Is 30 too early to settle?

[Anonymous]

I spent my 20s, floating from guy to guy. Never finding anyone I could form true feelings for. I've been on so many dates (from online dating since back in 2015) that I have lost track of the number of men I've met through the years. Over the past 10 years, I have only met 3 guys I actually liked. None of them liked me back.

So , I've practically burnt myself out constantly going on all these failed dates. 95% of the time, I never liked them back romantically. Right now, I'm almost 30 years old. People are telling me that dating will just be downhill from here. On the other hand, I've also seen plenty of women in their late 30s who did end up finding true love.

I really do want to be married. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life doing everything alone. I can have kids without a husband. But its the support that I need: shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to after a terrible day at work, someone to help me pay the bills, someone to travel with.

Right now, I have met a desperate 36 yr old man who wants to get married and start a family right away. He liked that I was still 29 years old and in my child bearing years. But its his desperation that kinda turns me off. He wants to marry and have kids right away. He is financially well off and a great provider which is why I am even talking to him.

I don't know... is it too early to settle? I'm about to turn 30 in a few months. And I have little to no faith that dating will get better for me in my 30s unless I move out of the city or get plastic surgery

[Bricealan]

Think about this - it may be too early to SETTLE with a man that indicates in some way that he is 'desperate'. Starting a family right away MAY not be a bad way to start... but ARE YOU READY? You have to consider THAT, too.

A lot to consider and think about before you make that leap, but you will do what you want in the end... just try your best to consider everything GOOD about it and everything NEGATIVE about it.

[DCVsMarvel2]

Age has nothing to do with settling.

It's all about settling itself.

Do you truly believe that people were meant to "be with one person, the rest of their lives, or not".

There's no one true answer, it's all in what YOU believe

[Asker]

I only want 1 person for the rest of my life. I've had enough of hopping from one guy to the next. There is no mental stability to this. Just the same way a child should not have multiple mothers throughout its life, its not heathy for someone to have a never ending number of husbands or boyfriends throughout her life.

[Asker]

there has never really been a guy who i truly ever wanted. Maybe just a few rare 3 times over the past decade. None of them liked me back. I feel like i can't fall in love with anyone. If I keep continuing this, I can definitely see myself still single at 40, 50, 60,

[Asker]

I can't even describe to you the agony of being chronically alone for YEARS, begging for friendships, trying to look for a lover but either I get rejected, ignored or come face to face with a pile of guys trying to use me for sex or men that nobody wants at all.

[Simslover92]

I wish I had started early with dating and getting married before 30, but my mindset wasn't there to get serious about it but I should have. 20s is where you start settling not 30s. By 30s, most people are on their third or fourth child.

[Asker]

i dont want 3 or 4 kids, they're too expensive and too much work. I don't know why people always think having more kids is a good thing. i don't want kids in my 20s, i want to enjoy my youth. you are only young for a short time.

[Jeff51]

Don't have 2 or 3

[Asker]

@Jeff51

I only plan on having 1. The only parents who are always complaining about parenting being so difficult are the ones who have multiple kids.

[Simslover92]

I never said it was ideal. I just said most people end up having about 3 or 4 by 30 something. Not that you have to. My mom just had 2 and I'd be just as happy with 2 or even 1 at this point in my life.

[Asker]

@simslover92

where are you from?

[Asker]

@simslover92

cuz the truth is... its always the people who don't have the money to raise kids, that have the most children

[Simslover92]

I'm from South Carolina and I have no kids.

[Asker]

@simslover92

Yea people in the south tend to be less picky, more family oriented and marry early

[Simslover92]

Yeah they do. Most of my peers have at least 3 or 4 children now and are married. I broke that stereotype.

[Asker]

@simslover92

here, up north in New york city, nobody wants family here. Everyone is afraid of commitment. Everyone just wants to sleep around. I need to literally leave this shit hole and move else where to find a man who isn't commitment phobic

[Simslover92]

Yeah I've lived in Jersey and originally from Jersey so I definitely know how they are up there. I actually prefer it. I hate being pressured to be a wife and mother sometimes.

