How can I be there for my depressed boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I have a wonderful, caring boyfriend who i love so much. He has been saying lately that he feels numb and depressed. He has been feeling a bit bored of life for years, but it has definitely took a turn for the worse. He sometimes takes it out on me a bit. Nothing abusuve or anything, just a bit critical and cranky and is pulling away a bit. I feel like im too short with him and not patient enough and im not sure how to help at all. Now he's going out of his way to act cheery around me and i feel like that is going to exhaust him. He owns a bar and works in a super small kitchen 24/7 which isn't helping him but he can't afford to sell it or start a different business yet

I want to show him that im there for him but also not suffocate him or bring up the depression too much. If anyone has any suggestions to be supportive for him can you please advise? I want him to feel like he has a teammate in this

[quaranta]

Your intention is noble but you have to consider how depression works. If he really has depression (and isn't just often "sad/discouraged"), then that means he is out of energies and motivation to do anything, worn out. A relationship is actually a heavy thing to manage for someone depressed because it's still a person who demands at least minimum daily attention, and most likely demands more focus and empathy in waves, too. So, in order to help, you should make it that the balance of what he gets vs what he spends to stay with you, is positive. But this requires you to have a ton of extra energies for yourself too and it could worn you out, too, in the long run (and you're not a nurse, either, and don't want to burn out either).
I lived a very heavy period of 3 years of deep depression and I didn't want to have even friends, around. Even receiving support was impossible to deal with, because it implied energies to spend in "conversating". What kind of effort should have someone put in order to help me but without the effort of "talking"? And consistently? While receiving zero in exchange? You can see the balance required to (actively) help someone depressed can get unbearably high, depending on how deep the depression is.
He isn't at that level because he runs a kitchen and works but most likely this is already too much for him. You have to decide if you are in the shape to sacrifice so much of your energies to become his "nurse" and for how long you can endure without getting much back (which means also renouncing to some unresolved conflicts, some respect, some clarifications, some empathy when in need, etc).
A suggestion I would give is also to not put "too" much care and understanding in his depressive status, and why? Because by using extreme care and pity you "confirm" his miserable status and he gets reminded of his condition over and over, like if, with you, he knows he is a patient. It's like if you're dragged in his pit, instead of pulling him out. If you have enough positivity and strength, you could try laughing more about stuff and putting an easier mood in general, getting much less offended, expecting less, and installing a stable reliable security there, like someone positive and independent who is safe to count on, easygoing, difficult to kick down (which is usually how a person feels like during the beginning of a relationship, without all the expectations attached that cumulate later). Bringing innovation could also make his attention shift to something fresh and stimulating, as long as you manage most of it. Small things that possibly don't require much preparation.
Unfortunately, being depressed and having a relationship is a difficult combo, for both the partners. So, alongside with that, I think you should convince him (and provide him) to get help, because you can't be a professional and you can't worn yourself out for too long as well. A depressed person wants peace and most likely won't want to go in therapy because it requires an effort and schedules, so you could find proxy ways like online sessions. Someone should also help him getting a different perspective about what to do with his job because he could be too depressed to take any risk, addicted to the comfort zone of his draining job. A counselor might bring some hope.
But in general the point is, if he can't build the next chapters of your relationship, that role is yours now. And it won't be easy, it will have a high price.

[AmandaYVR]

That was very beautifully, and fairly, worded. 👌 You sound very caring.

I don't really have any advice for you, though. Nothing specific. Just wanted to say I think you're on the right track, your mind, and heart, are in the right places.

Be sweet, listen, support, don't talk a ton (men prefer far fewer words than women), just spend some downtime with him, and do specifically tell him that you know he's going through a hard time, and to not worry about trying to be 'up', for your sake. Say, "I can handle it." That should put his mind at ease somewhat. (I expect you're already doing all these things, so this is moot.)

[MzAsh]

He has to be helping himself first. What steps is he taking to find a solution?

[Asker]

He met with his friend and got his psychotherapist's info so he's going to try going to a psychotherapist this week. He started working out again too. Other than tha5 he isn't really sure what to do or how yo improve the depression

[Asker]

Sorry for the typos lol

[MzAsh]

I’d say that’s a good sign and a good start. I’d keep an open dialog with him, supporting and encouraging him, asking him if he needs anything from you. Sometimes listening without judging is enough too.

[Anonymous]

Encourage him to see a therapist?