There are way too many options and matches, with very less emotional intimacy. It’s probably too soon to tell, but it gets exhausting having similar conversations with multiple people. A few guys have been good to know, intellectually so far but less emotionally invested. How do you usually navigate this paradox of choice?
The abundance of choice is largely an illusion. A relationship with someone who isn't local to you isn't very likely to work out. You might get past the initial steps in the process, but rarely will you get beyond that. Long distance relationships almost never last, and because they are all work and almost no payoff, people get bored and move on easily.
As a woman, you can get matches with hot guys out of your area, but those guys have access to every woman in the state, and are taking full advantage of that, believe me, and so they aren't looking to commit to anyone.
All dating apps really do is encourage you (any woman) to seek out men in a larger area and at a higher level than you'll ever get a commitment from, so essentially, they are designed to waste your time and make you fail. That's their business model - if they actually connected people, it would reduce their customer base.
In the long run, you will do much better trying to meet local guys in person by going to parties and events locally and meeting guys in person. That's not what women ever want to hear, but it's the truth.
No, I agree with you. That’s a much safer and logical choice, and more likely to lead to something meaningful. That’s what I’ve been doing most of my life though, so just wanted to give this a try and see what it’s like. Although, I have met few interesting guys…how far it’ll go, only time will tell.
Well, at least you seem to be realistic about your expectations. I'll just add that most men who are looking for, or would at least consider a relationship, have been driven off of the apps, so you won't find many of them there. The guys that stick with the apps are mostly guys just looking for casual sex - and the truth is that they get it more often than you'd think (and I'm not talking about the hot Chads that everyone knows get laid a ton, I'm talking about the more average guys who are fairly aggressive about getting casual sex and aren't afraid to be pretty mean to those who won't give it). They certainly strike out a lot, but they just treat it as a numbers game and crank through girls as fast as possible until they get a "yes" - which, as I said, happens more often than you'd think.
You're going to run into that often enough that you will want to believe that they represent all men, but they don't. Remember, the "relationship men" largely aren't on the apps at all. Nor do they go out to pick up women. They only leave the house for work, to hang out with friends, and occasionally go to events - concerts, food festivals, and similar things in their local area. Resist the temptation to paint these men with the same brush.
I personally fit into the second category myself. I understand why you say that, because I’ve done that myself. Some guys, who I know would be good but don’t flirt too well or can’t feel that spark or connection with online, so have to turn down. And I usually ask guys how long they’ve been on the app beforehand, so those who are fairly new like me, turn out to be decent ( so far at least). The rest, just sort of fade away into background noise and I try to keep away from those who have been using the app for years or look like they have a very polished profile.
The best way I found to deal with that was to not take things too seriously until they become real and tangible. You have to recognize that none of that stuff is real until a physical, mental connection has been formed.
Yes, you theoretically have choice, but your choice is between multiple ideas or images that you have of someone and not the person they actually are.
It's not a real choice because your options aren't real until they're... well... real.
My only other solution is to just stay away from the apps. I don't know that that is really a good solution though.
Yup! And what sucks is that a whole lot of even those people have no intention of ever meeting you in person. They're just shooting the breeze with you for validation and to "see if they've still got it." So what you look at and see as an option could easily be some asshole wasting your time to fluff up their ego because daily life just ain't cutting it for them.
Opinion
28Opinion
Women are the ones who have a paradox of choice on dating apps. Most men struggle to get even a single match.
To handle option overload, get a good understanding of yourself. The person you would be compatible with would have similar views, interests (doesn't have to be on everything), sense of humor, goals should align, sexual desires, etc.
Ask questions when conversing with them online that answers those questions. That's what I do. I play a game of 20 questions. It doesn't have to be interview-like or boring. You add your own personality into it. I find voice messaging to be much more personable and gives you a better understanding of each other.
Well of course because almost everyone is looking for the same thing.. so when not Face to face there would be almost the same chat question. Life question.
But what changes all of that in every way. Is when looking deep in to each other's eyes this is also when you experience the power of energy * chemistry* when 2 people experience this type of communications it just changes everything..
It’s the illusion of choice.
In theory: if you walk out on the street you have endless options.
As many options as you allow yourself to have by engaging with people
Dating apps just funnel that into perspective, they show you the potential options on a menu-like screen
The truth is it’s not endless choices only endless possibilities. Meaning just like in the real world you’re as likely to get along as you are not to
Humans have always solved this problem by “ignoring it” in a way.
Finding their lot and building the dependency and investment needed to stick together.
Which is a fancy way of saying: don’t look at the excessive options as a challenge to pick the best one or constantly compare the one you chose with what’s out there
Because you will always find better somewhere
Only that “better” doesn’t know you like the one who’s been there for a long time
That’s what makes people worth keeping around. The answers they give when you don’t even have to ask questions. The reflection of yourself you see when you look in their eyes.
