What I've learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

I wish I could say that I have moved on and forgotten, but I haven't done either. Sometimes I use humor to cope with the pain that I feel endlessly, but after a while when it's just me alone with my thoughts of shame and disgust with myself, nothing helps me cope. Even though Steve (my grandpa) did terrible things to me, some good came out of it. Here are some things I have learned from him.

1. Don't trust anyone easily, you will be very disappointed.

Of all the people I thought I could trust, you were right up on the list. I met you for the first time when I was 8 years old, a time when you could be teaching me things, and leaving everlasting impressions, and my god you did. You took the fun out of tickling and the love out of hugs, the excitement out of shopping and the comfort out of simple conversation.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

2. Don't be selfish.

You bribed me and won my affection by taking me out to buy whatever I wanted and to go wherever I wanted to eat. You took me mini golfing and to the biggest mall I had ever seen. The sick part is, by the time I was 12 I knew what you were up to, yet I was selfish and wanted all the things you offered me, toys, makeup, social interaction etc. so I let it all slide. That's the price I must pay.

3. The true meaning of a Grandpa

I also had a great grandfather whom I called "Papa", he passed away in 2017, and to this day I always ask myself "Why did he have to die? Why not Steve? Why did it have to be Papa?" I guess I'll never have the answer to that. Papa showed me what a real grandpa is supposed to be, and Grandpa helped me realize even more just how fake of a grandpa he himself really is. Papa bought me ice cream and wanted nothing in return but my smiles. Papa would greet my every time with a high five and a "how's my girl?". Papa never made me feel uncomfortable, and I wish to god I spent more time with him on his last days, instead of just feeding him his meals and then leaving. I couldn't stand the sight of him dying, even though I was there for his last breath.

I remember Steve was at his funeral sitting in the very back. Watching me cry, maybe knowing deep down inside that I will never cry for him that way.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

4. Some memories never fade, and it's pointless to try and make them.

You moved away now, got married for a third time to a woman half your age, you've been gone for a couple years now, and yet I still cry and cut myself when I think about what you've done to me. You still call on birthdays and Christmas, so ignorant to what I'm feeling. I'm feeling utter shame and disgust with you and myself.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

And believe me, it took me a while to learn this lesson. I tried so hard to escape these memories and run from your terror. It still lingers with a vengeance.

5. You are in a way, powerless.

You reminded me just how weak I am as a person, physically and mentally. I won't forget when you pinned me down and kissed me neck when I was 12. I didn't even want to pretend to play along anymore, I wanted you OFF. You were touching me and making me want to die. Congratulations, you actually succeeded in making me want to die.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

6. Even when you forgive and try to move on, it still isn't enough.

I wrote you a letter, my longest letter yet, pouting my heart out. I didn't criticize you, I just told you the affects your behavior had on me, and how I'm hurting, suicidal and I need you to change. You never responded. Nothing. I was the bigger person and even still it did nothing.

Even now I wonder if you will ever leave my head, I'm pretty sure I like older men because of some after affect you left on me. It started right around 8 or 9 years old. To this day, it's only older men that I'm attracted to. I hate you.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather

Even though you taught me these valuable things the hard way, I realize now how much hatred I have inside for you. And I think you know it, because I think you hate yourself too. If I were you, I would hate myself so fucking much. How do you even go on living like this? But the least I can do is thank you for the life lessons.

What Ive learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather
What I've learned from being sexually taken advantage of and molested by my grandfather
Add Opinion

Most Helpful Guys

  • ijstwonder
    Firstly, I'm sorry for everything you've been through and everything you are still going through. I think it's great that you are expressing your thoughts and feelings on this however, in those thoughts and feelings there seems to be a lot of blame directed at yourself. Don't blame yourself, you were a child with someone with both physical and mental power over you and someone you were supposed to trust. He abused this trust and the power he had over you and there's nothing that can make this be your fault in anyway. The only one being disgusting is him and the only one who should hate themselves is him.

    If you aren't already in some sort of counseling I would highly recommend it especially if you have thoughts of suicide or self harm. I been in therapy for something very different but I was very hesitant for therapy because I didn't want to feel like I was a weirdo or that something is wrong with me. Well I was wrong and it was very helpful going to therapy so I'd highly recommend trying it.

    You are basically an adult now and you really don't have to keep contact with him and it's nothing you owe him. Unless you want to keep contact that is.

