Am I the asshole for not wanting to give him money?

[Anonymous]

So i've been seeing my current boyfriend for a year, he went abroad for half of that year to work abroad for half a year. He's recently been back and yh we're not as close from the distance of being part so it feels weird interacting sometimes so i'm not really all giddy to be jumping back into bed with him since he only gave me 3 days notice before leaving. So he came back he loed for a new job, this job isn't paying as much as his old job did before he left, he wasn't here for his birthday so i didn't get him anything he didn't get me anything either he was having a hrad time financially i'm born in February his birthday is in September. He's been her 3 weeks and he already says he hates being back and complains about his new job a lot saying he doesn't do much but sit all day. I make more than he does with overtime and all that and i don't work long shifts but i don't get a lunch break, i work about 7-9 hours a day always in my feet and having to walk around a lot. He asked me what i'm getting for Christmas, i make close to a 100,000 every month but 60,000 out of that is split in half for saving for school and buying construction material to finish my place. He asked for rather reasonable present to use but its almost 20k for the present, he make less than i make now and his excuse for wanting such a gift is its not that expensive and I make more than he does. I feel he's just digging himself into a ditch, i was shocked but brushed it off and asked what he would get me, he said a Basinnett cause I'm always sleeping and barely leave my house and i could take it outside and take a nap, i didn't respond t his Christmas present suggestion but said i'd consider his gift. Was I bad girlfriend for doing that? We have a 9 yr age gap.I'm22.

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah man, that's a tough situation. On one hand, you've been together for over a year so it's not like you're new or anything. But asking for such an expensive gift when he knows money is tight for you too seems a bit much. A few things stand out to me:

- He hasn't been super thoughtful with gifts himself like getting you something for your birthday while he was gone.
- He's complaining a lot about his new job already when he's only been back a little while. Money seems to be a big issue.
- You work hard and have a plan to save, so responsible of you not to blow cash.
- His gift idea for you (a basinette?) doesn't seem super caring or like he put thought into it.

I don't think you're a bad girlfriend for not immediately agreeing to such an expensive gift, especially when he knows money is tight too. Maybe have an honest chat with him about how his requests make you feel, see if he's willing to compromise. Relationships are all about communication and teamwork, not just getting expensive things. If he can't appreciate your side though, might be time to reevaluate things. You work hard - you deserve a partner who respects that!

[Asker]

i do stay home and take a lot of naps i work from 7am to 3pm and then i have classes at 6pm to 11pm then i commute home, we don't live together he lives alone an hour out of town, i live with my mom and stepdad but i still pay for groceries as well as bills when i can and thats about 200 a month, i take 2 buses to work when i can't hitch a ride with my uncle, he was working while he was away where did all that money go. it just hurt when i hesitated he said i shouldn't be acting like that cause i make more than he does, even when he made more , i'd borrow 1000 and return it immediately. Ik my parents won't mind me staying and my dad welcomes to stay over anytime, I just want my own place.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dang, that does sound like a tough situation. A few things it seems like:

- Your boyfriend shouldn't be guilt tripping you about money just because you currently make more. A relationship is a partnership, not a competition.

- It's fair that you want to save up for your own place instead of spending a ton on gifts. That's responsible of you.

- Him not having a clear plan for all the money he made while abroad is kind of a red flag. If he blew through it all without savings, that shows he's not great with finances.

- Commuting so much for work and school does sound exhausting. No wonder you need lots of naps!

Maybe for now just focus on school and saving up. And have an honest talk with your boyfriend about setting better expectations around money - that it's not cool for him to pressure you just cause the numbers are different right now. A good relationship should be way more about mutual support. If he can't respect that, might be time to rethink things. Take care of yourself first!

[Anonymous]

Girl leave him. He’s one big walking 🚩Leave. And absolutely under no circumstances give him the 20k gift or any other expensive gift, and definitely never any money. Ever. This man is using you and on top of that he’s a loser.

[Asker]

I was quite taken aback when he said i made more than him, he has a bachelor's in animal biology, he had a good paying job but hated the people he worked with as they made him do jobs that weren't his to do. Then he said he was going to a destination wedding for a relative and would be gone for 3 weeks, 3 weeks turned into 2 months, i barely talked to him then one night he called and said he was back in the country and he wanted to see me and i went over to his place he tried getting into my pants, teh he brings up this money, he has all these plans for splurging is pay check as soon as he gets it, he should buy his 20k gift out of his 50k pay check then, my job pays a lot but its taxing. Guess it was a wakeup call.