My boyfriend's parents are making a big deal out of me being white, what should I do?

Question

My boyfriend is from Pakistan and I'm a white girl. We've been dating for almost 3 weeks now and everything is going great. He's amazing and treats me perfectly. I've had the worst time with guys. Every single one of them treated me horribly and/or cheated. I met my current boyfriend and thought it was a blessing that he came into my life until his parents started to make a big deal out of him dating a white girl. Evidently his whole family from Pakistan called asking why he was dating a white girl as well. He's about to be 21 and still lives at home, I'm 19. He suggested we hide everything and act like we're broken up but in the back of my head my instinct was to think that he just wanted to do this to appear single. He added a couple of girls on facebook this morning so that didn't help me think otherwise either. I told him that I was upset and thought it wasn't right to hide things so he apologized and said that he just wants to forget it and act like he didn't suggest doing so because he didn't want to fight with me. I don't want to be in a relationship that I have to hide, I feel like its already doomed when it gets to that point. I'm not sure if I should just cut it off and break up and deal with being hurt now or stay with him and have him deal with his family being against us. I know I'm probably just overreacting but I'm really hurt and confused by this. I know that he's not going to hide things now but I don't know why he'd even suggest hiding us in the first place and not fight for us instead. What should I do?

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I've been going out with a Pakistani for a little over a year now, he's not British, he's an actual Pakistani lad, an urdu speaking muhajirr. We have always kept our relationship secret, and he has never hidden the fact that he will be marrying a Pakistani Muslim girl some time in the future. At first we just slept together because both of us had some troubles and we got over it spending time together, and having a laugh, a year later, and we're both experiencing some pain, as the time that he will be splitting is coming up, and I've decided to move away rather than wait for him to go, so we're both hurting at the moment.

It was a great year, we had a lot of good times, loads of laughs, share a lot of stories, learned about each others views on life and morality, you realize pretty quickly that people are the same all over the world, that religion, so called race, and culture makes no real difference when you're together, it's only when you have to deal with other people, that you realize that there is a difference.

That is the only reason we hide our relationship, because his family expect him to marry a Muslim and preferably his cousin. Sadly cousin marriage is still acceptable in Pakistani culture, even though it comes with health risk for children. But understanding how important family life is for a Pakistani, you can understand why they might want to marry their children off to people they know and trust.

I strongly suspect that your boyfriend has a similar family obligation to marry a Pakistani, or a Muslim, even British born Pakistanis have a lot of expectation to do this, and most of them do as they are told.

If you want to convert to Islam, then your relationship has a better chance, however converting may not suit you, it didn't suit me as I was a pretty hard core atheist when I met him. And some days I really wish I didn't understand the logical fallacies, some days I catch myself wishing I could believe it, just so I could have a life with him, but alas, it has never made sense to me.

Family is a huge part of Pakistani life, they have a lot of get togethers of which I've never experienced but heard a lot about, and wished I could have been invited.

Pakistani men can be really wonderful, my guy is, but unless your man isn't your average Pakistani, it might be painful to get involved, unless you want to convert to Islam and be prepared to have his family well and truly part of your existence, pretty much constantly.

arsenal25 · Accepted Answer

hey babe okay, well this culture is complicated and no they don't like going outside their race (dating wise) , they will make a big deal out of it and basically prohibit him from seing you if they see you being white and dating him that serious. If people from back home are calling saying that? and he didn't stand up for you, I don't think this will ever work, and if it does it will be a challenge are you up for it? Most of the time if parents and his family most are married to paki, they date other girls but marry only the girls of their own race just b.c. its tradition, and its easier that way , they want to continue their tradition and have a women that is paki to raise their kids. I suggest asking him and talking to him, directly about this issue, SAY WHEN CAN WE BE OUT AND OPEN WITH YOUR FAMILY THAN? anytime soon? what are his parents views of him ever marrying a white girl (someone outside their race?).. ask, but for what I think you are 19 and it has been 3 weeks, you need to just move on and date someone who doesn't have a problem with you being white and not muslim and make a big deal OVER this, imagine if you guys said you wanted to get married! I know the culture very well, and how it works, end of it they push the guys to only date their own kind and marry. You will have to listen and hid, and go through a lot of CRAP. all up to you, if you want to hide and do this.