[Asker]

its a good thing, only if you pick a good guy.

you don't want to die all sick, lonely neglected and alone. I can tell you this for a fact as a home nurse,. When you're elderly, severely ill and cannot do anything for yourself, your grown child vising you even once, may mean the world to you toward the end of your life.

[Simslover92]

That's true. I don't want to end up all alone in a nursing home. I guess having a family would be nice when you think about it like that.

[Asker]

@simslover92

you don't even need to be in a nursing home to suffer, honestly. Having nobody to celebrate Christmas / Thanksgiving with. Being sick and unable to do anything for yourself, nobody cares whether you live or die. Your nieces and nephews who love you today, will grow up to not give a crap about you once they turn 30.

[Simslover92]

That's also true.

[melnc]

Wanting security and a family is totally normal but don’t let desperation rush you into a life-long decision. A good marriage isn’t just about having kids ASAP or a fat bank account. These days, half of marriages crash and burn because people focus on the wrong things. What really lasts? shared values, and someone you can actually stand when life gets messy. Money makes life easier, but it won’t make you love each other when times get tough. So yeah, take your time better to wait for the right one than rush into a disaster you can’t walk away from.

[Asker]

Money makes marriage easier. I dont expect marriage to be easy. We will have our differences. But living life with a companion is better than pretending to be happy while being all alone lonely and neglected

[melnc]

Money helps, but don't confuse a warm body with a true partner. Better to be alone than married and lonely. Wait for someone who sees you ، really sees you، even when you fight. Temporary solitude beats lifelong regret.

[Asker]

@melnc

i don't know what world you are in to believe that just because we are not romantically involved then we can't care or be there for each other.

[Asker]

Solitude may not be temporary, it may be forever. Don't try to be too optimistic.

[Asker]

Its better to have its the support that I need: shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to after a terrible day at work, someone to help me pay the bills, someone to travel with.

than to live life without any of these things.

[melnc]

I think you want a live in therapist, banker, tour guide who'll tolerate your problems. That's not marriage, that's slavery with benefits.
Good luck with that 🤞

[Asker]

@melnc

and what makes you think I won't be a therapist for my husband?

what makes you think I won't cook or clean for him? or give him blowjobs?

is it just him being a slave to me?

you see? this is why marriage can't last. you have such a fucked up view of marriage... it makes absolutely no sense.

[Asker]

its blatantly obvious that you don't understand marriage.

[melnc]

Funny how you're suddenly playing wife of the year now

[Asker]

@melnc

isn't that what I signed up for when I agreed to become a wife.

how is this a surprise to you?

what world do you come from? to believe that someone would become a wife but not do what a wife should?

and you're asking why marriages in the US can't last. Taking a look at you, its VERY OBVIOUS why.

[melnc]

Oh, so now it’s personal? Funny how you’re all about ‘wife duties’ but forgot the part where respect goes both ways. Maybe marriages fail when one side keeps score instead of being a team. But hey, keep blaming everyone else, it’s definitely working so well for you.

[Asker]

@melnc

you're the one who keeps score... and you assume that I keep score.. just like you...

no, I don't. I see marriage as a relationship where both individuals take care of each other. The fact that this sounds like total shocker to you, says A LOT about you

[melnc]

The only thing shocking here is how you turned 'let's care for each other' into some revolutionary concept. Maybe marriage isn't your strong suit after all.

[Asker]

@melnc

I never "turned into lets care for each other " mode. It was always there.

You just never knew it was there because you have a fucked up view of marriage.

[Asker]

[The only thing shocking here is how you turned 'let's care for each other' into some revolutionary concept.]

its a revolutionary concept, just for you. Not me.

Don't get that mixed up.

I had to teach you that people are supposed to care for each other in marriage.

[Asker]

and you be complaining about why marriage has such a high fail rate in your culture.

taking a look at what you say, its no surprise your marriage can't last

[melnc]

You done?

