Is my boyfriend just plain weird?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend has a problem with going to the movies because he hates large crowds. He says that he wouldn't be able to focus on the movie and that his mind will constantly rush towards the exits. So we don't ever go to the movies. Then I brought up guided tour trips for sightseeing, and he said he can't go on those either because he is such an extreme introvert that he just wouldn't enjoy sitting in the same crowd as other people. He is also comfortable not having any friends. Does it sound like this guy is just plain weird rather than just being introverted?

[Anonymous]

He either has some sort of mental issue like enochlophobia, or he is using being introverted as a cheap excuse. I've been decribed as very introverted, and I'd have no issues doing any of things you listed. If he is willing to step out of his comfort zone for you, how will he act later?

[DryGermanGuy]

Yeah, that sounds way more than introverted, that's rather a mental health condition.

[HollyK21]

I won’t judge his social anxiety, I get it as well and it’s something I struggle with depending on where I’m going. Not everyone wants to deal with that, and I think you’ve got to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can before continuing on in that relationship. It would be great if he’d at least be willing to compromise and try, but if he can’t even do that, then you should also take that into consideration.

[Asker]

He claims he doesn't have social anxiety. But he's just weird

[HollyK21]

A lot of people, including myself, have a hard time talking about that. For me, it’s cost friendships, even a dating experience, so I was in denial about it for a while. Not saying that’s what his experience is, however actions speak louder than words, and he definitely sounds like he struggles with social anxiety. If he didn’t, he’d be much more willing to do those activities with you and his excuse wouldn’t be worries about other people.

[Asker]

I have a little bit of social anxiety too. But the fact he is happy having absolutely no friends. Scared to sit in crowds points to something way larger than just being a bit nervous and shy. Points more to a mental issue and I'm afraid if my future kids might inherit such horrible traits

[HollyK21]

See, that absolutely screams social anxiety, and he may be self conscious about it or doesn’t wanna take ownership of that but it is what it is. Like if someone says they’re a vegetarian but eat a bunch a meat, it doesn’t matter if they say they are vegetarian, that is clearly not fact if they’re eating meat, you know? Anyway, I think worrying about kids is a very far off concern, you need to decide if you can even date someone who doesn’t wanna do activities with you and whatever else. Because there won’t be any children with him one day if there isn’t a relationship right, so you need to start there and decide if you even want to stay with someone like this.

[Asker]

I'm planning on having kids without marriage. Just cus I can't find love, it doesn't mean I should destroy my dream of having kids anyway. As long as kids are loved and raised in a financially stable home with proper values and education then everything will be OK

But I think there is something way more severe to this guy than just social anxiety. This is exteme

[HollyK21]

There may be something deeper, but he has to see an issue in order to receive help, so maybe that’s something to discuss. Otherwise, I’d reconsider the longevity of the relationship. Mainly because despite his issues, compromise is hugely important in any relationship. I do my best with my fiancé, not just for him but for myself, as I don’t want either of us to be confined to the house. Your boyfriend should at least be willing to give your interests a shot, and he doesn’t seem to even try. At the same time, you don’t wanna feel as though you’re twisting his arm to try and hike, travel or anything else you’d like to do that’s even moderately introverted. That arrangement isn’t fair to either of you.

[Asker]

He has more weird issues than just this. ... it all just adds up to a weird person. He's mentally just off and I'm just a bit freaked out by it.

[HollyK21]

Well, if there are more oddities than just the social issues, then what’s stopping you from leaving that relationship? Especially if you’re freaked out?

