Is my boyfriend too close to his mom?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend is a little older than me. His parents are divorced a long time but his dad is not alive anymore for years.

He and his mom own a multi family home. They rent one apartment. He has another apartment. And she has the third.

It saves him money and one day the house will be his. However it is starting to annoy me that his mom is so close. When I stay over on the weekends we always have to go to her for a meal and see her. He also goes to see her at least once a day. I feel like he may as well just live with her. Sometimes he will go to talk to her while I am in his place and leave me in his apartment for a little bit (less than an hour) She likes me but I am concerned about whether he lacks independence? He works and brings in the majority of money and has a good salary.

Updates

+1 y

His mom lives with one of the other brothers so she's not alone. It's not that I don't want them to have a relationship I just worry more like if we were married is he going to get his mom in the middle? Run to her to avoid me? Those are normal concerns. My dad was overly attached to his mom and listened to her but not my mom

Updates

+1 y

Also because he makes a good salary and she doesn't make much, nor does his brother, he is supporting them financially. His mom does work but she doesn't make a lot of money. So the house is really his but I'm sure his money would keep going to them even if we married...

[Wonderer89]

It's sad you feel this way - his mother is on her own and if he is around your age she would be starting to age. It's nice that he keeps an eye on her and makes sure she is ok.
The fact he could afford to live away from her isn't the point, their arrangement obviously works for them both by providing security, company and a home cooked meal every week. Family is important and his care of her is lovely.
If you don't feel this way and think it takes away from your time together this may not be the relationship for you Hun. I think it would be very unfair for you to ask that he limit the time with his mother in your presence but can't see an alternative you would be happy with

[Anonymous]

He only sees her once a day because she's right there. Imagine a man who knows his lonely mother is right next door and he just ignores and walks past his door to go to his own home. That'd be sad. It is nice they're close, but I do understand your concerns.
I say though, better he is like this. Would you want to be with a guy who just leaves his divorced mother even though she's right there? If he does that to her, his own mother, what will he be able to do for you? Not much.
Anyway, when you have kids, you've got granny babysitting right there, be glad! Haha

[Opinion Owner]

Your update does make it a little different. She may just have decided to purposely bring them up like that if it's both of them basically there all the time.
And your dad... Do you know how often us girls accidentally choose a guy who's like our dad, and so often it's the traits in our dads that we say we wouldn't like in a partner, like this going to his mother all the time.

How are they both if he does away for a while, like on holiday or something. Does he ever stay with you? How does she act if he does.

Purely coincidence, but some of my siblings and I have homes extremely close to our parents, mine is a 1-2min walk. And we don't individually see them daily, but they'll see at least one of their kids most days. None of us are there daily, unless it's for something specific we're doing. Our parents like us to have our own lives too.

[Asker]

I live with my parents so he can't sleep over. She doesn't care if he and I go away for the weekend.

[Opinion Owner]

A man who takes care of his family is good, you can expect him to take very good care of your kids in future and that he'll work very hard for them.
Does his brother work at all? If so, is it full time? If not, why is he not working?
Is it his younger brother? The family may have just become used to your boyfriend being the "man of the house" after the divorce and passing of his father. This is no good for anybody though, especially his brother needs to go and earn enough money to live on and not rely on somebody else to feed him, unless he has some sort of disability preventing him, there is no reason this should be happening.

This one is just tough, because on one hand you're lucky you have such a kind hearted, selfless, family orientated boyfriend, but on ghe other it's difficult to imagine a future where you start your own family with him and he's not still running back to his mother or your kids not having something so he can pay something for his mother.

[Asker]

No his brother is older just a bum.

[mermaidrocketship]

I think society has gone too far with this idea that we all need independence and to be entirely self sufficient. There's nothing wrong with him being so close to his mother. And, technically, he does live with her. He has his own apartment, but it's adjacent to hers. That's really convenient and sweet. Imagine you're widowed with a grown son. You would want to see him everyday and cook for him. It's probably nice for him too. He has enough independence, but he's still able to have a child-parent relationship. That's the kind of guy you want to be with.

[mermaidrocketship]

Regarding your update, why don't you talk to him? Your concerns are valid, and if he cares for you he'll listen.

[mermaidrocketship]

Regarding your second update, a good man takes care of his family. If you don't want him, I'll take him.

[19magic]

It depends on the kind of mum she is to me this is fine and everything is alright but if it was like the mum I have or dad has then that's too much to see daily. If this was the situation between me and dad I'd be ecstatic, so long as the rented apartment is the one between our two walls, and/or they are completely sound proof. Then that'll be great.

[Levin]

He's you know, just not being a cunt, and ensuring she has company. It's really not a big deal to go and talk to someone other than your partner in the course of your day. He works, has a decent job, has his own apartment. And you're still not happy? Sweet Jesus. More American egoism and selfishness. Fuck the family unit.

I'd be really concerned if my girlfriend wanted me to be around her, and paying attention to *just* her, throughout a day. People get annoying when you're around them 24/7, when you're joined at the hip, whoever they are.

[Cyhhgg]

Thank you, Levin, for saying this. :D

[Levin]

@Cyhhgg why? :)

[ArrowheadSW]

Well I guess just like anything else, "it depends"... So I take it he has a fairly decent job if he has a good salary? If he were to get a job out of the area, would it completely destroy his life to leave his mom?

