Can focusing on career lead to complete avoidance?

[luxia_lua]

I recently dated this guy, 7 years younger than me. At first I was iffy about the age difference, but our instant connection made me feel otherwise. Everything was perfect. Great conversations & always had fun in each other presence. He even treated me like a queen, a pure & utter gentleman to me. I was so impressed…
Him being a union firefighter on top of a construction worker, his career suddenly demanded him to take on a handful of courses, both osha & emt training, and maybe a few more. I understood his need to focus and that he said he wouldn’t be able to give me the time I deserved. But it felt like an abrupt rug pull. Just days before he was promising me he would never hurt me, I wouldn’t have to face hard times alone etc (my father currently has months left within his cancer journey). I’ve been so guarded with myself and haven’t let anyone in, but him, he made me feel so safe. Which was a big leap for me. When he told me he had to pull away I was distraught completely, I cried a lot. But ultimately understood, but yet I wanted him to know that I would genuinely be interested in waiting for him..
Next time I ran into him on Valentine’s Day it was like he was completely avoiding me, which took me back even more. I talked to him bc I didn’t see why we still couldn’t be friends. He kept reiterating how busy he was and how this process could take 6months to a year.. he invited me to hang with his friends but even then he kept physically distancing himself from me.
I don’t understand what the needs for such distancing or avoidance. Is this normal? It’s hurt me a lot as I opened up so much to him, vulnerability is hard for me, and the reassurance he gave me felt so real. I decided to stop contact with him, after I cried to him on valentines night. He said he would text me eventually, wiped my tears, and that he was done speaking for now. I’m respecting his space, but I genuinely don’t understand how it went from perfection to absolutely nothing.

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa, that sounds like a really heavy and confusing situation. I can understand why you're feeling so hurt and frustrated. When things go from being so perfect to a complete 180 like that, it's totally understandable to be left wondering what the heck happened.

From what you've described, it seems like this guy's career and work demands just completely took over. Being a firefighter and construction worker on top of all that extra training is no joke. It's gotta be super intense and time-consuming. So in that sense, I can see why he felt the need to pull back and really focus on that.

But the way he's been avoiding and distancing himself from you is definitely concerning. The whole "I'll text you eventually" thing is just so vague and unsatisfying. It almost makes it seem like he's using his work as an excuse to just cut you out completely.

I don't know if this is necessarily "normal" behavior, but it does happen sometimes when people get overwhelmed with other priorities. They end up pushing away the people they care about, even if it's not what they really want.

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. If this constant avoidance and uncertainty is just too much to handle, then taking a step back might be the healthiest thing. It sucks, but you can't force someone to make you a priority if they're not willing to.

My advice would be to give him some space, like you're doing, but also don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. If he eventually reaches out, be honest about how his behavior has affected you. See if he's willing to put in the effort to rebuild that trust and connection. But don't feel obligated to wait around for him either.

You deserve someone who's going to treat you with the love and respect you've shown this guy. Don't be afraid to walk away if this situation isn't working for you. Focus on your own healing and growth. The right person will come along when the time is right. Hang in there, girl.

[Purpleronnie]

It’s clear you were farm more emotionally invested in him than he was in you. Perhaps his detachment has to do with the value and or priority he has placed on his career and training and that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you just that he may need the other for himself more.
There is little anyone can say that will help you stop hurting but my view is that you shouldn’t further guard yourself or protect yourself because of what’s happened. Reading between the lines I think you may have a tendency like many to do this !
You didn’t do anything wrong and you will absolutely get over this and move on. This is my view was perhaps right guy wrong timing if you even agree that’s a thing

[luxia_lua]

Yeah wrong timing is what I’m choking it up too. It just the discarding and avoidance that makes me hurt. He was definitely emotionally invested, always wanting to see me, planning all the dates, making promises for the future. Didn’t let me drive, pay, open doors, etc. Would wait for me to get out of work (12-1am) to get food with me/make sure I ate. He displayed more interest in me than I did through this bc I was anxious to even having feelings. But yet I was always very affectionate regardless. Once I started displaying my interest, it’s when he hit me with the ‘gotta back out and focus’ and since then he’s just been avoiding me, distancing himself greatly and even removed me on a few social media platforms. He’s a customer at my bar and he’s even avoided coming on my shifts which was his regular weekly routine. Like we can still be friends?

[Purpleronnie]

Yeah. On second thoughts the avoidance is indefensible isn’t it and it needs explaining. From being so attentive , supportive and obviously winning your affections to the point of you developing feelings to then complete coldness is such a shift.. it leaves me thinking “ well which version of him is real “ ? I feel for you , you / nobody deserves that treatment. I’m stuck at what reasons he could possibly have to distance himself like that and not even communicate

[Anonymous]

So many fails in the one post, I don't know where to start.

Just move on.

[Avicenna]

That's not normal. You should move on.

[Jhon_Cobretti]

I don't know my lady. The top 1% men that most women want are gravitating heavily towards homemaker types and not career oriented girl bosses.. because.. why not?

[luxia_lua]

This is about his career.. not mine. I am the homemaker type

[Jhon_Cobretti]

I was tipsy

[In_Trance]

Of course