Should I settle for an old man?

[Anonymous]

I'm 30 years old, live in nyc. I just have never been able to fall in love and I honestly do not think I ever will. I just can't find a man who I find funny. Right now I am just seriously thinking about settling for any old dude who is desperate to get married. I think I have found one from a dating app. Dating is just so hard right now. The problem is that most young men are afraid of commitment, they're constantly looking for someone better than the last. If you want to be picked by him, you better be is ultimate dream girl, absolute perfection, soulmate. I'm from NYC, a city filled with playboys, where guys just mostly want sex. There are so many beautiful attractive girls I'm competing with here that I feel like I have a chance at all. I'm not absolute perfection myself, but I am a very nice woman who looks cute, a bit thick, educated, financially stable.

Nobody hits on me when I go out to bars. Guys rarely ever approach me. It happens maybe once every few years. I have went speed dating and honestly, New Yorkers are some of the cruelest when it comes to rejecting others.

I just feel like nobody wants to settle down here at a reasonable age. there are guys here who think 33 is too young to get married and start a family. The only guys who do want commitment tend to be the really short guys, or broke guys, or unattractive guys.

I just met this old aging 40 yr old man who is desperate to start a family. He is financially stable business owner. But his old aging looks just bother me. I can still imagine kissing him now. But I can tell he's not that far away from becoming an old unattractive aging man within 10 years or less. In 10 years, I might find myself married to someone I am completely not physically attracted to.

But I just feel like its so hard to find marriage minded men nowadays. Everyone just wants to date endlessly or hookup. I just don't know what to do.

[HollyK21]

There’s more to life than relationships, more milestones to be had which don’t include a man, and a random old desperate one at that. You’ve just lost your patience in an area you can’t afford to be so impatient. I’d rather wait and live my life, let the right guy find me. That’s how I wound up in the relationship I’m in now, ran into him complaining at random 2 different times when I was 30. You really never know what’s in store for you.

[Asker]

the thing is... I don't have time to waste. I don't have forever to start a family or have children. I do think that I need to move out of this city ASAP. Nobody is family oriented here.

[HollyK21]

I hear you, the dating scene can be trash. I just wouldn’t settle if I were you. Who knows, maybe your man isn’t in New York, maybe it’s a sign for you to travel or relocate. No you don’t have all the time in the world to waste but you can always freeze your eggs if fertility is a main concern and just wait for the man to come.

[Asker]

Egg freezing won't garuantee viable embryo

[msc545]

What, you NEED a kid? If so - adopt one.

[HollyK21]

@asker no, egg freezing isn’t always a guarantee, but it’s an option.

[HollyK21]

@msc545 that’s an option too, so many babies out there need good homes.

[Nikki1989]

Don't listen to the sad, bitter 45 plus anon and his multiple accounts. I wish gag would boot these spamming trolls once and for all.

[ohsheeT]

Ok so this is what I read in between the lines you dont get out you have experienced to many things and you want to kinda settle. I understand that to a point so tell me what happens if you pick 5 different types if guys that you would like to date ir be with and experience them in everyway abd after all five guys experiencing everything about them would it make you still want to settle or experience more

[Berethor]

Well you pretty old yourself already, your fertility start to decline, so marry an old man.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Christmas+Cake

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/age-and-fertility

[Asker]

I dont want an old man. Old man sperm tend to produce less healthy children

[silvermoon84]

I live on Long Island and yes, we New Yorkers can be brutal with rejection. I think you might have slightly better luck if you opened up to dating older, but it’s really up to you. I’m only speaking from my experience. People had been telling me for years to date men ten years older. I didn’t listen. When I was your age, I thought just like you did. Now I think a little differently. I would say stick to men your age if that’s what you prefer, but be open to giving guys who are a little bit older a chance. I finally started doing that after getting fed up with other 40 year old guys, and I found that early 50’s men seemed to have more in common with me than the ones my age did. I’m still open to dating my own age though. Just some food for thought. Don’t give up, the right guy will come when the time is right 😊

[Asker]

Im not attracted to significantly older men. I still look like Im 25. So Why would it be fair for me to settle for a wrinkly old man with a chopped up face? I just feel like im not getting a good deal. By the time im 40, options dwindling, probably would settle for a 50 yr old man

But I still prefer men around my age. Because generally speaking, women live longer lives than men. If my husband is 10 years older and his life line is shorter than mine, it means I would have nobody to care for me once I get old. I would be spending a huge chunk of my remaining years dying alone and neglected. Just something for you to consider.