[Miristheiss]

LOL!!!

30?

Well, all of your super hot, young, best shape of your life, most fertile years just went bye-bye. 18 to 28.

It sounds like you used those for school, work, travel, getting with a bunch of different guys.

If you cannot find a guy you like and has your values and compatibilities in 15 or so years. Maybe the problem is you. Also, 1 date isn't often enough to get to know someone and determine if you two have the same standards and life goals. Sure, sometimes you can but usually you have to go on several dates with the same person. Are you doing that?

[Asker]

you're gonna hit the wall soon too. Don't get too arrogant.

[Miristheiss]

? I've been married for years with 2 kids.

[Asker]

I dont date 40 year olds.

[GreekLorrd]

No, 30 is not too early to settle — but it's too early to settle unhappily. Wanting love, support, and stability is valid, but marrying someone out of fear, pressure, or burnout usually leads to regret. Desperation (his or yours) isn't a solid foundation. Take your time, even if it feels late. Real connection > ticking clocks.

[Asker]

I cannot find a real connection

Because out of every 300 guys I meet, I probably like only 1 man. Probably 200 of them would like me. Do you understand it now?

Its hard enough dating in my 20s, do u honestly think it will get better as my options dwindle as I approach 40?

[DannyUk2017]

Same they said with sex... enjoy it before 30's... ermmm... Wrong, actually who said is better in 40's and after, were right... as before 30's feels like "rabbit sex"... So no, is Not too late, actually is better because Your mind has more experience, and now... Your Mind, Soul and Body Know what they want, and Know how to Handle Situations!

[BarryLiverstone]

Frankly yes. It’s too early as the desperate guy you have connected with you don’t feel attracted to and it will be a life of regret if you marry him just to have children with him.


You have been dating for a while. Have you gotten any feedback or know why you are not finding guys who like you back?

[Asker]

Because out of every 300 guys I meet, I probably like only 1 man. Probably 200 of them would like me. Do you understand it now?

[BarryLiverstone]

I understand that you have a high bar for what you feel is an attractive guy. But what I was asking is if you have been on dates with guys you didn’t feel into when meeting them and if they grew to be more attractive as you got to know them. I understand the 200 are attracted to you but they are strangers and can only judge by their eyes

[Asker]

i don't have the time to go on dates spend weeks or months getting to know 200 men. By the time I get to know all these men, I would be 65 years old.

I like funny guys. No guys are genuinely funny nowadays. Even if he is funny, he may not have decent character or might not like me back or might not even be a good person or marriage material or he may be broke as hell.

My mother married a broke man, raised 3 kids with him, I would never go through what she went through.

[BarryLiverstone]

I mean where would you even think to look for a funny guy? My neighbor cut down his funny guy tree last weekend so I can’t help you there. Good luck

[Asker]

i have been to comedy clubs. 95% of the people there aren't actually funny. the few funny guys can get the whole world of women chasing them even if he is short and broke

[BarryLiverstone]

You don’t find funny guys in comedy clubs. Sense of humor is subjective but that’s a waste of money. Lots of funny guys around , just find confident guys who don’t give a shit

[Asker]

I'm not one of those lame people who laugh at armpit jokes or fart jokes. I know it when a guy has real talent

[Asker]

nobody falls in love with just confidence, unless your standards are super low.

[Asker]

i am honestly cursed with having high standards. its not something i can change or do anything about. I like nice guys. but very few genuinely nice people out there. He HAS to be kind in order for me to see any sort of future with him. I can tell you for a FACT that vast majority of these men who claim to be nice, aren't actually nice. They are just nice because they know they have nothing else to offer.