Tamikaze · Accepted Answer

Relationships cannot exist in a bubble and in a culture where apparently the entire family feels comfortable expressing their opinions about his dating and he felt a good alternative was to hide you, that is not an ideal situation.

You two are young and only dating 3 weeks. I will tell you that someone younger and still more connected to his family or perhaps destined by his upbringing to always be close to his family, has a limit on how much cr*p they can put up from family pushing them about dating you. Especially since you guys are dating and not even in a relationship with an emotional attachment, I would understand that he may be unable to sustain dealing with his family's disapproval.

Keep in mind that just because you think they should feel differently and should be open to this, well that is your opinion and you should respect theirs. They don't see life the way you do and he is their son and it is a lot to ask him to live without the support of his family. I personally would not want to get attached to a guy in this situation. I am older and know that when relationships and marriages hit rocky spells, family disapproval can swoop in and really reek havoc with your relationship. I just would not want to be with someone whose family did not approve of me.

dakraziest · Accepted Answer

Pakistan is a country which has a lot of flavors to it. Why do women like pakistani men? Its simple, from the time we are kids we are taught that paradise beneath the mothers feet which means that we need to respect a female, if we dont we will end up with a fucked up life. But the dominating sex in our culture is the male, as men we can do pretty much anything with woman who are under our control (mothers, sisters, wives, daughters).
Every family has its own heritage for example in memons (a cast) a girl is usually a gifted a house by her father so that after she's married the man who she married cannot throw her out, while in chinyotis (another cast) a brides father buys the groom at an auction, who ever has the highest bid takes the guy as his girls groom. This cast system is the root cause why Pakistani's families dont want there sons or daughters marrying outside the cast, its a problem for the younger generation because most of the time the cast systems simply suck and we dont want to be a part of it. Now when you add all this up, for us respecting elders is a must and elders want someone like them to be with us.

And most of the people are muslims and marrying a non muslim is out of question so ull defo have to convert. Its upto the guy, how far is he willing to go for you? So talk to him and ohh by the way dating is a tabboo in our culture... If you date you are not a pious person

Sam33r · Accepted Answer

I am also a Pakistani and Muslim so let me chip in my two cents.

FOA , Pakistani are mostly emotional rathar the and logical when it comes to their family, no matter how financially stable one is , they are raised in such a fashion that the also feel dependent on their family when it comes to important decisions. Marriage in Pakistani culture is seen as not two individuals but two families coming together so that is why his parents are conservative with you being white.

Secondly dating or sleeping before marriage is a BIG TABOO is our culture. A person who did it lose respect in Pakistani society.

Now the Islam (Muslim part). Islam allows a Muslim man to marry Muslim, christians or a jew girl. However Muslims girls are preffered. Islam do not allow dating or sleeping before marriage, However you can talk to a person before marrying.

Overall Dating is discouraged in Pakistani culture either its with Pakistani or a non Pakistani girll that is why he advised to keep it low . This relation require a great courage from the guy to make this relation work, now the question is how serious you are .Do you see yourself marrying this guy , or meeting his family etc?

g1rl5a5k5uy5 · Answer

i know a girl who was a nurse and married her Pakistani doctor boyfriend. it took several years but are happily married now. yes, the parent opposed white girl at first but after spending a lot of time with her, they changed their minds and are happy to have her as a daughter in law. they had a pakistani marriage, she wore a sari family came to uk for it so a little compromise on both sides.

obviously the dude needs to stand up for you and not be afraid of his parents but don't force him to do that.