[Asker]

But I think long islanders are way nicer than people from nyc. Long islanders keep to themselves but aren't as rude as them

[OneViewpoint]

LOL, what does a chopped up face on a older guy mean to you? You used the term the other day too. I've never heard that before. Are these guys sticking their heads in a meat grinder, ROFL?

And FYI, your 30's, on average for women, are gonna age you a lot more than his 40's, on average for men, are gonna age him. A 10 year age gap isn't all that dramatic. Unless the 2 people are aging drastically differently. As in one of them takes care of themselves and one is out of shape / obese.

Also, you say that men your age don't generally approach you or chat you up. Why would that change anywhere else? Have you taken a hard introspective look at yourself? Are you approachable or an obviously negative person? Do you ever start a conversation with a guy?

[Asker]

@OneViewpoint

I still look like Im 25. So Why would it be fair for me to settle for a wrinkly old man with a chopped up face?

men love to make fun of women in their 30s for aging. Guess what? the average 30 yr old woman dont even want to date a 40 yr old man. Definitely not a guy in his 50s. If she is willing to go for such a guy, she is just settling.

[silvermoon84]

We can be just as rude on Long Island. I think the city is more rough around the edges than we are which gives a rough exterior, but I’ve met a few people in the city who were still nice. Again though, I’m speaking from my own experience, not saying that you’re wrong since yours is different than mine.

If you don’t want to date older, don’t. I’m 41, I get younger men showing interest in me all the time so there are men your age out there who don’t care about age. If you feel like you would have better luck on Long Island, by all means come on over

[Asker]

I have been to long island, studied there for about 1 yr. I had more positive experiences in Long island in 1 yr than the past 10 years in manhattan. I am not kidding. People in nyc are asocial, unfriendly, avoid interacting with each other like the plague.

When I first went to hicksville for the first time, I just could not believe how friendly and personable people were. People would see my uniform, then come up to me and asked me where I went to college. A handsome truck driver checked me out as I entered a bakery. Another 2 really cute guys smiled at me while I was interning at the hospital. In NYC, guys avoid eye contact with me most of the time.

Plus, everything is clean in long island. Even their trains stations are spotless.

In NYC, everyone is always broken, smells like poo or urine. Long lines everywhere.

It just seems like all the psychopaths, sociopaths, mentally ill folks tend to gravitate towards nyc. And all the decent, respectful, employed people tend to gravitate toward long island.

Prideful NYC loyalists will destroy me for saying this but its true.

[OneViewpoint]

@Asker,

Fair has nothing to do with it. Your life, your choice. If you don’t want to date / marry an older guy, then don’t. There’s nothing wrong whatever you choose. And there’s no requirement to be fair about it. You want what you want.

But as far as your mercenary planning for a man to take care of you in your old age LOL, your younger guy could get hit by a truck in 5 years. Or you could. Either of you could come down with cancer in 10 years. All of your planning may come to nothing in the end.

So you give up 5 or 10 years with maybe someone who rocks your world and spend the rest of your life alone anyway.

That’s not my approach. If I see what I want, I grab it. I don’t care if she’s 10 ,20, or 25 years younger. Hell we may be divorced in 10 years.

[Asker]

@OneViewpoint

there are actually studies that have proven the larger the age gap, the shorter the marriage.

Large age gap can lead to incompatibility issues down the road.

Anyone with reasonable amount of intelligence would be able to understand why.

And the thing is... you pay a huge price later in life , for making dumb decisions when you were younger.

you might find yourself settling for a subpar marriage, but can't get out of it.

[jmr2191]

I live in NYC, too. The dating scene is brutal for both men and women. People have no social skills, conscientiousness has gone by the wayside, and the rules that governed social convention have been replaced with... nothing- leaving nothing but chaos. There are options. Many good men just aren't dating at this point. Like you, they've basically given up. A matchmaker is one option. The other is to get creative and assertive. You might have to meet the right men where they're at and take my obvious initiative. It may not be ideal, but this is the world we currently live in.

[Asker]

Nyc has some of the rudest, most judgmental, superficial, unkind people. People give you mean looks for no reason. If you smile at someone on the street, they blantantly ignore you. No, there aren't any good men left here. Vast majority of the young men are non committal, super picky, lack family values, believe 33 is way too early to settle down. If you go anywhere else in the US, the average 33 yr old would be urgently looking to settle down. But over here, its a city filled with playboys who only care about "having fun". And people have made it seem like im the loser for not being able to secure a relationship. When in reality, nobody has what I am looking for here. NYC is the hookup capital of the US. They call this the melting pot but I honestly think its the most segregated, passive aggressively racist cities.

