How do I stop wanting romantic validation and accept being single?

[Anonymous]

So, as the title says, I am a girl who clearly struggles to date. I am 20 and I have never been asked out, almost never experienced catcalling, my dms are also basically dry and non existent. Its obvious that I am no guys first choice, I never was, especially from men my age. I am introverted and shy, sometimes awkward. Plus not exactly a looker either. I am short and flat with delicate curves, plus face is avarage to mild ugly probably and wear braces. Though my mother and my family sometimes calls me stoic, strict and intimidating, arguating that its the reason for my missfortune, I believe thats not the case. I tried to be more open and playful, more extroverted and warm, did not work.

There are several beautyful women who are intimidating and still get approached, like my bff. While she is more open and wellcoming with people, more flirty overall and insanely pretty and curvy, she absolutely is unafraid to brutalize guys who ask her out in a way she does not like it. They still flock to her. Whetever they know her or not, get rejected even or not. without knowing her much but aside from seeing her, even after getting rejected. While I do love her with my heart, I hate being a shadow to her, especially when she insists that its just my confidence and its not the looks. Cuz "men would get with anything that has a h0le", plus everybody has different tastes, I feel like she is dismissing me.

So my question is, as a probably very unfortunate looking woman, how do I deal with my friendship? How do I let go of wanting validation and love? I do not wanna date, if dating is more like winning the lottery for me then just normal avarage life... I obviously cannot get that, but its messing with my mental health and self image. Please do not sugarcoat stuff and if possible, avoide toxic positive answers with confidence. Cuz they clearly did not work for me. I feel so effeminated next to her. Sorry for the ramble.

[Simslover92]

Honestly I'm 34 years old and it wasn't until a few days ago that I felt my worth for the first time. I resonate with you so much because I was looking for validation with men and seeking romantic partners to fill a whole in me that should have come from myself.

It's okay to want romance and to feel wanted but you have to start with yourself. You're very young so you have time to cultivate yourself and get yourself to a place where you're not going to look for someone to fill what's wrong with you.

I would suggest reading self-help books, getting more into figuring out what look fits who you are and cultivate that and become more confident in the skin you're in because hun you're not going to be anyone but you. You only get one life and one body, so make the most of it.

Stop worrying so much about not finding a partner. That will come once you start having a more fulfilling life and work on yourself. They will come. I promise. But until you do that, it will be hard for you to find peace within yourself and you will only eventually attract the wrong guys.

So live for yourself. Love yourself and live life to the fullest without feeling like you need a partner to do that then they will come!

[Asker]

Thank you for your thoughtful message. I appreciate you taking the time to write it. Some of what you said resonates, but a lot of it doesn’t match my reality. I’m actually struggling with feeling unseen and unloved, even beyond romance, so it’s hard for me to start from a place of self-love. I’m still trying to figure out what works for me. I already read a few books on the subject, but its hard to balance my time reading them besides school and work. Althought its managing, I often feel drained afterwards. But I am trying my best with them. On another hand, don't worry about the wrong guys being drawn to me cuz not even those want me. So yeah. I am literally, very literally invisible to everyone. Some would see it as a blessing, but as someone who is alone-alone, it makes me question my worth if even the worst people are unkeen to tollerate me.

[Simslover92]

You're welcome. When I was in high school I was a lot like you as far as feeling unseen and unwanted. Even some of college. But then I started dressing up more and wearing make up and doing my hair better and it really made a difference. I started getting approached. Not often but by a few guys throughout my college experience. Not sure if you're in college but having friends that can help you with your look will help as well. That's what helped me. And even if you're not or don't have friends to help you, you can still go on YouTube and look into how to make yourself look better.

But still don't really do that for guys to approach you. Do it for you. When you do it for yourself, guys will come.

[Simslover92]

Sorry you did mention school. Well if you have friends to help you that you're in school with then I would suggest getting them to help you with your look.

[Simslover92]

If you don't have friends or none that can then try to get some if you can is my other suggestion.

