How can I cope when a favorite autistic student says they hate me?

[Anonymous]

We work with students on the autism spectrum. One of my students that I absolutely adore, refused to do his work and expects us to do it for him. He missed out on recess because he had to do his work. He was getting frustrated and pissed off. He was frustrated with us three ladies. Well bummer, he is one of 10 students so we treat him the same way as others. How does he think WE feel? He is one of my favorite students and it ache when he had to do it and cry when he missed recess but I had to be tough like the other teachers.
He finally did his work and I was like, “Finally. That’s all you had to do. You are smart. He shoved me away. Like wow…… he’s NEVER done that to me. Then he said to me, “I HATE YOU!! I don’t like you at all anymore!”
I know you should not take it personally but that hurt my feelings, especially from my favorite student (I don’t show it that he’s my favorite. I treat him like everyone else). He pushed my hand away and held the teachers hand instead during dismissal. I wasn’t even trying to reach for his hand. Hopefully he’ll get over it tomorrow.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

That's a tough job requiring you to get supervision and training, you learned from your training that taking things personally isn't the right way. So you know your part. No one is hating you because it's not about you, it is your role, your role is being hated for a moment and what you represent with it, you are not your role.

"How does he think WE feel?"

You must delay venting and vent in appropriate places instead, such as a forum like this one. The rest should be between you and supervision, assuming they are trained for psychology though.

[Master_Debator]

pissed off because you didn't do his work... you did his work.

Before you think he's retarded or beneeth you... consider the idea he's better than all of you combined.

You're a woman... retarded compared to me. You have a brain that 1/3rd of the size of min. Retarded. Autistic kid would probably manage you money better than you and all your stupid female friends. Shopping and eating are all you retards do well.

[LadyBecks]

I think you shouldn't take it personally. It's normal for students, or any kids for that matter, to dislike accountability or strictness, and a teacher's goal should be fostering respect, not popularity.

[Asker]

That’s what we are doing. I know I shouldn’t take it personally but I can’t help it. My best friend said, “Girl if you can’t handle this, then you shouldn’t be a teacher. Most kid’s dislike being held accountable. That’s normal. I don’t think he really hates you but you do need to back off and stop grabbing kids. If they pull away or push your hand away, they are saying NO. Back off. Guide them back to their seats or where they need to be instead of being grabbed.”

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Girl, you hurt his feelings too.

[Asker]

How did I hurt his feelings?
Plus he didn’t have to push me. One of my coworkers said, “Well don’t try to grab him them. If he pulls away or pushes away he doesn’t want you to grab him. Back off!”

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

That little “Finally!” Comment? That was dismissive and condescending

[Asker]

How was that condescending? He should have done his work like he was supposed to

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

He was upset, and hated every second of it. Emotionally speaking, praise was the last thing he wanted, especially the praise of “you’re normal like everyone else”

[Asker]

I never said he was normal. I said he is just like the other students? What’s wrong with that. My sister said that I shouldn’t have praised him after all that and it was too much and I was a bad teacher for doing that. That’s probably why he’s upset and aggravated with me.

[Asker]

I understand he was angry at us especially at me but he should have said he hated me. Now I don’t know how he’s going to react when he sees me

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

If you’re not going to listen to me I don't know why I’m talking

[AI Opinion]

I’ve been there many times, and it really can sting.

A few things that have helped me:

1. Reframe the words. Autistic kids often say “I hate you” as “I hate this feeling / demand / situation.” It’s emotional overflow, not a considered judgment of you.

2. Stay consistently kind and calm tomorrow. Greet him the same way, no extra fuss, no coldness.

3. Repair briefly. Later, in a neutral moment: “Yesterday was hard. I still care about you, and my job is to help you learn, even when you’re mad at me.”

4. Debrief with colleagues. A quick vent helps you reset emotionally.

[Staximus]

You are talking about a kid who obviously has no capacity to comprehend the effects of what he is saying, and cannot regulate his emotions like a normal person. The last thing that kid needs is somebody enabling his acting out by giving in to his tantrums and demands. Remember that this is not your child, you don’t need to develop an emotional bond to be a good teacher. You don’t need to let him get away with stuff because he’s “your favorite”, so don’t back down once you draw the line.

[Asker]

I do draw the line. My best friend who is a teacher said, “Girl you can’t take it personally when kids say stuff like that. Not every day is always a good one and when you’re a teacher, you’re going to have to deal with kids say things like that. They are gonna be in for a rude awakening when they’re older. Even if he’s your favorite student, he needs to be held accountable just like everyone else because if you don’t, then it’s gonna backfire. One more thing do not grab him when he’s trying to get up. Just driving back to see or make them use their words. if they pull away if you try to hold their hand, they don’t want you too. Back off and let them be independent.”

[Iron_Man]

They don’t mean it. It’s just talk for the moment because they’re frustrated it’s like a girl when they say I hate you. They don’t mean that they’re just mad.

[Jersey2]

He is a kid. Kids say that. He will get over it.