Women, does a kind ‘not right now’ after a work crush ever turn into a yes later?

[VicarrHanley]

I (28M) have worked with a colleague (22F) for a little over a year, and over the past few months we’ve gotten pretty close.

We chat a lot, joke around, and often go for runs together just the two of us. There’s been a lot of easy, genuinely funny banter and I felt like there was at least some level of mutual interest.

Recently we went out with colleagues and ended up spending most of the night talking 1-on-1. She invited me to meet her and her friend later (I didn’t go, stupidly) and texted me at around 4am joking about me not turning up.

Over the last few months I've developed a strong crush, and think I'm falling in love, so I asked her out in person for a drink. She initially said yes, but I kept it vague. A few days later after a run, I clarified I meant a specific time. She asked if I meant a date and I said yes. She was very kind, said she was flattered, but she’s just out of a relationship and it didn’t feel right. She also mentioned dating at work can be tricky. She said she’d be happy to go for a drink in a group instead.

We’ve continued talking normally since, still joking, no awkwardness.

A few days ago I got lost in my feelings and sent a drunk text saying I was embarrassed about how much I liked her, how beautiful she is, and how I’d been overthinking things, saying I felt “lost in the limerence.”

Her reply was very kind. Said it was sweet, she also said I shouldn’t feel embarrassed, called me a really kind person, said she enjoys talking to me, but reiterated she wants to separate work and dating and isn’t in a place for that right now.

So she’s handled it really well and doesn’t seem to dislike me, but has been consistent in saying no. I’m not planning to ask again.

From a female perspective:

When you say no in this situation (timing, recent breakup, work), is that usually a firm no? Or can it ever become a yes later?

Also, if you stay warm and friendly, does that ever indicate attraction, or is it usually just “I like them as a person”?

[HollyK21]

I’m all honesty dude, I think you should focus more on trying to move on rather than putting any energy into hoping for more with this woman. Don’t get me wrong, given everything you made mention of happening prior to your first confession, I wouldn’t blame you for misinterpreting the situation. But now that she’s given you a solid answer twice now, I think it’s time to “come to Jesus” as people say. In other words, see the light, accept the situation, etc.


Do women ever have a change of heart? Sure, maybe one day. But it’s just kinda messed up for you to hang onto a “maybe” when you already got an answer, and closure, which often times people don’t get and instead they’re ghosted or iced out completely. It’s also more receptive of you to listen to her rather than continuing to do what you want, because to me that’s the equivalent of treating her answer as a mistake, a laps in judgement, or “not for sure” since she just got out of the relationship and you want her to be interested at a later point. It’s messed up to focus on that rather than just listening, and choosing to act under the guise of friendship while having that hope still on your heart.

[HollyK21]

**in all honesty

[VicarrHanley]

I can't tell you how much I hated reading this, and I know within me that's because it's genuinely excellent advice. I adore her and won't her to be really happy, so I'm going to take this advice. Thanks.

[HollyK21]

I’m sorry, I know it’s a hard spot to be in. I just think it’s so important to be receptive in situations like this, because in most cases it was already hard for her to turn you down in the first place. She could worry about upsetting you, changing the dynamic, not wanting to hurt you or start any confrontation since you work together, etc. So having to do it twice, I’m sure made her feel terrible. It’d just be best not to have her do it a third time. On top of that, since her and her ex are pretty fresh out of a breakup, there’s always the chance she could go back or is still sorting things out with him. It’s just a lot going on.

[VicarrHanley]

FWIW: maybe I didn't explain it well, but in my drunk text, I never asked her out again, I was just clumsily explaining why I did it, then apologising and hoping that didn't make it weird. However, I did talk about how beautiful she looked that day and how deeply I felt, as a way to explain why I did it. She was the one who reiterated the work thing. I don't say this to encourage you to tell me to try again. I agree with you. I just wanted to clarify that I didn't come back days later to ask her again. I'm not going to ask her again, or even really mention that this happened. Sitting beside her late last, the vibe didn't really change, but for me, damn it, it sucks sitting that close to the woman you love all day.

[HollyK21]

Gotcha, thanks for clarifying, that was my own misinterpretation of the nature of that moment. When I read that part, she seemed to be re-explaining why her stance is what it is, and I took it as her again decline some sort of date. In any case, I’m glad you agree that the best route would be to just leave it as is in present time. Keep your options open, and try not to put any more energy into that situation. If there were an opportunity in the future, I’d hope it would be because you were just genuinely single vs having waited for it to happen.

[VicarrHanley]

I do agree, sort of the same way I agree the sky is blue, in that I'm forced to accept it by accepting reality. It's funny because I'm 28 now, and everyone who knows me generally considers me quite a cold person, and I've never felt this way before in my life, not even about an ex who I was with for five years. Obviously, having feelings this strong for someone makes your happiness contingent on both the idea of ever being with them and also their happiness, and if you can't have the former, we try to generate the latter. If it ever does happen, it will be because I'm single, but I suspect that's contingent on her being there, because the idea of being with anyone who isn't her feels so deeply impossible. I'm sorry for ranting now. I don't expect you to reply. I just have nobody in my life I can talk to about it, because everyone with an opinion I would value knows her, and I wouldn't want to embarrass her by making my infatuation the 'talk of the town' with our friends.

[HollyK21]

It’s no bother whatsoever, this is why I use the site, to offer advice, to listen, it’s no trouble at all. I get where you’re coming from, not exactly but to an extent and it’s genuinely hard letting go of or getting over someone you’ve developed deep feelings for. I just think now that you have your answer, it’s time to shift gears.

I’d suggest finding another job — out of site out of mind. But you seem content there, have friends there, have good rapport, so I’m sure that’s way down on your list of consideration and that’s totally fine. So pushing that aside, maybe you should consider limiting your interactions. Keep contact to a bare minimum, and only engage about work tasks. In fact, I’d try sticking to only talking about work altogether. I know at first it would suck and probably be uncomfortable, but you can’t keep things as-is and expect to make any progress getting over your crush. The dynamic you developed is what got you here in the first place, so you should really reign it in.

I’d also do things like avoid hovering, which basically means finding reasons to pass by, stop to chat, seek her out. You should remove that completely if you do it. Next is to stop romanticizing her, and don’t put her on a pedestal she hasn’t earned. Remind yourself that at work, everyone’s got their best face on, or tries to at least. You’re privy to knowing her as a friend, not what she’s like as a partner, and sometimes those experiences can be vastly different. Remind yourself of her flaws, rather than building up your admiration of her about the things you believe she does perfectly, or is perfect in general.

[HollyK21]

I’d lastly suggest trying to focus more on your life outside of work. Pick up a new hobby, try speed dating or anything like that just for some exposure to other women. If anything it’s just good to be reminded that she doesn’t have to be the only woman who will ever make you feel this way, because she really may not be. Like if you’d told me at 27 that the guy I’d met and thought was the absolute ONE, actually wasn’t, I never would’ve believed it. Never would’ve believed I’d meet my now-fiancé at 30, but we can’t see into the future, we can only focus on the here and now. So rather than having it in your head that she’s the one, start letting that go, and accepting that at least in the foreseeable future she is not.

[CriminallyInsane]

I assume you know if she legitimately just got out of a relationship or not and if that's a valid reason or not, but the work part to me seems most relevant. It sounds like a no as long as you both work together or she wouldn't mention it.

[VicarrHanley]

Yeah, she is very recently out of a relationship. Ok, appreciate your honesty.

[Nikki1989]

Let it go. You shouldn't be trying to mess with people you work with.

[Anonymous]

Don’t date people you work with.