I’m not a particularly religious person but I’m someone that wishes to wait until marriage. A huge part of my reasoning is that I simply feel disillusioned from modern dating/hookup/situationship culture, it’s also so vapid and meaningless.
I simply have no desire to be intimate with someone that I don’t love and trust, I would want to give myself only to someone that is committed to me for life.
No its has nothing to do with being prudish. I think its a beautiful thing you have more strength then me I had to find out what it was all about.
For something g that turned out so bad it was also a blessing in its own way.. I was 16 1/2 she was 19 on spring break one of my cousin's friends. My aunt and I went to the air port to pick up my cousins and one of her friends
She forgot her keys so I stayed with her and helped her get in to her house. Well one thing lead to another. And we ended up having sex. It wasn't like I thought it was going to be. I thought we were going to see fire works
When we were finished I was embarrassed and she said stop it was good. I didn't think so. All night I thought about it what did I do wrong I just lost my virginity it sucked Iand I was going to hell. I was mad at myself
Later the next day she called and asked me to come over so I did. She wanted to do it again so I did. It was the same thing it sucked. Two days later same thing it sucked on her last day at home before they had to go back to school was a Saturday she said her mom was going to be gone.
So I went there every night and day I thought what was I doing wrong. She would laugh at me and said no it was great it really was. I felt she was just being nice. So it was going to be our last time together before she had to go. So this time I was going to do it different to show her how much I liked her... when we were finished I rolled off and she said omg omg. Your not going to tell me that was bad are you I said know she said I seen fireworks and I'm still seeing them I said me to.. she said omg that was so good we both just laid there and kinda went in to and out of body experience I was floating and I felt something touching my arm.
I had to fight to open my eyes once I did I sat up to look around I didn't know where I was then it all came to me I was in her room and just had the best sex ever I looked at the clock to see the time I looked at her I started to get out of bed and she started moving around she sat up fast and looked around and said what happen and she said oh yah no you don't have to go yet
Her mom called to check in she hung up the phone we started making out she said we have to do it again .. then a knock on the door it was my cousin and my aunt they were supposed to go to lunch we got dressed really fast. But I remember thinking I'm going to hell but it was worth it lol
But I remember also thinking I wish I would have waited. And at the same time I was happy that she let me do it 4 times.
Because the 4th time I learned so much about it. That I think I have perfected it even tho every one it different so guys need to learn how to read her eyes the color of her cheeks the way she moves breaths. Moans. You have to make it all about her..
I believe in what your doing 💯 % . But I also believe in if your going to wait there us something you need to know first we all have energy with in us its kinds like having chemistry.. that is so deep there are so many things to having a good relationship. But to have one last. Everything has to be just right
Noticing a lot of judgment or covert judgment in the replies.
Why is it viewed as prudish? Firstly only some people think it’s prudish and could simply be “tit for tat”.
Either someone called them some variation of promiscuous in an unflattering way and they resent all for it, or they are defensive of their lifestyle and secretly have a conflict with it so have to attack the opposite, or they are just so committed to that lifestyle they see the opposite as repugnant.
The irony is, they’re just as judgmental as the people they purport are.
Honestly, what feels right to you is what’s important, ignore others that seek to make you feel bad about it. Honestly, that can be applied both ways, be safe of course.
The problem is people all deal with extremes these days, insult each other like they’re extreme ends when really people just fall at either end or middle most of the time, not everyone not waiting is Bonnie and not everyone who is waiting is in a religious cult but that’s what people sling at each other like mud and seem to be quickly dismissing personal preference, only their right in their mind and your wrong. It’s strange seeing people become so judgmental, divisive, spiteful.
Most people have their own ideas about things of this nature and that is their goal, but is it realistic?🤔 It sounds good on paper but can any person completely trust their husband 💯%? I don't believe that is realistic. Sorry. I got married when I was 20 and I did believe I trusted him completely and believed he loved me completely as well. No worries during our 4 years as a married couple. Some people change though and there's no guarantee ever when it comes to marriage. Nothing wrong with wanting to be a virgin when you get married but there's no guarantee that will make your marriage strong enough to last a lifetime. You'll just have to stick to your plan and hope it goes as you believe it will.
