Best friend/crush going through hard time. How do I be there for him?

[radiogaga]

This can be very long so I'll try to keep it short.

This guy friend and I have known each other for 4-5 years, and we went to college together. He's my best friend and I'm almost certain that he likes me, and the only thing that's keeping us from dating is that we live in a different city - let's just say it's more than couple hours away by car.

Here's the thing. He recently lost a family member (I know who it is but I'd rather not mention it here) and am certain that he's going through a hard time. I found this out, because I kept sending him happy emails about something that happened with me (my work related) but I didn't hear back from him at all. I knew that any other day, he would reply so I figured he was just swamped with work (he has a very demanding work schedule). Couple of days later, I decided to message him how things are and he told me that one of his family member has passed away so he was back with his family. This coincided with him leaving an inside one-liner comments on one of our pics on fb, so I could tell that he was feeling lonely and needed some laughs. I told him that I was very sorry and that he can talk to me.

I haven't really talked with him since (just sent one e-card, and that's it)...and I really want to be there for him, but I'm not sure if he wants to be left alone or wants little notes here and there.

I know there's no right or wrong answer, but I'd appreciate some insights on what I can do to best support him. Thanks.

[Imsodone101]

Well telling your friend who just lost a family member how great you are doing isn't going to make him open up to you. He doesn't need laughs, sounds like he just needs to grieve. Don't even ask him how he is doing. I don't know this guy obviosly, and everybody is different. He could be the type that when you ask how he is doing, his mental responce is something like, "How would you be doing?" Or something along those lines. I would advise you to just keep poking at him, but be kinda gentle about it. Don't mention what happened, stop saying your sorry, and just try to relate and put yourself in his shoes. Only time is going to get him over this, all you can really do is let him know you are there for him, and just wait til he's ready. Good luck!

[radiogaga]

I know, I felt horrible when I realized that I sent him loads of happy emails when he was going through rough time. I immediately apologized. Thanks for the advice!

[Imsodone101]

Don't tell him your sorry either. Men would rather a woman never see them weak. We bear our pain alone as long as we can. It's just how most of us are built. We can take it and we do. The distance factor wouldn't be a big deal if you guys really cared for each other. If I was in love with someone 1000 miles away, I could make it work.

[radiogaga]

Yeah, I know guys aren't into opening up and the whole "let's talk about feelings" stuff, so I was pretty surprised when he told me in a first place and how he thought it would be sad, but it wasn't too sad as he had expected, etc. Thanks for your insight on the distance thing too. I'll try to drop a line once in a while.

[Imsodone101]

It may not be sad for him now, but it could hit him later. Good luck!

[YUNHAXCHONGGG]

I think you should go talk to him... fly to him and he will know you will be supportive... if you were in his shoes what would have you wanted.. If your there to support him, he will be very appreciated... also bring him something that reminds him of whoever passed away… comfort him… try not to bring it up as much… Spend some time with him… if he wants some space give it to him but make sure to check on him here or there.. Cause if you like this guy, you dont want to lose in contact with him... (sorry i'm not really mature to understand but i know how it feels because i have gone through a lot more than you think. I just turned 14, 2 days ago and i lost a family member 5 years ago and i was devastated, and i always wanted someone like you to help me and comfort me but, nobody really cared.) even if he wants you to leave him alone, be there for him because i would always want my bestfriend to be with me and help me what i was going through so just be there for him! Hope he's better now. Good luck, i know your a good person already, so dont try bringing it up so much and let him have fun...

[jessieuk92]

I'm sure the distance factor in your realtionship makes him view you as someone to escape to. There isn't really an awful lot you can do apart from be there when he wants to talk, crack a few jokes when he's feeling low and just ask if there's anything you can do : / I'm sure he'd appreciate you being a happy face he can turn to when everything else in his life is seeming pretty sh*t at the moment :)

[radiogaga]

I didn't think of the distance factor that way! I feel like I've exhausted my options without being too pushy. He had to go on a business trip (which he didn't want to go in a first place) right after being with his family, so I really want to be there for him, as things must be so bleak for him now. I'll just try to talk to him when he wants to and see how things are. Thank you for the advice!

[jessieuk92]

No worries :) it's just that I have a really close male friend that lives a long way away and we share everything together! Whenever either of us is going through a rough time we just spill everything about over msn... It's actually a relief to sometimes type things out :P Although if he's a little more reserved about his grief then I'm sure just being there for a general chat will help... after all I'm sure he knows that you are always there for him :)

[radiogaga]

Yeah! Me and my guy friends are like that...we chat a lot about almost everything! I tell him when something happy/sad/rough happens and I know he genuinely cares! Thanks...I was pretty surprised when he told me about it because my other guy friends aren't into sharing about feelings and stuff (but then again I'm not as close with other guy friends). I'll try to be there for him.