What ever happened to going on a real date?

Question

It's been coming more apparent to me that less and less guys take women out on real dates. By real date I mean picking her up, going to her door, taking her flowers or something (that part is if you really like the girl), going to dinner, getting somewhat dressed up to impress the other person, where the guy opens her car door, etc. Something that at the end of the night there's the potential of a second date, of actually going out again; not just "hanging out."

I personally have never been on a real date like this, and I've found that this is becoming a common occurrence.

So what's up guys? Do you take girls out on, "real dates," or just opt for the, "hanging out?

Ladies, what's your experience with this? What are your thoughts?

PsychedelicZebra · Accepted Answer

I'd say the main reason that there are less "real dates" as you describe them is because society has changed and the standard for a "real date" has changed.

Off the top of my head, here are a few examples based on the points you raised:

"By real date I mean picking her up, going to her door" - a guy will usually do this if he's already seen the girl a couple times. It's less usual now when you start dating, because girls are more cautious of strangers or people they meet online, so they're usually more comfortable meeting somewhere neutral rather than having a potential stalker guy know where they live right away.

"taking her flowers or something (that part is if you really like the girl)" - I'd say this is still pretty common, as you say if you really like the girl. Again, though, not usually on the first couple of dates as most girls feel it's too soon, or they feel like you are expecting more before you've even had your first date.

"going to dinner, getting somewhat dressed up to impress the other person" - Nowadays the consensus is that dinner dates are not good early on, because they are very formal, and they leave more room for uncomfortable silences than say the zoo, where there's always something to talk about. Plus, if you decide you don't like the person, you're trapped for 2 hours versus 30 minutes with a coffee date.

"where the guy opens her car door" - Many believe that chivalry is dead. I do this and most girls appreciate it, but some take it as a sign the guy is trying to hard. Plus, with remote car door locks, the tradition of "unlocking the lady's door first" has been killed with technology. Back in the day, a guy would unlock the girls door and let her in, and it was a test if she liked him as if she did, she'd lean over and unlock his door while he walked around.

"Something that at the end of the night there's the potential of a second date, of actually going out again; not just 'hanging out.' " - This is strategy. Asking a girl for a "date" puts a lot more pressure on her than "hanging out." If a stranger approached you and you talked for 2 minutes, are you more likely accept his invitation to "grab a coffee after class" or "take you out on a date this evening." Most girls don't like to hear the word date right away, because it means you're not interested in being their friend, and besides if you're taken then "hanging out" leaves the door open for friendship.

Anyway I'm writing too much, it was an interesting question I suppose. Most of what you say is still done, but speaking for guys, it's a big investment to do all these things right away in modern dating. Most women aren't accustomed to it, and the fact is that the world is a smaller place now and we have opportunities to meet people everywhere. There's less of a drive to try too hard to impress a girl early, as people have higher expectations now and usually decide if they want to see you again on the first date.

WeaponZero · Accepted Answer

typically unless I know the woman really well I would nix the idea of having him pick you up. there's a certain lack of forethought that goes into letting a guy who is still mostly a stranger know where it is you live and I have a profound respect for women for exercise that judgment and secretly actually look for it in women. intelligence is key. do not jeopardize safety and practicality in the name of appealing to your sense of romanticism. the second a woman does in the beginning I instantly lose all respect for her.

that being said, hanging out is just a date, just in a more casual setting. personally I dislike going to any place or event that I have to dress up for. I hate having to wear a suit or even a button-up shirt. it makes me feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not and puts me on guard, not a good thing when on a date. if the setting calls for anything more dressy than jeans, sneakers, and a polo shirt, you can count me out because regardless of the company I certainly won't be enjoying myself.

also, when it comes to flowers, I fail to see the point. I mean they die soon after, they serve no function, they just scream "i wanna get laid!" and that's not my goal. I reserve the gift giving for later on, after I've actually found out what she does and doesn't like. I don't believe in things that are purely decorative so the gifts I got her would be ones that actually served a practical function. I have a hard time shopping for anything else because I myself don't attach emotional or sentimental value to physical objects and I don't believe in things that exist solely for aesthetic purposes, so I can't really put my mind in the perspective of someone who does.