It’s not, however those who are OBSESSED with virginity are ridiculous. I’m not saying go be a tramp, but there’s no reason women are held to an “Artemis” standard while men get to roam free “sowing their wild oats”… then settle down with a good girl and riddle her with STDs and also whatever perverted sexual fantasies they’ve cultivated on their adventures.
And there’s nothing wrong by the way with possibly having a little romance with the intention of marriage (which may get a bit physical but ultimately not work out). The importance is the INTENTION. If I’m sleeping with a guy “to scratch an itch” or because he means something to me.
Don't just sleep around for the heck of it, but don't assume that simply having good intentions make something morally upright. Villains and heroes actually have the exact same backstory. The villain story and the backstory of the hero are pain. So the difference between the villain and the hero is one thing: it's how they respond to pain.
The villain says: “the world hurt me; I'm gonna hurt it back”.
And the hero says: “the world hurt me; I'm not gonna let this happen to anyone else”.
It's just literally how you decide to react to pain that causes you to be the villain or the hero. DONALD MILLER
The primary scapegoat for people behaving badly is other people behaving badly. This is at the heart of all manner of corruption perceivable in western societies today. So scumbags feel compelled to make moral people feel bad for demonstrating discipline and honor. That way their own behavior seems less wicked.
Imagine, as I guess that you probably do, holding out for that special someone. Does that mean that that person will come into your life just by virtue of waiting and seeking? Maybe so and wouldn't that be wondrous? Oh, it truly would be wondrous, wouldn't it?
Or maybe not and then what?
That's not for me nor for any of us to know.
I delved a little bit before marriage. Not much, but yes, I did.
It's a fact that can't be denied nor reversed.
Regrets? Yes, and no.
Now, at age 67, looking back, it's still impossible for me to judge the wisdom of the choices that I've made. What do I know? I'm just a man, not a soothsayer nor a judge.
I am married, but that one special someone may have appeared before me during my married years, or maybe even before I was married and I let her slip away. For myself, the subject has been a conundrum since long before my puberty.
I first fell in love on the first day of school at the kindergarten bus stop. 5 YEARS OLD! An angelic physical manifestation of ultimate femininity appeared before me. I stole a quick kiss on the cheek from her. My mother read me the riot act when I got home from school that day. That cooled my jets for decades. Yes, decades. How the intel got to my mom, I'll never know, but I didn't need to know how. All that mattered was that it did, and that I was harshly punished for loving someone. Kindergarten puppy love, but yes, I was harshly punished for loving someone. That episode scarred me for many years. I went from happy, carefree Bob, to, oh man, how I am supposed to act around people because I totally messed this up, Bob.
Love ya, Mom. Yes, I know, Mom, that you can see me writing this from heaven, but you knew, you KNOW! But it's okay. I'm okay, in that regard, anyway. I have way bigger problems now than getting in trouble for kissing kindergarten girls. (As a kindergartner myself, of course. No creepy stuff going on here.)
I'm finally over that episode now, but it took way too many years for Bob to really be Bob again.
We live, we make choices, we continue to live.
My choices were mine, regrettably or not.
Your choices are yours. I hope that they're the right one's for you.
What could be sweeter than what's right for you?
I've held this thought for last, though maybe I shouldn't have. Depending on whether or not you're a person of faith in a Being greater than us as mere humans, what might YOUR greater Being think about your situation? I know that I've gone against the will of my greater Being time and again, but I'm still forever loved, without end!
"I would want to give myself only to someone that is committed to me for life. I’m someone that wishes to wait until marriage"
Saying that you "give yourself" instead of making love, saying that you wish to wait until marriage indicate austerity and sacrifice injected into the concept of romance, that's a puritanical worldview.
"People stopped treating marriage like it’s sacred. Now people play house, engage in casual sex, and get pregnant without a ring"
Viewing marriage as sacred, looking downon sexuality, looking down on pregnancy outside of marriage. This focus on lecturing about morality in relation to sex, marriage and pregnancy are representative of puritanical worldviews. Again.