[Asker]

Thank you. I do have one friend, but she is pretty oftentimes then not dismissive about my struggles cuz she is conventionally attractive. My main problem is that I come from a pretty poor and a bit unstable household, so my options are kind of limited. Tried dressing up better, more clothes looked on me awkward or childish cuz clothes my size are quiet literally at the kid section. Stuff looks either too boxy on me or just out of place, or pants are too long or wide. And tayloring adult clothes costs a lot unfortunately where I am. With make up its a bit complex. Tried it and the outcome was the same, oftentimes my make up gets caked or my eyes get swollen up by most products cuz I have an ellergic reaction. I already switched to 9 brands that are supposed to be made for allergic or sensetive people, and the outcome till now was a bit disheartening. My orange peel skin also makes a lot of stuff look too textured no matter what I do. So I will probably spend money on laser treatment later on if affordable. Till now I am pretty unfortunate. But hopefully it will get better.

[Simslover92]

You're welcome and I hope so too. Keep trying as best as you can. Don't give up! XD

[Nikki1989]

It is completely human to crave romantic validation—we are literally evolutionarily wired for connection. But there is a huge difference between wanting companionship and needing it to feel like a valid person. The best way to stop wanting a relationship is to make your life so full and intriguing that a partner would actually have to be pretty incredible to justify the disruption.

[Asker]

And how exactly are you doing that? I don't feel like I am missing anything of my life that makes me less intriguing then others. I have hobbies and Ambitions. I am literally at a line at this point where I have to do over the top stuff to get noticed? Being hyper extroverted? Being who I am not? I get exhausted pretty quickly, so I dunno how I can become extroverted. Just curious.

[Abbycado]

It sounds like you may benefit from therapy. It sounds like there are some deep problems that are not a suggestion away from being okay with yourself.

[Asker]

I mean, thats obvious. I am already in therapy. But how is that supposed to help? There are several women who are struggling mentally with self image, but if they are pretty, they are wanted. I am literally suffering cuz I am unwanted. Dunno how much therapy can help there if therapy is already doing nothing. I get the same advice there as I get it with people. "Just be confident". But I never get the steps how to.

[Asker]

Also you said something akeen of deeper problems. Whats your insight on that?

[Abbycado]

How does therapy help? Jfc, that’s what it is for. You don’t sound receptive. If you don’t like your therapist then get a new one. You sound like a person that wants a magic wand to solve your issues.

[Asker]

And you act like therapy is a magic wand, solving all your problems. This is my second therapist this far. Dunno why you have to act this rude just because I was asking people specifically how to get over on something I am clearly not and you just use the generic dissmisive route of "lol, just go to therapy". As if I wouldn't have already tried so, henc why I am clearly so specific in my post.

[HollyK21]

Asker, I think you’re having a hard time with what Abby is saying because you don’t like how it’s being said. You’ve got to remove your emotions sometimes when you ask for advice, because you can’t expect strangers to spare your feelings for the sake of relaying something how you think it should be said. Suggesting that you find a therapist who actually works for you isn’t dismissive whatsoever, it’s the responsible choice as an adult, so that you could get out of this mindset of comparing yourself so much to your friend. Negating the obvious solutions is counterproductive to you growth.

[HollyK21]

**your growth

[HollyK21]

The “lol just go to therapy” was such a bratty way of being in your feelings. She never laughed at you, it’s just more of an eyeroll because you blatantly dismiss the best resource available by saying “how is that supposed to help?”, I don't know, maybe it could help with the horrible thoughts of “there are several women who are struggling mentally with self image, but if they are pretty, they are wanted”. Because this is a seriously problematic way of thinking that most women would continuously work to find the help for getting past, rather than treating therapy like a passive suggestion simply because they haven’t found someone who fits.

[Asker]

I already said that this was my second therapist. I am tired and dissapointed, plus my wallet is getting empty with them. In my age, there aren't much free options. Obviously I am a bit emotional if I am being constantly let down by professionals whom to I told that toxic positivity and the retorics of "just be confident" won't work because I already tried but they still repeated that anyways. Which is why I turned around and asked other people who may have similar experience to mine and might have found a way to get love and validation out of the focus from their lives. There is nothing bratty in that.

