Should I pursue a single mother? I want to get out there, but the sea is turbulent. Is the risk worth the reward?

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

I was in a 21 year relationship. (04-25) We dated at 17, she was unalived by a someone 12 days before our wedding anniversary. The marriage fell apart and this was the final blow.

I'm 38. I have the physical features of being attractive (tall, protector like, voice) and the mentality of, kindness first, listening second, genuine connection third. These are all closely tied together and interchangeable. The ladies are not so much interested in me who don't have children. I accept that and women are free to choose who they will just as much as I am.

However, I've been trapped with this person for so long and I'm fierce with my loyalty. I was never unfaithful even with my girlfriends before her, I'm totally out of my depth with dating.

Given my age and for many different reasons, single mothers are a huge thing. While I don't hate or look down on them, I have concerns. I saw what it was like with my stepdad for years. This man hated me. He was never allowed to be an autonomous parent in the father role and this created a chasm between us. I had a dad physically present, but never connected.

If I choose a woman with children (which I want and never had), would this woman love me for me and not see me as an:

Emotional support animal

Bank

Beast of burden

I understand the challenges that come with this and if there is a break up and the child gets attached, it would be devastating. I'm not wreckless or seeking sex perse. My body count is 2. Meaningful relationships are more important and to me having intimacy is sacred and not to be thrown around. I have a hard time with men who can just sleep around and make friends with them. I'm a dork. I'd rather hold your hand at the dinner table and ask how your day was. Leave me alone haha

Any advice would be appreciated.

I am very familiar with MGTOW, 3rd wave feminism, different colored "pills", metoo, courts, child support, alimony, etc. Please reply without bias. That's all I ask.

[Chazmatazz269]

Never. It can go one of two ways. First, you will never be a priority, because she’ll always have her kids as an excuse even if that’s not the real reason you are never a priority. Second, she’ll prioritize you at the expense of her kids. Even if you’re okay with being the reason her children are neglected and/or abused, she will always lord the fact that she prioritized you over her kids against you.
Many women, skillful and experienced manipulators that they are, will find a way to do both. You will never be a priority, and she will try to make you feel like she’s sacrificing everything for you.
You’d be better off trying to get an actual succubus to commit to you in a meaningful way. Ell oh ell! Leave the single moms to their onlyfans and their broken children.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

That's disappointing. I wouldn't want to be elevated above a child. I wanted children, but my spouse couldn't have them. Thank you for the insight. I didn't even know that the latter was possible. I saw that many men felt as though they were just last in the order of the house.

[Anonymous]

Pay no attention to the response about baggage and insecurity from GAG's most notorious middle aged Australian hag. She is only here to spread her bitterness. Misery loves company.

I don't know what to tell you bro, but I wish you happiness.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Thanks, friend! Right back at ya. The purpose of my question was to see what it's like and if it's a good idea. I love kids and have spent time when I was younger with my friend's children helping them and spending time with them. I have a strong vetting process to weed out bullshit. I read people fast and do risk assessment. (Comes from trick driving with hazardous materials)

[RandomGirl42]

Oh, I know I so shouldn't do this but I just can't help it. I can't sit here and watch someone hide as an anon and trash talk someone else. It's all in perspective. I don't find Nikki bitter at all. I think she is very insightful, blunt in a delightfully refreshing way and very funny. So there. Nyah, nyah to you Mister Anonny-pants!

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

I'm a little oblivious, random. Can you provide some insight please? I'm always for self improvement. A healthy relationship cannot function with those 2 qualities when they are over bearing. Everyone has baggage and I tell people who struggle in relationships, it is work. Your relationships fail because it is beyond the scope of warm fuzzies. There will be days where it will be hard, but the reward of resilience is a deeper foundation and trust. To feel is to be human. You will feel tempted or strong emotions. It's key to feel safe from both parties to express those things in a safe environment and reason those feelings. A lie is like a drop of bleach in a glass of water. It only takes one to poison the union.

[DishLady]

"The risk"? She's a single mom, not a sea monster... Unless there's something wrong with her situation with her kid or her ex there's no reason to treat her as anything more than a woman you're interested in pursuing.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Hey Dishlady, Good morning! I didn't mean anything derrogatory by the word risk. Please allow me to clarify. There have been forums of men who are just regular guys with a mixed bag of experiences with this. All my relationships have been with childless women. This is a new thing for me. The intent behind the word the "risk"; the common theme I saw was, time constraints strained the relationship by prioritizing the child (ren), men who were genuine and sincere were unable to proactively parent, the mother was seeing them as a resource rather than a partner/teammate, some stories ended with the mother being very upset with a man who drew boundaries and they accused them of causing harm to the mother and the child and if there was no video documentation, he would be in prison right now.

The list continues. However, this does not deter me from pursuing a relationship with a woman who has a child. I've always wanted children, but my late wife was very difficult to have them with. Her value to me is not based upon her child status. I can't tell you how many wonderful ladies I've come across who have children and have actually started to pursue me. I was in a relationship for 21 years and cheating/infidelity is not an option for me. My morals and conscience will not permit it. Believe you me, I had opportunities.

Anyway, in spite of these reviews and on top of my own experience with my own step father, I wonder. Will history repeat itself? Like I said, just here for non biased opinions and to get some clarity. Hope you're well when you read this and it's Friday! End of the week! Be well and take care.

[DishLady]

Aha. Ok ok.

So yes, there are a few red flags to look for and a few ground rules. And I’ll share too that as a single mom I didn’t date anyone till my kids were well on their way and didn’t need “parenting” anymore.

(1) Red Flag: If the gal is always on the defensive or telling you about her ex, step away from the drama.