Im just really looking to move away from NYC asap. I went to long island to study for a year and I had more luck there than 15 years in nyc.

The guys are also so cruel when it comes to rejecting. Its a city filled with judgmental sociopaths

I'd also be wary of any guy who proudly announces that he is a "great guy". From my experience, he usually doesn't turn out to be as nice as he thinks he is.

[jmr2191]

I wouldn't go so far as to characterize those in NYC like that, but most in NYC are rougher around the edges than in the south, for example. It's not mean, but it is blunt. NYC is also not a particularly intimate community, as most people mind their own business. That being said, there is a greater cultural problem that's not limited to NYC and on that front, I share your frustration- even from the other side of the aisle. Traditional values are harder to find in this day and age.

I would also, respectfully ask you to consider the vibes you give off. If you go into a date with the mindset of 'prove to me you're not bad like all men are,' you're going to give off very cold cues- microexpressions, pheromones... we react to this stuff. Would you respond positively to a guy who assumed the worst in you off the bat? Look, I feel beaten down, too, but you can either give up or get back up and try again.

[Asker]

No, you're terribly wrong. People here are simply not nice. And the fact you think they're simply blunt shows you probably were treated rather well here. Whites will always get treated better in manhattan than non whites.

I have been here for 30 years, since the day I was born. Dont tell me I dont know my city

I have known plenty of other transplants who move here and just absolutely hate it too.

[Asker]

Admit it or not. Most of the natives who grew up here are now completely gone. This has been happening in EVERY generation since the 1950s. People are born in nyc to immigrant parents then they leave when they grow up. If this was such a great city, nobody would be moving away. Go to Manhattan right now, the population is literally 75 to 80% transplants

[Asker]

And the unfriendliness in nyc is UNMATCHED by anywhere else in the US

[msc545]

Come to Beverly Hills or Hollywood sometime, and see how you like it...

[Asker]

@msc545

I've never been there but from what I have heard, I probably would think its around the same as NYC, only slightly more polite people.

[Asker]

@msc545

Only 2 places in the US have a reputation for the rudest people: NYC and Miami.

According to research statistics, New York also has one of the highest number of psychopaths in the US.

[Anonymous]

Chances are it’s you. You probably wanted away your 20s, rather then trying to meet someone chances are you wanted to be free, single n independent. Or had nothing to do w you not finding a man funny. You’re trying to cope. Now you’ve realized you’re almost on your way out that door w no one to take care of you when you get old. You reloaded you pretty much have to work the rest of your life to live. You make it sound as though you’re doing all these “old men” a favor by settling for one of them when it’s you who needs this favor. A lot of men who are old as you say want nothing to do w women your age. The other issue may be you being finally stable as well as educated. Women who are usually like you have trouble staying in relationships or finding one because they tend to be masculine.

[Asker]

Haha you sound like another bitter hateful old man. Nothing you've said was true. Just 100% bitterness and projection

[Opinion Owner]

Typical answer from a female who doesn’t want to accept the reality. I don’t need to be bitter or projecting. Been married for 20 years. The funny thing is women like you don’t ever think or maybe something is wrong w me. Let me ask the men what they may think is wrong as to why I can’t meet someone. No. You blame men while accepting no responsibility of your actions. You have too much pride that you can’t have a conversation w men. To ask men questions such as w the way things have change in the dating scene how do you increase your chances. But you’d rather hold onto your pride n stay single then to learn something.

[Asker]

how do you make random assumptions about someone you have never met then insist they're true?

only a pissed, jaded, bitter, hurt old man

you can't insist you know everything about someone you know nothing about

[Opinion Owner]

Same way you make assumptions about me being bigger n jaded lol

[Asker]

because you sound like one

[Opinion Owner]

And you sound like everything I said so stop acting like you don’t judge or that you’re better then everyone else

[HighValue]

I'm 44 and in better shape and look better than many men in their late 20s. I have no interest in women past 30 though because I am good enough to have plenty of options.

You are in NYC though, which is filled with immoral, liberal people, so I would suggest finding someone elsewhere and leaving that place if you are a normal, morally good person.

[Asker]

You dont have plenty of options. Especially as you head onto 50. I dont know of many women my age who would want to go for a 44 yr old. Sorry. Good enough to fuck but too old to marry

[HighValue]

You have no idea what many young women in their early to mid 20s want. Not surprising since so many women don't know or don't want to admit what they actually want. Of course you don't like what I say because you are one of the undesirable 30 + women that has very few options for the rest of your life.

