Is it reasonable to give up on dating completely at 34 after years of failure?

[Anonymous]

(Please read these details before giving your opinion). I'm almost 34 years old. The longest "relationship" I've ever had with anyone lasted like 2 months. I've tried dating apps for years and most of the time if I actually match with someone, she doesn't respond to me at all, or we barely talk. Even if a date actually happens, they rarely last past the first one. I've tried outside of dating apps too, but no luck there either. I have my own place, pay my own bills, have no crimimal record, so I don't think there's anything awful about me. I only use dating apps because I'm busy, can't always go out and meet new people, plus I'm not an extrovert. I've had plenty of times I got ghosted, led on, or played games with, and I'm sick of it.

A female friend of mine, who actually is that lady that I was with for 2 months, who I've been plutonic friends with for 5 years now, has a boyfriend now and met him off FB Dating. She thinks I shouldn't be so dismissive of dating apps, especially since she met her boyfriend off one, and that I'm a good prospect. But I still think they're mostly window shopping and people in general act differently on there. She knows a lot about my limited dating history. This whole thing bothers me because it feels like others will last a lot longer in relationships than I ever have. Her current boyfriend already has me beat.

The only reason I'm not a virgin is because I had a one night stand with one lady. I do believe she truly believes what she is telling me is true, but I am of the opinion that not everyone gets to be with someone, even if they're good people. Worse people than me have girlfriends, wives, and even have kids, but that doesn't matter. I think what she believes is true for at least some people, but not everyone. Maybe I am insecure, but with what I've been through, I think most people would be if they had similar pasts. I'm really starting to think dating is a waste of time for me. Not everyone, but for me.

Updates

7 d

I did start recently talking to this one lady off Hinge, and so far I'm not seeing red flags from her and won't yet accuse her of playing games, but I do fear she's going to and I would've ended up wasting my time talking to her, which is one reason I asked this question.

Updates

5 d

I appreciate all your answers and help, and I do apologize for such a negative question. I realized these apps killed my self esteem again and made me feel a lot worse about myself than I really should feel. I know my female friend has a positive opinion on them, but I guess that's just something we're gonna disagree on. I deleted it for good, and I will never use a dating app again.

[shoeboxcerealcard]

Stop comparing yourself to other people. Maybe they are better than you in this area. So what they had it easier, most of them. Do you want what you want or not? Because regardless of what happens for everyone else you have a life to live and it isn't going to pause. Put your head down and work your behind off for the next 10 years to become the best man you can think up. Say fuck off to any narrative that works against you. Narratives are just opinions NOT facts. Fuck any negative narratives about age. Why would you accept a narrative about age that makes you feel like shit? Fuck that! You can still have what it is you want. And it will feel how you always wanted it to feel. You just need to make yourself valuable enough that it's easy. You know what to do. You at least know step #1. And why would you delete an app that is at least giving you a chance right now? Yeah meet people in real life too but you're just closing the door on an avenue your mate could come to you. That's stupid. Just tell yourself it's going to work out and it's all going to feel like it was worth it. Stop accepting shitty narratives into your mind. You're sabotaging yourself. Idc about the evidence. The evidence can change.

[Anonymous]

Listen, you will never find high quality people on dating apps. Over 90% of the time, people are on dating apps for a reason because they can't get dates in real life. I've been on dating apps for almost a decade. Since 2020, those apps have went downhill entirely and haven't met 1 decent person since. I've been looking to get off the apps to meet people in real life. Though its much harder, I know I would be able to meet much better people.

Take this from me, over the past 6 years, I have not met a single decent person on those apps. They're filled with social misfits, weird people, people without social skills/ social etiquette, single dads, attention seekers, perverts, people with personality issues, the list goes on.

High quality people don't need dating apps. People who are likable, attractive, know how to talk to others don't tend to be on dating apps.

Do yourself a favor, work up the social skills to ask out a mutual friend or even someone from the supermarket. Its much harder but it will lead to better results. You might find someone you actually want to marry.

[Asker]

Yeah, I definitely don't disagree there. I guess my female friend got real lucky finding someone decent off there, but I honestly don't put myself out there a whole lot. I've tried some non app attempts, but that didn't work either. Maybe I am overreacting right now.

[Opinion Owner]

Lotta these people who have found someone on the apps aren't aware they're settling. I currently in a relationship with someone from a dating app... he is far from my dream man. I love him but I don't think I can ever marry him. If I were to marry him, I'd be settling big time. Though there are great amazing qualities to him, he also has many major alarming flaws. I can also tell why he would turn off most women that he dates.

Again, please just avoid dating apps if you want to encounter a high quality person.

Only people who fail to impress in real life tend to go on the apps.

[Asker]

Fair point. Guess I'll just have to get out of my comfort zone to find someone. My female friend currently is very happy with her boyfriend, but I guess that could change

[Opinion Owner]

@tstarr17

From my experience, "very happy" doesn't necessarily mean she's not settling. I have known an 18 yr old girl who married a 34 yr old mam with 5 kids from a prior marriage. She didn't think she was settling. Just like how my female friends are dating guys who are ugly. I personally would never be happy dating someone who looks like that but... some people just have lower standards than others

[Asker]

Why would an 18 year old agree to that? That's insane! So far, I don't think she's settling, but something could come up down the line that would be a red flag to her

[Opinion Owner]

@tstarr17

Let's be honest... what kinda 18 yr old would want to be a step mom to 5 kids?

She doesn't think she is settling but SHE IS.

