I'm going to settle for an older man I'm not in love with but if he already knows this (he knows and doesn't care), no harm done right?

[Anonymous]

The now 46 year-old was an acquaintance from the longest; I was then 18 when we met but declined him for a date. Let's call my ex boyfriend Joe and him Charles. When I was 23 and he was 38, Charles made an offer I've rejected. I felt I was too young at the time and didn't even love him. It would take a long time to realize love alone is overrated and isn't enough if you're not getting what you want.

It's different now. I'm now 31. Just two weeks ago, he offered that same bargain, said this was my final chance and I had until the next day to make the decision. The condition was I had to immediately dump my boyfriend of 7 years. I've stated many times not being happy in my relationship and this time accepted the bargain. I've proceeded to ending my relationship that become stagnant. Charles showed me a couple medical diagnoses, which revealed to having several health issues (diabetes being one of them and he barely survived Covid) and even predicted he'll likely die before even reaching age 75. He doesn't have any siblings, distant relatives, he never knew his father, his mother died years ago and has no children. His only wish is to have a child he can leave everything to before he dies; basically to leave a legacy.

He actually knows very well I'm not in love with him (though I empathize with and care for him) but claims to not care for that. He always thought I was the ideal mother. It's good at least I don't have to pretend to be in love with him. Joe was insulted that I dumped him for Charles. He kept saying that I'm dumping him for a nearly 50 year-old, kept saying ''Have you lost your mind, so you threw away 7 years for an old man, you disgusting (bad words said)''. Now I'm wondering, 7 years of what? Charles is going to give me what Joe never gave me.

If we've both agreed with the deal, he knows I'm not in love with him but doesn't mind, no harm done right?

[Oliverlogan263]

I know you've been wanting more out of life for a while, but getting into a relationship for pragmatic reasons alone is rarely a good idea, especially when you admit you don't love the person. A few things to consider:

- Charles saying this is your "final chance" is manipulative and puts unfair pressure on you. Don't rush into such a big decision.

- He may say he doesn't care about love now, but feelings can change and it's not fair to get his hopes up if you know you won't develop it.

- You owe it to both of you to only commit if you seriously believe love could grow over time as you build a life together - otherwise it likely won't last and may end messily.

- Think about why you're wanting kids/security now versus finding a partner you're truly in love and compatible with. Settling often leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

I know you want more from life, but it starts from within. Maybe take some time alone before diving into another situation from a place of lack vs abundance. You deserve to find real love sis!

[Asker]

While I appreciate your concerns, the paperworks have already been done. A week after I've accepted his offer, he went to the courthouse and filed the paperworks for the wedding. It's been reviewed and within a couple day, we have to then set up the reservation and date.
I really empathize with his situation and have do care for him. Like someone else stated, there have been cases where people in arranged marriages have actually fallen in love slowly after certain time have passed. That might be my case. Who knows if I can eventually grow to love him after all. I feel that's my chance right there.
Otherwise starting a whole new relationship will take time and within 2-3 years, I'll be 33-34 years old, then if engaged (lasting for 6 months to a year), I would be a mother at age 35 by then. Too much when I can be a mother (and him a father for the first time) very soon with him, now this year.

[Oliverlogan263]

I can understand why this feels like an opportunity for you, but moving forward so quickly still concerns me. A few more thoughts:

- Just because the paperwork is done doesn't mean you're obligated if deep down you have doubts. Your happiness should be the top priority.

- Falling in love later is possible in arranged marriages, but not guaranteed and often takes openness/work from both. You'd essentially be betting your future that you'll connect in a way you haven't yet.

- Starting fresh could take 2-3 years, but so could ending things if this doesn't feel right long run. You don't want to look back with regret over rushing an important life decision.

- At his age, his ability to be an active father for many years is uncertain. Are you truly ready for that potential caretaking role so soon?

Have you considered counseling to work through your feelings before legally committing? An objective third party could help ensure this path feels completely right for you, not just expedient. Your future is too important not to be certain. I just want the best for you - please promise me you'll really think this through.

[exitseven]

If this guy was with you for 7 years and did not ask you to get married I wounder why you waited that long.

[Asker]

It's ok. I got the laugh in the end. I'm going to get marriage through Charles within this month. I waited long because I thought he loved me enough to make me a wife and mother of his kids. I was blind and realized just love alone is overrated. That's not enough. They can say they love you all they want, that you're the love of their lives, so love you so much and still keep us at just girlfriend status for too long. He was using me the whole time.

[exitseven]

Thanks for the MHO😎

[DishLady]

That’s weird…. I’d never just settle. I’d rather be single.

[Asker]

So you would rather be single even if it means never having child on a good timeframe?

[DishLady]

Yeah…

[Asker]

Understandable. Personally, I want to experience motherhood and taking this chance.

[DishLady]

That doesn’t require settling.

[Asker]

But not as a single mother though. I still believe the child should be raised with a mom and dad... and married.

[AI Opinion]

Diving into the deep end of relationship dynamics, aren't we? Let's unpack this suitcase of emotions and practicalities. 😏 First off, entering a relationship without love but with clear, mutual understanding can work for some, especially if both parties are singing from the same sheet of music about their expectations. However, and this is where we turn the page to a more cautionary tale, relationships founded on transactions rather than emotions carry their own set of risks and potential for heartache.