    Again this was never your fault and I hope you will be able to work through this.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thank you very much

    • ijstwonder

      No, thank you for sharing ❤️ Sadly your story is one of many and even the women I care about the most in my life have experienced things no one should ever experience.

      Even if this is doesn't make things better, those two women whom has experienced similarly themed traumas are also the two strongest I've met in my life and they have so much heart.

  • I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
    It's really something heavy and the road to recovery will not be short and easy.
    All best wishes though, I'm confident you are strong and have an iron will that will help you overcome cose traumatizing experiences.
    Is this still revelant?

Most Helpful Girls

  • grapefruit11
    You didn’t deserve any of that to be done to you. In response to #2, you were a child! You were not selfish. An adult was manipulating you to think what he did to you was “fair” or some kind of “even exchange.” I’m sorry for all the years you had to be anywhere near that man. Family pressure often makes it so hard to choose who you’ll except into your space. There’s an expectation of blind respect and trust.

    My hope for you is that you still live your life fully. Try not to feel tarnished because you are NOT tarnished. You are pure and clean and that evil man tried to take that away but he can’t. He is dirty, not you. You deserve good things. Be kind and gentle with yourself. The child you were still needs to heal. So give yourself the compassion you’d give to any child going through the trauma you endured.
    Is this still revelant?
  • PhoenixAl
    I feel terrible that you had to go through that. No words can be good enough to make you feel better about it but let me tell you something. Some things are just impossible to ever forget. Your power depends on how you can turn that to your advantage and I really like this take because you talked about what you learnt from that experience not just how you feel about it. Trust me everyone goes through things, some even worse but we have to be strong because life is a wonderful gift no matter what it happens. You will have a looot to learn to your babies one day and that is a great thing. I wish you never have to go through these terrible things again ❤
    Is this still revelant?

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • menina
    I'm so sorry to hear this. You always seem so bubbly and confident, I had no idea that you had an horrible experience like this. I can tell that there's a lot of pain, hatred and sadness inside of you. I hope it goes away someday.
    Remember, you're not weak your grandfather is. He's the one who should be ashamed and I agree with you, he probably hates himself. You're better than him. :) 🤗❤
  • DizzyDesii
    Im glad you shared this. I’m just glad you made it through all the BS he did to you. I hope you eventually share your story with others maybe in a group setting and you can all help other youngsters
  • knottywriter
    I think its safe to say that a lot of us have learned these lessons in one way or another over the years. I learned many of these from my ex-wife who emotionally abused me for years while I stayed trying to be the perfect husband. There is no reason that I think I could ever be the person I once was for her. She tore that away from me along with my entire self worth. I still struggle with my depression from it though have been suicide thought free for nearly 10 years now.

    I say this only to let you know that you are not alone. Our stories are different, and I will certainly not compare mine to the trauma that occurred with you, but we can relate. And there sadly are others who can relate to the very same trauma you have experienced. It is bad enough when something like that happens from someone else, but from a family member, that is double the trauma and my heart truly breaks for you.

    The fact that you are still here, despite your struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and the self-harm, is a beautiful thing. It shows you are strong. It shows you can conquer. It shows you control your own destiny. It may be a tough one because of the pain you've been through and the trauma you've experienced, but they haven't blown out your light. So let it shine and be a light for others who have gone through these things.

    Definitely would encourage you to find a therapist who can help you navigate through a lot of these emotions and the trauma. I know my messages are always open for you if you need a safe place to talk and I imagine many others here would be open to that as well. We must lift up those around us so we can build brighter futures. I am proud of your strength! It's a beautiful quality.
  • Highsexdrivehere9191
    I feel sorry to hear about what you have lived :(( I hope you will get over with it
    You are powerful girl
    Don't let those moments affect you
    Don't like older men..
    Your brain is powerful, make your brain, teach your brain nothing like that happened in the past
    I'm sure you can succeed on it :)
    • Thank you, but I only said it may be why I like older men. I very much love my taste in men, I like that I want them to be older. :)

    • I guess it might be the reason
      But I would like you to get over with it, and make it's effect zero
      I hope and believe you can do it
      You are powerful young lady :)

    • I wish i was there to make you feel happy, loved,
      But I believe someone will do it :)
      Hope you to be happy all your life

    • Show All
  • Grond21
    This was so vulnerable, and also beautiful. Thank you for sharing your pain and your heart. It is a gift to see
  • thanks for sharing this.
    It has 2 be hard for someone who is supposed 2 help protect u from things lk this.
    Again i am here if u ever need to vent

