A letter to my mother

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I premise this isn't a proper myTake, but it's more of an impotent outburst I have to put down somewhere. I can't tell this directly to my girlfriend because she's dealing with enough crap already. I can't give this directly to the intended recipient as she'll probably overreact or just brush it off like she did with everything I told her.
So here we go and I ask you in advance to please forgive me for this.

---

Dear Mom (gah, it feels strange to even call you that way)

I know you won't be reading this and I honestly prefer for it to be that way.
So, after months of radio silence, you found it proper to appear out of nowhere to complain about the fact that I haven't told you a thing about my new girlfriend, with whom for irony of fate you share the same first name. Don't you wonder why?

When I presented you my ex girlfriend, you turned your nose up because of her surname. Because the sweater she was wearing was too skin-tight (how can a sweater even be skin-tight?). Because she was raised by a single mother and so this was "problematic".

Oh boy, this one sure is funny.
A single mother raises a daughter, and that's problematic.
But you, with your number of husbands and lovers to your side, haven't been capable of raising not even one of your three children. You keep using the excuse you were too young ("But I was just 16 when I had your sister, and I was just 21 when I had you"), but you always had plenty of time and money coming in and instead of staying with us you just went on living your adventure through the world. Of course, you were and still are young and beautiful, so why waste that by raising your children, eh? Just drop them to various family members and go on your merry way.

Sure, you have been slightly - just a little - better than our father who just up and made himself another family. At least you stuck around in the Holidays.

Still, you deliberately absented yourself from my life only to periodically come back, playing house for a while and then going away again. The moment playing mother got too tiresome, you up and left.

And now that I'm doing well enough, you think you have the right to barge in to mess around with my life and cause more troubles. As if I didn't have enough problems to deal with.
When I do state my reasons pacately and politely, you just love playing the injured Bambi's mother and ask me why I have to be so mean when you just wants to be helpful, that I keep throwing your "honest mistakes" back in your face, that I'm being "problematic", etc.
You are just like my sister on that, this must be some trait that runs in the women of our family. And to think you can't stand each other! She's probably the only you left something of yourself. Apparently you both are like a battery - two negative poles repulse each other.

And not to play victim, but of us three I am the one you seemed to like playing the most - raising my expectations and hopes, just to let them fall down. Call for me to run in your open arms, just to step out of the way and make me slip in the mud.

Perhaps it's because I'm the only male son you have, and you don't know how to deal with men you can't butter up with sweet words and an abundant cleavage? Perhaps it's because I'm ugly and short and not tall and beautiful like you? Or perhaps because I resemble the man that you love and hate the most?

Really, I don't know. Answer if you can or want to.
You want to meet my new girlfriend, your homonym so to say. Fine.
Maybe the fact that she has a "good sounding" surname, got raised in a "normal" family and dresses "properly" won't make you turn your nose away.

But after that, we return to the level of courtesy and distance we had before. Unless you are really that intent in mending our relationship, but demonstrate it with facts and not empty words.

Do show that if the occasion arises, I can count on you if I come to you, instead of packing your baggage because "there's something you can't miss".

Because I tell you, not without some sadness that you missed a lot of stuff you "couldn't have missed", and by the way you try to reach to us, to me, to my sisters, it shows you know it.

Maybe one day I'll find the gall to tell you those things for real.

Maybe then you'll stop, even just for a moment, to be the fascinating, perfumed and regal diva you put yourself to be; and will be the patient and lovely mother you so rarely showed you are.

Until then, for what's it's worth
I love you Mom
Janì

[justtechh]

powerful. I would have her read it, if I knew who she was. even knowing it would piss you off, it also would provide even the slightest bit of healing you seek. the door open. because deep down, you know you've already said these things, you just don't expect it to matter or change anything. "so what's the point?" hopefully, one day you will get drunk enough, or a moment of clarity, or something that breaks the lock holding that inside, long enough for her to see it. you need it. the worst that can happen is that nothing changes and it makes no change in her. maybe that's what you fear. as well as fearing the possibility of the extreme guilt trip laid on you... because you know you it tears you apart. your letter clearly defined that. it already has.

I know your pain. your trauma. your frustration and hopelessness. your anger and suffering. my story is slightly different, but the damages are the same. different parent, different reason, but the way of being treated, the weakness to their callous and selfish actions, make you question what kind of parent could be so self centered that they can't see you screaming for help as they run you over.

if only I were able to word things do well as you have...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, appreciation and well wishes, I wholeheartedly appreciate them!
I'm sorry you had to go through a similar, if not worse situation with a parent - I hope you managed to resolve things or at least improved them a little or found some closure about your situation.