You mention that Charles sees you as the ideal mother for his future child and seems okay with not being loved in return. While it’s touching in a novel kind of way, the essence of love, care, and mutual respect are what truly nourish the soul of any relationship. If you're stepping into this with eyes wide open, aware of the compromises and sacrifices, then who am I to judge? Yet, remember, dear, the heart has a funny way of rewriting the rules of the game, and sometimes, we end up craving the very thing we thought we could do without - genuine, heart-thumping love.

On the flip side, leaving Joe because the relationship felt stagnant is a sign that you're seeking growth, fulfillment, and perhaps a form of security that love alone hasn't provided you. Just be mindful, love, that decisions made under the guise of practicality over passion can sometimes lead to a wandering heart or a yearning soul down the road.

So, no harm done? Well, if both parties are wearing their heart-shaped glasses and are okay with the view, perhaps. But tread carefully through this emotional minefield. The heart and happiness are often entwined in ways we least expect. Remember, the choice of partner should be the one who hits the sweet spot between emotional fulfillment and practical partnership. And who knows? Maybe love will find its way through the cracks of this arrangement. 💘 Just be sure to keep those eyes and heart open, darling.

[DrPepper12]

What's he giving you? A kid or his wealth (I assume that's what you mean by bargain)?

Are you just using this as an easy excuse to bail on a failing relationship?

I don't know I'm getting selfish, lazy golddigger vibes tbh.

[Asker]

I have my own assets myself. When I was living with my loser ex boyfriend, I only put my house for rent; never sold it.
The bargain he was asking for, which I've already accepted is an arranged marriage at a courthouse and having a child. He already knows I'm not in love with him. He always knew I wasn't in love with him but still offered me the deal. What is there to play with if we of both know what we're getting into? This isn't your typical romantic ''and they live happily ever after''story. This isn't romance.

[Asker]

We have want kids so that's something in common. In a each we're doing each other a favor. He's giving me a child and this arrangement before my time runs out and I'm giving him a child and a good, comfort life before his health issues gets worse. If he offered me that deal himself and once again knows this isn't for romance, then no harm done?

[DrPepper12]

I guess not. It seems so transactional maybe that's where I'm getting hung up

[Asker]

It is indeed a transaction. Honestly arranged marriages existed in the past and still do today. Bargains always existed.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a contract that both of you can agree on so who knows, you might be happy anyway but in a different way, he is barely 20 years older

[Asker]

Yeah and I can actually place myself in his shoes. I deeply empathize with him and his situation. At the same time, we're giving each other what we want; a child. He has already gone to the courthouse and presented the paperworks for the wedding. We have to wait for a couple days and the next step is scheduling the date. There was no over the knee proposal nor any romantic seen (it isn't going to be religious either) so yeah this is like similar to a business transaction we're doing.

[Opinion Owner]

Since you’re both fully aware of what you’re getting into then it might work out well, and who knows maybe you’ll actually fall in love with him after awhile. They have arranged marriages in other countries and sometimes they fall in love with each other after awhile

[Asker]

and here is a quick update as of now:
Charles and I updated our profile to engaged. We got a reaction for my ex boyfriend, lol. He started calling me names and claiming how he's glad to have never marry me, that he's glad he kept me as a girlfriend. If he's glad why that anger in that message?
Charles and I are going to write a retaliatory reply back to him.

[Opinion Owner]

He’s just mad you dumped him and that’s him trying to make you mad but obviously the relationship wasn’t going anywhere or you wouldn’t have left especially after 7 years, most people get married in 2 years

[Asker]

Exactly. I should've dumped him much earlier. Meanwhile I'll be getting married very soon this month, he's going to start the dating process all over again, lol. He can enjoy his empty, pointless life of dating forever.

[Opinion Owner]

I guess he will be more experienced for the next woman and not make the same mistake again

[Anonymous]

😆😆😆

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Wjtxo6gmns0

[Asker]

Nope. I dumped him because the relationship wasn't going anywhere after 7 damn years. 7 years and still just at boyfriend and girlfriend and still childless. I was worried already. I took actions and went for my closest actions.
How much longer could've continued waiting, for another 3 years of nothing?

[Asker]

**closest option
At this point Charles is my closest option. Meaning I would've been a childless girlfriend forever with Joe, I'm going to be married with kids with Charles. Big mistake? Nope

[Opinion Owner]

Lady I don't really care what you do. I just think it's funny.

[In_Trance]

Yeah that's going to go well

[Asker]

I got a reaction from my ex boyfriend as soon as me and Charles updated our profile to engaged, lol. He wrote me an angry message, calling me names and how he was glad he never married me. I'm prepared to message him back a retaliatory reply.
If he's glad why is he upset and calling me names?

[spartan55]

@asker
He was being sarcastic. Duh.

[Asker]

@spartan55
Yeah and both me and Charles wrote him a reply back, told him to continue having fun in his empty life of eternal dating, that he's going to die alone eventually because after all everyone dies.

[spartan55]

Classy indeed.

[spartan55]

What could go wrong here?

[Asker]

Nothing that I can think about if both of us know the deal and what we're getting into.

[spartan55]

Yeah, keep telling yourself that.

[Asker]

Actually I'd rather proceed with the arranged marriage (nor romance but whatever) and have kids with someone I'm not in love than continue being an eternal girlfriend to Joe, no future whatsoever, pointless and my motherhood years gone.

[Asker]

both aren't the best but I can't deny that the eternal, childless girlfriend position is terrible to any woman that wants kids already.

[jahaims]

Sad.

[Asker]

Though we're both doing each other a favor. In a way he's saving my years and will make me a mother soon and I'll make him a father for the first time. He has already filed the paperworks. This process will be faster (non-religious). There is no romance in this.