Am I wrong for this?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. He has twin daughters who are 11. They're great kids and easy to get along with. My boyfriend has full custody of his children so throughout our relationship date nights have been pretty rare. I understood the situation going in to the relationship but now 6 years in, I'm starting to feel some resentment. I know I'm wrong for that. I'm being selfish. But part of me feels really sad I've spent the last few years of my 20s and first few years of my 30s not getting to go out and have date nights and do quality things together just us. We do rarely. But when we do it's the one or two things we always do. It's never anything new or exciting. I wanted so badly to take him on a trip for his upcoming 40th Birthday but he's not willing to find a sitter for more than a night so whatever we do would be super limited. If we even get to go this would be our 2nd "trip" together in 6 years. The last one was nearly 5 years ago when we had 2 nights away. We have taken a couple trips together in that as a family with his kids and those were great trips. But am I wrong for feeling resentful and upset that we aren't getting those date nights and little trips away together. I just hate the idea I'll be nearly 40 before his kids are grown and we can finally start doing those romantic things together I've always wanted.

[Anonymous]

No, you're not wrong for feeling this way. Your feelings are completely valid. It's easy to get caught up in the idea that you should be selfless and understanding because you knew what you were getting into. But feelings aren't always logical, and it's human to feel a sense of loss or disappointment about not having the kind of relationship experiences you desire. You've dedicated six years of your life to this relationship, and it's natural to want to progress to a new stage where you can have more personal time together. A relationship, even one with a family, requires dedicated one-on-one time to thrive. It’s not about being selfish; it's about having legitimate needs for connection, romance, and shared experiences outside of the family dynamic. It's okay to feel sad that you're missing out on those moments right now. Your feelings of resentment are a sign that something needs to change, not that you are a bad person.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I appreciate that you gave me a well thought out answer. I can appreciate you looking at this from my perspective as well. I think maybe some people who've never been in this situation can't understand what it's actually like.

[ohsheeT]

Well your a beautiful person for being his friend and lover. And step mom your going to t look at things the way you do until something changes it.. so fir now be the thing that changes it

One night tell him to get in the car. Any place where you live cells? Just ice cream cones, if not go to you and him you each get an ice cream. Cone, you go to a park. You go up on the hill. You go someplace where you can see things and then you tell him to kiss you. make out for a few minutes then say get off me crazy man and go home. Those little moments like that will refresh you both and will give him a moment to think about things and maybe he will understand what you're doing without you telling him

[HollyK21]

Maybe it’s time for you to put some serious thought into where your relationship is going, and if you’re genuinely content being in it. Despite your hopes that things would change as time went on, 6 years later it should be pretty clear to you that this may be an “it is what it is” situation. Having full custody of kids doesn’t leave a lot of free time, and when those kids still have a ways to go before 18, that could mean you’re looking at however many more years of this, which I’m not sure you want to sacrifice.

[Nikki1989]

It's not so much about choosing between you and his kids. It's about finding a healthy balance that nourishes both the family and the relationship. You will have to work on that.

[DishLady]

After six years of being with this going you’re resentful of the established status quo you’re just being ridiculous. Stop whining and either stay with the guy AS IS or find your travel companion (who will most likely be a lesser man who would abandon his obligations to go galavanting). This guy is way too mature and responsible for you.

[Abbycado]

Yeah, because you should have known when you signed up with a guy that has two kids it wouldn’t be like how you want it to be.

[Asker]

That's fair, I knew it wouldn't. I guess I just thought maybe we could make time to have a date night once a month or so. I guess I'm just disappointed by that

[Abbycado]

I don’t think it is unreasonable to set aside time for date night. Have you talked to him about that?

[Asker]

And I knew we wouldn't get date nights every week or be traveling that often. I guess I just thought as our relationship progressed maybe he'd put in slightly more effort for us to get that time together. I don't think I realized we'd be going 3 months at a time without getting a Saturday night out together

[Abbycado]

Don’t the kids spend time with their mom? Could you plan date nights then?

[Asker]

I have. I think in his mind he knows he worked so hard to have custody of them he shouldn't be asking anyone else to babysit for him. Which I can understand but I don't think he's looking at it from my perspective

[Asker]

So it boils down to when his ex-wife asks to watch the kids for the weekend. That kinda dictates when we get to go on a date. Sometimes that's one month, sometimes it's 2 months or even 3 months

[Asker]

They sleep at her house on weeknights while we're at work (we work 3rd shift) but other than that she just has them occasionally on the weekends. Kind of whenever she feels like it or isn't working. Which sometimes is several weeks between weekends

[Abbycado]

I think it is not unreasonable for him to set aside at least one night a month to have date night. That should be doable

[Asker]

Thank you. I really rambled on but thanks for chatting with me

[Abbycado]

Oh, it’s no trouble at all. I really hope you can get something worked out. He should put some effort into that. I mean one night is not a lot to ask in a month.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[RHK36]

Leave that relationship or don't complain. You knew what you were getting into, so instead of hoping for someone else to change you should find someone you're more compatible with or again, don't complain.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I believe so.

[In_Trance]

You're wrong