also I know another couple who are from different casts. they are going to get married in spite of the mother saying she will disown her daughter. times are changing, parents and elder generations won't control everything for ever.

bottom line. you are asking this website for advice, you need to experience a whole lot more and not just in relationships to see what works for you as opposed to taking this websites advice to make big decisions. relax. harsh as it is your relationship probably won't last. don't worry you will have plenty more relationships and guess what you are probably more mature than him right now. no offence but at 21 he is not ready to be getting married. let him get it out of his system and myabe in a few years he will have calmed down, if he has not you know you made the right choice

sedwar3 · Answer

My boyfriend is from India, and his parents had a less severe but still similar reaction.

There is a great blog about interracial relationships called Gori Girl (gori means white in Hindi). A lot of it won't be helpful. For example she tells about how the celebrated Diwalli, and it probably will not have any helpful information. But there are parts that probably will. It will go a little more into ways of bridging cultural gaps, winning over your boyfriend's family, etc. link

What you really need to understand about your boyfriend's family is that they assume your are a whore. Sorry. But it's true.

The more time you and your boyfriend spend with them (assuming you are very culturally sensitive) the more they will come to understand that being white doesn't make you a whore. Sleeping around does.

Something to keep in mind is that your boyfriend might have the same assumptions about you: that you will be easier than a Pakistani girl. He might just be playing the field. I knew that my boyfriend was serious because he chased me for an entire year before I would let him date me. So I never had to deal with those doubts. If the two of you aren't serious enough to have a talk about if he could stand up to his family and defend you if things got more serious, then chances are that he is just playing.

So the next question is: if he is just having fun, are you having fun too?

mandeemay · Answer

To give you my point of view, I will tell you what happened to me. I am a mixed girl (black and white) and I date white guys. I met my ex in college and started dating him a few months later. He talked to his mom bout me and she loved hearing of me. She would tell him that I sound like a wonderful girl and such. It was all nice until she saw a picture of us on his facebook. Realizing that I was mixed, I was all the sudden no good for her son. She ended up making us fight and everything. She would always tell him that he needs to" find an Italian girl not some no good, never gonna succeed black girl." She was the cause of our breakup. Now, I always make sure the family is okay with it before I date.

In my experience, I would have never "hid". You are doing a good thing by not wanting to do that. If you did hide, a big part of your life would be hush hush and it will be miserable. I don't know much about his culture but I hear over on that side of the world it can be so strict with who people are with. Its not fair to anyone dealing with that.

He added some girls on facebook, so what? It doesn't mean that he wants to date each and every girl on his facebook friends list. I can say that I have more guys on my facebook and if a boyfriend asked me why that was, its simple... I get along with more guys. Maybe he is the opposite?

Let your feelings be known. Let him know that you don't wanna hide. Maybe the best thing is to just be friends for now.

Remember, a lot of people judge a book by its cover. Don't let it bother you because until they actually take the time to get to know you, they have no right to say anything about you. The cover is just a protection of the valuable "words" (in your case, soul) on the inside.

Looks are only skin deep but love goes deeper than that.

FierceMegan · Answer

My cousins are half Pakistani, and they are Muslim. My uncle is Italian (my mother is his sister, I am half Italian half Irish full Catholic). I have been around a lot of Pakistani people. This boy wants to have fun with you before he marries, what his family believes is the "proper girl." It has nothing to do with your skin color. It has to do with your religion, and how liberal non-muslims are. The fact that he has said to "hide" everything from people, is 100% HYPOCRITICAL (it's against their own religion to be even seen alone with the opposite sex before marriage)! You deserve someone who will be PROUD OF YOU! If you want a boyfriend, go slow with guys, become friends first. It's too complicated to understand, and sometimes people can make this situation work, but mostly they can't, unless he gives up his religion and he won't. His family probably thinks you two are sleeping together, and that makes them red in the face! It's against their religion. Just let the relationship go, and if you two end up back together than maybe it is meant to be.

milestone · Answer

In Pakistan, we have joint family system. Parents brought up children and then children support their parents. we donot have/need old age houses so parents and children live together (and we all appreciate it to some extent).