here's the thing. I'm not looking for casual fun or for sex. I'm looking for a girlfriend. so the whole "come as you are" thing is important to me because I'm not trying to impress the girl, I'm trying to give her the opportunity to get to know me for who I really am for compatibility's sake. and I'm trying to find out whether or not she's compatible with me. and if she pretends to be someone she's not for the sake of impressing me (which is exactly what she's doing when she takes extra measures preparing that she doesn't normally take, or is on guard) then she's denying me the tools I need to find out whether or not she's compatible.

so you see, a date and hanging out are the same thing. the question is what are your goals? to find a long term relationship? or to ensure a second date by pretending to be someone you're not just to impress?

candlewax · Accepted Answer

On both sides, I think it's more of a comfort thing. "Date" has so much loaded meaning behind it. DUN DUN DUN OH SO SRS! The pressure's on!

Have you noticed that many people replace dating with "just talking?" I had someone explain to me one day that "just talking" meant hanging out but no sex. So you're dating. "No, it's not dating. Just talking." ...when did all this get so complicated?

These poor kids were raised with serious misconceptions about dating and relating and I'm beginning to think many people are just socially retarded about it.

However, it is understandable to an extent. When you have a more laid back environment with no official, serious title, you can be yourself and not feel like you're on an interview for a potential relationship.

I've always seen it as hanging out being a precursor to dating. I don't feel comfortable going out with someone that I barely know. There are so many undercover creepers and weirdos out there, I'd rather get to know them a bit better first before going on something like a date. But this'd apply to someone I'd talked to maybe twice, as opposed to someone I knew a bit better and had known for a little longer. Jumping straight to date status wouldn't be a problem.

But actual dating is nice and definitely wins brownie points when all the chivalry is demonstrated. Not necessary, but definitely a bonus if the guy has enough social grace to do so. People are such rude douchebags anymore that it's shocking when a guy holds a door or opens it for you.

Remember, society is slowly becoming more socially and emotionally stunted. Think of how many issues arise from Facebook, how many people prefer to talk via text/Facebook, break up via text, etc. Not much face to face. Because there's less ACTUAL social interaction, people are getting rather timid and naive about these things. It's all very passive aggressive.

Summer-Sun · Accepted Answer

I went on a date yesterday, I picked him up cause he doesn't have a car at the moment, we went out into the countryside for the day, had a walk around and had some food... I've never been on a date like that before, and it was fun... it was so much more relaxed than the "getting dressed up" sort of date, which I enjoyed.

With my last boyfriend it was always the typical date you described and I love that, but sometimes I did feel like I couldn't relax because I was a bit uncomfortable, with this guy yesterday he was laid back and honest about his approac to dating... he said there is no point doing something you don't feel comfortable with, and he likes the whole winning and dinning a girl, but wouldn't do that unless he really liked the girl and thought it was going somewhere, which is fair enough.

I just think everyone is different, each to there own etc... I would be happy hanging out with someone or going out for meal, its more about the company and wether you "click" that matters more than what you do... However, some girls I know are so picky about dates, one girl was shocked that this guy took her to "Frankie and Bennys" which in the uk is an American style diner (quite laid back), and after that she wouldn't go on another date with him :/ which I thought was a bit harsh! Everyone is different xx

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I really like real dates.

I never had been on a date before until recently, but the guy treated me perfect. He would pull out a chair for me when we went for a dinner, he paid everything, when it started raining he held the umbrella for me, he brought me home right to my door.

And like that we went on several more dates, and finally we just hang out around his or mine house. But I think the dates really made a good impression of him on me, and now that I know him better, he is just as gentlemanly as he was on our dates, we're just more intimate now because we're both shy to be intimate in public.

I really think if a guy wants to impress a girl he should take her out on a 'real' date like you described here. But I think if a guy is a good guy he'll do that (:

But I don't know about you, but in my country guys never take girls out on dates. They only hang out. But since I'm from a different culture/country and so is my boyfriend, he did take me out on a real date which I really liked (:

ElijahCynicism · Answer

It bothered me that the poll left no room for girls to say that they've taken their guys out on real dates.

Me and my ex-girlfirned, which was a very serious relationship, planned 'real dates' as you call them - going to the cinema, to resturaunts, cafes, etc. very frequently. I'd do a whole thing where I'd take us to a restaurant and get her a big fancy meal with a starter and a dessert, and we'd go and rent a movie and I'd arrange a taxi to pick us up and take us back to my place and watch it there in bed and, you know... THE REST.