I admit that my only hope with my mother is that since she's still quite young (she's 43) we still have the time to try and manage to mend our relationship. Hopefully...

[justtechh]

all you can do is try. you may or may not succeed because you ultimately can't control other people's choices. but you can control how hard you try. and one feeling you don't want to be left with, is regret and feeling like you could have done more, when it's too late. it's better to try and fail completely than regret not having done it...

[justtechh]

and thank you for your response.. sometimes every day is a struggle. struggle to find self worth. to find confidence. to find inner peace. to not feel overwhelmed. some days are good. some are bad. it's been a rough year. I really hope you're successful. but I think it's going to tear you apart inside more and more if you do nothing. I think what you wrote is perfect the way it is. don't rewrite it or change it or explain it. it says everything it needs to in the right way. I do truly wish I could explain things that clearly.

[Anonymous]

Mate I was crying when I finished reading, I'm still crying now. My mom was like yours but damn illness got her when I was younger than you are now
You have to make her read this asap, she's here today and maybe tomorrow she's gone, get what I mean... I wish I could say the things you wrote to my mum when she was still here...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Wow, I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you are doing better now.
You are absolutely right in everything, thank you for sharing your experience.

[dancing_in_nebulas]

Ah, the delicate rage of mommy issues.

You want to crush her soul, make her as hurt and confused, but that stupid thread still binding you loosely to her, stops.

My mom is a narcissist, who loves money just as much as herself.

I am her bastard child, of a failed marriage she is still bitter over.

She is very very distant towards me, and it's too such a point, that she doesn't even know what things I like to build a relationship now.

I'm glad you found a girlfriend.

Finding a boyfriend is a horrible feat, that leaves me feeling distant and invalid to all men.

Lack of a maternal bond, makes it void to bond with others.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for sharing your own experience, I'm sorry you had to go through that, I hope you are doing better now if even slightly.
I understand how it can be difficult to find a good and healthy relationship, from personal experience I know this kind of issues can lead to fall in relationships with abusive or unstable partners. Some have their own issues, some take advantage of yours.
I wish you every well and good in the future, I assure you that even if it's not easy, there's someone who can and will help and respect you and will make you happy the same way you can make them happy.

[SydneySentinel]

❤❤❤ I don't know this struggle but I cannot imagine. This picture of the mother walking away hurts my heart. You're stronger than you know.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I try to. Hope things are going well for youl.

[SydneySentinel]

Thanks for the MHO. I hope things are going well with life and you have many blessings in the New Year!

[OlderAndWiser]

It is so very sad when a mother does not know how to show love! And, too often, that inability is learned by each succeeding generation as effectively as if it had been inherited. But is sounds like you are determined to stop the legacy and to show that you can rise above your beginnings to be better than you "should be." I am confident that you will be successful where others have failed!

[PinkMichae]

I'm sorry you are hurting. My mom was a partier. As a child I new the bar number by heart. It was normal for me so I became independent at a young age. As I grew up and became a mom I realized how I wish didn't allow me to make my own choices at 14 years old. My friend thought it was cool that I had freedom, no curfew, and a mom that would by alcohol for us or offer a hit off a joint. I stopped going to school because my mom wasn't there to ride my ass. I put myself in some bad situations that made me feel bad about myself. I just wish partying wasn't her priority. I wish I had a mom that showed she cared about my safety and future.

But I forgave her. And in my 20's she got sick. I moved her in and helped take care of her for 11 years. I'd like to think we repaired our relationship.

She died of her disease 4 years ago. I wish i had more time.

I really hope your mom comes around because she needs to own her mistakes. Hopefully she will grow up.

When people have kids they come before everything. Of course a parent needs me time but there's appropriate times to take that time. Our kids rely on us to raise them so they can have the best chance at a future. They deserve love, our presence, discipline, and stability so they can become productive citizens.

[PinkMichae]

*buy I meant

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I'm sorry you had to go through that, alcoholic parents are one of the worst things a child has to experience.
I'm happy you managed to recuperate well for yourself and fix the relationship with your mom, making the best out of her last years. That you took care of her really shows how generous and caring you are.
Your answer gives me a little more hope - I really think it's possible to make up a good relationship with her, since she's still quite young and healthy so I think she's more willing to improve and try.
However, the worst thing in my opinion is that she does try, but gives up at the first incovenience. It already happened a lot of times.

[PinkMichae]

I would tell her that. Tell her you want a relationship but she has to promise not to quit when things get hard.