  • Flower7
    I'm sorry this happened to you. I can tell that you're still in a lot of pain from it. I hope that somehow, you can be healed from this and no longer be weighed down by this burden.
  • SuccessfulHornDog
    That was powerful. I am sorry for what you went through, and continue to go through. Do your parents know what he did?
  • Squirts93
    I feel like I've learned all these lessons at one point or another, but I was never traumatized... As far as I can remeber... I just get flashbacks to embarrassing things I did all the time.
  • SpeakingClouds
    Ok this actually made me shed a few tears. I still have that great grandfather and on the other hand I can't imagine such shitty people as Steve actually still take their breaths in this world.
  • Aiko_E_Lara
    I'm sorry i have nothing else to say but to hope everything will be alright. Just stay focus and make your future bright and i wish you good luck.
  • certifiedalphafemale
    I'm really sorry about what you've been through! You never deserved to be treated like a piece of meat. I'd suggest you talk to a therapist if you're having problems about this. Keep your head up queen! Don't let anyone diss you!
  • Rob17792
    I'm sorry you went through all of that. I hope you're in counseling and seeing a good therapist to help you cope with these feelings. I wish you a better future ahead and you shouldn't had gone through all of that. And I'm sorry you did
  • This is very bold and powerful! Thank you for sharing this with us!

    My only thing I would say is don't get to hung up on trust. Trust has to be earned of course but don't like it effect your interactions with people. It's ok to warm and considerate of others around you but when it comes to not being in public or being in not safe spots don't do that at all.

    This is the difference when someone says hello in the hall, say hello warmly back but when someone says hey I want to show you something be much more cautious in that moment.

    Simply because not trusting people can get to a point of being unhealthy too.

    There needs to be a balance of acceptance vs healthy distrust

    I say this because things like this can scar your life. And you just have to protect yourself to have a healthy balance.

    I hope this makes sense and gets upvotes 😂
  • Kaazsz
    It’s amazing how alone you can be. Probably can’t even tell family because they refuse to believe and get upset. How sick is that?

    I wonder what help there is? Surely there’s some kind of program. You could ask a guidance counselor at school? Call up some women’s shelter and ask for info or advice. Something!

    Especially if your family refuses to believe you or care. You need more help than ever because they are toxic people as well.

    You can’t control the feelings and beliefs that are instilled inside you. Even if you understand and recognize that you were just a little kid and didn’t know shit. It’s impossible to rationalize your way out of feeling bad. You have to get therapy and help for it to help sort out your brain. Everyone is damaged from their childhood in some way.

    I hope someone bashes his skull in =D
  • Nephilim000
    Gosh I am so sorry for what you have been through. I hope you heal
  • AllieOops
    I'm not sure how someone can be attracted to older men when it was one who did all this. I would have thought it would have been the opposite.
  • CuriousCat123
    That is unbelievable!! I mean what type of grappa does "it" with his own granddaughter. Sorry about that. I am so sorry for your Papa too. Wishing you the best and better.
  • GoodGuyBreakingBad
    Thanks for sharing your MyTake, I'm so sorry for your misfortune in life, Like I told people many therapists I've had, I've had to open up to them and tell them I believe I was a victim of sexual abuse as a small child cause with both ex-girlfriends I had I had issues even if they tried to give me a handjob I just had something that it did not want work but as a teenager, I was always highly sexual having hard-ons in public with no shame but threw my shorts it could be seen.. I just think it's terrible when someone sexually abuses a person I did recall one time in public, seeing this grand-dad smacking his teen grand-daughter on her butt every aisle they walked down in Rite Ad and her Dad just looked very mean that was all. But it makes you wonder why these things go on.. I wish you well on these issues
  • SetFree
    Hoping for true healing and the best life for you. So sorry for what you went through. I hope the remaining chapters of your life redeem everything for you with countless blessings.
  • DiversityHire
    I wish I couldn't relate to this as well as I can. Just keep living your life, it's all we can do.
  • Another_Old_Guy
    I'm sorry for what he put you through. You aren't weak. You've been hurt, that makes us FEEL weak. Hurt by someone you TRUST that makes us feel stupid. Hurt and betrayed by someone you trusted when you were vulnerable and they were in a position of authority, that makes us feel hopeless.

    You've already come a long way in your healing, this post shows that. You will continue to heal, and it will take time. You will find that you are stronger than you thought. That you've BEEN stronger than you think. You will gain insight and perspective and Steve will have less and less presence in your life. <3
  • Gwenhwyfar
    This is horrible
  • Smirnoff23
    Just WOW