How do I handle this situation with guy I’m dating?

[Katarina88]

I went out with a guy 4 times in the last 3 weeks, with last Sunday because the 4th time. We live 1.5 hours apart so we can’t get together during the week. I knew he had prior commitments both Friday and Saturday, so today would be the only time I could see him this weekend. Despite texting me a ton throughout the week and calling me Wednesday-Friday, he claimed he was too busy to see me today. He texted me a lot last night and then first thing this morning so I was super annoyed when he said that, like don’t waste my time you know? I joked about him falling down the ranks now that I have to go another week without seeing him and he just replied “very funny.”

He’s coming out of a bad breakup and has expressed that he’s having a hard time with it. So either he’s trying to put the brakes on things, or, most likely, he’s hanging out with someone else today.

So now how do I reply throughout the week when he contacts me? I don’t want to be bitchy but I also don’t want to make it seem like I’m ok. I’m fine with taking things slow with his breakup but I want to consistently see him. I’m also understanding of him going on to her dates but I am NOT okay with him choosing to hang with another girl who he can see during the week.

We have a lot of fun together so I’d like to see where things can go, I just am not willing to make it seem like I’ll take whatever I can get.

[HollyK21]

So because he couldn’t see you this weekend he’s bumped down the ranks? After he’s been with you the last 3? Doesn’t sound very considerate of you. Don’t get me wrong, I understand where you’re coming from with the situation being LDR and there aren’t many opportunities to see each other due to work. At the same time though, you have to consider the fact that if you’re limited to only weekends, you may not be able to see him every single one. Things come up and those things aren’t always other women.


If once a week isn’t enough and you want more time with him (or the man you’re dating in general), that’s completely fine, but then you have to be honest with yourself about that and realistic about how much time he can actually give you. In fact, maybe you should ask yourself if this is the right connection for you in general. Like it’s kinda hard to build something when you only see that person once a week and there’s no silver lining in sight as to when the distance will close.

[Katarina88]

I’m fully understanding of not seeing him Friday or Saturday but he could’ve found time today. I even offered to go his way. So now it’ll be at least 2 weeks between dates 4 and 5 and that’s kinda crazy.

[HollyK21]

By saying he could’ve found time today, you’re completely writing off any other priority he may have so that he can spend time with you. Again, you have to decide if this sort of arrangement works for you, where you only see him during the weekends because life happens, things come up. You are assuming he could cancel or clear whatever else it is that came up (you don’t seem to know what happened, just assuming it’s him making another date with another woman) and to me that’s a bit selfish. It’s too bad that you guys can’t get together during the week but this is the reality of what you’d be dealing with if you continue seeing him.

[HollyK21]

I wouldn’t want to see the guy I’m trying to build something with only once a week either, but that’s why I would stay away from LDRs and find someone closer who has more access to you and vice versa.

[Katarina88]

I’m fine with once a week, my point was that by not seeking me this weekend, it’ll be 2 weeks that we go without seeing one another. My gut tells me he was not busy. He’s been texting but not calling the last few days.

[HollyK21]

Your gut vs actual facts are two entirely different things. You’ve got no good reason not to ask what he had planned for the day rather than assuming he’s with someone else, or basically suggesting that if he is busy he should clear his day out for you since he couldn’t hang out last weekend. That’s why the real question here is whether or not this LDR is feasible, because this may be a reoccurring thing. If he’s only off on the weekends like most adults are that means he’s trying to a lot those two days to whatever personal commitments/ chores/errands he has to do before the new week. Maybe you can’t relate to random shit come up in your free time when you least expect it then that’s good for you, but in that case you can’t just assume everyone has the same availability that you do. Hell this could be a sign that despite wanting to date a woman, he cannot do so if it’s an LDR. A lot of people think they can, give it a shot and ultimately they can’t.

[DishLady]

There's a lot of detail crammed into this one... some of it has nothing to do with you and the guy's day-to-day interactions. BOTH you and he should still be dating who you please since you have not transitioned to exclusive dating.

You can't be upset with the guy IF HE IS dating someone in addition to you. "Dating" is not automatically "Exclusive". He might be seeing many people at once till he narrows down the options to the top two people... and then choose the better of the two. (And you should be doing the same.)