[HollyK21]

I never said asking to speak with people who shared your experience is bratty. I said that essentially saying Abby dismissed you in an “lol just go to therapy” rhetoric was unnecessarily bratty. Your emotions aren’t allowing you to properly receive outside feedback such as hers without thinking you’re being attacked, when that isn’t the case. I’m sorry to hear that you haven’t found success when it comes to finding a therapist who works, but that doesn’t mean finding professional help shouldn’t be a priority. Confident is a state of being, and you could get there if you actively work towards recalibrating your mind. Replace the bad thoughts with good ones even if you don’t want to, spend less time around your friend while you navigate feeling less self conscious around her or constantly making comparisons to her. Find ways to give your life more purpose and other milestones aside from finding a relationship. Continue your search for a therapist who fits so that you could gain some healthy coping skills. The work you invest will pay off, you just have to commit to it.

[Abbycado]

@HollyK21 where have I typed "lol, just go to therapy" one time?

[HollyK21]

I like triple checked before even addressing that and no where did you make such a statement. She’s got a lot of emotion behind this post, and it’s really important to remove that to some extent when you’re asking strangers for feedback on touchy topics. There’s things there’s personal things I’d never bring online, and that’s because I know there’s people who’d probably address it in a way that hurt my feelings, whether they intend to do so or not, and I’d rather avoid that altogether.

[Asker]

“Just go to therapy” is often used online in a dismissive or sarcastic way, implying that someone simply has unresolved issues and needs therapy. I never claimed that the comment was meant literally.

And HollyK21, I do appreciate your latest comment. My frustration was more with Abby calling me non-receptive when it feels like my own experience wasn’t really acknowledged. I’ve already tried therapy twice, invested money into it, and unfortunately didn’t see improvement. That naturally leads to discouragement about jumping from one therapist to another, especially when therapy is expensive and I’m also balancing school and work.
Because of that, I was hoping to hear from people who might have been in a similar situation and found other ways of dealing with these feelings or perspectives that helped them. That was the main reason for my post.

As for avoiding touchy subjects online: I don’t think the solution is simply to never talk about vulnerable topics because someone might say something hurtful. Difficult conversations can lead to uncomfortable reactions in real life as well. If we avoided every topic that could potentially hurt someone, people would rarely open up at all.

It goes both ways. If a subject feels too sensitive or uncomfortable for someone to engage with, it’s also okay for them to simply not comment.

I hope my comment now met your standart of sounding more "reasonable" then "emotional".

[HollyK21]

I never said the solution was to never discuss vulnerable or touchy topics, I’m talking about where you choose to take those conversations, and going into it with the knowledge that strangers don’t owe you kindness, and may give you a response that could hurt your feelings. My own way of discussing things that bother me are either with my mom, my fiancé, my close friends, or my journal. Your idea of sorting through a touchy topic is bringing it online, which is just something I wouldn’t do. I mean you’re so self conscious about this that you must anonymize yourself to discuss it, which to me says that you weren’t really ready publicly deal with certain kinds of opinions.

Yes, I fully understand that therapy is expensive, but we all of things we consider worth investing in, and to me, mental health should be high on priority list when you’re really struggling with it. I’d treat it as the “hobby” I put money into rather than shopping, pamper days, video games, art/dance/yoga classes, or anything of that nature. The money is gonna come and go anyway, so invest in yourself.

[HollyK21]

**ready to publicly deal

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing your approach. I understand why you prefer private conversations with close friends or journals, and I can see how that works for you. For me, I was hoping to connect with people who’ve experienced SIMILAR struggles, which is why I chose this forum. I’ve tried therapy before and it didn’t help, so right now I’m looking for shared insight rather than just clinical advice. If people cannot relate, they do not have to comment. I appreciate your perspective though!

[HollyK21]

None of us are professionals, if you’re really struggling then you should continue your search for a therapist who helps. In any case, hope you find what you’re looking for.