[Asker]

I like his company and despite all his oddness, i still love him. But I do plan on leaving him eventually as I move away next year. He is my first love which makes it so memorable. I don't know when I will ever love a man this much ever again

[Finchie40]

It sounds like you need a new boyfriend that you have more in common with otherwise you are going to be missing out on things that you enjoy just to appease him

[Anonymous]

Honestly doesn’t sound like you’re the right person for him. You comparing your social anxiety to his doesn’t mean they’re to the same degree. Sounds like to me you’re more concerned about your happiness as far as what you want. Rather than trying to understand him you’re calling him weird.
As for his “weird” behavior as you say, nothing weird about it. He may be claustrophobic, have panic disorders or anxiety. There’s nothing wrong w wanting to avoid crowds. A lot of people don’t like being in crowds. There’s some evidence that men tend to not like being in crowds as much as women. As for always looking for the exit, he’s expected to protect you. You’re not expected to protect him. A lot of women tend to just go through life w out a care in the world as far as safety. A man on the other hand must know these things in case something happens. If he’s ever been in the military there’s a good chance he’s like that even more. I know because exactly everything you’ve said about your boyfriend being “weird,” are all the characteristics I display. I don’t like big crowds. For one I hate all the noise, especially when you have people who can’t shut up in movies. I love my peace, my silence. I don’t need reassurance from other people as far as where I stand in life. I get that from my wife. A man who is ok on his own is very resilient. He’s comfortable w himself of what he can or can’t do w out needing others to reassure him. I have co-workers at work, not friends. Outside of work, it’s just me, my wife, our kids, the dogs. More than likely he’s been through a lot which makes him able to navigate through life on his own if need be. It’s possible that he’s hyper vigilant. As for being of scared to be in crowds or in theaters w other people, for me it’s not about being scared, it’s being pro active. I never liked crowds to begin w growing up. But too after having been in the military you learn or experience things where terrorist attacks happen is usually big crowds. That’s not being scared, just cautious. Maybe you need to rethink whether this relationship is for you. I myself have been w my wife for 20 years. She feels the same as me w crowds so it works for us. That’s not to say we don’t go to things occasionally where there are crowds, but I prefer to not be in crowds.

[Asker]

No offense. But weird is weird. Doesn't matter how much you try to justify it. There is a fine line between being nervous and shy about talking to others versus not being able to exist in the presence of other people. I think it goes beyond just social anxiety

[Opinion Owner]

Then you need to move on. Someone could argue that you’re weird for not have empathy or sympathy for him. It’s already been justified medically as far as people who are like this. He just has t been diagnosed. But regardless he needs someone else, not you.

[Asker]

Lack of empathy isn't weird. And calling him what he is... "odd" isn't wrong. You're just pissed cus you are offended. You sound just as weird as him

[Opinion Owner]

lol your personal attacks have no bearing on how I feel. Try as hard as you want doesn’t bother me.

[Asker]

@opinion owner

you already feel attacked. that's why you tried to call me random names before

[Opinion Owner]

lol yes you’re so smart cause I care what some little girl has to say about my life. Please stop I can’t take it no more. Keep telling yourself to make yourself feel better. I think your boyfriend is w a weirdo.

[Asker]

i can tell you're offended. haha

[Opinion Owner]

Yes I am I can’t take it no more lol

[Asker]

go cry some more

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me anymore lol

[OneViewpoint]

Yeah, I'm an introvert but I can function fine in social situations. It may be mildly annoying but I'm not dumb enough to think the world is gonna conform to my preferences 100% of the time. Your boyfriend isn't an introvert, he has mental health problems.

[Asker]

Oh I totally agree. But he has way more problems than just this. If you want to learn more about how crazy he is... look at the comments I wrote to EveryDayIsPretzelDay's answer. It will explain the full scope of everything

[OneViewpoint]

OK, I read the comments. Now I’m doubting your sanity. Why are you still interacting with this guy?

He has multiple mental health issues and maybe multiple personality disorders dating back to childhood. Fine the exit door immediately. There is no negotiating with crazy and no off switch. He’s gonna be like this 24X7 forever.

[Asker]

I'm lonely

[Asker]

He is also a remarkably sweet caring guy so I do still love him. He keeps me entertained

[Asker]

I plan on leaving him next year when I leave the city. Right now, he's just keeping me entertained

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

"Weird" is kind of a loaded term. He's definitely got some issues.

Are you sure he's not just using fear of crowds and social anxiety as an excuse to get you to come over to his house so he can try to have sex with you?

