So I have always been a person that kept emotions to myself. I would only cry in private, I would try to express anger as much as I could far away from other people etc..
The only person I was more open to was my mom. Then I met this girl and fell in love with her, I felt really comfortable with her so I talked about my emotions with her. She didn't like me back in a romantic way but we still became really close friends. Then my mom got really sick and I started talking a lot to her to make myself feel better.
After my mom died she was really there for me and kept me mentally stable (I have struggled with depression before). Then she got really busy with school so she couldn't talk as much. When this happened I felt super alone.
This made me realise I depended to much on her mentally and emotionally and I decided to not talk about my emotions with her anymore, I would just tell her I was feeling good and I would hide how I really felt. I figured this was a good decision because it would make me seem less of a negative person (which would lead to her associating more positive emotions with me).
The thing is, now I have fallen into depression again. I want to talk to her again like I did before but I'm afraid it will be dangerous to depend on her like that again, I should be able to deal with my mental problems on my own.
I don't know how to fix it...
What Girls Said
Yeah so it sounds like you have a lot of shit going on in your head. You need to get yourself a therapist so you can work through all the stuff you are shoving down.
On YouTube check out stuff on shadow work.
If you are strapped for cash- the best thing you can do is get yourself a journal- paper probably is best. Then set aside time every couple of days to just let yourself sit with your feelings and write them all down as if you were speaking out loud. Let yourself cry, take breaks if you need to, but you have to let yourself feel those things.
What you are really missing is the outlet for your feelings to be expressed. If you don't think journalling will work for you- maybe just talking outloud to yourself may work. I find writing though super healing because you are kinda getting it out and giving it a permanent home on paper.
Thank you.
I tried therapy before but for me it doesn't help and also in the past these people fucked me up even more. I like the idea of the journal, I was kind of already doing it by posting on this site but maybe I should write more and not only at my breaking point
I'm sorry man.. but you gotta go to therapy or watch some inspirational on yt cuz you can talk to her but then you'll fall for her want her help Everytime and people get emotionally exhausted when someone keep of telling them your problems you only have yourself if you want to fix it
Yes I know, I also broke contact after she wasn't writing me enough because I was getting frustrated and I realised our relationship was unhealthy. I will have contact again when I'm feeling better.
Thank you for writing this
You're welcome, just do better