It sounds corny but it’s what worked for those who’ve made it work
You’re actually right. In a street, we don’t end up talking to everyone although there are so many people. On apps, after matching you don’t know what a person is like, so you start with the same grind till you start to find out what they’re like. I guess it just takes some time to narrow down, who’s consistent and worth investing time and energy into.
And I agree with your answer, especially the last part.
There aren't many people that make it worth it to talk to. I learned to think about it very selfishly. If a women doesn't make me want to keep talking to her from the start, how could I expect to be happy in 20 years with her... No offense to people but if someone doesn't make it worth it for me to talk to them I don't bother with it long. When I really connect with a person we can't stop talking and it's never about the normal stuff people talk about. I always try really hard to stand out at first and be different. if the women doesn't match my energy I don't bother with small talk long... If a women can't make me want to be around her don't ask to meet. I know the effort I'm putting into trying to find someone... I feel like very few people are able to match that energy.
Yeah true, most people filter themselves out after 2-3 days, because they either don’t have the patience to get to know someone on a deeper level or just can’t match your energy and depth, so it’s better to leave it at that. The initial process of getting to know a new person is the same though, which gets tiring but have made a few interesting connections so let’s see. Gonna try it for a week or two more, and then decide.
Connecting with a new person is my favorite part... I like not knowing there patterns, and what to expect yet. For me its like tasting an orange for the first time its a brand new taste and it's amazing. My problem is that second bite is dull compared to the first unless they can put a new energy into it. That's the part I don't like... i want to always be passionate for the "orange" not eat it because I'm hungry. I do have a question thou you don't have to answer me on her but do think about it... what are you tryin to decide and how is a week or two going to help you decide? I feel like when I know I know... I'm not sure how to explain that.
I get what you’re saying. If it’s one or two people then it’s exciting for me as well, but when it’s like 15-20 people, then it becomes repetitive and I don’t want to repeat the same things to a bunch of random people. So, yeah what I meant is, I’ll explore for another week or so if dating apps are for me or not, otherwise just delete it and meet people irl, like before. Maybe, if I find one or two guys worth continuing things with, then switch to another app.
Honestly,..
Too many options don’t faze me.. n I’m not here to chat endlessly just for the sake of talking..
Emotional depth, integrity, n curiosity matter far more than fleeting attention..
I notice the rare few who dare to meet me fully mind, heart, n spirit..
The rest? Ha! Simply unworthy of my time.. ☕😏
I don’t linger for comfort or distraction.. I observe, I feel, I gauge character
Only those bold enough to rise to my level earn my attention n even then, they must prove it..
The paradox of choice? It doesn’t confuse me, it clarifies it..
Life n connection isn’t about quantity, but quality, depth, n courage..
So,.. who’s daring enough to step into my world, match my pace, n actually keep up? ..🥂😉
I wonder are you one of them? ☕
I get what you mean, I’m the same way as well.
But I guess it takes time and consistency as well as emotional depth to know someone like that.
You’re so right about quality over quantity. I prefer exactly that. Just the initial process to gauge who is worth your time and attention in the long run, gets exhausting.
You can dm, if you want to chat more.
I appreciate your opinion 😊
U r right Pearl, real connection takes time, depth, n presence..
Not everyone is meant to reach that level, most only see the surface, few hv the patience to explore what lies beneath..
The process may feel exhausting, but it quietly reveals who’s real n who’s only passing through..
I’d rather walk alone in truth than rush with the crowd in illusion..
Peace over noise always.. 😊🙏🏻
Absolutely..
I couldn’t agree more actions, effort, n consistency reveal who’s truly invested..
Patience is key.. Not everyone has the depth, courage, or willingness to explore the real u..
Those who do? They stay..
The rest? They fade naturally..
It’s about honoring your standards, protecting your peace, n letting clarity guide who remains in your life.. 😊
The key is to not overwhelm yourself with matches. Once you get over ten it is time to stop swiping. If you do find yourself overwhelmed by the number start asking qualifying questions. For instance, do you have any pets, what kind of relationship are you looking for, do you want kids. Now you can usually find some of the answers to these questions in most profiles; but it is rare to find all of them in a single profile. As well, the answers to these questions are often important enough to let you sort out individuals that are worth pursuing from those that aren't. Feel free to come up with your own questions if these don't get your matches down to a manageable level.
I don't think you understand that most men at least do not get much choice since women rarely respond to most of us. Statistically about 80% of us get ignored completely which includes myself. I am a highly educated professional who is moderately good looking but not overly so and certainly not wealthy nor am I tall. Those things automatically take me out of the running. They turned out to be true for about 80 to 90% of men on dating apps. The only reason I am still on a dating app is because to cancel it feels like I am giving up. In fact, I actually am giving up on dating. It's not worth the risk or the hassle.
As a woman, you will find that things are very different for you and your problem may be simply too many choices and too many decisions. My problem in that of many men is no choices and no possible decisions to make other than to keep paying them or quit.