[missalyss714]

I dont see myself as materialistic (as I once was. I've shed a lot of that). reading this terrifies me that my daughter may grow up with this same perspective. we lost our son at 2mo's old 9/7/18 of SIDS (no explanation or reason) and my daughter was placed with my in laws for concern of our mental health. our visiting her was then contingent upon us giving clean UAs (no weed OR alcohol at all) anything showing up barred us from seeing her. a year and a half later, we've missed 2 Halloween's, 2 first days of school, 2 birthdays, a thanks giving, a Christmas concert at school, (were so lucky to be blessed with seeing her on christmas), Easter, 4th of July, brothers first bday (and his absence for it) and brothers last day anniversary and everything in between. 15 months of being in placement is when they look to adoption. it's been 9 and they've already set it in motion & an attempt to terminate our parental rights. solely because we've not given sunstance tests squeaky clean. in which I beg the question, WHO COULD while going through all this? we can't have a relationship with family or see them because were not allowed to be with her. were being treated as though we had some sinister play in the loss of our son despite an investigation ruling SIDS and closing the case without a word. we truly did nothing & want our children more than anything.
I felt it necessary to explain the circumstances. I'm afraid she's going to end up being in & out of our lives because of how cruel cys is & how they hunt for reasons & lie to take her. I'm afraid we'll get her back, for several months later to be blindsided by some other fluke of circumstance where she's ripped away again and then growing up having no clue that we've been fighting so hard against all this, crying and thinking of her & her brother each day, aching for, at least her, to be home & how every little thing reminds us of them. but she'll never know that. and this exact paradigm could be what she develops as this people tell her skewed versions of the absolutely false things cys caseworkers have said through her lifetime & she then draw her own assumptions based on the menial and generally false information she DOES have to fill in the blanks of the ample missing info and desperate attempts to answer her questions- "why doesn't mommy and daddy want me like my friends' mommys & daddys do?" "why do all my friends live with their parents but I dont live with mine?" "it just must be they dont want me" "they probably dont love me."
i couldn't be more terrified and broken to think of that very real reality. so maybe there were extenuating circumstances you're not privy to that caused some or all of what happened.
sometimes I think she's better off to be with his parents as they're so much more stable, mature and can give her everything and teach her more than I ever could. they fit the mold for 'the perfect parents'. tidy, decent status, etiquette, enough money, church going.. maybe your mom felt the same

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you had to endure this and I can imagine how hard it is just by reading the letter 💔. From what I have learned in my life, some family members don't feel what harm they are doing until you are either completely crashed ( in which case a narcissist still wouldn't care), or you confront them harshly with everything. Some people just won't change, it's so sad.
The only thing you can do is hand her this letter or another version of it. To make her aware of what she has done and how she hurt you. Because only then she will have some conscious and maybe feel abit of guilt. But she seems like a narcissist and not much is to be expected. Just know that the problem is with her not you. And you deserve love and someone to care for you- which in your case you have your girlfriend. Sometimes family is the people who genuinely care for you even if they are strangers.
You reminded me so much of one of my parents. It's so sad that the people who are supposed to love and care for you, destroy you instead. And rarely will they change, only if it's too late.
Try to build your own environment with positive relationships and you'll be just fine. ❤❤❤

[daringhorse]

Our hearts are broken after we read it. We are sorry for how you have dealt this on your own when u were growing up. NO Children should ever feel abandonment from their parents, especially their mom! Keep your head up high and stay strong! Ur mom doesn’t have the right to say about ur girlfriend’s family! Just because ur ex is raised by a single mom doesn’t mean she is problematic. The problematic one is ur mother. Plus it’s not ok for her to make comments bout someone else’s surname.
Sending our love to u! We have faith in u! Thanks for sharing this to us! It was empowering!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragements, I appreciate them with all my heart!
I know my mother is the problematic one, with her attitude and double standards, and that's the reason I'm always wary around her. I'll try to see if there's a way to keep at least a passable relationship, if she's willing to put some effort in it.

[midnightmoon05]

J. Thank you for opening up and sharing this. Hugs and tears.
I am so happy for you that your struggles got you to a better place. It is through all these you learn to grow, apprciate life and those who truly are there and care for you. You know who they are.

I encounter these kids daily and I met (spoke to) some of these parents. Not much I can do but understand, children are so innocent/precious and all they really need/want is to be loved/heard. It takes so little to give them the love to grow.

You have come a long way and brighter days to come.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragements, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
I'll do my best to not let what happened prevent me to be happy and make the people around me happy.