When a boy gets married, the parents expect a lot from the new bride, that she takes care of the home, parents, behave with everyone nicely. Pakistani parents are always afraid of getting their children married to people from other cultures. as they aren't sure what will happen next.

So my advice to u, visit his parents. spend some time with them, even if you don't get a chance/dont want to get married to him, you should remove his parents uncertainities about getting in relation with white girls. there is nothing bad in getting married to a white girl as long as she is good and have respect for herself and others. learn good things from him, his religion i.e. Islam. you ll surely feel better.

dont leave that boy and have good respectful relationship with him.. May ALLAH bless You !

SublimeMelody · Answer

It's been 3 weeks.. and instead of dealing with issues that are extremely heavy maybe you should enjoy the time you two are spending together. You're 19. Live a little.

Also Pakistani's and the whole Muslim community in general is very conservative. I'm not sure if his parents would ever agree with him dating / marrying a white girl but if you love each other then I'm sure it'll work out. And if he's hiding stuff, don't take it in a way that he's trying to hide you... it's pretty problematic being brought up in an orthodox family and maybe he just doesn't want to deal with all this drama right now and enjoy his time with you.

bettsyboy · Answer

islam is a culture that has matured over the course of a thousand years of war, something like that doesn't dissapear overnight.

the muslim texts were heavily influenced by constant war and many more things.

as the islam/musim culture got bigger, the wars got more violent.

what I mean is,

the parents are pakistani, a very war-torn country constantly being invaded or having skirmishes.

these sorts of conflicts have bought about a caution about anyone who is different.

dont take it too seriously, they probably like you, its just a mistrust born from the thousand-tear war, you are different, and so that makes them cautious and afraid.

i hope you see where I'm getting at

aster · Answer

I think the best thing you can do in this situation is figure out why his parents don't like you. Do they only want him to date other Pakistani women? Or do they just dislike how western women are portrayed in the media? Of course there are some people that only want their children to date and marry within their own culture, but it could also be that they have a misconception of you based on your ethnicity.

Which also begs the questions, depending on how conservative the family is, are you willing to change yourself to fit into it, or have your boyfriend risk being ostracized?

You can try to win over the parents and have them like you but are you willing to put in the work?

mmunir · Answer

dont worry about it girl! I'm paki also and I'm 17, my girlfriends white too and my parents think I'm crazy but they have nothing against her. theyll once in a while say why are you dating a white girl, but ill tell my dad its because I like her and they say OK. if I was you, I would stick where I am and do anything to make his sitation better because your HIS girlfriend and you should make him feel good and protect him. so whatever he wants to do , I guess listen to it atelast. and if you really like someone you'll do anything to make them happy.

spicyavacados · Answer

I dealt with this situation too. I dated an Asian guy and his parents HATED me. What you need to know, however, is not how they feel, but how he does. Does he care enough about you to proudly date you despite his family/community's disapproval? And, if you are thinking big-picture (as in being together forever) is he thinking the same way, or is being with a white girl not what he wants long-term.

Don't settle for being treated like he's ashamed of you! He can either deal with it or he can't, don't let him hide you or deny your relationship!

maverick4 · Answer

It is very understandable that his parents have a certain stereotypical outlook about you just as any other relatively less knowledgeable race/culture would have for him (being a Pakistani guy).

I belong to a Pakistani family and I moved to the UK a couple of years back. One of my first cousins recently got married with a Belgian woman. Now, there was definitely some negative response when people among our family heard about it but when, they all met her and saw how nice she actually was, everyone was alright. It was all about compatibility with the rest of the family which went very well as soon as they all met her.

My own family is a very tolerant one and although they don't encourage me to date before marriage, they don't stop me from doing either.