Actually what you describe doesn't sound too bad. It is a good thing he has a good relationship with his mom. Better than the opposite... LOL

[ArrowheadSW]

As you updated above, he is supporting her and his brother financially. Well one can argue the merits of supporting the mom if she needs it, supporting the brother along with it can get old. What is up with the brother where he needs support?

[Asker]

Cause he's a lazy mofo

[ArrowheadSW]

Yeah that puts things into a different category. Yeah I would seriously have a problem with someone shelling out money to help support that sort of thing. The mom is one thing and he probably isn't giving her that much money if she has a job but just needs some extra support. (But I have no way of knowing...) But to help support a lazy brother... This is something that needs to be ironed out if you're looking to get real serious.

[Chico_brah]

I love my mom too. My old girlfriend and her used to hang out all the time. As long as he isn't acting like a man-child then I don't see too much an issue. Relationships you have to adjust and sacrifice. That's apart of it. His relationship with his mother isn't changing, you have to change your attitude towards it.

[Girlanony]

Nope. You're overreacting, I think you need to be more supportive...
He is the only one she has on Earth, and she's alone, and she won't be there forever... if they have a great relationship, and talk about stuff, that shouldn't bother you... as long as he gives you your place.

[ihateheroicleishin]

This is actually good on his part and I feel you aren't stepping into his shoes or appreciating it. He is an adult, he doesn't have to do anything for anyone. He is showing his mother kindness, respect, and tender care. The scenario in which you describe is what women need to actively look for in a man. As he cares for his mother, so he will extend that same care to you. Just know he can't be in too places and once and accept this with a grain of salt.. you're being a bit selfish.

[Asker]

I do see these good traits in him, but at the same time wonder will he put me and our potential kids second? And his brother is kinda a loser who can't hold a steady job and is immature and I don't think it's right that he pays for his brother's mistakes all the time. I get the mother more, but the brother deal pisses me the fuck off.

[ihateheroicleishin]

Let it run it's course. He'll begin to be busy with your children, and therefore have less time to make up for his brother. Ultimately patterns will have to change to adapt.

[ProbablyTooMature]

Unless he goes to her for permission for stuff, don't think too much of it. If I lived near my mom I would probably see her just about every day too. Though I don't know that I'd leave you alone to go talk to her, but with time that might change.

[ProbablyTooMature]

Eh, supporting her seems excessive. She's an adult, she should be supporting herself and living within her own means.

[Cosytoasty]

So, all you care about is him getting the house and his 'good salary'?

[Asker]

No. I'm saying he has the means to make it alone so is it bad he's with her?

[Cosytoasty]

Well, his mother is alone, she no longer has a husband. If he is an only child then she is literally all she has left in the world. Cut the guy some slack, he's not doing anything out of the ordinary.

[Asker]

There's a few other siblings one of the sons lives in her apartment she has a few bedrooms in it.

[AmeerX]

It is not about independence, if you couldn't see him with his mother what will he think of you if he found out. Never think like it is a wrong thing, instead praise him and actually try to get close to his mother as well

[AmeerX]

Still please desist and don't come between them just embrace it that you are part of their family and not think of her as an outsider at all.

[AlwaysBelieving]

By this, I don't think you two should be dating. I don't think it's a matter of him being too close to his mom, it's more of a "am I comfortable with him doing this?"

By the question, I don't think you are.

[Anonymous]

you're experiencing jealousy. This is normal especially when there's competition between mummy and girlfriend. In other words you feel inferior because he's always seeing his mother but he may be inconsistent with you. That's normal but he's not doing anything wrong. And sorry to say if u make him choose u will lose.
A man only has one mother. A man can have many partners. Plus his mum is alone and old. Kinda harsh not to see her and u both benefit because she does stuff for you both.

[fauchelevent]

Nah, I think that that's fine. Seeing his mother once a day is kinda sweet.

[Winter_Storm_Guy]

When they put their mom first this is what you got to deal with.
My opinion is you better second think this relationship.

[Omar5881]

Only an ungrateful bitch wouldn't be close to his mom , you aren't a good person if you want him to give less attention to his mom

[19magic]

Unless your mum's a bitch herself

[scooogy]

He's definitely too close. My little brother still lives with my mother, and he kinda just hangs out with her

[TheBigGiantHead900]

Yes he will always put his mom first aka mama's boy. 2 choices
1) learn that his mom will always come first in his life no matter what you say or do.
2) move on because it will not get any better.

[Anonymous]

He's a mommas boy n puts his family first, that is going to be a hard thing to change, and it will happen all the time even if u think it's over. so you can say something but good luck...

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a mummy's boy who needs the apron strings cutting.
By the time I was 21 I had 3 houses and 5 businesses.

[Sabretooth]

it's only natural he and his mother would be close with that being the only parent he still has.

[j8k322597]

are you really jealous of his mother?

[Boomer_Can]

Actually, no one's too close to their mother.

[Cyhhgg]

Actually, this isn't even remotely true.

[Anonymous]

no, your overreacting.

[Zopaba]

TIL kids can't be friends with their parents

[SuitAndTie]

I don't think so. I think you're overreacting.

[baabyput]

Watch out 😐 really

[es20490446e]

Not a big problem.