Parents not accepting of my white boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone... I am hoping I can get some advice. I am a black woman and just recently began dating the first white man I have ever dated and it is getting serious fairly quickly.

He is bright, funny, warm, loving, he has a good heart and he is wonderful to me. I really like him and we are both excited to see where this could go... we have even talked about the fact that we are both looking to have a family in the future... (we aren't there yet, but I think we can both see that it is an option for us.)

The problem is my family. They envisioned me with some ivy league black guy that made bank and could "take care of me." My boyfriend is a teacher/counselor for troubled kids and he loves what he does. He doesn't make a whole lot of money, but honestly... I don't care. I admire him for what he does with those kids and I think he is amazing for having dedicated his life to helping other people.

The subject of money did come up once and he isn't the least bit intimidated by how much I make... and he has never asked me to come out of pocket for so much as a soda. He's a good man.

but they wanted me to find a good "black" man...

I don't know what to do...I am not going to give up a person that is good for me and to me because my parents don't like the color of his skin... but I don't want to make him feel unaccepted and awkward around my family. My family and I are very close and have been forever and I love them, but I am SO disappointed in them it hurts, but I just am not sure how to navigate the situation...

thoughts? comments? HELP!

[Marfan]

Oy. Yeah, interracial dating is still a bit of an issue for a lot of people. I have never dated a black woman, so I can't really say, and my family never had issues when I dated Asian girls. Here are some thoughts off the top of my head... 1) White boys and black girls are still fairly unusual (at least in my neck of the woods). I think more and more people are used to the idea of a black man with a white woman. Because yours is less common, your family may be wondering what, exactly, his intentions are. They may be worried about him having some Jungle Fever fettish or something and are just trying to protect you. 2) Maybe they're worried about you "rejecting" your culture. 3) I can understand them wanting to find and Ivy League black man - heck, even Oprah did a show about it. It would be interesting to note if your new beau was an Ivy League white man if they had the same issues.

I say keep going. And talk to him about it. Be very honest about how your family feels and reassure him that you are on his side. He needs to know, though, that it may be rough going for a while until your family accepts him. You can ease the transision by helping him learn about various cultural differences, behaviors, and attitudes.

Good luck!

[Asker]

Wow... thank you so much... this was really helpful. I hadn't thought about the cultural rejection aspect. I mean, my family is very mixed so I just assumed they would be accepting.

As far as the jungle fever thing, you are probably right about that too. But I am not the first black woman he has dated. He is way more versed in the art of interracial dating that I am... but I will talk to my family about it. And to him... I would just hate to see him feel in any way slighted...

[Marfan]

No problem. If he's dated other black women, then he's probably aware of the potential issues. Heck, maybe you can sit down with your family and watch Ashton Kutcher/Bernie Mac's version of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner just to get the conversation started.

[Asker]

LOL... I'll have to try that. =)

[Professor_Zoom]

It may be difficult to navigate the situation, but this is your life. Your family may be disappointed or whatever, but it's your life to live. If they accept your boyfriend or not, well that is on them because you can't sacrafice your happiness for what they want.

It may be a hard pill to swallow at first, but if your family really does love you, and I'm sure they do, they will come to accept him over time. Especially if you two do eventually have kids one day.

[versusxiii]

You know what, honestly, I know it's hard and you don't want to feel like you're betraying your family in some way, but really they are betraying you. They grow up making you think they want you to marry the person you love and when you find someone you truly like, then the stipulation of "he must be black" pops up.

Black people segregate themselves while claiming to be by white people, which is TRUE to an extent, but we also don't help it but putting these limitations on themselves. I've told my mom a hundred times I love white boys and more than likely, I'm going to marry one. She has learned to accept it and embraces it.

You have to put your foot down with your family. Ask them how would they feel if they found someone they loved who happened to be another race and their parents said they weren't good enough. Tell them this is who you want to be with and if you can't accept him, you can't accept me because he is a part of my life now.

