Am I wrong for feeling trapped?

Question

I met a guy recently and we hit it off well. But he doesn't drive or have a job, which kinda bugs me cause he's 34. I am 28 and been working since 15 and when I lost my job I was only out of work for a month.

He seems like a good guy, but he's across the country from me. Realistically I dont see it working out. And its only been a week and I feel like things are going fast and I feel like I'm pushing myself away.

I feel bad cause he's super sweet but him not having a job and being online 24/7 bugs me. I love gaming and spend most of my free time doing it but I have a full time job and can drive and have a license.

Am I wrong for seeking someone else out?

HawkPerception · Accepted Answer

Lol I'm in the same boat as the dude and I'm almost 32. Life sure is different from back in the day when we could pick up any physical labor job and provide for a family of 4. And work was never hard to be found back then either.

Now with this economy and technological times, we stress that if we don't start some kind of business of our own, we'll be stuck in the same position forever, with it being much harder to move up in life. Puts us in this neverending cycle of self doubt and planning.

You're not WRONG per se. If you don't think the juice is worth the squeeze, then don't go with it. I can tell you for a fact that any man in his and my position just want a girl that's willing to sleep with us under a bridge... that kind of loyalty (obviously we wouldn't want her to go through that if we love her). But conversely, we don't want women to "sacrifice" for us. If it feels like sacrifice, being with him, don't be with him. It's that simple.

Judging by the fact you asked this question, I'd stop talking with him. You clearly have negative thoughts of him running through your head.

Zack-Bann · Accepted Answer

As someone who’s also 28 and been working for years I wouldn’t understand being like this guy

Unless he’s so rich his money will never run out.

But if he’s just a lazy person with no motivation or ambition I don’t think “caring about you” is enough of a sales pitch for a solid partner

He will eventually leech off of you, it’s unavoidable.

I don’t think it’s an unrealistic standard to want a partner that’s accomplished in life

Sunshinelips · Accepted Answer

Let me advise you, don’t date an unemployed man, no matter how sweet he is. I’ve been there myself and all he did was scrounge money off me because he hardly had any for himself. He either worked cash in hand (rare) or claimed state benefits then blew it on weed.
Find someone employed who will pay for you and himself.

douride2 · Accepted Answer

He is 34 no job so most likely no money. Doesn't drive so that means no car. He is on the other side of the country so your going to have to take time off work & travel to see him. If it was me I wouldn't waste my time.

MrOracle · Answer

in my opinion, THE most important factor in relationship compatibility is that the person you are dating is LOCAL to you. Which means they could get to you within 15 minutes or less under normal circumstances.

This is one of the biggest reasons that dating apps are a lie and a waste of time. It does you zero good to "meet" someone who lives hundreds or even thousands of mils from you, no matter how "good" you think they are. It will be nearly impossible to spend time with them on a regular (as in, multiple days a week) basis.

This is a hard lesson that almost everyone has to learn the hard way - and some people never seem to learn the lesson, and get burned by LDRs again and again - long distance relationships don't work, UNLESS you've been together for a significant amount of time AND you are BOTH *incredibly* committed to surviving the separation, which frankly is rare.

Now, setting aside the distance issue, let's talk about the driving and the job issues. If he lives and has always lived in a major city where public transportation is the norm, then it's not so unusual not to have a driver's license. If you're in a city where a parking spot costs the same as a mortgage payment, it doesn't really make sense for most people to own a car, especially if nearly everything they need to do can normally be done via public transportation. IF, on the other hand, he is from a place where driving is the norm (smaller cities, suburbs, or rural areas) and he doesn't drive, that's a bit of a red flag.

Not having a job would normally be a red flag, but with the global economy recovering from absolutely idiotic COVID policies AND dealing with AI disruption AND several major wars, there have been a ton of people laid off this year and getting a job that pays in the same ballpark is not going to be a possibility for many, and some people are going to have to reset their expectations and settle for lower status and lower pay, which won't be popular but will be necessary. That said, some people recalibrate, work hard, and find a new job fairly quickly, and some people make a minimum effort and turn down decent jobs because they aren't as good as the one they got let go from. I have no idea which applies here, but I could give him the benefit of the doubt here unless you know otherwise.