If his issues are real, he might need to go see a therapist, if you two are ever going to have anything resembling a normal social life.

[Asker]

He has way more issues than just that. He's mentally not normal in many ways. And he has no desire to change. He avoids people

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

How on earth did you two get together, if he has so many issues?

I'm guessing he's either rich, or he has a huge penis.

Did he ask you out, or was it the other way around?

[Asker]

Dating app. Okcupid

I have stopped using the app because over the past several years, it's mostly weirdos or indecent people or losers that use the app.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

But you like your boyfriend enough to stick with him?

Do you see a future with him?

Is he trying to change for you?

[Asker]

He never talks to girls in real life. Never likes to socialize. Doesn't need friends. Is a terrible communicator, bad listener, has a lot of childhood traumas, adhd, overspender $$, self indulgent, not doing well career wise either

Only good thing about him is that he's one of the sweetest, most endearing people you'd ever meet. I love him and would date him but I can't imagine building a family and spending the rest of my life with him. Up to this point, he's so arrogant and ignorant that I don't believe he understands how inferior / flawed he really is.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

You're not exactly "selling" this guy as a boyfriend, no offense. Honestly, if you were saying this about someone else's boyfriend, I'd think you were trying to convince his girlfriend to break up with him.

Are you like turned on by super awkward guys or something?

[Asker]

He doesn't sound awkward. But when we first met, it was a whirlwind romance. I truly thought I was gonna marry him cuz we liked many of the same things. He was the sweetest person ever and I completely trusted him. But then things took a sudden downturn when I eventually found out about his mental issues, communication issues that were red flags. I decided to overlook it, thinking that everyone has flaws and I shouldn't be as strict or judgmental.

But over time, more and more flaws compiled and now I'm just thinking about leaving the relationship but it's hard because it's very hard for me to get into a relationship. Meeting people Is super hard where I live. I plan on putting an end to things once I leave the city next yr. But for the mean time, I still love him very much.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Why is hard to meet people where you live? Can I ask what country you live in?

Are you worried about how he'll react if you break up with him? Is he ever violent?

Are you his first girlfriend ever?

[Asker]

he had an ex girlfriend of 5 years. I honestly have no idea how she tolerated him for that long. He has red flags from head to toe.

I'm not afraid that he might be violent. He might get heartbroken or disappointed or even a bit angry.

But there is a reason why he is 37 and still single. I dent think he will find anyone who would want to marry him unless that person is equally as flawed as he is.

He is unclean, unhygienic, unambitious, over spender.. the list just never ends.

I began this relationship forgiving his flaws... everyone has them... I don't mind but eventually the list was just to long to ignore. I'm finding out new ones everyday.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Kinda sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Has dating this guy kind of taken a toll on you? Is it wearing you down?

Did you ask this question to kind of mentally prepare yourself to break up with him?

[Asker]

Is he killing my mood? sometimes but not most of the time. I do enjoy being with him and he does care for me. But do I imagine a long term future with him? NO. I can't buy a house with a guy who only likes to self indulge, spend loads of money on eating out, spends money on so many unnecessary things like new cat toys or egg boilers.

The thing is... he can't take criticism without an explosive reaction. For example, he wanted to spend 15 dollars on an egg boiler... I told him it was a waste of money. Why not just put eggs in a pot? he would make all sorts of excuses on why he would need an egg boiler. Give me a huge attitude. I don't dare argue with him because I know I would never win the argument.

Earlier in the relationship, he kept looking for reasons to break up with me. He said he loved hot pot (Asian style meal). I said I didn't. He said "this relationship isn't going to work". A few weeks later, he was having a hard time being understaffed and overworked at his job. and that he was sick of it. I told him I worried about his health and that he should take care of himself. Maybe reconsider staying at the job. Then he exploded in rage saying he can't quit his job because he doesn't have another job lined up. He screamed that I would never understand because I live rent free with my parents and that he's beginning to think we aren't compatible.

I told him that I never suggested he should abandon his career. Maybe transfer to another field such as healthcare where it is easier to find a job, an easier job too. I was just worried about the stress that his job is causing him and that I've been through severe stress in school for many years too so I know how bad it is.

