If someone new shows you more effort than someone you’ve known for years… who do you choose?

Question

@LaFemmeFatale_1 asked me something about my love life earlier… and it actually stuck with me and made me think…

I’ve known someone for a long time. He’s intelligent, funny, has depth… but opening up has always been a slower process for him. It’s something that unfolds over time…. Like a really long time. We started out as just friends and then we decided to try something more…

And then there’s someone I met more recently…

We could barely communicate at first because of the language barrier lol, but somehow we kept gravitating back to each other… laughing, losing track of what we were doing like it just flowed naturally. I actually posted about him some months ago and you guys were sharing with me how you’ve dated someone who spoke another language primarily.

What stood out to me though… was the effort. And even emotionally… he didn’t rush it, but he didn’t avoid it either.

He told me:

“De nada, con gusto… es bueno saber un poco y te diré poco a poco.” (I’ll tell you more little by little.) …And he did.

He’s also the guy I was talking about when I posted about going on a date.. and asking you guys whats a good first date… anyway..

That made me question something… because I feel like we tend to assume history means more.

But what if someone new is showing you more intention?

So what matters more to you in the end?

Beckybooboo · Accepted Answer

Good question. I know so many friends that are happily married to high school sweethearts. I also know people that have reconnected with someone they knew earlier in life, after not seeing each other for awhile and really hitting it off. My brother is a perfect example lol An aunt and uncle of mine started dating in 6th grade and married in 1993 and are still in love. My mom and dad had a history also.. My first, serious relationship, was with a guy I had known in high school, before my family moved to another city when I was 16. We were friendly in school but didn't know each other that well. When I went to college, it turned out, he went to the same one and we dated for two years but it didn't work out and I was heart broken and of course, after I left he put effort into getting me back 🙄 I struggled with it for a while and really didn't wanna date, until I met my husband, after I moved from Florida to WI. A guy I only knew from a parking lot we shared and a friendly, "good morning", when we got there at the same time. But, it's dangerous for a young woman to go on dates with a man she doesn't know, when her family is a thousand miles away and she doesn't have many friends in a new city! But I threw caution to the wind 😂😂 because, women do have good intuition. Long story short (I know, too late) I forgot all my ex boyfriend's names!

Someone new showing effort, is my choice.

LaFemmeFatale_1 · Accepted Answer

Wow! 💕

It’s an amazing question!
It’s so common for those “familiar” guys to stand in the way to our new happiness, while they had all the time in the world to show us the effort earlier.

I believe you should go for someone who makes effort for you and has serious intentions, if the first guy wanted it , he had time to prove himself. He didn’t.

He is making you waste the most expensive currency we have - time.
Let him go and choose someone who actually wants to build with you and who won’t make you wait for years to be chosen. Clarity is one of the best “gifts”from a man. There’s no reason to stay loyal to someone who hasn’t applied for the position that requires it.

History is good, but won’t make us warm and cozy at night. Go with the new guy 100%!

and let me know how it goes! 🤭

VIVANT · Answer

I think that it would be very common for somebody to know to appear like they’re showing more effort than someone that you’ve been with for years just virtual the fact that people have more energy in the beginning and or it’s more noticeable because of the fact that it’s new, maybe more of the ladder than the former but still the question really isn’t are they new in feeling like there’s more attention it’s what are they gonna look like the same amount of years from now that you’re experiencing with the person you’re already with, and that is aside from the fact that I mean, I want to be evaluating new partners when I’m in a relationship, no:

it’s risky and unethical in my opinion to think of being with other people when you’re in a relationship. if you have problems with the relationship and it can’t be worked through and solved, and you feel that there are reasons to break up then do that.

I think a person breaks up with someone because things aren’t working and they get into a relationship with another person and things look better.

I mean it’s fair enough to compare where you are now with where you were before and then you can also compare where you are later after time goes by with where you were when things started with a new person and that may be useful information in terms of understanding yourself better and seeing what your strengths are what your weaknesses are what your compatibility are what your clashes are, but like I said, comparing something novel with something that you’ve grown custom to is misleading. It’s also not fair to the person that you’re with.

keeping in mind , if/when someone knew seems to be paying more attention to you—is that any different than the attention the person who you’re currently with, was paying attention when you met them…

ohsheeT · Answer

History guys. I can't believe him..

