking an 8 year break from men and relationships. So it's hurtful that after one year being back out there I'm starting to feel negative towards men with the experiences I'm having. I'm trying really hard not to say ALL men this and that.
You are right. I think I need to withdraw again. But I know that path = being depressed. But I'll bounce back I'm sure. Just hope it's not another 8 years!
Thanks for taking the time to respond!

[MicahRaine]

Yeah. . . I understand that perfectly. And thank you for being intentional about not condemning all men.

I hope you find peace and joy.

Also, you're welcome for the response :)

[Juxtapose]

I know we don't know each other all that well but for what it's worth, I think you're a good person and I value you 🤜🤛

[Crimsyjo]

Aww thank you 💕 just wish guys in my dating circles bothered to get to know me too.

[Juxtapose]

You're welcome and I hope someone nice and fun gets to know you well. You seemed like a lot of fun in general.

[ManOfHonor]

Just relax and spend quality time with yourself... Probably masturbate to some hentai... if that helps @Crimsyjo

[Crimsyjo]

Haha not to hentai

I spent 8 years by myself. Not mastubating. But last year I just got horny as hell and I tried toys and mastubation. But I wanted sex. And I've had loads of sex with lots of guys. But I want more. I'm so lonely!!