[Asker]

He just kept looking for little petty excuses to say we just aren't compatible. So, I broke up with him. He came back apologizing that he kept saying we aren't compatible simply because he has mental issues and that whenever he comes across conflict, he NEEDS SPACE. He was mistreated by his mother as a child so he has all sorts of mental traumas and issues

Every time we come across conflict / argument/ small disagreement, he would always refuse to talk to me. It's called stonewalling. Gets mad. Needs a lot of time alone. Very abnormal guy.

He is hard to deal with during times of conflict too. Besides stonewalling, he is emotionally dysregulated. Meaning he is emotionally turbulent. Whenever there is a small disagreement or conflict, he overreacts and goes insane, start raising his voice. he's definitely not the type of person who knows how to talk things out in an emotionally intelligent way with others. he's kind of like a 5 yr old. Whenever he doesn't like something, he impulsively yells, fails to understand the other person or see it in their perspective

He does know he needs therapy but stopped since he has problems finding another therapist.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

He's 37 you said? Can I ask how old you are?

Not trying to be mean, but it kinda sounds like you need to get out.

[Asker]

I broke up with him. Then he came back days later to apologize and rekindle. He needed space which was why he kept trying to get rid of me. His job was killing him and he was angry, going through a rough time.

Earlier in the relationship, we were madly in love. He told me that his ex was coming over to his house to visit his cat. It was his cat's birthday. That cat was adopted by he and his ex when they were still living together. His ex had a very close relationship with this cat. He told me that he wanted me to be there too. I instantly told him that it would be super awkward for me to meet his ex and that I didn't wanna go. But he insisted that I should go. I expressed reluctance. I didn't see the point in meeting her anyway. Suddenly he became enraged and started yelling at me , calling me immature and running away from me. He slammed the door in front of my face and refused to talk to me. Every time I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't want to talk to me and told me to leave his house.

I was shocked, crying and had no idea why he was treating me this way just cuz I didn't want to meet his ex. He told me he wanted to break up with me. This was just the day after we spent the entire night madly in love, talking about planning our future engagement, wedding, kids. We were so in love, we even had sex without a condom. I might've been pregnant. It put me in so much shock.

[Asker]

Then after 10 mins of arguing, it was revealed that he wanted me to be there at the cat's birthday party because he wanted me to be sure that he wasn't cheating on me with his ex. I yelled "so why didn't you tell me that in the first place? If I had known, I would have went!" He told me that he has communication issues because of childhood trauma where he wasn't allowed to fully express his feelings to his mother. He subsequently apologized over and over again after this. Then he blamed it on the fact that he isn't a social person and only works with machines / equipment. I told him "that's not an excuse at all. you better work on your communication skills otherwise, our relationship is done"

I have forgiven him but I don't think I ever fully recovered from the shock he put me through that day.

A month after this, more and more mental issues came out.

[Asker]

I am 30.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Just get out.

Like seriously, get out.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Not trying to be mean, but this sounds like you're in an awful situation.

You'd be better off alone than with this guy I think.

[Asker]

There is something seriously wrong with him right? I just don't know how his ex tolerated him for 5 whole years.

[Asker]

I'm only with him because I'm lonely. It's hard to find friends. I'm also going through a hard time in life and need the emotional support.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Clearly he has a lot of issues. Even HE knows he has issues. But his issues aren't your fault, and you can't fix them.

Have you had a lot of boyfriends before this guy? Is he like your first serious relationship? Is that why you're so unwilling to leave him?

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

You can chat me if you want. This thread is getting REALLY long.

[Asker]

@everydayispretzelday

He is my first. I have dated many guys in the past but never liked any of them back. Upon the rare occasion I do end up liking a guy, he didn't like me back. This is the first time in my life where I liked him and he liked me back. I usually get a lot of guys who are interested in me after the first date because I'm a very nice girl. But I'm just never interested back. That's why this relationship is extra memorable to me.

