Should I just settle?

[Anonymous]

I'm 30 years old. I have been online dating since 20. Never found a relationship because I just never found a guy I liked. Maybe on 3-4 occasions I did find someone I could potentially fall in love with, but long story short, nothing has ever worked out. He would have the right personality, but bad character and share no long-term values. OR he could be the perfect man but just married and old OR too short. Sometimes I would like him, but he wouldn't like me back. I've only liked funny guys. I can't fall for any other type of guy. But very few funny guys exist in this world so My options are super limited.

The search was exhausting. For a while, I gave up on dating, thinking that I just would probably never find the right person for the rest of my life. But the past several years, it hit me hard that this type of life was just the pure definition of misery. It is hard as hell to find someone to go on vacation with, it is hard as well to eat alone at restaurants 95% of the time, it is hard as hell to spend the worst years of my life without anyone to talk to or give me a hug. Worst of all, I am terrified, I will die in solitude, all alone with barely anyone to talk to, the same way I always had been my entire life. I can't imagine living this way for the rest of my life, begging for friends who just come and go.

Friends become harder to make as you get older.

So, my question is... should I just lower my standards to find someone? Drop my funny requirement, marry a man I love, but just not head over heels in love with? There is a difference between loving someone versus being in love with them. I just can't imagine finding someone I can fall in love with. Nobody has what I need. But then, I'm also dreading spending the rest of my life in solitude and begging people to be my friend for the rest of my life.

[Screenwriter]

If you lower your standards, you will regret it in the long run.

You need to be looking in different places. Online is littered with screwballs. Use Meetups. You can find people with similar interests, make friends, and from friends you can be introduced to people your friends might think you'd like.

This is a much safer way to meet new people. If you attend a church, see who goes there. Volunteer to do activities with nature groups, fundraising groups for causes important to you, attend book readings, historic society readings on the history of your area.

There are SO many ways to meet people in person who have similar interests and who might be enjoyable to be around. You don't need to JUST be focused on dating. Find out about people in person long before you get to the dating square.

Gives you time to find out about a person BEFORE you waste time dating them. Volleyball groups, softball groups, flag football groups, kite flying, sailing, and more. Meetups are in every city. Find out what's near you. Good luck.

[Asker]

VOLLEYBALL, KITE, FLYING, SAILING GROUPS ARE NOT MATING GROUPS.

IM SO SICK OF HEARING OF PEOPLE USING THESE AS PLACES TO DATE.

[Screenwriter]

I did NOT say they are places to date. I specifically said they are places to MEET PEOPLE, and in meeting people, you might find FRIENDS who can introduce you to people they think you MIGHT like to date.

ANd since you're making new FRIENDS, those people are invested in your progress and happiness. Such people often can introduce you to others who might be datable.

This is a SAFER WAY TO MEET PEOPLE TO DATE, because you are being introduced by friends.

Online dating is BLIND DATING. Meetups is an indirect way to meet a broad swath of people with similar interests. It takes longer but is a good investment of your time.

In addition, there is even a Meetup for people interested in dating. Don't know if this exists in all areas, but I saw it in my area. However, AGAIN, this is just as blind dating as online dating.

I'm trying to offer you an alternative to that. If you don't see the logic of this, then don't do it. And until you join several of these types of groups, how can you say making friends doesn't lead to meeting partners?

It's the only way I've met good people. Friends of friends.

And if nothing else, what's bad about making more food friends. Good luck.

[Asker]

@screenwriter

Im not saying you are wrong about meeting a husband through mutual friends but out of all the meetup groups and socials I have been to. Most of them aren't comprised of attractive people but rather unattractive people. I go on meetup. com or craigslist for my meetups. It just seems like its 95% less attractive people who tend to go to these places.

Friendships also take a ton of work. Meeting up once a week is already a huge time commitment since I work and go to school full time. I would be lucky if I got my laundry done on time. Thats why i want to settle. Im exhausted from searching. All through my 20s, i did online dating. It took me a long time to realize that online dating is only for people who absolutely cannot get anyone in real life. Met a lot of scumbags, subpar people, unwedable types, wasted a lot of time.

The reason why settling leads to regrets is because people dont know how to settle. Certain things such as ethics, bad character, laziness, you cannot settle for. If you lower your standards for these aspects, yes, you will regret it

When people settle, they also forget to lower their expectations. If you married a less attractive man, dont expect the hottest sex. Dont get sad when you see a hot guy hit on you yet you can't flirt with him back.

But at my age 30, I am totally exhausted from the search. I dont know how much energy I have left to keep looking. I can't imagine continuing looking for the next 10 years

[Screenwriter]

It sounds like you don't have enough TIME right now to RELAX and casually look. You're working full time AND going to school. Of course you're exhausted and your history seems to be full of disappointment in the dating area.

