My boyfriend gets loud with his mom and it makes me uncomfortable?

[drgreatness]

Whenever my bf’s mom is doing something like carrying heavy things by herself without asking for help or not fully understanding something my boyfriend tells her, he gets loud with her by saying things like “You’re being stubborn” “You don’t understand how I feel/you don’t understand what I’m saying”or something along those lines. She does tell him to lower his voice and he just keeps going and it makes me very uncomfortable. He tells me that she gets that way with him, too sometimes. I’ve definitely witnessed that many times as well and she doesn’t care about my discomfort at all when she gets snippy with him. He doesn’t get loud with me when we have disagreements, however. He owns up to his mistakes and apologizes. He knows him being loud with his mom makes me uncomfortable and he’s working on it with therapy and the only way he feels this is going to stop is when he moves out. We’re going to be moving in together soon and he’s been stressed about keeping his mom safe since she’ll be living alone once he moves out. I know he really cares for her as she’s getting older. I also know she can be stubborn herself but I feel like he should still take it easy with her. I’ve had several conversations with him about this and I feel like if this continues then I don’t know if I can continue this relationship. We’ve been together for two years. I’ve talked about this in therapy as well and my therapist mentions that this is him caring about her but not in a healthy way. He definitely picked up this habit from both his parents and if him and I ever have kids then I don’t want them to pick up on this behavior. What are your opinions on this?

[Anonymous]

Sounds similar to my mom and I when I was younger. Yes you're right it was probably the dynamic he learned. My father was the patriarch of our family and you new he was leader. My mother also had a habit of playing the victim at times. Believe me when they argued my dad did not steamroll her.😆 As I've gotten older I've mellowed by I'll admit my mom can exasperate me at times. Because she's old enough now that there's a lot of things she cannot due. But she doesn't seem to get we all (her kids) have jobs not everything can be done on her timeline. It's a balance we have to strike. Give her the respect she's do. She raised us we'll always owe that. While still being able to live our own life.

Where's your boyfriend's father?

[drgreatness]

His dad passed away years ago unfortunately.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, same here. He probably feels a responsibility to take care of his mom since his dad is gone. Not saying his mom isn't capable of taking care of herself.