And I loved nights like that. She would usually pay for half of it, because she insisted on it, but in the later half of the relationship I would have to sneak her out and pretend we were going for a pizza or some sh*t, so she couldn't bring money to pay for it. So I paid. And I wouldn't let her pay me back, hehe.

And all that sounds like a wonderful romantic gesture and lah-de-dah, but I never saw it that way. I'm restaurant culture, I'm 'big night on the town' scene, and I wanted to give her a flake of my life as she gave me a flake of hers. Most days we 'hung out', sitting around the back-alleys of her estate talking life and love and past and future and telling each other long drawn-out interpersonal stories and kissing against SUVs and on the sills of burnt-out buildings while I tried to get my hand up her shirt. And that was HER idea of a date, and some of my most special times with her were spent that way.

So BY THE WAY, QA. If you want a boy who always takes you to hang out to take you to a restaurant, why don't you take him?

kairon156 · Answer

Some people have used equality as their excuse of not going on "real dates" I agree with allot of "equality" and they are more with men shouldn't be the only ones working in the relationship, But when it comes to dating guys have to 1 up the next guy and show the her we can treat her better than the others and be there for her when it counts.

the reason I believe people hang out is probably a mixture of it's less stressful, it's easier to ask someone to hang out with you than would you go on a date.

some guys recently feel they don't have to treat girls specially because they hear equal rights and say what about me. In turn when allot of girls are no longer going on a real date their view on men change and their responsibilities so the bar for how they should be treated is lowered.When other men see that girls are accepting the change in social relationships they don't feel they have to put in the effort of setting up a real date so they opt for the hang out option.

I'm not saying this is true for all guys/girls but I say a good 75%-80% it is.

GoodManDave · Answer

I haven't gotten to a point where there are that many women around me; those that are, are usually unavailable. Many of the women I meet are more like girls in how they act and treat others, which I have no interest in dating girls.

I usually opt for the semi casual first "mini-date" and see if things progress. I so rarely go on even the "mini dates" because of too many variables, and that there's not enough time or flirting in that time to be motivated to ask her out.

I think many women freak out at the concept of the date; at least, they tend to with me. There could be reasons why, not even really about me; to try and keep this response shorter, let's just say I believe dating has kind of fizzled in place of casual hookups and hanging out. I would love to do dates, but that's not in the cards right now.

Oh, and I'm a fairly "thoughtful" guy. I may not put my coat on a puddle so a girl can step through it, but I usually hold doors open, I usually stand up when a girl approaches (if on a date); I move the chairs for them, that sort of thing. I don't do it to impress girls, but girls don't seem to notice or care. I think a lot of guys stopped doing that stuff because of the lack of appreciation, the general change in teaching certain things in westernized culture, whatever, but it happens. If you don't use a skill, you can get rusty after a while of not using it.

Part of me hates "hanging out." Part of me really does want to try "friends" first, but while leaving options open for a little while. However, most girls/women in my area seem to claim the same thing, then put people into little categories right away. The hang out can be a double edged sword.

recniabsal · Answer

In this day and age, women want equality. Women are usually the one who makes the choice out of a group of guys they want and that's unfair. So I'm one of those guys that takes a girl on a date, but I don't shine their shoes, open their door, or take em a flower (especially on a first date). A lot of girls get pushed away by that old school style. If a girl wants me, she'll want me for being myself. Not for acting like a 50's genteman and doing everything so the woman doesn't have to lift a finger.

NothingGoldCanStay · Answer

People are a lot more cynical. Being a cliche usually doesn't score you any points but makes women suspicious of you, you might also be seen as unoriginal. Anyway I do believe in romance but no reason it has to be so traditional. My first date with my ex was me meeting up with her in the city center and taking a metro to the beach with her. It was perfect even though we got lost for an hour and it ended up raining when we got there. I also took her to the restaurant once we were there and paid everything. Anyway overall I think it is just funner to have "hang out" dates rather than so called "real dates" (at least before you really know each other).

drummerdude25 · Answer

I would take a girl out like that... But I'd save the flowers for another occasion/later date.