Anyway, in my opinion he should be disqualified simply for not being local - but you should also be recalibrating your own expectations, based on what is available to you locally. You can't compare the men local to you against men who aren't - especially not the global pool of men - because that's completely unrealistic. It makes no difference if there are better guys hundreds of miles away from you, because you'll never see them. Only the local men matter.

Bitter_Sweet94 · Answer

You’re not wrong at all.

Feeling “trapped” this early usually means something in the dynamic isn’t aligned with your needs or boundaries.

It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means the reality of the situation isn’t matching what you want long term.

There’s nothing wrong with appreciating that he’s sweet, while also recognizing that life stage, stability, and independence matter in a relationship.

You’ve worked hard to build your own life, and it’s understandable to want a partner who shows the same level of responsibility and momentum.

If it’s only been a week and you already feel pressure, distance, and mismatch in lifestyle, it’s okay to step back.

You’re allowed to choose a relationship that actually fits you, not force yourself into one out of guilt.

Wanting someone who aligns with your values isn’t selfish, it’s healthy.

lightbulb27 · Answer

You're senses are right, this is a "no". Unless you want to take on a man child and raise him cause the parents bombed out. Now if he's made a lot of money and living off that, well ok, doubt that is the case. I've seen these guys around, known them, and you will be spending a lot of time frustrated and in a therapists office.

Any person you deal with is a "child" wrapped in the shell of an adult. Some never grew up.

Purpleronnie · Answer

How did you meet this guy? was he standing on the street with a cardboard sign and tin cup?

Don’t think you need to feel trapped and I honestly don’t understand how a relationship with this guy would work given he has no money , car or license unless you want to be his sugar mommy 😜

Time I think to set your sights on someone closer to home with a bit more to offer other than being a ‘nice’ guy , I mean what option has he really got to be anything other than nice?

snapkingmatt · Answer

Just be honest and ask him why he doesn't have a job. Try to find out if it's lazyness or something else. It might be temporarily, or he might even be unable to work due to underlying illness.
If it really is lazyness, that's a red flag. It means he's not ready to take on responsibility, and that might lead to more trouble.

Phoenix98 · Answer

No that's completely valid. It'd be one thing if this guy was actually pursing trying to get a job and putting out applications, putting the work in.

But if he's jobless and carless and isn't even trying to get a job then yeah your not wrong for wanting someone who's more stable.

Alex-Snow · Answer

It may seem like fun but I just do not see it working out. You sound like a hard worker. I'm sure he is "super sweet" but he may end up using you either for money or sex or both. I think you can do better. Have you had some sexual chat or video with him or even met him IRL?

HighValue · Answer

Whether employed or not, not being able to drive is a real problem. It would create too much of a burden on the other partner.

RavVid · Answer

I don't think so. It is pretty reasonable to expect a partner to have an income.

Iron_Man · Answer

Well, why don’t you encourage him to get a job and to get his drivers license? It’s only been a Week don’t make judgment so fast,

blackeagle007 · Answer

If it was me, I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship. A license and employment would be priority #1.

egan3141 · Answer

Yes, you are wrong. There is no trap involved. Just leave. What is even the question?

Awesomesauce2005 · Answer

Make him get a job to support both of you. He should be bearing the burden, not you. What happened to chivalry?

WonderingManII · Answer

It can be really hard to get a job, now days.

Anonymous · Answer

Why are you looking for our approval. If you want to dump him just dump him. Good grief.

Anonymous · Answer

Those are huge red flags at 34

exitseven · Answer

this is doomed form the start.

Raydergman26 · Answer

No you could find a man who drives and has a job

jahaims · Answer

Answered your own questions

chickychickyparmparm · Answer

You gotta be able to pick better than that.

Am I wrong for feeling trapped?

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Am I wrong for feeling trapped?

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