(2) Res Flag: If the ex is always turning up and creating friction and drama, step away from the drama.

(3) Red Flag: If the gal acts like she’s the same age as her kid at a giggly slumber party to which you’re not invited, step away from the drama.

Ok so those are the red flags.

Next, common boundaries:

(1) Her Kid is not your kid, esp if you’re just dating. Don’t presume you have any right or say in what the kid is doing … at all. You can ask your date about it, but you can’t insist on any sort of action from the mom or the kid. If you can’t respect that boundary, walk away bc her life is tough enough, I guarantee you.

(2) Her Kid may know things you don’t about their mom’s dating habits. It’s VERY POOR FORM to presume you can ask the kid about anything along those lines. If you are thinking to treat the kid like the “IN” with their mom, step away from the family bc you’re crossing a boundary.

(3) If you and the kid don’t get along after a month or so of knowing each other? It’s time to fold.

BONUS TIP: If several months go by and she hasn’t introduced you to her kid you know you’re not going to be a serious person in her life.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

This is an excellent outline. Thank you.

I don't expect to just come and replace the father. However, I am self respecting.

One of my boundaries are to not let that child walk all over me. I saw a video a stepdad who was being trampled by children who weren't his. While I respect the gravity of the situation, I will not allow myself to be used or pushed aside. I will offer insight, but respect the reality, I am NOT the father. I am not a particularly aggressive person by nature. I am a boundary setting and upholding person. Another risk I saw was the relationship ended and the child was devastated when the man left. I also have a strict vetting process. Just as they should about me.

I will only pursue women with children who are divorced (their husband was unfaithful) or their spouse died. A woman who just threw herself away or was wreckless in her endeavors is not a person I view as a healthy option. Understand, the difference is not based on her worth, but if she has a history of dangerous behaviors, will she bring that into the relationship? Will she be capable of maintaining fidelity? Will she be suitable? These are just a few questions I ask myself.

The word "risk". I am an ex truck driver. I have hauled HAZMAT. (Usually Hazard class 3). You have lives at stake and must be able to provide risk assessment. When making decisions, you don't let emotions rule you. You assess, plan, execute with laser precision or people can die. I can handle more than most because of my relationship to the reality of death from my own experiences. I find that most men nowadays are weak willed, soft coddled men thanks to this "everyone is a winner!" psychology that has been implemented.

I will graft your advice into my vetting process. Thank you so much for this.

[DishLady]

Dude, your only “job” is to love and support the mom, not to boss anyone around.

Of course don’t let the kids use you, but there will be bouts of doubt and mistrust on their side bc “baby daddy” is still their dad no matter how f-ing awesome YOU may be. Just stay neutral with them and ask the mom for the green light to say or offer anything to them. Remember they’re having bouts of positive and negative with her as well, so she needs you to be her running back, not opposition.

[Abbycado]

I would say her being murdered before your anniversary was definitely a big blow to the marriage.

@HollyK21

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Agreed.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Thank you for the reply. I hope your week is well. Hump day.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

I'm trying to like your response. It keeps thimbsing it down. Sorry.

[Abbycado]

No problem.

[Abbycado]

Well, I don’t know if Holly missed my tag. I thought she may have better insight into single moms, not that she is one.

At my age, I can’t speak a lot on the subject.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

True. Like I said, I don't look down or judge, it's from personal experience and weighing the cost. The divorce rate is over 51% in America and initiated by 80% of women. That's not some opinion. That's from the department of health.

[Abbycado]

“The divorce rate is over 51% in America and initiated by 80% of women. That's not some opinion. That's from the department of health.”

How is that relevant to what you are asking?

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

I was emphasizing my position of neutrality of bias. I'm not asking if the pursuit of a relationship with a mother is worth it based on the single fact of, do they have a child. Rather what the dynamic would be should I pursue this and if the risk/reward is balanced.

[Selene1600000]

You’ve been through something heavy, so take your time and don’t rush into dating just because you feel behind. A good partner whether she has kids or not will value you for who you are, but you need clear boundaries and honest conversations early on. Focus on finding someone whose values match yours, not just their situation.

[Nikki1989]

You have too much baggage and insecurity to be dating.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Could you please expand on your response? I understand the baggage part, it's the insecurity issue I am curious about. There is more to the dynamics of relationships I am aware of beyond what I could list. I was 2000/2000 characters.

[PrinceAlbert57]

A mom ain’t a bad thing, especially if she is a nice person, In 2025 I’d be more worried that a girl I meet will have a penis

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Fair enough. I'm looking for some guidance. I hear so many stories from men and women how turbulent the dating field is and I'm poking my head out and taking a look. It's challenging for sure.

[PrinceAlbert57]

Good for you bro. Honestly, if she’s a good person and you’re willing to take on the role of a stepdad, personally, I think that could be a very special thing. She will realize how much of a caring person you are and may cause a deeper sense of love that you can’t imagine.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Thank you. I am. I want to be a mental health music therapist for peer support.

[Ariesman81]

She wants those things. Be those things and she'll no longer want those things.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

That's the feeling I'm getting. It's who I am. I'm different. There are other men like me, but it's like, why do they say they want it, but then get it and the relationship gets stagnant?

[Ariesman81]

Nature of the beast. Always wanting things they don't have. A woman who is comfortable wants chaos. A chaotic woman wants stability. And their cycle continues.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

I see. That's discouraging. However, I am appreciative of the insight. Thank you. Hope you're doing well.

[Ariesman81]

Learn to offer both and you'll be just fine.

[IndustrialEnthusiast]

Will adapt to these things in the future.

Thank you.