Just the same way how my friends have the ugliest boyfriends I don't even wanna look at. They don't think they're settling. But they they are !

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm with you on that one, definitely settling.
by the way, I'm likely gonna pick this as most helpful answer. You have a really good perspective here. I decided I'm gonna delete that app for good, whether this one lady works out or not

[Opinion Owner]

@tstarr17

I'm not gonna garuantee you won't ever meet any bad people in real life. No garuantees. Bad people exist everywhere. But what I do know is... likable attractive people don't need dating apps.

[Opinion Owner]

Plus dating apps don't want you to find the right person. Because once you do find the right person, you will no longer pay for their membership.

[Asker]

Completely valid point. I only gave them another chance because it was hard for me to meet women in general and my friend convinced me of that. But now, I am convinced they are just not worth using at all.

[shoeboxcerealcard]

@tstarr17 Don't listen to this person. She isn't giving you facts. This is just her narrative. She doesn't even have a success story. Why would you listen to her? You can be on an app and also try in real life. You can do both. This person is literally talking down about her boyfriend. You sure you wanna operate off her narrative?

Go work on yourself but realize the treasure is in the eye of the beholder. Everybody has a different narrative. Some people think for themselves instead of listening to the crowd who aren't even thinking. You'd be surprised. Work on yourself so that you have no regrets; but why would you cut off one of the avenues that could get your person?

You don't need to delete an app to work on yourself. The app isn't perfect... So what. Life isn't either. But don't just throw away a complete avenue in which your mate could come to you. by the way some apps are very different than others in terms of experiences. But just work on yourself. Don't rely on anything but you. Use app or the bar or the book club etc but in the end it comes down to how valuable you are. Love is a trade, in my opinion. You have to have things people want. Good behavior or kindness, boundaries, money, looks, similar beliefs, similar knowledge, good body language, similar humor etc. These are valuables.

This girl clearly has a problem with herself. Hell she didn't even follow her own advice.

[Opinion Owner]

@shoeboxcerealcard

I don't have a successful relationship because I have been primarily using dating apps. Neither have the asker of this question had a good experience on the apps.

What does this tell you?

That the apps work?

If dating apps actually worked in helping everyone find love, nobody would be paying for their memberships anymore... they will run out of business. They will cease to exist.

By that logic, dating apps aren't designed to help you find the right person

[Anonymous]

You can still have kids. Just pay a surrogate, so you don't waste your time and the wife can come later.

[Asker]

Few things. First, paying a surrogate costs a lot of money. 2nd, I wouldn't want to start off as a single father, and third, no guarantee the wife would come later. If I've barely had luck dating while having no kids, I'd have even less being a single dad

[slatyb]

You sound unhappy. Have you considered professional counseling?

[Masie]

It sounds like you already have resigned yourself to being single. That isn't a good start. I don't believe your age is too old to quit looking or keeping your options open.

So it is up to you in the end. All I can offer is positive feedback that it isn't over in my opinion.

[Asker]

I find it very difficult to even convince myself otherwise. Let me put it this way: Last time a woman lasted more than 2 dates with me was 5 years ago. I know a woman who got married, divorced, and engaged again to someone else in that same exact timespan.

[Masie]

That really doesn't mean much. People's lives take different paths. We are all blindly trying to navigate it not knowing what happens next. Have a little faith. It helps.

[Asker]

I just think it's unusual for someone my age to barely have dating experience, especially since I have actively tried many times. It just makes me think it may not be my thing.

[Masie]

You have a defeated attitude. I cannot help you with that.

[Asker]

Perhaps, but it's hard not for me to have. Just feels like I'd have to be proven wrong. Sorry to make this feel like a pity party on my end and I do appreciate your help.

[Masie]

Sure thing. I am someone that has empathy. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know if there is anything else I can provide.

[Asker]

I'm sure my female friend I mentioned here would agree with what you said and disagree with what I've said, but that's ok with me. Could be worse, even if I am correct. I got family, friends, friends kids that all respect me, so I guess that'd be next best thing

[Masie]

That is a fantastic thing to have. Cherish family and friends.

[Nikki1989]

So you are 33 and have been trying to date for 34?

How is that possible?

[Asker]

AI title. My intended title was something like "Limited dating experience at almost age 34, should I just stop?"

[MissSunshine2]

No, why would you do that? Just don't make it your primary focus.

[Anonymous]

F*** no! Turn that negative into a double negative! Still date. But now go in with a different goal in mind. Go in to destroy as many of the opposite gender as possible. If you can't be part of the solution, exacerbate the problem.👍💯😆

[dudeinohio]

I'd see how things go with this new girl. Don't sabotage the situation with negative energy, though.

[Asker]

Agreed, but I fear the kind of worst

[dudeinohio]

I fully understand your fears. Early dates are brutal.

[blackeagle007]

It’s tough, I know the feeling. But what kind of justice you do to yourself by giving up?

[Asker]

Not wasting my time or money on these people anymore

[blackeagle007]

Apps do suck I agree. There’s like 10 men for 1 woman on those. Other avanues to go about this

[Asker]

I agree about them sucking, but my female friend did prove it can work. But I have tried non-app approaches and that didn't work either. Been years since the last time I went on a date with someone not from an app.

[blackeagle007]

Generally women have it easier. We guys are such horn dogs

[AngryCarl3]

Yes, if you're happy on your own.

[Asker]

I may have to learn to be at peace with it. I've wanted a wife and kid (s) for years, but it's starting to look like that may not happen.

[ThisSiteSux]

No. Go to Asia. Find a real woman.