Sometimes those words cause and effect really take meaning I feel so bad for the history guy he blew it

straight up blew it. I don't understand that at all

And now he gets to think about it

Hope he live by fire dept close to him because once he finds out and he thinks about it he's going to kick his own ass so hard it's going to take the fire department to come and pull his foot out

But you know I have to thank you for this question because no matter what it is in life If we get too comfortable And we just let things go by For whatever reason And I think the message is When you want something Go get it because that's a heavy loss I can I can feel his pain right now

I mean I felt it so Deep I stuttered right there Lol

And who knows what will happen maybe the new guy is just the new guy it takes time to figure all that out too

So the moral of the story is no matter what you think you have don't get too comfortable you also have to take care of it respect it and show how much you appreciate it

You said you had history and I'm thinking about his car if he ever washed it or whatever took care of it he must have a Fred Flintstone car cuz that's history that's a long time ago damn I feel bad for that guy LOL

Simslover92 · Answer

This is indeed a hard one hun but if I had to go with my gut and my heart it would be with someone more familiar and who I've built history with. I think communication is key in making the connection stronger between the one you are more familiar with. If they lack showing effort then it may be time to express how you feel about that.

Though the other option is tempting, I say go with your heart and your gut. If that is the one showing more effort then go with them but if it's the one who is more familiar then go with them. Just communicate your feelings.

Summeroflove · Answer

This is a really good question…… I have to ask the question of WHY is someone making this effort. Making effort is great but if someone comes on too strong in the beginning they could be playing an act…… This happens a lot it’s called love bombing. Sometimes someone really is amazing….. But it’s a balance it gets weird if someone moves too fast before I really know them, absolutely show investment.

Second hand….. If someone isn’t putting that much effort into someone. It usually means it’s falling apart and they’re too cowardly to communicate. Most relationships don’t die instantly they fizzle out…. And with communication sometimes people can work it out or be able to peacefully move on. Without wasting one another’s time. Cowards just sit around until they find someone new to move on to.

If I had to pick assuming the effort is genuine. I would rather move on.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Someone that i have build history with because i know them better and i'm more comfortable with them than going with someone new!

Plus at the beginning, everyone shows more intentions, you have to see if they change later or not!

If we are talking about love, if i'm serious with someone than i won't speak with anyone new, because i'm loyal to the person who i am with, if i see someone better and make sure that my relationship with the person that i'm with is toxic and won't ever be fixed, i'll tell them the truth and leave, i'm an honest man, i don't stab people behind their backs and doesn't like to hurt someone's feelings whether i like them or not...

Imagine if i was married and i found someone better than mt wife, will i leave my wife for her? Ofc not!

If meeting someone new and saying: hey i'll dump my current so for this better one, than i'll spend my life jumping from woman to another and in the end i will end up alone hated by everyone and growing enemies everywhere, so nope, that's not how it works out for me 😏

Master_Debator · Answer

Wait... You've been cheating on me?

If someone new shows you more effort than someone you’ve known for years… who do you choose?

Of course I'm joking and you know I'm just a shit poster... that didn't even jerk off on a print out picture of you and send a picture of that to send back to you.

As to the question... You'll figure it out... not my problem. As for me... I'm pretty calculated on my choices. I measure what I stand to gain and loose. It's a choice I no longer even put myself in a position to choose.

I'm old and shit... I just don't have time to make these situations for myself to choose anymore. If I had to... I'd pick my pick and still dick everyone down.

Still-alive · Answer

Well this is a tough one cause while i can understand how someone new put in a lot of effort... i wouldn't be able to just set aside someone else i have known for years.

honestly i have thought more on this over time and i think i would want someone who not only i know well but who knows me well. i wanna have that feeling that we know each other so completely that this unbreakable bond has formed to a degree where i can't imagine them ever being out of my life.

So if you were me i'd probably go with the first one.

however this still depends on how you ultimately feel in the end. if you gut is leaning in one direction you may just wanna follow it. You're an infj so ultimately i think you'll find your answer through intuition :D

Good luck!

MrChinaski · Answer

When you are alone at night and close your eyes, who do you want to hold, firmly against you, for the rest of your life? Your heart, your gut, your body knows what it needs. Don't overthink: you're discovering a life partner not filling out your taxes.

Maybe_Maybe_not · Answer

I don't remember having to choose, that luxury that isn't a luxury, it seems more like trouble lol

I'm also not someone rationalizing romantic interest like that, so opposing "familiarity" with "intention" doesn't talk to me. I mean I understand, intellectually, this opposition but that's it, I don't relate. What I'm working with is my feelings, my intellectual considerations are for different areas of my life.