I think if you dial it back and concentrate on making sound friendships, which DO take a time investment, but will be supportive and last, whereas general dating may fail at your one goal: partnership.

I don't think you have the time to work on a long-term relationship right now. You appear to want to rush to the goal, so you're not enjoying the journey.

If you don't have time to meet or make friends and socialize once a week, how do you think you're going to date?

I don't see settling as satisfying. Often, you don't find pretty, high-end people but they give you something else. It isn't a waste of time if you find out what you DO NOT want.

Just because someone doesn't look like Tim Chalamet or Brad Pitt doesn't mean you can't have hot sex with them. You can always flirt with people, married or not. Flirting is just play.

I think you do not have the time to relax and enjoy the journey. You want to bum rush to the goal.

I think you find people when you aren't looking hard. You're living your life, you have enough time to get the laundry done and watch a TV show and have a coffee date and enjoy yourself.

The fact that you say you're exhausted is telling. You are looking too hard, and have become desperate. What is the desperation about? SLow your roll and do less. You don't have a lot of free time anyway. Parse it out carefully. You'll meet fewer people, but I bet the quality will be higher and you'll be more relaxed and happy, no matter what the outcome is.

[Asker]

Not looking hard is when I just prefer not to go out to meet people.
why would I spend my weekends going to bars , parties, group classes, if I can just stay home and watch tv while enjoying a pie of nice pizza? Trust me, if I were to not look or not put any effort in, this would be what I'd be doing. I wouldn't be trying to talk to anyone.

The reason why I have to look right now is because I want to date before my dating pool shrinks dramatically by the time I turn 40. Dating doesn't get better as you get older. Soon, I will be forced to pick a husband out of a pool of old, saggy, aging uncles or grandpas. By this point, I wouldn't even want to date.

I don't want to look hard. But at my age, I have to. I don't have forever

[Screenwriter]

I think you can have your pizza and meet people too. There's a happy medium. You don't have forever, but you still have plenty of time. You will never be forced to pick a SO from any subpar group. WHy don't you find a counselor to discuss this with to give you new ideas about this search.

You need a fresh perspective from someone who is a relationship specialist. All you do is pooh pooh what I have to say. You're in a rut about this and very negative.

Ask your primary care doctor about the name of a counselor to discuss some personal issues...

[Asker]

Everyone will have some sort of personal issue at some stage of life. Especially in an age where most people have money problems, are divorced and lonely, aging or dying alone, raising kids as a single mother, or husband isn't helping out around the house. There is no such thing as a life where there are no stressors or problems or mental issue of some sort.

But a woman's child bearing years aren't endless. And I don't feel like dating old, saggy, uncles or grandpas by the time I hit 40. Dating years are best while you are young.

[Screenwriter]

Of course everyone has issues. This age is not different than any age. People ALWAYS have money problems, divorce and loneliness, aging, single parent, spouse isn't helping at home issues, dying alone... .

None of this is new. However, you can reduce stressors, take care of mental health and problems you're going through by seeking counseling help. OR, you can do nothing and complain.

I think seeking help is your best foot forward. Ask your primary care doctor about getting such help.

[Asker]

@screenwriter

I know I won't have money problems, this is why I choose to work so hard in school. In 2 years, I can make 190k.

Seeking help does nothing , hun. This is coming from someone who has been suffering from abuse, bullying, trauma for 15 years. Therapy just helps you survive day to day life without drowning, it will never be a cure for anything. Real cure is removing toxic people out of your life, improving the amount of control you have over your life.

[Zack-Bann]

You shouldn’t look at it as settling


For starters “settling” by definition implies that you could have done much better but chose not to


From what you’re saying that hasn’t been the case for 10 years


Second, all you’re doing is broadening your horizons.
Because a guy who might seem average on paper might be more thoughtful and smart and compassionate than 1000 self absorbed rich kids with a 6 pack or whatever your “type” might be


In general I would advise against having a “type” to begin with.
The grocery list of requirements only ever hurts the person who clings to it.
Because no one owes you love and affection the same way you don’t owe it to anyone.
Which leaves chance meetings and mutual attraction on the table, and a list will just kill that

[Makeushiver]

I'm truly fucking funny. I don't know any jokes-it's not funny like that & don't even really think that is funny, it's canned, pre-recorded etc. but if you want quick on the fly humor by a different perspective, funny. Plus, I give really good head.

[Ironic_Method]

Of all the requirements to settle for, do NOT drop the sense of humor. My wife and I are convinced that's what makes our marriage so wonderful. I make her laugh all throughout the day, everyday.

[Asker]

how many guys can make me laugh? literally 0. if he can make me laugh, he may not be marriage material in other ways. making someone laugh isn't everything

[Ironic_Method]

Seeing your comments here... I think everyone else can understand what is happening.

[Asker]

Thats just your own perception of what is going on. Nobody else shares your perception

[Jay-_-]

Yes settle, but listen don't stress yourself out there's always someone out there, you don't need to beg for friends, just show up.