This also doesn't mean he's sleeping with all these (alleged) people or that you should either... it's just an exploration of options.

[ohsheeT]

Well first of all his bad break up could mean he cheated on his girl and it was bad when she found out

Most girls and guys after a bad break up want to go on dates of any kind.. and if he is all ready seeing you and others he not feel to bad about it. Or if he was feeling bad about it and he had a chance to see you and be with you well a guy in not going to turn that down not unless he had his kids today. ..

Look wee all know things before thay happen. According to your question.
I read the answer right and more just in your wording of your question.

I really think your being played but don't take my word. If you listen to the words he uses he will tell you with out even know he told you

[Katarina88]

Well according to him, his girlfriend lived cross country and left her family and friends behind to progress things with him. After she moved he got cold feet, ducked out of the house he was closing on for them and left her high and dry. Then he regretted it and spent months trying to get her back.

What makes you think he’s playing me? I think he’s definitely dating around, I just need to know if I’m justified for being upset.

[ohsheeT]

Yes and no. No, because it sounds like he told you what he is trying to do, and that is to get her back.

Yes, but i you can only be up set with yourself. For even getting involved with him .. until you know for sure its over. between them

[Tarifa]

From the info you share, it's not clear if he is seeing someone else at all. If this is just a presumption on your part, don't even consider it. It will only make things more difficult for you.

He confessed he went through a tough break-up. Some people need quite some time to get over this. The only thing you can do for now is to be availaibe and show you care. You also need to make it clear that you will wait for him to make his mind up, but won't be around forever. You'll find the right words to not make it sound like an ultimatum. Be mentally prepared to move on if need be.

[Katarina88]

Yeah, I realize it might be that he’s just struggling over his ex and for that reason I’ve been super understanding. But I also know he’s more likely just dating other people. If he doesn’t make plans with me for the upcoming weekend, I’ll definitely be done. I’m just trying to figure out how to communicate that without sounding abrasive. I dont Want to play games.

[Tarifa]

You don't want to be another number on his list of possible dates. You're looking for long time commitment, so you'll have to make that clear. There aren't many ways of conveying that without the risk of things going astray. It's not an easy situation to be in.

You can send me a DM anytime you want.

[Vegasrunner]

TBH if you actually like this guy I wouldn't change anything. Like most women you're in your head but nothing has actually happened. There could be a million legitimate reasons why he couldn't see you Friday but all you hear is he didn't want to see me. Also the "bad breakup" is false and sounds like your intpretation of something he said. It can't be that bad if he's able to flake on you like he did Friday, men don't pull away from a new relationship because a previous one ended. Women do.

[Katarina88]

Well we didn’t have plans made. I knew he had prior commitments Friday and Saturday. I was annoyed that he talked to me a TON last week and then didn’t bother to see me yesterday. He talked a lot less the last couple of days too.

He told me last week that he’s really into me and feels bad because he feels like he’s been a disappointment. He also said that he thought dating would help him, but it’s only made his pain worse. I really Think he’s just focusing on someone else right, and I don’t know how to communicate to him that if he continues talking less and not making plans, I’m out

[OneViewpoint]

Long distance dating has a low probability of working out for the very reasons you are living right now. Tell him that and move on.

Or...

Have you driven the 1.5 hours to see him? Or is he doing all the driving? Have you guys met in the middle for dates? If he's driving 3 hours round trip plus spending 6-8 hours with you, that pretty much kills his Sunday. The guy may need to do laundry, grocery shop, get ready for a meeting Monday morning, etc.

[Katarina88]

Well the girlfriend that he is so broken about lived across the country. He broke up with her after she moved for him because he got cold feet (so he says). So 90 minutes shouldn’t be a problem for him!

I met him halfway the first two dates and went his way for the last two, so I’ve def made it easy on him.

[OneViewpoint]

OK, you've been a good citizen. You're meeting him halfway... literally. Maybe let this one go.

[spartan55]

Why are you making the leap that he is seeing someone else today? Very odd.
Did he give you a reason why he was busy?