"not a particularly religious person"
Oh really?
You can be highly selective, that isn't incompatible with Puritanism. Puritanism isn't an insult either, it's a culture. So, yes you're prude, and a really unassuming one.
I believe if you're in a romantic partnership with someone that inherently requires a degree of self sacrifice, does it not? If you love and care for a person you sacrifice things like your time/energy/commitment without thinking.
I do not wish to lecture anyone, I opened the conversation to share my opinion and hear other peoples opinions. Why should marriage not be viewed as something sacred, to bond yourself to someone in such a matter and to make a commitment to them for life is something that shouldn't just be viewed as casually as Friday night football? Practically every data set will show you that a child being raised with their mother and father have immensely greater outcomes across the board especially in comparison to children born outside of wedlock.
I don't look down on sexuality at all but I think you might interpret it that way because my mindset is simply coming from a different place. I view sex as something sacred because it involves someone becoming bonded to another person physically in the most intimate way possible - that is beautiful and should be highly revered.
Sacrifice in romance, or in any other area of existence is a religious concept abundantly used by Christianity, and probably inherited from paganism. I don't sacrifice time/energy/commitment for love, I'm not loosing anything, I'm simply enjoying my connection with her.
Marriage is sacred for those thinking it is sacred, for some it's a secular bond, for some it's an unnecessary institution in a relationship.
I don't see any sanctity in making love, I experience it as a natural form of tenderness for my girl. I have no wish to invite gods and other grandiose ideas to this experience because I truly favor intimacy instead.
That statistic was about being raised by two parents. There is nothing in the study that stipulates they must be husband and wife to get a positive outcome... I know couples who have been together for decades and never got married. You can absolutely be committed to someone without getting the government involved in your relationship. Love and commitment are not defined by a piece of paper
@GetJinxed one of the greatest predictors for the long term stability of a two parent household is for them to actually be married. According to the fragile families and child well being study, a study that was conducted with a substantial sample size “unmarried parents® bonds are fragile, with over 60 percent of nonmarital unions dissolving within five years of their child's birth. Couples that are cohabiting at birth are the most likely to remain in stable unions; 60 percent are still together in either a cohabiting or marital relationship five years after the birth. Couples that are visiting at birth are the most likely to dissolve their unions; only 20 percent are still together five years after the birth." - you can find this information in page 3/22 of the pdf (https://pmc. ncbi. nlm. nih. gov/articles/PMC3053572/pdf/nihms275674. pdf)
I consider myself pretty libertarian but there’s a serious flaw in believing marriage - a voluntary civic contract that binds you legally to stay committed to the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with is somehow an inherent example of government overreach. I can understand arguments of how custody court works but this assertion really just seems disproportionate to me.
That’s perfect if your friends are in a loving relationship, who am I to judge. I don’t know them personally but what I do know is that the exception doesn’t disprove the rule.
Love and commitment require sacrifice, it shouldn’t be convenient. Nothing worthwhile ever is.
Then why do the majority of marriages end in divorce? 🤔 I'll concede that statistically married couples tend to be together longer than non married couples and provide a more stable environment, but you're making the common mistake of believe correlation equals causation. being married is not a guarantee you will be together for life, but people who get married tend to be more financially stable and have more at stake to stay together. This does not make marriage a prerequisite to having a stable love life and family.
Furthermore, I never said marriage was government overreach. You jumped to that conclusion. I merely stated it isn't necessary to include the government in your relationship for it to be a valid, loving, stable, and committed relationship. Which is correct. You mistakenly have a superiority complex in regards to the way you do things, and it's evident with the language you choose when speaking about people who do not live the same way you do. you view unmarried couples as less valid and committed, especially a parents. In trying to show you how this closed minded way of thinking is harmful and inaccurate. Your statistics help us to understand human behavior a bit better, but it doesn't paint the whole picture, and it's a poor reason to invalidate others relationships when you do not know them.