[Asker]

clearly you have never tried making friends. No friend will ever care for you like spouse would

[Jay-_-]

I've never tried making friends? Haha...
Clearly you don't know me 😂 but you say whatever you want cutie... LMAO

[Asker]

taking advice from a 19 yr old kid.

[Jay-_-]

Yet you are having more social issues than me and you are? How old? 😂 clearly you can't make friends cause of attitude issues.

[Jay-_-]

Don't blame the people if it's always like this maybe it's not the people... It's you.

[Jay-_-]

All because I'm not a couple years older, let me tell you something "smart one" all those years you spent partying and "living your life" i chose to work, observe and learn, I'm not no snotty nosed kid but you think what you want.

[Asker]

because you are way too young to realize that making friends gets harder as you get older.
you're only 19, of course it is easy to make friends.
i see you as someone who hasn't even begun life yet.

[Jay-_-]

I only have 3 friends that I consider brothers, that's all I need, and you are too old to be this ignorant.

[Asker]

@jay-_

I have been 19 at one point too so I know what it is like to be your age. One word: clueless

[Jay-_-]

As I grow, the less I want "friends" theirs a difference, I reject people, we aren't the same we lived 2 different childhoods.

[Asker]

I'm going to tell you, you haven't begun life yet.
Come back and read this by the time you are 30, you will completely understand what I mean

[Jay-_-]

For you to assume we lived the same childhood shows how ignorant you truly are.

[Asker]

@jay-_

a clueless person who knows nothing because he has never truly lived, has no right to call other people ignorant.

you need to have lived life in order to have experience and wisdom

[Jay-_-]

Like I said, I am not and won't ever be you. Not now and not when I grow, I've experienced enough things as a child, some things not even a 40 year old man would experience, I'm not saying I have nothing left to learn because everyone in life always has something to learn, but i won't let an ignorant woman tell me what I know I've been through and what I have not

[Asker]

@jay-_

because making friends as a child is completely different from making friends as a 40 yr old.

you have never tried making friends as an older person.

this is why you don't know the difference.

you have never lived.

just a kid with a butt hurt ego

[Jay-_-]

Yet I have friends older than you

[Jay-_-]

Friends who I've worked with as well, the only one hurt here is you.

[Jay-_-]

You have zero wisdom if you think wisdom comes with age, wisdom comes with experience.

[Asker]

@jay-_

no sane, adult with a decent head on his shoulders would want to be friends with a 18-19 yr old kid. thats just the truth...

you have no idea why because you're just a big kid.

[Asker]

[You have zero wisdom if you think wisdom comes with age, wisdom comes with experience.]

Not all older people have wisdom. But definitely most older people wisdom.

And wisdom, definitely does not come from big kids who has never truly lived.

[Jay-_-]

You don't know what I've lived or experienced which is where I come to a beautiful conclusion you are an ignorant "woman" who is giving a really bad rep to your age of women who I also converse with and they aren't nearly half as ignorant as you are.

[Asker]

@jay-_

i see you as just a big kid who is butt hurt because other people won't take his crappy useless advice.

listen kid, you know nothing. quit trying to teach other people when you know nothing

[Jay-_-]

Me telling you not to stress yourself out is bad advice? listen ma'am seems like you need to wake up out of your know it all bullcrap and really listen instead of seeing a number that's lower than yours.

[Jay-_-]

Congrats you came out the womb earlier, still doesn't change you are ignorant by definition.

[Jay-_-]

You quite literally know nothing, you don't even know 0.00001% about me I love how you said "I have been 19 at one point too so.." implying you were an idiot at 19 apparently... Thanks for that glimpse of your life but that doesn't apply here, sorry to burst your bubble.

[Asker]

@jay-_

Im sorry. I know you're pissed but nothing is gonna change my mind

[Jay-_-]

I don't need your validation, I'm not pissed. You think you are superior or something don't you.. 😂

[BarryLiverstone]

Nope don’t settle. But yes work harder at having friends, and talking to new people when you are out doing things you like to do

[Asker]

im tired of chasing friendships that never last.

[BarryLiverstone]

Life is tiring, but keep going. And yes when a friend isn’t acting like a friend anymore trim them off

[Asker]

im not willing to live an exhausted burn out life begging for friendships that never last. its a vicious cycle. its just not worth it.

[BarryLiverstone]

Your choice. Get used to restaurants by yourself or you can order takeout

[Asker]

thats a life of misery. having no one to talk to, no one to celebrate things with, no one to give you a hug during the worst years of your life, no one to help you when you need it. that all sucks...
sure you can try to rely on your UNRELIABLE friends... but they're unreliable.
Once they meet a boyfriend or get married, they will disappear overnight

[Anonymous]

No. He doesn't deserve that.

[Babebytheshore85]

Lmfaooooo 😂