[BarryLiverstone]

Fart jokes are among the funniest ever in the right circumstances. Ever had a Dutch oven? That’s memorable

[Asker]

honestly being married to a guy who makes those types of jokes then act like he is funny... would probably one of the worst mistakes I would ever make.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ya I’ll agree with you on that point. “Nice guys” are not nice at all. They are very insecure and acting nice, fake af. Avoid the nice guys and you have a chance. Avoid the comedy clubs as well. Really your best bet is Walmart at 2:00 am. Find a guy in the toy aisle and thank me later

[BarryLiverstone]

No your worst mistake is staying single for life. Never having a partner to team up with and secretly make fun of other people

[Asker]

I'm really not interested in a man who shops at walmart. I am a very financially well off woman and I want someone who shares my values or hard work, education and ambition. Not that I'm stuck up but I didn't get this far in life, just to fall 100 feet down.

[Asker]

[Never having a partner to team up with and secretly make fun of other people]

if this is your view of the benefits of marriage, you are probably just still a kid without many responsibilities. Taking a look at your age, I can totally see why.

[BarryLiverstone]

Finally you said something funny.. ty. So a guy who shops at walmart is that trashy? Ok, I better understand why you are not finding love. Cheers

[BarryLiverstone]

I know the benefits of marriage and it’s why I’ll be married myself. We were having a bit of a banter, you never asked me what marriage is all about. Peace

[Asker]

you sound hella immature...

[BarryLiverstone]

Probably true. I’m 26 and I :

Have a college degree
Have a career
Have a house
Have a car
Have bills every month that I’m responsible for
Have a supportive family, responsible for my Godson
A member of my church

I only sounded immature in response to your question. But I do shop at Walmart because I save $ on groceries so one day my children can go to college. As you say, that’s a trashy decision

[Asker]

maturity is not about what you own, it is about the way you think and behave.

[BarryLiverstone]

That’s right. Maturity is a mindset. You can still grow up yourself. Don’t give up on life and finding your partner ok? God has your back. I’m just an “immature” kid stranger online.

Who has the guts to not be anon by the way

[BarryLiverstone]

You shifted the goalposts by the way. Said I didn’t have responsibilities and trust me the stress I feel daily.. life is about responsibilities and being there for those we love

[Asker]

why would i take advice from an immature kid? no offense but if you are to think and speak THAT way, nobody would take advice from you.

[BarryLiverstone]

I’m not offended. 101 degree fever atm so likely not sounding my best anyway. Sorry you bantered with a kid. I’m sure you felt bored

[Stevepro68]

Stay away from potential relationships that might someday give you the love care and attention that you deserve. Write down what you really like about this person. Not what might be but what actually is right now. Decide that way..

[Asker]

im not really going into this marriage to fall in love. i am just going in it for the benefits listed above.

[Asker]

its the support that I need: shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to after a terrible day at work, someone to help me pay the bills, someone to travel with.

[Asker]

just cuz romance isn't involved, it does not mean we can't care for each other.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it really matters. Nothing can stop this train from derailing. Based on what you wrote you need to decide at this point how many lives you want to destroy. Yours? Or Your, his, and possibly potential offspring.

[Asker]

I am honestly just hoping to settle for a mediocre marriage. Not great, but not bad either. I am not expecting to fall in love ever in my life and im ok with it. I honestly have no hope

[Ariesman81]

Nah... wait til you're 40 and wonder why all the good men have gone overseas.

[Asker]

only men who can't get women in the US would go overseas to buy prostitutes for wives.

[Ariesman81]

They sure beat the so called wives here.

[Asker]

@ariesman81

only losers want prostitutes for a wife.

[Ariesman81]

Which is why we go overseas.

[Anonymous]

Early? That is getting late. 20 is early for settling. 30 is time to get things locked down.

[Asker]

i have seen women who found love in their late 30s too. thats the only reason why i am asking this question. im just unsure

[Opinion Owner]

Just because other people do it doesn't mean it is a good idea. A lot of women that waited after 30 to find love are realizing that was a mistake on several different levels.

[Anonymous]

No its leaving it very late.

[jahaims]

Only a cuck or simp will want those leftovers.

[Asker]

I'm pretty sure you can't even get those left overs, seeing how bitter you are.