Why won't he spend any money on me 😢?

[Anonymous]

I spent so much to travel to visit him. It wasn't a cheap flight, I even gave him money to get me from the airport cause it's a long drive.

He has an amazing job that is well paid. But he hates spending money on me. I stayed for ten days and he only took me out for lunch one time. He literally told me we would cook indoors and not eat out with me (I had no problem with this but found it odd that he would prepare me for not eating out)

We had a massive argument because he wanted me to contribute to the food cost and I said no. I have been with this guy for years. Do you think I'm overreacting?

[Garud]

The opposite can also be done, that he comes to your place and you spend the same amount that he spent when you came. Then see his reaction.
But now the big question is why he is spending so little.
What is his thinking, ask him clearly. And tell him your thoughts, life ideology and your way of spending money.

Suppose he refuses to come, then I feel that he is thinking that this girl has come of her own will so she should pay for this expense, why should I pay?
I don't want to go so why should I spend money on it, she should give.
She has called me to pick her up from the airport so she will pay for this expense, I have come to pick her up, this is my contribution. will she come to pick me up when I needed? Similarly he may think about other things, who knows.

Whatever it is, make it clear before going further

[Garud]

Some people have to struggle for every penny in their life and nobody helps them then they become very bitter with time and do this? Ask him and warn him to choose either the past or me

[Asker]

Firstly, Thank you for your feedback. I think you are correct, he questions my input to the relationship in the sense of "would you collect me?" I do not have a car so the truth is, I couldn't.

He has travelled to visit me in the past, however he travelled with a friend and was much more interested in spending time with him than myself.

I think he sees a relationship as 50:50 straight down the middle, down to every penny. He also has saved a lot of money, I can see he is worried about losing it because he has been careful not to throw it away even on himself.

I am the opposite when it comes to showing how I feel about someone. I purchased some expensive gifts for him, and I enjoyed buying them knowing he would love them.

I am truly not a gold-digger, or even slightly materialistic. However, as a man I expect what I consider "the normal." E. g buying me a coffee and checking that I am not hungry. He struggles with this. It's more than a red flag, it makes me feel extremely un-attracted to him when he reacts this way.
However, (and I am not making excuses here but telling it how it is) he will lay in bed and stroke my arm ALL night when I cannot sleep through stress. I suffer from insomnia, and he literally stays up all night, maybe getting just two hours sleep before he has to go to work, trying to comfort me out of my anxiety. He has done this many times. His eyes are sunken in the morning. But buy me a coffee., dinner, or anything. That's another story. I have spoken about this to him before. I told him how much I spent on the flight and the gifts. He seemed upset, but the next day went back to old habits.

[Garud]

I think I am like this in some ways. But I don't go to extreme.
for me, love and peace of mind are far more important.
E. If she is also earning, then I will do half the housework.
Although I have so much energy I can do all the housework alone. it won't make any difference to me if I cook a little more food for another person.
It took me a while to mature emotionally enough to get past the drum of equality that was constantly beating above my head since childhood.
I want both of us to be each other's strength, not the reason for each other's headaches.
I know, in fact, in some cases, men and women are not equal, if our home is attacked I will be ready to fight and die to protect my family. And the whole world will agree with me.

I don't know what is the reason behind his thinking like this.

try this,
Love dispels all the dark clouds of the heart just as a ray of light dispels darkness.
if you take him in your arms lovingly and tell him don't worry, I will never leave you no matter what happens. And everything of mine is yours, and you do whatever you think is right to the best of your ability, I have no complaints, and I will also do whatever is possible to the best of my ability. This assurance will help him to open up emotionally.

I hope the petty issues of the past and society do not ruin your present so much that in your old age, you regret that you got a good life partner but neither of us tried our best to keep him.

Just be clear, optimistic and honest
speak your heart out and let out the love you have for him in your heart.
Sometimes the sleeping masculine (positive) needs encouragement from the feminine to awaken.
The rest is his responsibility to see the light or not.

all the best

[Asker]

I will try, thank you

[DryGermanGuy]

What a weird penny pincher. He reminds me of a documentary about old-money industrialists in the USA that were known for charging fees from their house guests! 🤯🤯🤯

[Asker]

Yeah, I mean, I'm not asking for luxury. A coffee now and then would be nice 😢 The bit that stumps me is how is this not embarrassing for him? We have argued about it and he denies it. Says it's me who refuses things. As a man, how is it not awkward for him to be so damn cheap?

[DryGermanGuy]

It's his personality, he just can't help it. Spending money on anything but the bare minimum causes him almost physical pain. I just remembered, I know the exact same guy! He has six figures in his savings account, but buys the cheapest food and his flat has the trashiest, oldest furniture you could imagine. It's a bit sad, actually.

[Asker]

Do you think he would be like this with every girl? He is always going for coffee with his best friend.

[DryGermanGuy]

Absolutely. The guy I know has been like this for 25 years, no matter the scenario.

[Asker]

What do you think makes a guy like this? I'm not even materialistic. I'm a baggy shirt and jeans girl. I own no gold or silver jewellery. I don't fit the quota for a woman who needs lavish things. I just wanted normal.

[DryGermanGuy]

Did he grow up poor or relatively poor? The guy I know had a low income for a number of years and also came from a low-income household. So he never learned what to do with additional money.

[Asker]

Not at all, he grew up in a house that had several bedrooms. His father had a good job and he has been privately educated.

However, I know for a fact that his family encourage the next generation not to "spend money on girls." I find this odd. I understand not spending massive amounts of money on random dates. But three years in, I think I qualify for a nice dinner and a glass of wine :(

Do you think his family's opinion has made a difference on how he treats me?

[DryGermanGuy]

Oh, but of course! That's the explanation. His parents have instilled that in him.

[Asker]

They have done him a massive disservice. I was good to him. I am not beautiful nor ugly, but I loved him genuinely. I also put up with a lot from him. He has not been easy to be around. What a shame. Maybe they did not want him to be happy?
I appreciate some women are gold-diggers, many are not authentic. However, not buying your girlfriend lunch does not prove she does not want your money, it only proves her self-worth is low enough to stick around with a many who cannot provide such a basic gift.

[Asker]

Thank you for your help, dry German guy :)

[DryGermanGuy]

His parents might have meant well, but yeah, that's the unfortunate result.
No worries and good luck!

[Nikki1989]

He is what is known as a tight-ass. You deserve better.

[Asker]

Thanks, although this is my second relationship of the same thing. Maybe I attract this type of man.

[ClassicDropout]

Nah that's actually weird. I'd say I'm pretty petty when comes to that stuff, and even I'm saying it's a red flag. I absolutely know you can find someone better

[Asker]

Thank you. You know the weird part? I can see regret in his eyes when I say how I feel. But he cannot change. It's bizarre. He tries to test me a lot too. Test me with how I think about money, if I want to spend a lot. I don't get it. He has a good heart, but I take nothing from him. I'm not even proud that I take nothing, I wish I could say he gave me something, anything. He won't.

[ProbablyClueless]

He values his money more than the relationship.

[Asker]

I think more than anything. He doesn't even have nice things in his apartment. He can afford it.

[ProbablyClueless]

Maybe he has some longer term vision in mind. I'm not a cheap person by any stretch of the imagination, but I avoid spending money on luxuries because I've looked ahead at my future expenses for the next 5 years.