Why do I feel more comfortable with strangers than some family members?

[sammy_31]

By family members I do not mean my parents or siblings with them I am VERY comfortable with, I mean my uncles, aunts and cousins. I find it odd but not uncommon, my friends are this way too, why is this? Could it be miscommunication? I used to talk to my immediate family members but recently we've drifted and they've changed for the worse. They can't carry a conversation without talking about me, putting me down or making it about them. With strangers even on here, I feel like they get me, I get them, there isn't a clash in views or at least an understanding and respect. It just annoys me that my family members can't be nice people who really care and make me feel comfortable.

Updates

+1 y

Yeah most of you guys pointed out that I indeed answered my question BUT I am not going to be satisfied until the day comes when I get the real answers from my family members. Thanks for your input and help, it's much appreciated and respected :)

[Levin]

So, you kind of answered your own question within the question. And in fact, I knew the answer to the question before I even read the body of your text, haha, cause your experience is quite common I think. Extended family always seems to represent some kind of unpleasant no man's land in relationships. Where in fact, the disparate nature of family means that you likely don't have a lot of common with a lot of them, you may indeed positively clash; and yet, familial ties and social expectations means you're sort of obliged to be around them.

No one wants to be around people that make them feel bad. It's that simple. And when people knead our greatest insecurities, and fail to empathise and try to understand; it makes us feel bad. But in an indirect sort of way, they do serve some kind of utility. They're a sort of barometer for where we are with a certain issue. Through personal experience, I can see I'm never going to be a perfect human being, who meets everyone's expectations: no one can. So the afore mentioned kneading helps us see, from the accompanying emotions that arise, the place we are at with respect to a certain issue, whether we need some further work on it. For, if we were to expect complete security, what would our purpose be on this earth? We would not be learning anything, and be in a state of repression, chasing pleasure in a bid to avoid facing the dark aspects of ourselves, which incidentally, is the way a lot of society is.

[sammy_31]

OMG I know that's embarrassing, I did answer it. xD
My goodness well put! haha

[cavmanier]

Because in a way we are forced to befriend them because their relation. Often we may not really want to be around that person. They are like forced friends lol. It's easy to feel uncomfortable in that situation.

[sammy_31]

Grrr that's so irritating! lol

[cavmanier]

Have you noticed what I'm saying? I wonder if it's just my logic.

[sammy_31]

No sorry not what you said but my family lol

[fabulouslyme]

I think you answer your own question - cuz your family members aren't worth having a conversation with if they're putting you down and talking about you! Sometimes, its only because they know us better so feel more comfortable in telling us how they really feel and think (unlike strangers). Oh well, that's your family (we can't pick them, lol) but we can pick who we decide to talk to. Sorry you'd rather it not be them.

[sammy_31]

Perhaps I did but damn it I want them to tell me myself they never want to talk to me, only confront my siblings. That's true and thanks for your opinion :)

[fabulouslyme]

Oh I thought they were telling you! Yeah that's lame if they're saying shit about you behind your back! Unacceptable!

[sammy_31]

Yeah it's sad how they don't have some sort of respect for me, whatever. I treat them the way they treat me.

[fabulouslyme]

Yell them how you feel and call them out on what they're doing... and if they have anything about you to say you'd appreciate it if they told YOU and left other people (whom they have been telling instead) out of your business!

[zombiebabe]

yeah its true... i feel the same too

[sammy_31]

Glad I'm not alone.

[Hans222]

I think it's because you friends are less emotionally involved in what you do, you can just have an open chat with them and feel relaxed.
To your family you're attached for life so if you screw up there's no way back. And they've known you for such a long time they have expectations. Whereas friends just like you as you are... and even if you'd do something foolish they would probably find it funny but never become mad :-)

[Blueeyes81]

Less judgement. I'm the same way on a lot of regards. A stranger is a fresh slate. No preconceived notions on who you are.

[mario1321]

its because they know you better than strangers so it can feel as though they are judgeing you from past actions and knowing you all your life, strangers dont know you and therefore can't judge

[sammy_31]

True, I just would like to know from my family members exactly WHY they are so distant & judgmental with me when I'm not like that with them. I mainly feel like I have to defend myself when I'm around.

[mario1321]

I have felt that way when i was younger, but come to find out it was all in my head, they wanted nothing but the best for me, those looks are them wandering what type of woman you will be and wishing they could have their chances at youth again

[sammy_31]

Ahh that's good but my family members have told me that I have a problem when I actually don't. On both sides of my family it's like a damn dictatorship my grandmother runs it and on the other family it's one of my aunts. I don't like their rules and they put me on the side for that.

[mario1321]

Yeah, well it probably has a little to do with jealousy, but comes from love, just like men when girls become women then they need to establish their womanhood to the other females, it basically demanding and rightfuly so expecting respect and like all things respect has to be earned not giving, just see it as a rite of passage thats what it is, a test that they probably dont even know but by instinct. the love is there the respect is what you crave, so get some respect

[sammy_31]

Cool cool, well they do respect me but I feel like they're not willing to have a civil conversation, I've always given respect and have been the most respectful one in the family. I don't know exactly what they want besides them wanting me to be their slave, follower, ass kisses, etc. I'm not going to degrade myself to someone who is JUST as human, blood and flesh like me.

[mario1321]

And your not suppose to degrade yourself for anyone, maybe its their way of making you a stronger young woman, getting you ready for the hard knocks in life, it all stems from love for you from your family. and sense you have already learned not to let anyone make you feel less than, its working i know women my age that doesn't know that, and thats sad. they will let anyone walk on them especially guys but they had no guidance in their lives when they were young, as you do, so my advice just grin and bare it until you can fully appreciate the sitiuation, im not saying your wrong only learning and to learning add understanding.

[sammy_31]

I think I'm getting lots of wisdom from their bullshit ways but I'm damn sure they don't love us. My Grandmother told us why we even exists and why I have a hate towards her. They know why I don't like them, I just don't know why they dislike me and my family back.

[mario1321]

There will always be bitter people, most times you can avoid them but sometimes you need to sit down with them and talk it out doesn't mean it will solve the problem but their will be an understanding and mutual respect of one another, clearing the air if you will.