What do you think of my writing?

[JohnSmityJohnson]

Excerpt from a novel I'm working on:

The cliff pass was huge crevice that stretched over a valley, only bridges connecting both sides. As Lea and Agnir approached the bridge, at that very moment Goblins came out of the caves of the mountain.

"Both of you have come to die." Said a voice from a short distance away. The verse reverberating off the walls of the ravine.

Then suddenly the cliff was filled with thousands of shadowy figures. As the two took a step further a small green creature charged them. Lea drew her sword, and thinking quick plunged her sword deep into the charging Goblin, only the hilt remained. Lea felt the warm blood cover her hand. Realizing what she had done she dropped her sword, gazing on the dead Goblin. "Oh God! Oh God!" She said, her hands trembling." "Pick up your sword! We are still in a fight!" Said Agnir. Lea pulled the sword out of the dead Goblin, and prepared herself as legions of Goblins descended upon them.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Shallow and could use some better grammar. Also a bit awkward.

It could be better, but it's not terrible.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

Shallow and Grammar? Like how?

[JohnSmityJohnson]

I'm not offended or anything, I just want to know what specifically so I can improve.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Shallow in the way that I feel like you're lightly scraping what is happening here.
First off, if Lea pierced the goblin and then freaked out by saying "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" and then Agnir tells her to just continue and that's it...
I'm assuming it's not something she really has done before and yet we don't get the feeling this is a big thing at all, even though the way you made her react indicates that it is.
Sure, they're still and fight and need to move along. But there would still be a response to it. More than that in a way. Maybe a thought, a reaction. Maybe the narator saying something. I don't know.

Also, when writing dialogue, this is something, I myself, am very focused on:
Each speaker gets a new paragraph. Every time someone speaks, you show this by creating a new paragraph. Yes, even if your characters are only saying one word, they get new paragraphs.

Source: self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/

Well, these are my initial thoughts.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

I think your reply, because I intentionally left out more of the story. So my intention to writing that fulfilled it's goal. I agree that it needs more context of course but it's only taken from a small section of the Chapter. Which this one would most likely be in the middle of the book this far. I wanted to make the reader feel emotions but at the same time this sense of being in that moment is most important. I will tell you that once the battle is over on the cliff she does indeed break down in tears. No. Lea has not taken a life before, but is expected to because she's the hero. But thank you for your opinion I greatly appreciate it. I like when I can discuss my work.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

I meant I like your reply. My phone autocorrects me.

[Little_Bumblebee]

It's always difficult to judge writing entirely just from such a small section.
I'm really glad that you appreciate it.
It's fun and much different from the usual questions on here. Also, I write a bit myself - and read quite a bit (fanfiction though), so this interested me.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

I'd love to discuss my novel further if you'd like.

[Little_Bumblebee]

Sure, that might be interesting

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to be critical but you have a lot of grammar and punctuation issues in those short excerpts.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

Where specifically

[JohnSmityJohnson]

Tell me and show me some examples in my writing.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

If you can't give me examples of how utterly terrible with grammar I am, you aren't really telling me what you think, but just being a jerk.

[JohnSmityJohnson]

And it was one short excerpt.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry, I have not been online for a while and am just seeing your responses now. Here are some observations...

"The cliff pass was (insert "a" here) huge crevice that stretched over a valley, only bridges connecting both sides. As Lea and Agnir approached the bridge, at that very moment Goblins came out of the caves of the mountain."

""Both of you have come to die." Said a voice from a short distance away. The verse reverberating off the walls of the ravine."

In the above paragraph you separated the three segments into three incomplete sentences, which is incorrect. They should all be one sentence, like this...""Both of you have come to die" said a voice from a short distance away, the verse reverberating off the walls of the ravine."

You last paragraph has multiple grammar and punctuations problems. I'm not going to take the time to describe all of them. Instead, I will just rewrite it for you and you can compare it to the original and pick out the changes. Here you go...

"Suddenly the cliff was filled with thousands of shadowy figures. As the two took a step further, a small green creature charged them. Lea drew her sword and, thinking quickLY, plunged IT deep into the charging Goblin. Only the hilt remained. Lea felt the warm blood cover her hand. Realizing what she had done, she dropped her sword, gazing on the dead Goblin. "Oh God! Oh God!" she said, her hands trembling. "Pick up your sword! We are still in a fight!" said Agnir. Lea pulled the sword out of the dead Goblin and prepared herself as legions of Goblins descended upon them."

Again, I'm not trying to be a dick here, but if you want to be an writer and author successful novels, you will need to up your game. The good news is that you easily can; it's just a matter of working at it. I would not have felt right about telling you it was all good. I like the subject matter and think it would be an interesting read.

Good luck.