Relationships

Letter to Someone

Again, I was feeling emotional. Sorry for putting you through this. Feel free to ignore this post.

I was wrong. I didn’t know. I thought I killed those feelings when I saw you kiss her. I thought they died a long time ago. I thought I had learnt my lesson after him. But you grew slowly upon me, as slow and inconspicuous as ivy infiltrates marble, growing in the cracks.

Everyone was so happy when they knew. They thought, finally. She has someone to help her get over him.

And they were so confused when I refused to mention you. When I stiffened when they mentioned your name. When I avoided questioning glances about my silence. Because that’s the problem. I never tell anyone anything. And I fall too easily.

I get bottled up and it festers inside of me, eating me away like a parasite. It’s become second nature to me that I can never let it out. I stifle my sobs. I grit my teeth. And I paste on the image of a girl with the perfect everything; the girl with a carefree attitude; the girl who’s bright and intelligent and talented; the aloof girl with a cold aura.

Because I have many masks; every one of them meticulously sculpted to please and placate those around me. I become so absorbed in my masks that I don’t know the girl behind them; the girl who was said to be cheerful, friendly, happy; the girl who was said to have a dimpled smile. I don’t know if that’s who I am anymore. Nobody knows.

And now I know. I knew as soon as I felt the empty space where my hand held onto yours; as soon as I began to miss the weight of your arm around my shoulder; knew as soon as I felt as if I was missing a limb.

I knew that they meant nothing to you, but to me they meant everything. With you I felt cared for, and understood; I could never tell anyone the truth about me, but you were close to getting it. Although I never tell anyone about me, somewhere deep inside of me there’s a girl begging for someone to dig deep enough, to ask the right questions. Because that girl still believes.

I thought I already had experienced first love; I’m not so sure now. But I don’t deserve you. And it doesn’t matter. Soon enough things will turn downhill and I’ll wake up again. Maybe this time I’ll learn.

Don’t forget what’s right in front of you. There’s a girl out there who likes you. Who’s hoping that you break her heart again. Who’s hoping that you won’t. Because if you do, I’m just one step closer to learning. And if you don’t… I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Letter to someone

Letter to Someone
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