[G-Daz]

I love your views :)

[CaptainAwesomer]

This only applies if you are very very serious about this relationship, which it sounds like you are. .. I would say to talk to your family about the situation, don't present it as something terrible, or something that you are seeking their approval. The only thing you have as leverage against your family, is your presence in their lives. So, when you talk to them about the situation, tell them you will give them a certain period of time to get over their qualms, and after that you expect them to treat your boyfriend with the same courtesy they would if he were someone they originally expected you to end up with. If they refuse to accept him after a certain time, then stop communicating with them, until they adjust, which hopefully they will, sooner rather than later.

[Reeses-pieces777]

interracial dating is a tough issue at times. Even today when it is more common. It will take time for family to accept who ever you choose to date. Race should ideally not be an issue.But because of history and culture issues, that's why there are conflicts.

The best way is keeping the relationship known to your parents. That's a great step. It's best to tell him that you're having issues with your family and that doesn't matter. if your guys' love is true, his family's paradigm of who he is won't be what he truly is. He will show his strength and love for you, no matter what circumstances if it is true. good luck.

[sparkplug]

I am currently in an interracial relationship. Not my first one. The first was with a black man- my father, being straight off the boat from eastern Europe, was not thrilled. But they got over it once they got to know him. My current boyfriend has yet to meet my parents- but it is the same general situation. I know they will like him for who he is- not the color of his skin. Give them time, sometimes its not easy to break out of a mindset they had envisioned for you for so long. As long as they can see that you are happy, and that you are loved- I am sure time will heal that wound. Good luck to you and your guy :D

[Asker]

Thanks for the insight. =) Its good to know that they may not feel this way forever... I am sure that if they give him chance they will like him as much as I do.

[Xenophobia]

It's stone cold ignorance. If the guy has a great heart, who cares what you parents think. Are they going to dictate your every move as an adult too? Are they going to tell you how to live your life with out actually having to walk in your shoes?

So what makes you happy. If your a good judge of what makes you happy, then don't worry about it.

It sounds like your parents may be prejudice or have a slight chip on their shoulders.

[esahc88]

I think there is nothing wrong with dating somone of a different race as long as you share a lot in common. I would advise you that should it go farther, such as in marriage you may want to make sure that you are completely committed because it isn't accepted everywhere. I don't look at someone for the color of their skin but for the context of their character.

[TaurusFemmeFatale]

As a Black woman, first and foremost, let me commend you for choosing to date and be with a wonderful man regardless of his race. Society tends to be a little less judgemental when Black men choose to date or marry White women, but less tolerant when White men pursue Black women. As if EVERY White man has to list his intentions for wanting to be with a Black woman. Could you imagine anything more absurd? I say go with your heart, and the rest will follow!

Good Luck sweetie!

[Anonymous]

It's your life. Do what makes you happy. If you are 100% happy with this man and he treats you right, don't let your family's racial opinions break up a happy relationship. If they are telling you something about his character, then take that into consideration, but if it's all on race then don't. Just let them know this is who you love and stand your ground. Good luck

[keisha8mnb]

its you who has to live with him not your parents if he makes you happy and you can invision your self with him then go for it you should be with some one who loves you not saying there is any one else out there who doest but you have to love him back and its obvious you do love this man and are in love with him so follow your heart and everythinhg else will follow I guarentee you your family will except you and him just give them time

[mslique]

You found love. That's all that matters. I wouldn't let that go for anybody.

[Kirkpatrick]

This is the real world. I feel for you. Good luck!

[jaykilf]

f*** that,there is nothing wrong with you dateing a white guy don't care what your parents think or say this is 2010 date and marry who you want and love,they are still liveing in the past,your boyfriend is a lucky guy to have you

[itunes272]

I think you should sort of bring you and your family together for a "little talk" and say how you feel and let them know you don't plan on breaking up with him.