So in short, it's all about "stereotypes/taboos". Some believe in them, some don't. If his parents do, you got to change their view just by meeting with them and showing how nice you are.

AboveUnrefined · Answer

Unfortunate circumstances for you to be in. However, you need to combat ignorance like that - if you're both righteous you'll find that you'll end up being victorious in your situation.

Sounds like this guy needs to bone up. You're in AMERICA now - it's still a melting pot. If the parents didn't want to 'taint' their arabic blood, they shouldn't have come here. Situations like that make me FUME.

Belleza · Answer

honestly unless he is out of that whole context - you won't last anyway! Your still young and you wouldn't understand most paki guys I know use black or white or chinese point being whoever goes out with them - for sex but they always end up marrying their own because they believe well the family and usually the guys - other cultures are easy to get into bed and none of them are virgins so yea and he wouldn't fight hello he will stick to his own kind - your 19 - your a little naive girl to him whom he will dump eventually - if you don't believe oh well tried but I know plenty of girls in your situation and the guys all hide it and one already married his own when he dumped his girlfriend so you decide! I know how they think - I grew up with them! If he loves you - he will end up with you but it is always up to the family to except you!

columbiafutueralumni · Answer

Well I think that if he really does love you and care for you that He will not hide it. He won't feel ashamed because he loves you enough to stand up to his parents. Love triumphs through all so I think that you really have to tell him it's his parents or you. You have to ask him if he is willing to I don't know disappoint his parents I guess, just to be with you. I understand how race and beliefs in family and dating can play into this, but love sees no race. Love does not discriminate and neither should his parents if he really loves you. Love doesn't pay attention to anything else but the person.

Anonymous · Answer

i am from pakistan and singapore, and I'm muslim I was born an bred in the uk though so I got an idea of where you are coming from, here's the thing most pakistani guys all love the idea of messing around when they are younger I'm not saying he dosnt love you but it usally ends up where they get to a point in there life such as marraige age and like they feel they want to settle down with someone who is from there own culture/background as wel as respecting there parents wishes, I was dating a pakistani guy and even that couldn't work out as his family wanted him to marry someone of there own choice!

hmm the best thing to do -in my opinion is to have a talk with him saying you need to know if he is willing to tell his parents about this realtionship, and also what are his intentions for example due to family is he going to be expected to marry into a pakistani family, cause you can't hold your life up because of him you would rather know now then waste time..good luck with it

theacefospades · Answer

Form the Pakis I've met it seems to me that they have a great cultural enfacis on uniformity. It just a culture difference and not a big deal if you don't care what they think. If you do It's best to take them head on NOW. You don't want to deal with this down the road when things become more serious.

butterfly_girl · Answer

Well I come from a mixed background and my mothers side is arabic and she's muslim. From a muslim point of view, there is nothing that says you have to marry a certain race, my father is dutch for example. If you love each other then try to make it work but if his parents are being like this now then don't expact it to be easy. Religion doesn't really play a massive part in it, I think its more their culture and how they've been brought up.

=] x

DirtyDlish · Answer

Its in there belief to marry within there culture you will never change that.  You can play all you want but not marry, in the minds of the parent. So run.lol I only say that cause I have first hand experience. Not a race thing a culture thing.  RUN like hell.

AdamBH · Answer

Well I think does he want to fight for you after 3 weeks of knowing you? And also people can just suggest stupid ideas and then realize they are dumb and not want them anymore its not like he is always going to secretly want to hide it away. Just keep going for a while and let it unfold a bit.

Anonymous · Answer

YOU don't need to do anything.  He needs to man up and tell his racist family members to f*ck off.  Picked the wrong country to live in if they want to be picky about the race of the person their kid decides to date.

Evamazing · Answer

they def sound like the cultural type. and only believe in having the same cultural background as their significant other. I mean, if you think you were to marry this dude, I'd say go for it, and leave him to choose or try and prove to his family that its OK you're  together. but you think he's just another boyfriend, I'd say just move on hunny, and better luck the next time around.

bettsyboy · Answer

Pakistanis are often racist like that.

