How do open relationships work? Is this toxic?

[Anonymous]

It feels really odd to me that I just met this guy and he seems really into me but says he never sees himself being monogamous. The first date was really emotionally vulnerable. I spoke about a lot of trauma and he held me, told me I was strong, kissed my forehead.

I said I didn't think I could do an open relationship and he posed several "pitches" to try to get me to see him again.

He texts me often, wants to talk on the phone and wants to go on dates. He seems very kind and everything i would want in a relationship. He treats me like we are in a relationship already and he seems very open emotionally.

My experience with guys who want things casual are fuck boys, playing games, not showing any interest and just wanting sex.

I'm really confused.

Can someone explain if this is normal for someone who wants an open relationship? I don't understand it.

[silvermoon84]

The last guy who said this to me also told me that he’s not a traditional person when it comes to relationships. This was back in 2021, fast forward two years later he’s in a relationship with a woman and posting all over facebook how much he loved her and he recently became engaged to her.

To be fair, we knew each other when we were younger and he didn’t believe in traditional relationships then either. We reconnected in 2021 and I made a wrong assumption that he changed his mind since then and caught feelings. That’s why we had the conversation, so I moved on. He’s now going the traditional route and just proposed to a woman he’s been in a relationship for a year.

I know I might sound jealous but I’m really not. I’m seeing someone myself who I really like and I hope we make it official soon. I only mentioned him as an anecdote to prove my point.

If a man says this to you, it’s because he’s attracted to you and likes you enough to keep you around, but not enough to commit. Don’t make my mistake and think that one day he’ll grow up and change his mind about committing. Sometimes they do, but those are exceptions. Most of the time we’re not the exception, we’re the rule. I was the rule. I know it hurts, but know your worth and let him go. He’ll commit and give up the open relationship thing when he falls in love, and I’m sorry to tell you he’s not in love with you. Someone else will be, but you have to let him go first.

Anyway, I’ll get off my soapbox now, but you deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Idc what anyone says — open relationships aren't real, you’re either committed to someone or you are not. Where is the commitment when your partner is out doing god knows what with god knows who? The fact that he comes home to you afterwards? Having a title? What good is the title when he can’t commit to what it entails?


You shouldn’t talk yourself into going along with things that you know morally and realistically make no sense. Notice how he has his boundary in place (aka he doesn’t see himself being monogamous again) and is willing to uphold it by any means. Whether it’s with manipulation or coercion, underneath all the hugs, kisses and sweet talk it’s either his way or the highway. Then here you are, knowing full well that you don’t want an open relationship (that is YOUR boundary) yet you’re adjusting your standards to accommodate his. Stop doing that, it is never ever that serious to have a man and idc how much potential you think you see. He is willing to drop you if you won’t participate in his BS, and you should have that same energy no matter what.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, if a guy doesn’t want a relationship but he’s putting in effort with you then that is about sex. This isn’t a change of heart and honestly you shouldn’t be getting your hopes up hoping that’ll happen. Right now you have a crush on him at best, it is way easier to walk away now vs investing more time, catching more feelings and being utterly heartbroken by yet another man. You’ve already been traumatized don’t walk right into opportunity for it to happen again.

[Nikki1989]

I have been in one for 5 years. Yes, they are real. FFS!

[Opinion Owner]

So what do you get from it Nikki? Having a man to lay next to you at night? A title? I’d love to understand the logic behind being in a relationship without commitment.

[Opinion Owner]

Put simply — what is the point?

[incorrected]

Open relationships aren't real. They're just playing you to get something out of you. Usually if it's the guy who wants that then you're just a sex toy like all the other women he's telling the same crap. If it's a woman wanting it, generally speaking the guy is just a provider and/or emotional tampon, and she's getting her bedroom fun elsewhere, usually with the badboys or "chads" she can't lock down but excite her. It's total BS and it's basically always toxic.

[Zack-Bann]

His own fear of commitment.
The idea of closing the door on potentially finding someone better than you


Don’t agree to it.


If he cares enough he’ll try monogamy it won’t kill him.


I used to be like that until I realized that it was just a coping mechanism so that I can shut people out without feeling guilty

[Agape93]

How it works with mine is simple. If you're jealous or monogamous, we won't be together period. But everyone involved meets everyone involved, and gives their blessing if it's ok. If good, then we get tested for any stds. If clean, we're good to go

[Nikki1989]

Damn, it couldn't be easier. If you can't make an open work, you probably shouldn't be in a regular relationship either.

[serious]

Yes of course open relationships are toxic and unhealthy.

[shortster]

They don't, it is basically saying it is okay to cheat. If you want to engage in polyamory; you should do it in a very structured way.

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest, it's a relationship where they want to spend time with one person and want to have sex with as many people as possible.

I don't think it's for you

[jahaims]

They don't