So I choose whoever I feel happy with.

molonski2 · Answer

Takes a lot to build history

Takes nothing to pretend to show emotional interest in a different language , so you would have no idea.

A great deal is lost ( no matter how well they speak English ) when English is not their first language , and even slight things get lost in translation., may seem romantic , attentive in beginning but it NEVER is , it's convenient and deceptive.

See it here every day...

Joshydavid25 · Answer

Wouldn't be a good situation to be in IMHO.. Lmao.. I don't like to hurt people for the most part.. But I was really just in this situation and I chose the new person.. I guess we clicked more and I was more attracted to her.. But I let the other girl know how it was and didn't leave her in the dust.. But usually if I was attracted to both about equally, I would chose the one I have history with.. As I have done in the past..

dragoblack · Answer

Here's my wisdom on this. Friends do behave differently whether it's living together as room mates, dating, just being friends & hanging out, or in a relationship. The main 4 switches (not considering the culture switches). If your friend is healthy minded in a relationship, then i recommend just communicating with him your thoughts and feelings. Though this guy is showing more attention, there may be a difference between his dating personality and his relationship personality. I recommend laying ground with both to figure out which is a healthy relationship for you.

Twodogs0525 · Answer

I've only had relationships with women I had some type of relationship with, whether a friend for a while or just a simple "hi" at a bar. Then, eventually it turned into dating. It was fine but the woman I married and I had no prior interaction. We met at a mutual friends Christmas party, though it took her a while to warm up to me, we had a whirlwind romance lol I showed the effort and she eventually gave in. I voted B, on her behalf.

Sunnyrjs · Answer

I would have gone with intentions too but after reading your entire context I went with familiarity, cause the first person you mentioned maybe be slow but he is trying and maybe it's not easy for him but he is putting efforts.
The second person is great and I understand why a lot of people went with him but it's just to me someone trying hard matters more.
That's just my opinion though

slatyb · Answer

I don't know about the new guy, but it's clear the familiar guy isn't the one. End that relationship and date the new guy and see how it goes. It's never an A or B choice. Here it's clear that it's not A, and you don't know about B. Maybe it's not him either.

Shiprex · Answer

Interesting stats that show guys are 50/50 while 2:1 girls seeking the new attention.
This says a lot about the commitment of guys versus that of girls and how men are expected to keep "gaming" with women

exitseven · Answer

This is a good question. I think loyalty is important in a relationship but it takes two people to make a good relationship. If only one is doing the work maybe it is time to re-examine the relationship and find somebody who puts more effort into it.

Abbycado · Answer

Do you mean if I were going to choose which to date?

Kaneki05 · Answer

Girls often pick the new and it rarely ends well...
That pull is stronger to someone new and exciting but it can fade fast and turn out to be wrong, always better with the one you aren't jumping in just because of that

queenofcardio · Answer

I prefer dating someone new who shows clear effort over someone reserved I've known for a while. Trying to get to know someone who reveals themselves so slowly often feels like a waste of time.

Anonymous · Answer

Let’s be real, you’re playing both of them.

Do they even know they’re options? Because if they don’t, that’s messed up. You can’t sit here comparing effort while keeping two people emotionally involved like it’s a tryout.

This isn’t about “old vs new.” It’s about you not choosing.

You’re not gonna get a real relationship doing this. All you’re doing is keeping options open, and that’s exactly why nothing solid sticks.

Pick one and be real, or leave them both alone.

Xawyx-2 · Answer

I would choose the girl who is more of my type... regardless of me knowing her for years, or her efforts.

TallAnon · Answer

It's pretty normal for someome to give more effort at first. That doesn't prove that the new person keeps putting in effort in the long while.

Staximus · Answer

Nevermind that rigamarole. Which guy wants the same kind of relationship you want?

AydenHazor · Answer

While history is meaningful it has no meaning without intention

Sophia1998 · Answer

Probably the one for long time cause it means were settled and you kinda know them. New person could be dangerous.

Agape93 · Answer

The one I'm actually with

fonduegirl · Answer

Both. I'm shameless.

Massageman · Answer

Effort - as in effort to be a friend?

Saramodel · Answer

New is always better

Likes2drive · Answer

Probably someone I’m comfortable with

Bloodparadise · Answer

No. Never. My love life is decided.

If someone new shows you more effort than someone you’ve known for years… who do you choose?

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