I ran a background check on the guy I'm dating. Do I confront him with what I found?

[Anonymous]

I've been talking to this guy for a couple months and things are going great. He is a perfect gentleman and he spoils me with affection. I don't normally run background checks on guys I date but for some reason I felt extremely nosy and wanted to know about this guys past. I have never had any suspicions that he has done anything illegal. What I found was pretty disturbing for me. He was jailed in 2008 for allegedly killing his girlfriends dog. It says he shot the dog with a bow and arrow and then dumped the body into the dumpster in the apartment complex. I don't know what to do. Should I confront him with the information I found?

[crystallinegreen]

I'm not sure how you have the means to run background check on your boyfriends, but it sounds like it's a good job you did! Even if you hadn't clocked anything suspicious, my guess is that your instincts led you to a different conclusion.

That kind of history is extremely disturbing, and telling of his character. Some crime, such as theft, might occur in the context of extreme life circumstances, such as poverty or drug addiction. Of course this doesn't make for an ideal personal history when you're talking about prospective dates, but hey, no-ones perfect and some folks do a commendable job of turning their life circumstances around. This, though...? What possible motivation could he have to do such a thing? Jealousy, vengeance, hate...? Seems in stark contrast to the you character describe.. "a perfect gentleman".

Have you noticed any other red flags? Superficial charm and killing/torturing animals are both signatures of the sociopath and the narcissist. There are loads of good sites on the net listing other signs to look out for. Though I'll add, you might not necessarily even notice them.. I dated a guy who was later diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder.. when I first met him he was so good at mimicking empathy and humility that I thought I'd finally found a good guy, a guy who could listen! Thinking back his behavior was quite passive-aggressive, though he seemed so caring I had no reason to see it as such.. for example, he would keep me waiting and turn up an hour late for a date only short walk from his home. Once he got his feet under the table he suddenly turned cold, and became incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive.

Writing this I'm kinda telling myself not to jump to conclusions.. but I just can't think of a reason someone would do what he did, that doesn't involve being a warped personality in ways that wouldn't be fixed with the passing of a few years or a stint in jail.

Personally I would urge you not to confront him about it, since I'd be concerned that he might react with rage, or even manipulation if you harbour any guilt about your snooping. In any case, if he's such a character as this I think he'll have a bunch of lies ready to explain it all away. Just leave him.. tell him it's not working out.. make a quiet exit. I know it's crappy to have to end it if you had hopes for the relationship, but I think you've really had a lucky escape.

[Gemlover]

Background checks are inexpensive and eating anyone can get one

[EmpressMe]

No, don't confront him! He sounds mentally unstable! I think you should make up a reason not to see him anymore. Tell him you've realized you really just want to focus on yourself and your career and you don't think a relationship is good for you right now. Killing animals is a sign of psychoticness. You need to stay away from him. Yet, leave in a non-aggressive way that doesn't give him the same urges he had before he killed his ex's dog D:

[Gemlover]

I agree run as hard and as fast as you can from this guy but you did a good job doing the background check I do not blame you for doing a background check on anyone you're bringing into your home into your life and possibly around your children don't tell him just make up an excuse why you can't be together

[Anonymous]

i would confront him, but expect that he will get a bit annoyed.

Its a pretty horrible thing to do.you'd have to be pretty messed up to do something like that!

[Opinion Owner]

..killing the dog I mean

[Asker]

Im thinking I should too. Do you think its OK if I do it over text? I'm not sure if I can get over this even if I do confront him. Its a terrible thing to do.

[Opinion Owner]

yeah, over text is fine.

Just ask him the question straight up without telling him how you found out (until he asks how you found out). - I think if you start off with "i did a background check on you" he might avoid the question and just be angry at the fact you did a background check (also so he doesn't have to answer the question)

[KingsOfleon88]

What I'm curious about is why you would run a background check on this person, regardless if you have the knowledge, means or connections of knowing someone who has the ability to do so? Lets dismiss the fact for a second that you found out he was imprisoned, and just look at it from the perspective of you looking to dig up dirt on a person. You don't see anything wrong that? I understand there are people who you would probably be weary of, and people make mistakes, but what you're doing to these guys is like assuming someone is guilty and making them prove their innocence, rather than innocent until proven guilty.

[Asker]

I already mentioned why I did it. Because I'm nosy. And no, I don't see anything wrong with it. That's the great thing about living in America. Your records are public and it's my right to know who I'm dating, especially since I have a small child.

[Gemlover]

I disagree you have every right to do a background check before bringing someone into your life into your home and possibly around your children

[Gemlover]

I disagree you have every right to do a background check on someone you're dating before you bring them into your life into your home and possibly around your children and family

[Anonymous]

If you do, he's never going to trust you again for nosing into his background. If you don't, you'll never feel comfortable ever having pets with this guy if you decide to.

Maybe you should have just asked him if he had a criminal record first. Maybe there was a reason for it, like he got attacked then tried to cover it up.

[Anonymous]

"I don't normally run background checks on guys I date" lol No, of course not.

If it was him, I think it is a good thing to confront him about. If you do decide to stay with him, you should get him a Michael Vick jersey the first gift giving day between you two.

[Asker]

Sorry, I don't know who Michael Vick is.

[Jager66]

you 2 sound like you were made for each other.