It's also because I grew up in an abusive family so I need the emotional support. I've also never been taken care of my entire life. Nobody has ever asked if I was ok or bought me gifts or taken me out on dates. I'm also lonely because its hard meeting people and making friends where I live.

[Asker]

I have to follow you in order to send a message so I sent a follow request.

[EveryDayIsPretzelDay]

Are a lot of guys interested in you physically? Do you not trust guys for that reason?

Do you think maybe you have very unusual taste in guys, if you don't like most guys, but you like a guy with this many issues?

[ChiTown33]

It depends. I can relate to that a bit. I'd much rather watch a movie at home. The people whispering, crunching their popcorn, slurping their pop, and sliding ththeir straws against the lids would annoy the piss outta me. But after about 20 minutes i'm engrossed in the movie and tuning all that out.

My point? We're all weird to some degree. Life is about finding your peace and people who match your kind of weird. So only YOU can answer this.👍

[MzAsh]

It’s severe anxiety, and yes it’s sounds like a clinical mental health issue. You’ll see this more as you get older. He likely will need medication, otherwise it’s going to affect his ability to hold a job or a relationship.

[beenherebefore]

Not weird, just someone who's an introvert and prefers his own space. You seem the opposite to him and this may be an issue in the future for your relationship.

[Asker]

Introverts can sit with strangers. I know cuz I'm an introvert. Thats why he's weird

[beenherebefore]

Yea but he's made it very clear that crowded places make him feel uncomfortable, I would respect that. I wouldn't want to put my Partner in a situation that makes him feel uncomfortable after he's expressed that to me. He's not weird I just think you're not for each other.

[Asker]

@beenherebefore

98% of the population wouldn't be for him because he is just so strange. where is he gonna find someone that is equally of afraid of existing with other people? people are everywhere. On the streets, at work,

[Jewelmyth]

So, if a guy is insecure and can't be social, stop hanging out with him; he'll only be a burden to you.

[Anonymous]

Charles Nelson Reilly was on Broadway for 50 years but never able to sit in an audience because of crowds.

[integrale77]

Sounds like agrophobia fear of being in a crowded place.
It's going to take time to get comfortable in that situation if ever

[DryGermanGuy]

Agoraphobia is about vast, empty spaces.

[integrale77]

Oops found this though: -

The fear of crowded places is clinically known as enochlophobia (or closely related to agoraphobia and social anxiety), causing intense panic, a racing heart, and an overwhelming urge to escape when facing large groups. It is a real medical condition that can disrupt daily life, but it is very treatable with professional care

[RavVid]

It seems extreme enough to be just plain weird but he may be a good boyfriend to you. Plain weird might help there :) :)

[Alex-Snow]

It is strange but it sounds like it is more than just being weird. Do you think he will ever change? Has it affected his sex life with you at all?

[Anonymous]

He is extremely introverted. How in the world did he ever get it together enough socially to ask you out? Or is he cute enough that you made the first move?

[slatyb]

So what is it you like about him? He has pretty severe social anxiety.

[Danny_dan92]

That’s what you call an introvert.




Not weird

[Asker]

most introverts aren't like that.

[Danny_dan92]

I am

[s0j7e3zyxc8v0]

I think he sounds more anxious than weird. If crowds make him constantly think about the exits, there might be more going on than just introversion.

[Asker]

I completely agree. And it's shocking how an 18 yr old can have more sense than a lot of the older adults out here

[SparklingWine10]

Not weird not first their people who like going after hype gone.

[TonyMetal___1986]

Why are you complaining? If you like him than stay and if not than leave...

[Nikki1989]

He has some issues, yes.

[jazzy34]

No, not weird. It sounds like anxiety.

[Smileygirl2000]

It doesn't sound like he's the one for you.

[dragoblack]

He's not weird, he just has social anxiety.

[Asker]

There is a fine line between being nervous and shy about talking to others versus not being able to exist in the presence of other people. I think it goes beyond just social anxiety

[RareBreedOfMan]

Sounds like he got social anxiety?

[jahaims]

It's undiagnosed autism

[MasterKS]

not weird different.