[Katarina88]

He was kind of taking the exact same way he did earlier in the week when he let it slip that he was on a date. And I expect that he will date; he’s new to the area, recently got out of a multi year relationship and just joined bumble. I understand that. I’m mostly upset because he said so many things this past week to make me think he was more serious than I initially thought and called me several times to talk on the phone, only to retreat to shallow text convos for a few days and no dates.

[spartan55]

So, did you have set plans for today?

[Katarina88]

No, unless he’s playing me I know he’s still fucked up from his last relationship so I’m really just letting him take the lead. I was hoping since he talked to me so much during the week that he would initiate plans for today, and when he didn’t by yesterday, I asked. He said he might have something he needed to do and would let me know. This morning he asked what i was doing today, and when I said I’d like to see him and would come his way, he said he was kind of hung over and would let me know. Then finally this afternoon he said he couldn’t make it work. So I’m assuming he was waiting to see if someone else was available first.

[spartan55]

You are assuming an awful lot, and the worst at that. I'm going to be straight with 1.5 hours is a pretty big distance to see each other. I could see maybe if you had already established a relationship, but with things being so new... eh...
Have you had sex with him?

[Katarina88]

1.5 hours is a lot, but his last girlfriend lived halfway across the country (and he broke things off right when she moved cross country for him). We did have sex after the third date. He seemed legitimately hurt that I didn’t stay the night, asked if he did something wrong and then told me to let him know if I don’t like something rather than dump him. It was all very odd. Although he admitted to me that he’s into really freaky shit so I assume thats what he was referring to. But after we slept together he didn’t pull away or anything.

[spartan55]

Hmmm... he doesn't sound like he is in the right space for commitment right now. Is that something you are cool with?

[spartan55]

Personally if I'm having sex with a woman I don't see anyone else, but that's just me.

[spartan55]

So you had sex with him and then drove 90 minutes home?

[Katarina88]

Gosh that makes it sound so cold hearted of me haha. Yes I did. I agreed to stay and then left at like 12:30 after he fell asleep. Honestly I was Kind of like “what the fuck just happened?” After we banged and so I just felt funny staying. He told me the night before that he was still obsessed with the sex he had with his ex, they didn’t the freakiest shit and he didn’t think he could sleep with anyone else. So when he asked me to come over I legit Thought we were just hanging out.

He opened up a lot about his ex last week and told me later on that he was sorry and he feels like he’s been a disappointment to me. I understood though and figured he could just be someone to have a good time with for the time being. I really Didn’t know how we would work long term because he sounds kind of insatiable and his “g rated” idea sounded crazier than any wild thing I’d ever consider doing. That’s why when he started talking about how cute I looked With his friend’s baby and how if we work out we could have kids someday and blah blah, then started calling me daily, I thought uh oh, I don’t think we’re going to work. Then he did this 180

[Katarina88]

They DID the freakiest shit, not didn’t

[spartan55]

Okay, this dude like a REAL weirdo... is he really your best option?

[spartan55]

*sounds like

[spartan55]

You agreed to stay then left? Ugh...🙄

[spartan55]

He shouldn't be talking about his ex like that to you... that's not normal.

[spartan55]

You can't think that is all normal, right? Talking about how kinky he was with his ex? Tf?

[Katarina88]

Oh no I know It’s not normal! He told me these things on the phone after our second date. I thought he was explaining why we wouldn’t work despite acting like he was so into me. Then the next day he called and asked if I wanted to go to a concert with him, his brother, sister-in-law and nephews. I was caught off guard but thought it sounded innocent enough. I didn’t get there in time and we ended up just hanging out.

I still Don’t know why he told me those things. I assume since he asked me to just tell him if I don’t like something rather than dump him, he wanted to get it out there in the open? I don't know. That really doesn’t make sense though either. It freaked me out but we have so much fun together and he was talking about wanting to do an overnight trip so I figured screw it, it’ll just be a fun fling. When he started calling me more last week is when I got a little nervous and thought maybe he wanted more.

[spartan55]

Your call obviously, but this guy sounds like more trouble than he is worth.

[spartan55]

Now you feel like you have to turn into a sex freak which it doesn't seem like you are comfortable with.(understandably so).
Do you know if he still talks to his ex?