In their eyes, a white girl is good only for a quick f***, but being in a committed relationship with a white girl is seen as a very bad thing to them, anything beyond f***ing and impregnating a white girl is seen by many pakistanis as a betrayal of their culture.

jackums619 · Answer

So I am white and my ex was mexican his family hated th e fact that I was white, needless to say  I broke it off, when they wouldn't stop making comments about me. They would talk in spanish, talking bad about me thinking I didn't understand what they where saying. My step dad who raised me taught me spanish (hes mexican). I new everything they said.

Normal_girl · Answer

I agree with Sam33r..

I'm Indian and it's pretty much the same thing. When you're getting married, it's not just you're fiancée that you'll marry but his entire family.

And guys usually tend to cave under the pressure from their families (I've seen it happen)

So the question is, do you see a future where both of you are happy as well as your families are well..at least cordial with each other.

Oh and bout the facebook thing, it's probably just friends.

Cheekynicko · Answer

All I can suggest is that you remain dignified so that no one can question your honour, honesty or feelings. I don't really have any insight into the culture but I know that if my parents were giving me serious grief about a girlfriend while I was living at home it would make me think twice - or move out.

beastman88 · Answer

well if you know for a fact that his parents don't like you  because your white, its hard for him  because he lives with his parents. it won't matter so much when he's moved out his parents then won't have any control over him. I just think it would be hard for you both, since his parents are ignorant

HiEveryone · Answer

Tell him in North America we have the freedom to date and love anyone we like.  This is not Dictatorship Pakistan.

jacquesvol · Answer

I'm no Muslim but I don't think his parents object to your skin colour or race. It's more probable they object to the fact you're not a Muslim girl.

A religious point thus: according to Islam, a Muslim guy is allowed to marry a Christian or Jewish girl if she converts to Islam.Marrying an atheist or pagan girl is prohibited.

A muslim girl is not allowed to marry outside Islam.

DaveMicharl69 · Answer

You're not over-reacting, but I thnk he meant well & was trying to still fate you but save you from being harrassed. He didn't handle it the best way, I agree, but I'm glad it seems to be working out now...

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Irishal · Answer

Don't know if this is too late but my honest advise. Dump him. I dated a Pakistani girl for four years and it was a nightmare. She met all my family and I never met any of hers. We even gad to walk on opposite sides of the street to each other in certain parts of the city so we wouldn't be seen together. You are only 19 and have a whole life ahead of you. Trust me. I know from experience if his family don't accept you because you are white they never will regardless of how hard you try.

stephsteph · Answer

I have a close friend and he is from pakistan and muslim.  He married a white girl.  It took them over 5yrs of dating but they did it.  It was a muslim wedding :-/

Anonymous · Answer

Put a barka on, they won't know you're white then, and they'll be so happy !

foolycooly1001 · Answer

he probably didn't want to get kicked out of his house

diamond3 · Answer

those cultures are very strict. You have to accept that they might never accept you and live your life

BJJFIGHTER · Answer

i would never ever have a relationship with pakis or cultures like that!

limin · Answer

I think if you try to get his love, he and you will meet large  difficult. Because they are strict Muslim. And you will meet more diffcult in your life. I suggest you give up this. I know it's hard.

NoTimeToThink · Answer

Funny how you don't normally hear about racism against white people.

venkatforce · Answer

dont be in a hurry.wait for another nice guy to come into your life

Anonymous · Answer

If it's just three weeks, you're perhaps jumping the gun. Take some time to see how it goes.

GREALDO21 · Answer

pakistani families are always like that...

TylerMMA · Answer

I have a solution... get a spray tan lol

My boyfriend's parents are making a big deal out of me being white, what should I do?

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Parents not accepting of my white boyfriend?

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