Family & Friends

Who a Friend Is

Who a Friend Is


The definition of a friend is an ambiguous one; it has different meanings for different people. To add to that natural variety, social media has blurred the lines on who a friend is. For example, consider all of your “friends” on Facebook. How many of them are actually friends? Or consider all of your classmates or co-workers. How many of them are actually friends? To avoid any confusion, I have 4 defining factors on who a friend is.



Firstly, a friend is someone you care about and who cares about you. There are two important sides to this statement. For one, I cannot say that a friend is just someone you care about. This would mean that celebrities, sports-players, and politicians of your liking would be friends, but that’s not necessarily true. On the other hand, I cannot say that a friend is just someone who cares about you. Friends should not be selfishly viewed as objects that we derive some pleasure from, but it is true that we benefit from friends. If we do not benefit then there is no point in friendship. There has to be a mutual benefit and, consequently, friendship is not rooted in egoism. You do not have to consistently or equally benefit from a friend for them to be a friend. So one defining quality of a friend is that you care about him/her and he/she cares about you.



A second defining quality of a friend is that you enjoy spending time with him/her regardless of how much time you spend with him/her. I could simply say that a friend is someone you get along with but you are just as likely to get along with passersby, people off the street. There should not be such neutrality in friendship. You could enjoy spending time with teammates if you were on a sports team but that does not make all of your teammates friends. You must also care about a person for him/her to be a friend. I should also add that a friend is someone you enjoy spending time with regardless of how much time you spend with him/her. A friend does not have to be someone you regularly hang out with. Instead of quantity, the quality of time spent with a person is an indicator of whether or not that person is a friend.



Thirdly, a friend is someone you derive a sense of belonging from and who you can be yourself with. That is, you feel accepted by friends and can easily relate to friends. This may entail similarities between people such as similar interests, opinions, values, attitudes, careers, and/or activities. However, one can feign similarity. For example, a person can pretend to like certain sports or tv shows in order to fit in with another group of people. Therefore, a friendship can be based on a false sense of belonging whereby you conform to a person’s ideals. I believe that an actual friend would accept you for who you are and not force you to act like somebody else for acceptance. Therefore, a friend is someone from whom you derive a sense of belonging from without having to act differently to win their approval.



A fourth quality of a friend is that you are not obliged to spend time with him/her. I include this quality to help distinguish between friends and family. There is some ambiguity in this area since family members can be friends; there is some overlap. To me, the closer a family member is (in terms of relation – parent, sibling, cousin, etc.) the more obligation you have to care about that member of the family. There is less obligation to care about distant family members, such as cousins, and therefore these family members can also be friends. As well, this fourth quality helps to distinguish friends from co-workers who you often have to spend time with and care about. Rather, a friend is someone you choose to care about and spend time with out of your own free will.



To summarize, a friend is someone you:



  • care about and who cares about you

  • enjoy spending time with regardless of how much time you spend with him/her

  • derive a sense of belonging from and who you can be yourself with

  • are not obliged to spend time with him/her


Other qualities may be commonly prescribed to friends but not found in all friends. I believe the 4 bullet points above fit the minimum for friendship. My definition may seem a bit strict but I believe this is helpful to prevent confusion between and distinguish from related terms such as colleague, co-worker, family member, roommate, classmate, neighbour, contact, and acquaintance. I hope that my reasoning will help to avoid such ambiguity.


Who a Friend Is
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