[Katarina88]

Maybe that’s why he told me that stuff? I’m NOT vanilla but the stuff he described kinda blew my mind. Then he assured me that he wouldn’t even look at another girl if he was getting “that filth.”

[spartan55]

Omg... wow... have you exhausted the dating pool in your city?

[spartan55]

So, why didn't YOU make plans for today and nail him down. Maybe he's looking for you to show a little initiative.

[Katarina88]

So they broke up in January. According to him, for several months she would talk to him for hours every Tuesday and even invited him on work trips with her. He was floored when he moved to try to get her back and realized she was living with another guy. He blocked her just 4 weeks ago because he was losing his mind over her just waiting for her to reach out. 3 weeks ago is when he created a bumble profile and met me.

[Katarina88]

When we were on the phone on Thursday I said I’d love to see him again, and he said he would let me know. Friday he texted me in the morning as usual but was a little less chatty during the day. He said he would call me that night after his family event, and I said I love talking to him but not to feel pressured to. He never called and when I texted him something random at like midnight he replied without mentioning the call. Saturday AM he texted but was less chatty during the afternoon and made no attempt to talk on the phone so I was Like wtf? Then he had a concert last night and texted me when he got home. No phone call again today. I tried Making plans anyway and he claimed he was busy

[spartan55]

And yet you still want to continue...🙄

[Katarina88]

Well he’s not someone I’m telling my family it friends about lol. My thing is am I obviously being played? If so I will drop him right now. If I’m not but I want to see him more consistently, do I say so? Do I just Act like nothing happened and ask about plans for next weekend?

[spartan55]

Has he come to see you yet?

[Katarina88]

We met halfway the first two times but I went His way the last two. I don’t live alone so it’s weird bringing guys in just dating back

[spartan55]

I understand... well I don't know what to tell you. I don't think you will find what you want with that guy. But who knows.

[Katarina88]

Yeah I mean a super kinky guy who dumped his long term girlfriend after she moved cross country for him because he couldn’t commit? What could go wrong? 😂

Honestly I am Not expecting anything serious to come from this. I just don’t want it to be where we can’t make plans, because that’s the fun in that?

[spartan55]

I may be wrong, but I don't think you are being honest with yourself.

[Plugs]

What do u mean by -I’d like to see where things can go, I just am not willing to make it seem like I’ll take whatever I can get.

[Katarina88]

I don’t want to stop seeing him but I also don’t want to be the girl he thinks will wait around while he goes out with other girls instead.

[MasterKS]

@Plugs good point raised.

[Katarina88]

@MasterKS so how do I act now? Can’t act like everything is fine but I don’t want to be bitchy either

[MasterKS]

@Katarina88 being bitching for yourself seems logical for me.

[Plugs]

I think he’s suffer with lots of insecurity. That happens after a bad break up. Try showing u are different

[Plugs]

Talk to him please

[Katarina88]

We’ve had a lot of great conversations. We had one on the phone this past week where he texted me and thanked me for being so good to him. That’s why it really stung when he didn’t bother to see me today, knowing he won’t this week either.

[Katarina88]

@MasterKS what?

[MasterKS]

@Katarina88 followed you.

[spartan55]

@Katarina88
You DON'T KNOW that he is seeing other women every single time he isn't with you. That's ridiculous.

[Nikki1989]

The best way to handle this is to express your feelings calmly and honestly, without making accusations.

[Twalli]

If you want to go all in with him, ask him to be exclusive.

[Katarina88]

It is way too soon for that. I just think going 2 weeks between dates 4-5 is too much. To me that signals he’s prioritizing other girls

[Twalli]

I don't get this date without commitment culture. My girlfriend and I were exclusive after date 2.

[Plugs]

Without exclusivity , u can’t demand much. Try establishing exclusivity and ground rules

[Katarina88]

@Plugs I wouldn’t ask for exclusivity because he has opened up to me about what a rough time he’s having with his breakup. I just want consistency from him, not him calling me a ton and telling me all these things and inviting me places with his family to not even bothering to see me

[Plugs]

Do u know what avoidant attatchment is? Pulling away the more u like a person because u are scared. He might be really insecure

[MasterKS]

wrong person, who doesn't have time should not be in relationship.

[Anonymous]

Four times in three weeks is a lot