The funny thing, you say you want to be treated this way, but when the time comes, it most likely would put you off, or freak you out... Chances are you'd come away feeling the guy was weird, or desperate, and you'd probably not want to go out with him again. Happens all the time when the guy is actually thinking about something real and long-term, or really wants to make it work...

Basically it'd kill the attraction, or scare you, or creep you out. This is the exact reason why so many good guys are confused/bitter about women.

dtaijo174 · Answer

Honestly I think it’s girls not respecting themselves.

Guys are going to treat a girl the way she expects it. Guys will crawl through broken glass for women if that is what he thinks he needs to do. However, girls today are willing to get physical without a commitment of any form of relationship and zero dates. So why put in the effort of dating, spending money and extra time into a girl who will give it to you for free.

Girls will also sleep with guys who are known players... So if your background or history doesn't matter, why worry about it? Sleep with as many as you can... there are no repercussions.

I think if you want a real date and want to be treated respectfully, you have to stop giving it away for free. The players will lose interest right away and the guys that respect you for it will gladly take you out. Note: I'm not saying wait till marriage, I'm just saying don't give it up until you dated a guy for some time and he is committed.

DebiPie · Answer

I will tell you exactly what happened to "real dates." But don't get offended and blame me for the truth, here. OK?

Your generation started "hanging out," started "friends with benefits," and "booty calls."

Don't laugh! If you think about these things, why would you ever take a girl out on a "real date?" I sure wouldn't!

Read the questions on here, girls keep asking, "Is this a real date?" "Did he ask me out on a date or not?" H*ll! What is up when you can't even tell if a guy has asked you out or not?

You have to let a man know that you want to go out on a date. If he says let's hang out sometime, you tell him you don't hang out, you go out. You let the man know what you do & don't do. You set yourself up for this stuff.

digital_haze · Answer

Thats how I do dates... pretty much exactly that, minus the flowers, that's weird.

problem is... every time I've done this, its with a girl I REALLY like and would love for something to happen, as in a relationship in the future. Never works out though. Apparently when you do this, you're showing all your cards. So interest and attraction are lost.

I used to think this was total BS... till I did the hangout thing with a couple girls I thought were just cool and wanted to chill with. Guess what... the girls started wanting more after that.

You girls are freakin weird =)

imjustadude · Answer

I didn't take any girls on real dates until I was making serious money and was in my 20's. I would have taken girls out earlier had the right ones said yes, but back when I was in college/high school it was much easier to hang out with a bunch of girls go to McDonald's, $1.50 movies, etc. and see where things went. As you get older, people take dating more seriously. Guys and girls start wanting families, not just play dates and f-buddies.

Keep your expectations for guys high and ask yourself if you are the kind of girl someone besides your dad would be willing to shell out $50 for on a Friday night. If not, become that girl.

Little-Hippie · Answer

Formal courtship is a lot of effort and for a girl that we likely know very little about.

And it's a lot of investment into a situation that may potentially bare no fruits.

Why don't we take girls on "real dates"?

Frankly, because we don't have to.

We can hang out with a girl and get a feel for who she is and what she can offer us before we invest more heavily in her.

Plenty of people who are in relationships go out on formal dates. But to do so at first is far less common these days.

Additionally, upon first meeting a girl, I'm very much unsure if I even really like her enough to take her out. That's what I'm trying to figure out. A fine dinner is a lot of effort just to interview her.

kheserthorpe · Answer

When I was in university, people didn't go on 'dates' much. You socialized in large groups, got to know each other, hung out, fooled around, became a couple.

I married someone from university, but single people I know definitely go on 'dates' though some of them may be more casual then a full evening out. I don't know what you consider "hanging out". To me it sounds like someone hangs out at someone else's place. Single people with decent jobs tend to meet people they don't know that well yet but are 'dating' not just platonic friends with for dates - scheduled time, at a bar, restaurant, etc.

Single people I know who live in the core ... many of them don't have cars and parking is a hassle everywhere, so people don't really drive that much. So I can't comment on that part of things.

I think bringing flowers on an early date is probably a bad move.

Wassup · Answer

I like the whole dinner thing if I have known her for a little. Another problem is that now a days it does seem like you're trying hard when being chivalrous. Plus it's seen as being "nice" instead of being a "GENTLEMAN". Guys don't want to be "nice guys" and most girls don't like them either. It's sad I know. I'm 17 and I wish things were like the scenario you talked about, but it would also be pretty expensive ha ha unless I plucked a flower from her own bush on the way to her door. Now that's classy hahaha

ryanrhino · Answer

I voted B.