I’m starting to understand that more now. Actually, feel bad for some guys because like you said, many are educated and professionals but once you are kind of pitched against so many men, you can often get overlooked due to other parameters. I think it does suck for both, in different ways.
Find someone you are attracted to, ask a few questions about morals and interest to see how compatible you may be, then meet IRL. There may be good guys on there, but they aren't very interested in endless texting, or they would have better interactions in person that online.
You should message first when looking for someone. Many of the guys that are very comfortable messaging first and sounding good in online conversations are very experienced with it, which means they are more likely to use you. (FYI, that is what the majority of women choose because they tend to make the exact same mistakes over and over for years.)
There are excessively many options and matches, but you still have no way of knowing what these people are really like. It is so much easier and safer to meet people in the real world, so you have a better idea of who you are talking to.
Pssst... get off the dating apps and go meet men face to face. No photos. Real time conversation. With voice inflections. And eye contact. In a real social situation. With other people around.
Yes, your choices will be far more limited. And so will theirs. But based on your reaction to unlimited choice, is that a bad thing?
I think your instinct with the unlimited swiping left and right is correct by the way. There is such a thing as too much choice. It can become paralyzing. Or at best, no better than random choice. Aka, close your eyes and pick one.
Slow it down. Spend the time selecting more carefully from a limited group of options. Leave the FOMO for people who love insecurity.
That's a female problem. In college I did an experiment where I made male and female profiles. Female profiles of a big fat ugly cow looking women that looks like they're about to grow a beard did about as well as super buff hairless males with rippling muscles.
Yeah, you get a lot of choices and look so average in your profile picture that I honestly think your AI generated to be an average, or here in America, above average, so I'm betting you have hundreds... like no joke. And every dude reading this that's never made a female profile is probably thinking I'm full of shit.
So yeah... why is it a paradox of choice? Please tell us. You gonna do what I've seen most women do and just go for the hawt guys even though they say shit like "I'm in jail for raping children" or "Yo bitch... wanna som fuk?" I've seen it all, and I'm pretty convinced you're AI asking questions for G@g's now that I think about it.
At the same time, I totally get it if you don't want to carry on paragraphs of conversations with so many men. I guess you could say I'm sort of torn on this issue. I've seen it from your shoes and it's retarded from all angles. Gone are the days where I would just make a craigslist post and be fucking later that night.
I'm a guy. I don't have that many choices. As for similar conversations with all of them, it's because that's the type of conversation you'd have with anyone. You just don't like saying the same thing to multiple people because it sounds like you are repeating yourself. Keep in mind, these guys don't know you've told multiple other guys the same thing.
I think you should try as a man. You might get an interesting experience.
But men and women have different problems in dating. I guess your role as a woman is to filter out and find quality. To see through men's facades.
As long as it feels okay I think moving to a quick coffee meetup to just say hello in person is the play.
Even if you agree to just meet. Say Hi. Share a hug. Ask about the weather and then leave that will tell you a lot about the person and your chemistry.
And as some other guys have pointed out, excess of choice is mostly a problem for women.
This is exactly why technology is killing dating. And it’s horrible for us men too, when we’re all going for the attractive women and they can only deal with so many people… Meanwhile my luck, I’m at the bottom of their pile of matches and I never get a chance to even make an impression. 🙄
Not to mention the psychological effects of these girls getting all these options. They all think they deserve giga Chad’s because they hooked up with 8 dudes that never had any intention of getting to know them, but… “I got them to sleep with me so that means everything.”
I was on Match. com for years. Eventually I met my wife. On match. com, people have a written profile. I could judge a lot from someone's profile. Was it spelled correctly, with correct grammar? Did it tell me something interesting? Was it humorous in any way?
Totally feel you. too many options can be overwhelming. I try to focus on quality over quantity and really invest in the ones who click instead of spreading myself too thin.
Time... It takes time and communication to see what you are looking for.
lol. Dating apps are a scam and 90% of accounts are scammers. You're better off looking for someone at a bar or a football game.
Men dcatter tjrir choice to many hoping some will bite but end up juggling some without being focused on one.
lol as a guy there's no paradox. there's barely any matches, so not much of a "choice". that's cause there's probably 100 men for every 1 woman on dating sites.
I stopped using apps in my early 20's when my typical match was like this:
@pearl222 guess that's why some people prefer real life 🧬😉
I heard that paid versions work better. Honestly you can probably meet a better person wherever you spend free time or have a friend play matchmaker.
Keep clicking like and when there is an obvious scam profile, i block it. When i match, i will unmatch if i didn't want to match with her. This method doesn't make the algorithm stop showing you.
Choice? I don't even get a match, what choice?
Dating apps are a scam
I dont use dating apps.
I don't use any kind of apps.
I dont deal lol
Just choose who best suits your taste and style!
Don't go there.
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