Not sure if it's necessarily prudish. Maybe considered more naive? But ultimately, you're going to get criticised if you do anything against the grain.
I prefer to take a more nuanced view on it.
Relationships, failure, is where you learn a lot about yourself and your inner dynamics. How you feel about yourself and others. Relationship 'failure' is actually a learning experience. Through finding what you don't want, you can find what you want. Same applies in any field, say in your career.
So obviously, the upshot or the worry might be that if you've not had that experience, you might settle down too quick with not the right person.
I mean, I've changed so much since I was your age, it is crazy.
The other problem is the cat is out of the bag. So while I do admire the traditional view on life, unfortunately, there are a lot of counter-prevailing forces at work. Like it or not, we are part of a wider culture. But I do respect your views.
I would also say that a deep emotional connection is not necessarily predicated on marriage. It can exist without it. And even when that deep emotional connection exists, unfortunately, relationships do break down. People change. People aren't what you expected them to be. People have been hurt and act out on their hurts, and hurt you. We're all ultimately projecting what our partner is in some sense.
So yes, I'd rather take a more moderate approach. I've been offered a lot of sex. I've turned it all down. And I've been in a few more emotionally serious (and sexual) relationships. That works for me.
Of course, it would be nice to find the 'one' when I was your age or otherwise as youthful. To find that lovely or perfect person. But for me, there was other dynamics at play, other lessons to learn, to learn the hard way. Such is the nature of karma. 'tis what it is.
I have heard your argument expressed by religious types before, I figure it's the latest line of attack.
I do think it has merit. It's true that postmodern culture or whatever you want to call it is often pretty unthinkingly or unconsciously or proudly nihilistic. And that sex usually involves feelings, whether we want it or not.
I have sometimes seen male porn actors trying to kiss the woman the female actor as they are having sex, and she kind of turns away and avoids the kiss, because some of them don't do kissing lol.
Helen Fisher has done some interesting research and talks about three drives: lust, romantic attraction, and attachment. These three motivational systems in the brain run independently of each other.
So it's possible to lust after someone you do not have romantic feelings for. Or to develop an attachment to someone you don't have romantic feelings for.
Anyway, I think I have heard that number of sex partners is inversely correlated with marriage success, so maybe you are onto something.
Then again, I am very fucking happy I didn't settle down with the first person I slept with.
It's hard to know in advance whether you are a good match, including in the bedroom.
Hey remaining a virgin is a valid choice if that's important to you. But realize some guys don't want to marry an inexperienced insecure virgin full of doubts and fears about sex. And guys get to make choices too.
Some of us don't want to take on the responsibility of an adult child and tiptoe through years of her easing her into sex. In many cases it sets an unhealthy sexual dynamic. And sometimes it's just who she is. Asexual, risk averse, and manipulative. It's a hell of a risk not knowing what she'll turn out to be. And divorce is expensive.
I don't think its prudish. If a person is going to have sex before marriage then their body count is usually substantial. And, they have probably had a history of breakups too, because they really don't have anything invested in the relationship except having an apparent friends with benefits or FB. Also, a lot of people only get married because their Sig other insists on it, maybe because they won't have sex without a ring and paper. The number of divorces today bear this out. People didn't get married for love, but because the sex was great.
If a couple doesn't have sex before they get married, they won't know if they are sexually compatible. Being stuck in a marriage with somebody who wants totally different things in the bedroom than you will be an unhappy marriage. One of the partners may go looking for what they are not getting sexually somewhere else. It's like buying a car without test driving it and then finding out later that it's the wrong car for you or a piece of junk. Just like you should live with somebody for at least a year before marrying them, so you know they aren't going to drive you crazy.
Celibacy prevents 100% of STD infection. You have zero chance of getting pregnant. And despite lunatic propaganda since the 1960s it is actually possible to control the "natural biological urges" caused by puberty. If it isn't then that is proof that evolution is complete bullshit - given that evolution is supposed to be proof we're getting smarter...