Have you read Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating GOODBYE"?

He was direct with the woman he wanted to marry. He met her in a restaurant and informed her that he wanted to date her with the purpose of marrying her. The woman had been in pain over waiting for him to ask her out and had cried in her car without him knowing.

I meet up with women I am interested in dating. I build a friendship first.

Once I find the one I want to court (date), I will let her know. It may be painful for the women if they can't be upfront with me, like in Joshua's case. I have been upfront with them in saying that I don't play games and want them to be honest with me.

I will be quite romantic once I feel like continuing that behavior with the woman forevermore.

themastaplan · Answer

first off...this all depends on what a "real date" is in your eyes

why do I want to take her out to dinner, have her get all dressed up, is that not putting a TON of pressure on the girl?

first dates should be interviews, interacting things, where you get to know that person for who they are...sitting at dinner can be BORING, being waited on can be BORING...it also has more time for "awkward silent moments"

the 2nd date should be a more formal date if you two decide to continue seeing each other...that way you ahve time to catch up about the first date...talk about other stuff rather than the "so what do you like to do"..."oh cool, me too"

so I voted C but that's because my idea of a "real date" is different than yours...if I have to agree with you on your "real date" then I'd vote B

Anonymous · Answer

I personally don't do it because so many girls have that sense of entitlement... "you HAVE to take me on dates, pick me up, keep me entertained, pay for everything, take me back etc etc". After all, they don't want to "do all the work", which often translates to "I don't want to do anything". I don't do it because I don't want to give into their princess complex.

Oh and of all things, this phrase, which is a favorite of so many women on this site: IT"S YOUR JOB. This is *exactly* why I don't indulge women in all that. Because they "demand" that you do all these things. Again, the sense of entitlement just irks me to no end.

Women say men have obligations which are exclusive to the male gender, some of which are described in your question. I wonder, though, what obligations are exclusive to the female gender?

MWalsh89 · Answer

Haha, I remember when my boyfriend and I went out on our first day(double date with friends), he held the car door for me and I sort of was taken back(in the sense of, I'm perfectly capable of opening the door myself). I liked it though, but he was then convinced I didn't and for awhile stopped. lol. He does it now when he's in an ultra sweet mood. :)

I really think the first date is important though, it's like anything(especially if you didn't really know the person beforehand), it's a first impression. And like I said before on someone's answer, it's something that'll be remembered for a lifetime if you and someone end up spending your lives together.

BCRanger10 · Answer

I'm kind of a combo of those things. I'd pick her up at her place, hold doors, pay for the dinner and tickets (I like they dinner-and-movie first date, that is if we only recently met), and it depends on what you mean by "somewhat dressed up". As in a nice polo and jeans or a full suit?

My first girlfriend and I were in the same youth group together. For our first date, we linked up at the coffee shop that we went to after church. It was very informal, t-shirts, hoodies, and jeans (it was still winter) and we went to see a movie. We simply didn't think about it. So in my experience, I would say convenience and comfort.

rdr005 · Answer

I do all those things minus the flowers. Though sometimes I may get her something else. I don't care to get flowers unless its a special occasion.

However... to answer your question. Girls make it too easy now adays. Most guys probably wonder "Why should I try so hard if she's just gonna put out tomorrow regardless of what I do today?" May sound crude, but it does ring truthfully. People now a days have no idea what love is all about and make relationships a game to pass time. Ladies... you want a real date? Make him work for you and respect you. Don't make it so damn easy for him.

ShootingStar5 · Answer

Well a lot of the things you described I'd consider as a bonus on a real date, not what makes it a date. Like picking her up, going to her door, and bringing her flowers, opening the car door, those are all nice but I don't expect a guy to do all those things.

But as for going out to dinner or a movie or something on a "real date," it might not happen as often as it did back in the day, but there are still plenty of people who go on dates. I went on quite a few dates while I was single. Oddly enough, out of all the people I dated during that year the only guy I never went on an actual date with is the one who became my boyfriend lol. We always just ended up hanging out with friends and stuff.

What ever happened to going on a real date?

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