What is an appropriate response for when someone tries to derail a conversation by saying, "I don't like your tone"?

[Anonymous]

Background details: I am in a middle management position in a public school where I am expected to oversee clinical services provided in the special education sub-separate rooms and for students in the inclusion setting. My role involves writing and implementing Behavior Support Plans targeted to decrease challenging behaviors like aggression, property destruction, rude language, screaming, etc. I oversee staff implementing the plans, which includes paraprofessionals in the sub-separate rooms, the special education teachers, and the inclusion teachers, assist them with training as needed, and provide feedback. It's a leadership position, but I am not an administrator.

I have a strong rapport with teachers in the inclusion setting, the psychologist, the counselors, the occupational therapist, and the speech language pathologists. There are no barriers when working with them.

My problem is a couple of the paraprofessionals in the sub-separate rooms. Since I first started (literally), they have screamed at me when I've tried to train them and give them feedback (sometimes in front of the kids), going as far as to follow me out of a room and to my office. One in particular is overtly resistant to feedback (rolling eyes, exaggerated grin, laughing, interrupting with things like "OK! OK! OK!") and the other one is more subtle. They gang up on me and feed off of each other. I've also been told they complain/gossip about me when I'm not there.

A couple weeks ago, one of the paraprofessionals entered my office screaming at me and refusing to leave (I asked 3 times before she finally left and continued screaming in the hallway/stairwell). She then went to the union and said that she screamed at me because she didn't like my tone earlier when I was in the classroom dropping off paperwork.

The person I replaced was part-time. I'm full-time and I think the paraprofessionals are struggling with having someone there giving them feedback more frequently.

Updates

11 mo

What is an appropriate response for when someone tries to derail a conversation by saying, "I don't like your tone?" I want to remain open to hearing feedback about my tone without them trying to derail the conversation or justify their own unprofessional behavior.

[BrendanMiller]

You're in a bad situation because it sounds like you're expected to manage people, but without any authority to give them consequences for insubordination.
There needs to be a clear cut boss who can fire them in charge of them, but it sounds as if you're expected to just give helpful suggestion, and report people who aren't doing their jobs to the higher ups. You shouldn't even respond to the yelling, or any of that crap. Your job should be to go to the person who can fire them and let them know whether or not those individuals are doing their jobs.

[Asker]

The clear cut boss is the principal. He is new too (he started 2 days after I did) and so far he doesn't seem like the kind of person who "cracks down" on people for unacceptable behavior. He is a very collaborative person and wants to take an approach where everyone feels heard and he wants to repair relationships. I feel that basic respect and accountability are lacking with the paraprofessionals, and even if misunderstandings arise, their behavior is unacceptable, but this isn't the message that's being communicated. I feel like he's trying to say we are all equally at fault (their yelling, my "tone") and that's not fair, especially because no one else in the building has a problem with my "tone". The expectation in every other professional setting I've ever worked at is that if someone doesn't like someone else's "tone," they should respectfully communicate that to the other person or their supervisor. I don't know how to communicate this to him though without it seeming like I'm not open to feedback myself

[BrendanMiller]

LoL! Yeah I used to work in a school division in Canada at one time. I understand what you mean about a Principal who doesn't crack down or want to make any waves. They think everyone should just get along and help each other to achieve a common goal. They don't understand that people get an attitude and test their limits unless they have the threat of being fired. Once they find out that you have no power over them they're going to tell you to stick your suggestions up your ass.
Unfortunately the kind of environment that you're in is going to lead to everyone just doing their own thing and gossiping back and forth. They just do what they have to to get by, they aren't striving for excellence, and they definitely don't want you there to watch over them.