Because celibate until marriage is a carry over custom from the arranged marriage era
The fact that we need to go out and find our own spouses in today’s society forces us to date
Some get lucky and hit it off from the first go Some don’t
But refusing to even go on a date is seen as prudish because you’re shutting yourself off from a key prerequisite that would lead to that marriage you speak of
Your question was phrased “why is remaining CELIBATE (i. e. not date) before marriage viewed as prudish”
My answer has nothing to do with sex It has to do with the activity of dating
Not wanting to have sex before marriage is a choice
I respect it. I wouldn’t date a person like that because my personal choice is to have sex before marriage so there wouldn’t be a solution that pleases everyone But it doesn’t make it wrong to want to wait
Marriage is a facade of something meaningful. Saving yourself for someone you love and trust is the best you can realistically hope for. Saving it for marriagedoesn't mean much nowadays when people get so easily married and divorced nowadays. I was married for 8 years before my wife at the time thought nows the time to try cheating. So don't put the idea of marriage on the pedestal only to get married to the wrong person.
Marriage is meaningless now a days because people stopped treating it like it’s sacred. Now people play house, engage in casual sex, and get pregnant without a ring and wonder why the divorce rates are high?
Sorry about what happened to you though, my condolences !
Just because most people don’t do that, these days. It used to be more common, a long time ago, but with modern society most people don’t have the strength of will to pull that off. Plus, something is easier, and looked at differently, when it’s more of a common thing.
I think most of the time, people who oppose it are doing so to cover their own sense of embarrassment for their choice.
But as a whole, I do not think most people look down on those who choose to wait for marriage. My husband and I never received any negative feedback from our decision to wait until marriage, everyone who commented was very supportive of us. Of course online, the people who do oppose it are going to be more vocal. But I truly think they are the minority.
It's only prudish if you date the wrong kind of guys. There are tons of them that prefer virgin wives. The downside is, most of those guys have had their share of hookup culture, so... If that's a double standard you can overlook, great.
Virgin men are rare.
I'm a virgin too. And I worry about being called a prude too.
Considering the definition of prude is "someone who is excessively modest or concerned with morality and propriety" I would say that it's a subjective take. For most people in the western world, remaining celibate until marriage IS prudish. For other cultures, it's not. I wouldn't worry how other people view it. Just do what feels right for you and you'll find someone who appreciates it.
That's your choice/prerogative entirely... Hopefully you will enjoy a very happy marriage and not be too disappointed.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
11 mo
I get what you mean. But you need to make sure you are a good match in some of the most important parts of a relationship. Finding that it's a bad match on the wedding night is a horrible idea. Not prudish.
I always found it comical how boys in high school wanted as many girls as they could get to, but then some expected them to have low counts when it came to settling down. And call them the opposite of prudish. Society is hypocritical.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
11 mo
horny men who want sex will view it as prudish for obviously reasons. if they call you a prude long enough, you may get sick and tired and give up the goods to them so they'd shut up about it
feminists and promiscuous women are miserable from their poor choices and want you to be as miserable as them. prude shaming is used by them to signal to men you'd be unavailable to them sexually and therefore men should avoid if they want sex
I think it's just another extreme viewpoint. I don't understand why we can't just leave room for people to make these decisions for themselves without judging them. Personally, I agree with you. Stay true to yourself.
I think waiting until marriage is a personal choice and not something to be judged. It’s about valuing trust and real connection over casual encounters. Everyone should feel free to make decisions that feel right for them.
You don't decide to eat one dish until end of your life without testing it. If some people want to do that because of their belief it's their business. I don't think it's prudish, it's rather unpragmatic
okay- it is not prudish. Everyone is different and there are many different ways to interpret this. Do not think there is anything wrong with waiting until marriage.
It's only prudish if you're avoiding sex because you're scared of it. I don't think waiting for the right guy is prudish, although I'd question why marriage is necessary if you know you're with the right person.
Whoever sees it as prudish is low IQ or straight outta tha projecks. Misery loves company, peace and happiness will be rewarded to the patient and prudent ones who can control their biology.
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