[lightbulb27]

Wow, that was touching and so thoughtfully conveyed. Your mom... she's very selfish, prioritizes other stimulation over her kids... like she can't bond. Hard ego... means deep wounds. I'd wonder what happened early in her life she's holding onto, but she's not going to expose it to you. One of the challenges is accepting our parents as flawed people, sometimes very flawed. But mom is so important, and you feel that. I hope you break the chains and your kids have it much better.

Dad as well... one gets the sense he ran so far from mom he never turned back. how awful. A bomb went off in your family... an emotional one...

I'm glad you turned out as well as you did, testament to who you are.

Reminds me to thank my mother, I got lucky with a good one... the opposite.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
You are right that parents, like all people, are flawed; but I still hold a little the hope that we can make up a good relationship since she's still quite young. I have already given up with my father since unlike her he's not even trying, is much older and in my opinion much more selfish than her.
I think the big problem with my mother is that she mentally she remained the age she was when she got pregnant - 16, so she tends to avoid or run away from any hardship.

I'm happy you never had to experience that, hope you write a good letter to your mom!

[lightbulb27]

that sounds correct on your mom... she's probably stuck emotionally in a state of shame and runs to whatever medication she can get... shopping or events or men to numb the pain. be surprised if she didn't drink a lot. that'll be a bear when she's older. be great if she got into therapy now, but she'd have to want it... and nobody likes dealing with their own stuff hidden inside.

my mom lives with me now, so I'll tell her:)

[DizzyDesii]

Damn this touched me. And now i feel bad for telling u to introduce your girl. You can still love your mom but dont ever seek satisfaction from her. Listen to Prince “Doves Cry” and Read mine...
The Rise AND Fall of a Role Model: A Mother’s Quest ↗

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, I'll read it now

[Massageman]

Sorry that you've had to deal with this in your life. This makes some of your questions more clear.
I'm just confused about her asking about your new girlfriend. If you hadn't been communicating, how did your mother know about a new girlfriend? Your mom needs to hear the song "Love is Something" (also called Magic Penny) and open her door. You- on the other hand- already exemplify it.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
Simply said, my mother heard about my new girlfriend by one of my sisters.
What makes it bad is that I see she tries, but then gives up as soon as things get difficult.

[Massageman]

I don't know whether your should want to chastise her for giving up so easily, or pity her because she just might be able to handle "real life" from her mental stanbdpoint.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I don't really don't know.
She's like that with everyone. She settles somewhere with her charm, goes about with her antics and disappears overnight the moment things look bad or even just a little difficult.

[Linda625]

Exactly

[0112358]

I don’t know you and only have glimpses of your life. But for what it’s worth for your sanity:
“Or perhaps because I resemble the man that you love and hate the most?”

Is probably a pretty good bet.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think so, and honestly it hurts the most. I didn't do anything bad to her or abandoned her like my father did.

[pleasestopthis]

Wow. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but at least you could get this off your chest. I hope someday you'll gather the courage (and energy) to tell her how you really feel about her, it will be good for you.
Your mother sounds like a narcissist person who makes everything about her (sorry if this sounds harsh) and you don't need to feel guilty about keeping your distance.

[BlackRoseFairy]

I don't know what to say to that... I am sorry you had to go through this and still are... 😔

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.
The worst thing in my opinion is that she does try, but gives up at the first incovenience. Now she's trying again and I'm giving her another chance... let's hope it goes well.

[BlackRoseFairy]

She might have the intention but lacks the method... Let's hope you two will find a way to get along.. I know it can be hard and sometimes it takes years to fix a bad relationship. Don't give up and you might be surprised (in a good way I mean)

[spartan55]

Wow, that was tough to read. My heart goes out to you brother.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you

[Linda625]

Oh that’s good

[ShadowofRegret]

I'm sorry for all that you had to go through...

May the Lord bless you.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, I wholeheartedly appreciate them.

[latinabutterfly96]

Proud of you for posting this. And proud of you for becoming a better person than her. Lots of people don’t have proper maternal care, and they grow up to be very bitter. You didn’t, so kudos to you for that. <3 :)

[Can_I_Get_a_Do-Over]

Keep the toxic people out of your life and be happy with your girlfriend. Build a circle of good friends.

[nerms123]

The “i love you mom” at the end just freaking breaks me 😢😢😢

[AJC997]

I read and it must hurt and I’m sorry. If you EVER need to talk, I’m here. I’m on your side.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you, I wholeheartedly appreciate it.

[I-C3_ME]

This is really powerful & I'm glad u found the strength to throw or your chest

[Anonymous]

Suddenly your issues with women got a lot more clear now.