A letter to my father

[smalls1995]

I miss him every day.

I miss saying that I have a father. That I had the potential to have a relationship with my father. To spend time to get to know him more. To take long car rides and drop me off at the university we were excited for me to go to. To treasure the beach days we had and how emotionally connected we felt with the waves. How we let nature over whelm our spirits. We were one in the same for that reason.

To listen to his experiences and learn from him. To hear all the funny stories he told just one more time. To eat ridiculously fattening foods together and then hide them from mom. To go sailing and feel the wind against our hair as our eyes are closed. To understand what it’s like to feel the moment. Together.

To love ourselves, but love others more. To go to soup kitchens and serve to the needy. To love people no matter who they were. To strike conversations with strangers and change their outlook on life. To learn from others and set our own beliefs aside. To go shoe shopping and get matching high top converse. To buy running shoes and promise each other we’ll put them to good use.

To feeling. When we run. When we see our family. To when we hear music. To letting the music overwhelm us and take over. To being excited to show each other the new music we’ve been listening to. To the music you made. To how happy and how excited you were to share your music with me.

To all the times you showed me your heart, but I failed to show you mine. I was scared.

But things are different..

And it’s not just because you’re gone.

I understand the reality of our experiences. I understand your whole life, but I also don’t. I understand all that you could not provide for me. I understand all the emotional aspects which were too hard to communicate to me. I understand that you emotionally could not find time for me. That you put others in front of your family. I understand why you answered your phone to strangers in the middle of the night to pray with them, but didn’t have time to go to my soccer games.

And although it hurt me to go through this, I understand.

But who am I and what have I done since you’ve been gone?

I’ve lived. I’m living right now on Earth, because you can’t. Why must I make the excuse that I cannot live because you’re not able to? What injustice am I doing for myself and your legacy? Because opening myself up to new experiences and loving the earth that I walk on is the best way to feel your presence. You exemplified life itself and how we should live it to the best of your ability.

So now....

I run to feel your heartbeat.

I listen to music to feel what we used to feel when we were in the car together driving home.

I go to the ocean & watch the waves to understand how vast the world is and to put things into perspective.

I wear the last pair of shoes you bought me or your leather jacket to feel your warmth.

I close my eyes during great experiences to feel how you felt when you were just happy.

I laugh and crack jokes because we both share joyful hearts.

I goof off because although people don’t take me seriously all the time, I also don’t and I understand that taking things lightly and having fun is so important.

I put myself out there to connect with others because I know what its like to feel alone, ugly, or unimportant.

You were a man filled with flaws,

but I loved who you were and I accept you for what you were to me then.

And now I must heal.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for your loss.