[Asker]

@highvalue

studies actually show that young women only want men 2-3 years older on average.

most common age gap all around the world is 2.2 years.

there is no evidence that shows women want significantly older men.

Even 30 yr old women don't want 40 yr old men

[Anonymous]

Reading your conversation between @hollyk21 . Did you ever consider that there's a good reason you're still single? Like based on what you posted it's probably best if you didn't have kids. I mean it's fine for you to f*** up your life. And it's not really OK for you to f*** up his. But if he chooses that, then that's on him. But the kids don't deserve this.

I think you need to learn a good dose of humility. It's not just about what you want.👍💯

[Asker]

I just never found a guy I truly wanted.

Its quite funny how when people see a single woman, they always assume its her fault.

The misogyny

[Asker]

Im definitely not gonna fuck up my life. I have a great career, financially stable, can afford to live a great life. Im not a burden or a drag on anyone. While everyone else can't afford to feed their kids, I can afford to give my kids a decent upbringing

[Opinion Owner]

Not always, just a great majority of thier time. Because a lot of the time the don't take responsibility for the role they play in thier own life. And as far as being able to take care of your kids. Kids need love more than anything. Based on your question you don't have a very good understanding of what love is. If you did you wouldn't be saying, I want, I want, I want.
But at least (so far) you're smart enough to remain single. I hope one day you figure it out.👍💯

[Asker]

@opinionowner

You sound like a bitter hateful old man who is angry a young woman doesn't want him.

[Opinion Owner]

Why would I want a young woman? My wife wouldn't let me keep her.😆

[Asker]

@opinionowner

Im 100% sure you dont have a wife

Thats why you're so bitter and hateful.

You just want me but can't handle the fact im not attracted to you, old man

[Opinion Owner]

Well I'm sorry you feel thar way. Reality doesn't stop being reality just because you find it unpalatable.😆 Nor would I pretend to assume all the responsibilities of my marriage of 31 years. If I didn't have to. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. But this is the point that escapes you. Marriage takes continuous effort and sacrifice. Something you're quite clearly NOT ready for as I have demonstrated and you continue to affirm. Despite the 😆 throngs of men lining up to wed you.🤦‍♂️

[msc545]

Why would a guy want a fat older girl like you when, with the money he has, he can get a younger, thinner one?

The money is what you are all about in this, so I am sure you understand that you are not a good deal.

[Asker]

because hot young girls aren't interested in old ugly men.

[Asker]

even a fat, older girl doesn't want him. why would a young hot one want him?

men like you, need to wake up.

[msc545]

If he has enough money, they ARE. Kinda of like you are except you are older.

[msc545]

In the US, Money means EVERYTHING to women.

[Asker]

@msc545

you think that way because you never have a life outside the internet.

go take a walk outside and you will rarely ever find a 40 yr old man hugging, kissing and holding hands with a 20 yr old girl.

this is just the truth.

young people tend to date young people.

[msc545]

I live in Beverly Hills, California. Don't tell me to take a walk where I walk every day, and don't try to tell me what I will or will not see.

Where do you live, little girl?

[Sal_Monella]

An 8-10 year difference is what it should be. I'll explain if you care.

[Asker]

yea but what if i end up being married to someone im completely not physically attracted to in 10 years?

I prefer a 5 yr age gap over a 10 yr age gap. But most guys around my age don't want to commit.

[Sal_Monella]

"what if i end up being married to someone I'm completely not physically attracted to in 10 years?"
You should be able to detect that now. Love is a decision, not a feeling.

[Asker]

@sal_monella

I don't think i can stay married to someone long term if I'm not physically attracted to them just after 5-7 years being married to them

[Asker]

i know that people lose their looks eventually. but when I'm still young, having hot sex, high sex drive. Not being sexually attracted to my spouse is a huge problem.

[Sal_Monella]

Then take on a Friend With Benefits" and trade him in like a Honda Accord when his paint starts peeling.

[Asker]

I might not leave him but cheat on him.
reality that most people don't realize is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
if i leave him for another younger, more attractive man, I might not even be treated better.

[Asker]

the whole point in me wanting to be married is so that I can have someone be there for me once I get old.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is absolutely disgusting to read and quite honestly no guy wants to date you because of that horrendous nasty attitude you have

[Asker]

sorry I offended you